You’re Not Stupid For Giving a Guy a Second Chance

yup

 

Name: Katie

:
Question: *i don’t really want this posted per se but I’m hoping to provide the denouement to this story an get Moxie’s two cents if she’s willing to give it because I thought I had a thick enough skin to handle Tinder, but I don’t…

I wrote the letter that was posted May 4 on your website which you labeled “How to Know When it’s time to Bag Him and Tag Him,” which has since been filed under your archives under the category “Douchey Guys.” Love it. Wanted to provide the denouement to that story which is that, in short, he pulled the fade on me. Despite texting me “from the hospital in Chicago” when he was out there, he never let me know when he got back to DC. Turns out it was the same day I had sent in my question to you. We texted about nothing, because I hadn’t gotten everyone’s advice to stop responding. Finally, I asked if I could talk to him on the phone. He said “give me a few – about to jump in the shower.” I  never got a call, just a text the next morning saying he was sorry, he had passed out asleep… It had been a long few days. I didn’t respond and I never heard from him again. Your readers were right – I was an option only. And when I asked to God forbid really talk and not text, he vanished. I know the crux is he’s just not that into you, but in hindsight… Just so that this doesn’t happen again.., when should I have cut this one loose? Right after he cancelled 30 minutes before the date because of a super fast-onset flu? I feel so stupid for getting my hopes up on this one and misreading what now seem to be clear signals, and this has shattered my confidence to the point where I don’t even want to date. It still feels like I did something wrong to screw it up.
Age: 34

 

Just so that this doesn’t happen again.., when should I have cut this one loose? Right after he cancelled 30 minutes before the date because of a super fast-onset flu?

Yes. People know when they’re sick. Unless they’ve just ingested hemlock or cyanide, nothing comes over you so quickly that you can’t give a reasonable amount of notice that a date needs to be rescheduled. I can not state this enough: cancellations, especially last minute ones, are a bad omen of things to come.

It still feels like I did something wrong to screw it up.

You didn’t. The guy was a flake. You didn’t misread the signals. The fact that you wrote in at all means you knew was something was up. Okay, so you gave the guy more chances than maybe most people would. That doesn’t make you a loser or anything. It means you give people the benefit of the doubt. That’s a good way to be. Shame on him for taking advantage of your optimism.

Don’t let this douche shatter your confidence. You knew something was off. You just chose to be cautiously optimistic, that’s all.

I really can not keep saying that this sort of scenario is par for the course now. While there’s always been a lack of accountability involved with online dating, it’s reached a fever pitch of late. People are just cycling through matches now, juggling two, three, four people at a time. One falls out of rotation and – boom – they’re replaced within a few days. Everything about dating has been turned up to eleven. People just are not investing the time in getting to know someone or even reading a profile completely. You’re guy probably wasn’t busy. He was just dating multiple people and you fell of the list. That’s not your fault. That’s just dating in 2016.

Those About Me summaries in your dating profile? They shouldn’t be more than 150-200 words. Why? Thanks to Tinder, we’re now trained to need 0-100 to consider someone a possible match. That opening line of your summary or your bio? Yeah, it better be really good, because if it’s just a string of adjectives, you’re sunk. And forget about it you use nothing but cliches. Oh you’re laid back and easy going? How original! Those people are so rare! What about the people who use emojis as their bio? They’re adorable , right? That just makes you want to drop your panties. Nothing says mature stable adult like a string of dancing bees, an eggplant, some dollar bills, and an angel.

Paid sites are a wasteland at this juncture in the game. Most people only sign up for traditional dating sites to use their Tinderish features, anyway. Why pay for something you can get for free? Even our speeddating events are affected by Tinder and Bumble. Those apps are the equivalent of speeddating. People don’t need to pay $30 to go into a bar,  meet 15 people, and make snap judgments when they can do that in five minutes on Tinder.

Speaking of Tinder, can we talk about this for a second?

wutt

The rainbow through the window really kicks this bizarro profile up a notch, doesn’t it?

Yeah. The free rent isn’t because you’re poor, you loser. It’s because you want to sublet your other place and live with some insane single pregnant woman shopping on Tinder for an emotional friend. And, yes, this is supposedly real.

Thoughts?

AndThatsWhyYoureSingle.com

Sometimes the love of your life is the love of your life. (R)

@ATWYSingle

GOT A DATING QUESTION? NEED TO VENT?
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41 Responses to “You’re Not Stupid For Giving a Guy a Second Chance”

  1. Dark Sarcasm Says:

    With this, I think online dating should just give up and go home.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 17 Thumb down 2

  2. HerGuyFriday Says:

    It sucks, and both sides do it.

    Yesterday, I was supposed to meet a girl at 8:15pm at a local bar. I knew she was coming straight from work, so at 8:00pm I texted her “Hey, still on for 8:15, right?”

    She texts be back: “Still at work. Can we do 8:30pm?”

    I told her to forget it and we can meet another day. In reality, I’ll probably just fade. She was going to let me go to the bar and not tell me she was running late. Classic douchette move.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 12 Thumb down 43

    • ATWYSingle Says:

      You should have confirmed with her long before 8 o’clock. really, you couldn’t wait till 8:30? Seriously, do everybody a favor and stay the f*** home.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 59 Thumb down 9

    • Timothy Horrigan Says:

      Maybe she works very near the bar. Or has no sense of time.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 4 Thumb down 6

    • Laure Says:

      So by acting like this, you just tell her to back off because she was going to be 15 minutes late? That’s really rude.

      Something similar happened to me once. I left on time for a date but got stuck in traffic because of a car accident that had happened. I texted the guy to let him know that I was going to be ten minutes late. He replied “ok”. (He always replied with a simple “ok” when he was getting annoyed) I finally found a spot in the parking lot, rushed to the place where we were going to meet. Meanwhile I got a text “I’m heading to [this bar]”. I replied “almost there!”, I was just a minute away from him. I can see him walking in front of me to [this bar], and all I could think of was “seriously, you couldn’t just wait?!”.

      I drove almost an hour to meet him in the city where he lives! Never worked out between us.

      Classic move of a guy who is frustrated because of too much rejection.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 28 Thumb down 3

      • BTownGirl Says:

        Or someone with an inflated sense of their own importance! Like, dude, are you the President?

        Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 20 Thumb down 2

        • Eliza Says:

          I agree- with BTownGirl…if a person is THAT frustrated and burnt out…just stay home…and get offline for a while…and regroup and take a hiatus from online dating…because with it – comes a level of uncertainty–and yes, you have to be somewhat flexible about time(s)…not be some doormat–but not be as rigid so as to leave if a person is running 5-10 mins. late…Especially if they are in contact with you, letting you know they are running a little behind. wow. I have a low tolerance for flakiness too, but if someone is going out of their way to meet me from afar and in contact with me, I give them the benefit of the doubt, and give them a simple pass for delays. Shit does happen.

          Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 12 Thumb down 0

      • fuzzilla Says:

        I have a pretty low tolerance for flakes, but if someone checks in with me in a reasonable amount of time and says they’ll be slightly late for perfectly understandable reasons…that falls under “shit happens,” not them being a flake.

        Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 19 Thumb down 0

      • fuzzilla Says:

        I mean, how do people even manage having friends if they’re *that* intolerant of lateness/perceived flakiness? Or is it just in dating situations because their baggage and trust issues are so out of control? Yes, do take yourself out of the dating pool if that’s the case. Maybe not forever, but a decent-sized break – I did so early and often when I knew I had a bad attitude.

        Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 19 Thumb down 0

        • ? Says:

          You get to know people over time before becoming friends and then going out with them. With dates, you are just going out with them with the word go, not knowing them from a bar of soap.

          Better to date people you first know as friends, but then there is not that exciting, wow, unknown, mysterious factor at play.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

    • Bill Says:

      Yeah, you should do her a favor and fade ASAP… because oh-my-god you almost had to wait 15 whole minutes. /s

      You do understand that folks with grown-up jobs often get “tagged” by their boss right as they are getting ready to leave, right? Heck, even my high school daughter with a McDs job has to wait until her relief comes in to leave… if he’s 15 minutes late, you get the picture?

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 12 Thumb down 0

      • Goldie Says:

        +1

        Also, hate to sound nitpicky, but what kind of weird-ass, anal meeting time is 8:15? Why not 8:17:20 and then fade when she’s not there at 8:18:00, that’d be a cool game to play. IME, normally people schedule a meeting time on the half-hour and then give each other a 15-minute window, because, like everyone else said, things happen. And yes, people do get stuck at work at the last minute, and can’t very well tell their boss, Sorry, got to run, I’ve got a first date in thirty minutes! And maybe she couldn’t have texted you before 8:00 because she was in the middle of said work?

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 8 Thumb down 1

  3. Timothy Horrigan Says:

    As for Katie’s question, the answer depends on how tall he is. If he’s 6 feet tall or above, then of course he deserves another chance. If he’s 5 feet 9 or below, that little shrimp blew his chance, forget about him. If he is in between, well, it’s up to you.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 11 Thumb down 43

  4. jaclyn Says:

    When a guy said he was sick and couldn’t make a date, I was very calm, supportive and nurturing (since there was a small chance he was telling the truth, and being mean to him would only reinforce the idea he’d done the right thing by blowing me off if that’s what happened). I’d tell him it was no problem, and if he asked to reschedule I’d tell him to wait a few days and see how he was feeling on Sunday and to call me then to discuss when he’d like to go out again. Both times this happened, they guys didn’t get back to me until later in the week (2 or thee days after Sunday). At that point, I knew they didn’t care, since if they had been genuinely ill they would have made a point to call me on Sunday to let me know how they were doing. These were the days before texting so it might be a little different now – it doesn’t take much effort to text. I don’t normally advocate testing men before you meet them since you are being high maintenance and will drive off stable men, but if a man claims they are ill or blow off your first date I think it is reasonable to make them work to reschedule it.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 31 Thumb down 1

    • Katie Says:

      OP here: just to clarify, the hemlock/cyanide/flu thing happened before our third date, not our first, and I absolutely did assume that it was bullshit and wrote him off in my head. What made it confusing – and why I ended up writing in – is that he wouldn’t stop texting me after ‘the flu.” I naively thought that if he invented an illness to get out of seeing me, he would have faded then, but he didn’t. We went on one more date — and then more incessant texting and more flaking before the slow fade began.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 1

      • DrivingMeNutes Says:

        Is there anything about your description of this guy that is inconsistent with a guy who thinks you are cute and datable, but is dating multiple women, has work and maybe family obligations, and has therefore made you a low priority.

        This is not confusing or unusual. At all.

        While excessive texting and last minute cancelling may not be polite or respectful (or effective in the long run) these are, fortunately, his problems – not yours.

        Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 7 Thumb down 4

        • Katie Says:

          Well, last-minute cancellations actually *do* become my problem when I’ve set aside time for someone and they cancel in a manner that indicates they believe their time is more important than mine.

          Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 15 Thumb down 1

          • DrivingMeNutes Says:

            Nope. Not your problem unless you make it yours.

            Know what I would do if I came across that pregnant woman on Tinder? I would swipe left in a microsecond and forget about her in about the same time. I’m on the app to find women to date, not to look for people to criticize or analyze.

            Why are YOU dating?

            Dwelling on other people’s imperfections and other bullshit is a waste of time.

            Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 18 Thumb down 3

            • Goldie Says:

              That is a very good point. It occurred to me that, at these early stages, dating is like shopping. You pick up five pairs of jeans, take them to a dressing room, try one on, don’t like how it looks on you or you don’t feel comfortable in them. You don’t stand there and ponder why these jeans have the cut they do or the length they do, or what could you have done differently to have avoided trying these jeans on, right? You put them off to the side, forget all about them, and try on another pair. Even if they looked great on the hanger and you were 100% sure you’d buy them and wear them everywhere. Turned out, they didn’t work for you, oh well, bye, jeans, next.

              It’s not anything new or app-specific. I dated like this back in college, in the 80s. (People gossiped, but, again, oh well.)

              Like or Dislike: Thumb up 8 Thumb down 0

          • Bill Says:

            Katie, I couldn’t agree with DMN more… you need to focus your time and energy on what you are looking for… not on the people who “tell you who they really are” by flying their big red flags from the very beginning.

            Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 0

  5. Thadeus Says:

    If she’s running late and texts me AFTER our agreed meeting time?

    I reply no thanks.

    I think most mature folks know if they’re going to be late before the expected time.

    I shouldn’t have to ask where you are.

    Grow up.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 2 Thumb down 23

    • ATWYSingle Says:

      Oh for fuck’s sake. Most people are late to dates. Shit happens. Traffic, stalled subway cars, you forgot your keys or your phone. Nobody actually up and leaves a date in a huff because their date didn’t text them to say they’d be 15 minutes late. Any one who does is a weirdo who should take themselves out of the dating pool.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 36 Thumb down 2

  6. Thadeus Says:

    And pregnant women can look for love too.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 3 Thumb down 15

  7. D. Says:

    Katie,

    I think you’re asking the wrong question. It’s tough to say when you should have bailed, at least in a way that makes it less likely that this will happen in the future. While there are some solid general guidelines/rules (e.g. people who cancel last minute are usually self-absorbed dicks), you have to look at each situation taking into account the totality of the circumstances. A last minute cancellation might be genuine under certain circumstances, even if most of the time it’s just someone being shitty. It’s also a lot tougher to know when to pull the ripcord when the issue is that on the one hand they can’t seem to schedule a date effectively or require you to prod them into making a plan, but on the other seem to otherwise be demonstrating that they’re interested.

    The real problem in asking the question of “when to pull it?” is that it misses the point. I mean, yes, you need to figure out how to determine when someone isn’t interested and learn to walk away, but you also should really be asking yourself why you aren’t walking away before that point? What’s keeping you around?

    What was it about this guy that kept you hanging in, in spite of the otherwise not-great signs? Why did you say “You know what? I’ll give this a shot” when he made it clear that he had pretty limited availability (e.g. sick dad, busy work), and otherwise was kinda flaky and disinterested apparently. Why hang in?

    Answer that question, and you’ll probably be in a much better place to avoid something like this happening again.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 10 Thumb down 0

    • asker Says:

      Can you clarify this: “you need to figure out how to determine when someone isn’t interested and learn to walk away, but you also should really be asking yourself why you aren’t walking away before that point? What’s keeping you around?”

      Why would you walk away before determining someone is not interested?

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

      • KK Says:

        I think the point is that 1. Maybe determine YOUR level of interest ffirst, before thinking about how the guy feels. And 2. This guy was blatantly not too interested, so learn how to spot the tiny signs first, before it devolves in to such obviousmess.

        This is all very easy to say. Much harder to put into practice when there is someone you really like.

        Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 10 Thumb down 0

      • D. Says:

        What I’m getting at is that the OP’s two submissions were very focused on this guy’s behavior, analyzing it, figuring out what it meant, determining whether he was interested or just stringing her along, etc.

        What about her interest in him? Is she all that interested in him? If so, why? What is it about this guy that was so alluring? Or was it less about the guy and more about the process, or about the idea of “what could be” with this guy?

        From what I’ve seen and personally experienced, the times when we’re letting shit slide with people that we’d never put up with otherwise, it’s usually down to one of three things:

        1. We’re REALLY attracted to them. It’s a simple truth that people — men and women both — will put up with a lot of bullshit from someone they’re really attracted to, when they’d otherwise already be gone if it were someone they were only kinda “meh” about.

        2. There’s an ego/self-esteem component in all of this. We aren’t necessarily super into this other person as a person, but we’re really, REALLY into the fact that they seem into us. This almost always happens when we perceive the other person to be “out of our league,” either consciously or unconsciously. Could be based on looks, maybe based on prestige or career or whatever, but we look at this person and get excited because someone like that is interested in us! At which point, it almost becomes beside the point as to whether you’re interested in them.

        3. You’re caught up in a fantasy you have about this other person and/or the kind of relationship you could have with them. That fantasy becomes a kind of brass ring that you keep chasing after. Again, this is often independent of the actual person in front of you, and you end up completely ignoring their behavior and all kinds of red flags, because you’re more focused on whatever it is you have in your mind.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 9 Thumb down 0

        • Katie Says:

          Hi everyone – I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who took the time to read my posts (original and follow-up) and give their feedback – even the ones that were tough to “hear”/read. I will say at the outset that I believe Moxie is right – he was/is probably dating multiple people and I fell off the rotation. Or, alternatively, we went out on 3 dates and he decided he didn’t like me enough/we weren’t compatible enough to move forward. Simple. Tough to accept because I genuinely liked this one, but simple. And yes, hindsight is 20/20. The red flags weren’t waving from the very beginning—he came on pretty strong at the very beginning and then the first red flag started waving when he got the flu 30 minutes before date #3 (to answer D’s question of “Why hang in?” – I was hanging in because the first 2 were really fun, enjoyable dates and there was good follow-up in between/after). The rapid-onset flu, like I said before, was before the third date, so by that point my hopes were already up because I liked the guy and up until that point, he hadn’t given me any reason to believe he was anything but sincere.

          And no, I didn’t like him or want his attention because he was especially hot (I don’t know where that came in) or because he has an especially prestigious job or has a lot of money. I mentioned that he travels a lot for work but I wouldn’t call his job especially prestigious. As far as leagues? Who knows – I’m not in a position to judge. I’ve definitely been out with guys who are out of my league and I’ll usually know ahead of time that it won’t amount to much, and then it doesn’t. I don’t know if this one was or wasn’t, but I do know I wasn’t distracted by some insane physical attraction (I’ve been there, and this wasn’t it). I liked this guy because he was kind and funny and smart, and (I hoped) genuine. I felt comfortable around him. He seemed interested in getting to know me (as I was in him). He was a good listener. I’ve never laughed as hard as I did during our dinners. So yes, I was invested I guess. And I was doing everything I could to be on my best behavior and not screw it up. I was coming off the end of a 4-month Tinder dating “spree” where I would go on multiple dates a week, sometimes more than one a night, but I wasn’t really clicking with anyone and so I wasn’t really feeling any rejection other than mild disappointment that nothing was really materializing. When this one cancelled 30 minutes before our 3rd date, I definitely saw that red flag that perhaps his interest was waning and did everything I could (I thought) to brace myself for the disappointment. He called me to cancel, I said “no problem – get better,” I didn’t respond to the first 2 apology texts, I unmatched him on Tinder, and selectively responded to the deluge of thermometer/chicken soup texts over the weekend. I didn’t initiate any texts with him asking to reschedule and in fact gave him every opportunity to just – “peace out” if that’s the outcome he wanted. With the benefit of hindsight, I think he cancelled because something better came along, saw that I unmatched him, and became very focused on “proving” he was sick with the endless texts. I mistook those texts to demonstrate genuine interest in keeping the momentum going, but they weren’t. That’s why there was never any mention of rescheduling anything. I don’t think he wanted to look like a douche because at the core of it, he probably really isn’t – he probably just is a regular guy with a lot of options in a city (DC) where single women way outnumber single men and I just didn’t make the cut.

          I do wish he had stopped with the endless texting, though. Like I said in my original post, I’ve been at this for longer than I care to admit, and people that are on the fence about you – people that are “testing” you or keeping you as an option – tend not to initiate contact morning, noon, and night. I had never seen that before, and I interpreted it as something it wasn’t, because I wanted it to be something it wasn’t. And I did – despite my best intentions not to – get invested/attached because of our daily contact. Yes, at a certain point, you do start to look forward to hearing from someone you’re starting to like.

          All of this input has been really helpful – now that I think about it, I guess my question really shouldn’t have been/wasn’t about when I should have “cut him loose.” What I really needed to know was I could have better braced myself for disappointment when I’m not exactly Gigi Hadid and I’m trying to navigate the 2016 online dating reality that Moxie describes. But I suppose there’s only so much you can do to brace yourself for that disappointment when you meet someone you really like and you hope that person feels the same way about you — and then they don’t. I just have to sit with this one for awhile and know I’ll eventually get over it. Rejection sucks. Thank you for listening.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 0

          • fuzzilla Says:

            **What I really needed to know was I could have better braced myself for disappointment when I’m not exactly Gigi Hadid and I’m trying to navigate the 2016 online dating reality that Moxie describes.**

            Date/go on dates with multiple people ’til you have a good, clearly communicated reason to focus on just one. Then you’re the star of your life, and his flakiness means *he’s* falling out of *your* rotation.

            Some people don’t like to date more than one person at at a time – honestly, I don’t either, but I just figured it was doing what I could to keep my expectations realistic. Going on multiple dates with multiple different people is helpful to compare and contrast what you do and don’t want from a guy (like the trying on jeans analogy someone else mentioned). It helped me judge potential paramours by their behavior rather than the so-called “vagina tingles” or whatever.

            You’re not Gigi Hadad? Well, most guys ain’t Joe Manganiello, either. Don’t give one OKCupid rando so much power, even the playing field.

            Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 0

          • bbdawg Says:

            OP I have been there myself, I think we all have – meeting someone you *really* like and that turning into nothing. From what you describe what happened was probably that he noticed that if things kept going in the direction they were going, it about to turn into a “relationship” and most likely, he didn’t want that.

            The best way to go about this is to think that men NEVER want relationships, only when it’s an exception, that way you don’t assume that because you had a great date with someone, that means you will date regularly, become exclusive and so forth. You have to let the man speak through his actions and see if he will pick up the pace.

            This is ***really*** hard for us women to understand because we all want the magical “connection” with ONE person but many men value their “freedom” (variety) more than they value one woman (relationship) only. At least you can rest assured that no matter what would have happened, this would have not turned into a relationship.

            Online dating is honestly not the best place to find people you are stable and reliable these days. Others have suggested meet-up groups, or places where you can find people who have similar interests to yours.

            Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 2

  8. Yvonne Says:

    I think hindsight always has 20/20. If someone needs to cancel last minute they’d better have a sincere apology and a backup plan. Of course, last minute cancelers generally don’t.

    But I would avoid marathon first dates that last for 7 hours. Don’t get too invested too soon.

    My question is, with the constant cycling through of date after date, person after person, how does anyone get into an actual relationship? After all, you can’t have a relationship without dating first.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 0

  9. Parenting Says:

    If I’m reading the situation correctly, I’ve totally been there. You have a hot guy giving ambiguous signals. So you decide all cool like, “Lets see how this plays out.” Before you know it, you find yourself far more invested than you intended and emotionally drained at the end of the experience. To avoid this situation in the future, I would say either go ahead and pursue the guy but learn to be far less invested in the outcome OR if you cannot be less invested, chuck guys like this sooner.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 9 Thumb down 0

  10. bbdawg Says:

    OP, we have all been there. The important thing, at least what I have learnt, is to know WHAT you’re looking for before you meet anyone. That makes things a lot easier.

    For several reasons, many of us are content with some sort of male attention regardless of the quality or consistency of that attention. In addition, culture tells us not to be “demanding”, that if you are looking for a relationship you must be somehow deficient or desperate.

    The first problem is that we look for “the person” as opposed to “the outcome” so when we meet men that are “impressive” or fit our ideas of what the “right” person might be, we become blinded. The best way to work around this is to picture the outcome. Not the “romantic” sense of you falling in love with this person, but the day-to-day outcome.

    In my case, for example, I want someone who will be around as a partner, that I can count on, who can get along with my friends and family, will be part of my life, who is an intellectual equal.

    So the first step with dating, if you are looking for a partner, especially online dating is to determine 1. how reliable this person appears to be, 2. How consistent and 3. What they are looking for. THEN you can begin to see if this person might be a match.

    In the case of this person you mentioned, the first time he canceled it was annoying but hey, this happens. He has the benefit of the doubt. So the course of action is to only say “that’s fine no problem, take care”. Do NOT reach out after that (i.e. “hey I am following up to see if you want to meet at some point”).

    If he reaches out again, and texts about “how’s work?” or “how’s it going”
    and sends meaningless vague texts, just say “hey nice to hear from you, you know what let me know if you would like to meet again (location and place), I only really text people I don’t know well to make plans. I already have friends that I text regularly, that’s not what I am looking for:) Have a good day!”

    Yes that will probably “scare” the man away, but that is exactly the point. Dating is about finding people who are reliable and want to be part of your REAL life.

    This is why the most important “skill” in dating, from a female perspective, is “the drop”: cutting men out quickly. I learnt this from experience. You do this by listening and focusing on what the person is saying and how they act as opposed to how you feel about them or what you “want” to see happen.

    The last time I did this, was when I met a man from Tinder who was nice and attractive from the messages and pictures, but we met up at a loud bar (not a place for a conversation) and it was clear that he was very set in his ways, had his kids and I noticed how we had little in common right away. Then I noticed when he said “I am not looking for anything very serious right now”. I waited about two minutes after this and just said “well it was nice to meet you, I have to go”. And I walked out. (PS: I ordered seltzer water which is free before anyone says I was exploiting the guy for drinks or meals). He had a look of shock on his face but this is what you have to do in the age of Tinder.

    You have to immediately let go of people who are not looking for what you are looking for. This is an area where you absolutely cannot compromise. It’s a little bit like bargaining, where if you accept a low-balling offer (“casual”), you have no chance of getting the “fair price” (i.e. relationship), ever. So the only option you really have is to listen to see what a man has to offer, and if what he offers matches your needs.

    If you knowingly accept an offer that is lower than what your needs are, you are the one who will end up paying the price.

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    • Parenting Says:

      I agree that you have to know what type of relationship you are looking for going in. However, if I sent a message to someone asking how their day was going and the response that came back was “I already have friends that I text regularly”, I wouldn’t be scared off, I’d be put off. Why reply at all?

      Maybe its me being a bleeding heart tampon, but dating can be a bruising and emotionally exhausting experience no matter what you are looking for. I don’t think its necessary to be brash just because your date is not on the same page as you provided they are otherwise being polite.

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      • bbdawg Says:

        I didn’t mean that to be the answer to “how’s your day”, it’s just that I experienced a consistent pattern with some men who really just want to text. And you have to cut them off.

        It usually takes a couple of days of back and forth about nothing until you cut them off. One time I was texting for several days on tinder with some guy iI hadnt even met and just said “hey I am unmatching you now, this is my email, I just don’t want to spend a lot of time texting someone I haven’t met” and we ended up meeting and nothing came of it, it was meh in person, because texting is meaningless.

        You have to meet in person. He even said he was really busy to texting was a way to have some distraction while doing a long project a work. It means nothing.

        People spend HOURS texting even if you’re “doing something else” at the same time, it’s a lot to give to someone you don’t know or barely know. The way to connect with someone is to *spend time with them in the real world*.

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        • fuzzilla Says:

          I know, I *hated* endless texting with OKC randos. I would always try to nip the possibility of it in the bud. One guy really wanted to set up the date over text and I was like, why can’t we just do that here on the website? Then he wouldn’t talk about anything besides the fact that he’d rather text and I said, “What can you say in a text that you can’t say here?” and he disappeared. Like you said, better to lose them early if they’re inflexible or don’t want the same thing. It’s like, I haven’t even met you and I’m already pissed off. No thanks.

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          • fuzzilla Says:

            (Well, I was maybe more annoyed than straight up pissed off, but yeah – his desire for me to do things his way was stronger than his desire to talk to me or set the date up, so… Could he have said the same thing of me? Eh, maybe. I just didn’t see a good reason to give my number out to someone I was “meh” about when we were both perfectly capable of chatting on the website. I just didn’t trust him enough to not send dick pics or endless meaningless texts. That really is freeing when you look at it like, “If you set a reasonable boundary and the person bails – then good. You *want* to alienate the people who would just waste your time”).

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            • mxf Says:

              I rarely had people push for texting, but one guy immediately asked for access to my FB profile. Nope. I told him that I’m not much of a social media person, so it’s really mostly good friends and family. And he was surprised that I didn’t want access to his profile as well, so we could both see if we were secretly “anti-social weirdos.” And I was like… well, we could meet for a beer to determine the same thing, and then if one of us is… never see each other again. Shrug.

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              • fuzzilla Says:

                As a woman I can cite safety concerns for holding back on sharing my phone # (and no, I’m not an overly paranoid weirdo – it’s a time waster filter more than anything). What’s a guy’s excuse for insisting on texting? Convenience? Let’s just let the meeting speak for itself. Or let’s not meet if your convenience is more important than my repeatedly stated preferences.

                I know, who cares, just #petpeeve.

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