I’m not sure if you remember me or not – we spoke a few months ago about my match profile and I sent you a Starbucks gift card that you almost thought was spam and deleted, haha. I’m sorry to bother you, I just am really at a loss and needed expert advice. Do you believe in “the pullback?” I’ve been researching online and A LOT of articles are written saying that it’s normal for your boyfriend to just stop contacting you if they have heavy feelings for you because they’re scared. I don’t know whether to call bullshit. I am in a similar situation now.
Met a guy online. He pursued me completely from dating to saying “I love you” first to initiating an exclusive relationship. We have been seeing each other for almost two months. Everything was perfect between us. No fighting, no red flags, no nothing. Then, he starts acting odd a few days ago. Not saying “I love you” back in texts…not calling me “babe,” etc. He still would say things like “I wish we were cuddling” and things like that, but he was different and I could sense it. I asked him if he was okay because he wasn’t acting like himself and he said he was fine and just busy working on homework, so I let it go.
The next day…same thing…so I finally asked if everything was okay between him and I and he said he was sorry that he’s been acting differently and that he has a lot on his plate and it’s a balancing act and it sucks. Now this is true. He does have a full time job and two part time jobs AND was recently told his current job would be ending this summer. Those were not new developments though and never affected his interactions toward me or our relationship. He DID just sign up for two classes online though and that seemed to push him over the stress ledge. I said I understood completely and that I was always and would continue to be supportive of that. I said if you’re saying that you don’t want to be in a relationship anymore though, then I need to know that.
NO RESPONSE. NOTHING. It’s been 36 hours. He’s posting on Facebook, so I know he’s alive. I don’t know what to do. It literally came out of nowhere. All throughout the days he’d say I love you, I miss you, you make me so happy, and he’d call also almost every day. I genuinely believed him and because I’m so shocked, I just need guidance. Did classes really put him in a place where he felt like he had to end our relationship? He couldn’t just say “Hey, as you know I’ve got a lot going on and these classes are going to take up some of our time together. Are you okay with that?” BECAUSE I WOULD HAVE BEEN OKAY WITH THAT.
Do I text again and ask what’s wrong? According to “the pullback” articles, I’ve already screwed up everything by asking that already. TWICE. Is this really pullback? Should I say nothing and he’ll spring back to me? Should I text and act like nothing is wrong? I’m honestly devastated. I feel so hurt, so betrayed, so dehumanized. I’m sorry this e-mail is probably a grammatical mess…I’m just so lost and I need the advice of someone I trust. Thank you for even taking the time to read this.
I’ve been researching online and A LOT of articles are written saying that it’s normal for your boyfriend to just stop contacting you if they have heavy feelings for you because they’re scared.
This is NOT A THING. Advice like this makes my eyes bleed. The idea that a guy is pulling back because he’s afraid is something Shonda Rhimes uses as a plot device every other month. No. Gurl, no. With the rare exception, most guys pull back because – wait for it – they don’t want to date that person any more. He’s stopped saying I love you. Big. Red. Flag.
Next let’s address this “almost 2 months” thing. Almost two months usually means about 6 weeks. So, any guy actively and aggressively seeking to lock down a relationship before that is suspect. Yeah, yeah. I’m so cynical. Whatever. For those of us who date and date and date and constantly run into that person who isn’t quite ready to settle down, we know this guy in your letter is a unicorn. People just aren’t moving this fast anymore. Well, let me amend that: people aren’t moving this fast anymore except for people who just want to be in a relationship and lock it down quickly, then realize after the fact they don’t want to be in that relationship.
Now this is true. He does have a full time job and two part time jobs AND was recently told his current job would be ending this summer. Those were not new developments though and never affected his interactions toward me or our relationship
Exactly. The multiple jobs and classes were not new developments. They were always part of the equation. Ergo, him using those things to explain why he’s gone incommunicado is bullshit. Much like the letter from this morning about the guy who needed space, I think this guy jumped in head first thinking he had time for a relationship or wanted to be in this particular relationship and discovered 6 or 8 weeks in that he didn’t.
Did classes really put him in a place where he felt like he had to end our relationship? He couldn’t just say “Hey, as you know I’ve got a lot going on and these classes are going to take up some of our time together. Are you okay with that?” BECAUSE I WOULD HAVE BEEN OKAY WITH THAT.
Right, he could have communicated his intense schedule, but he didn’t.
This sounds like a simple case of The Fade. He might follow up with you in a day or two, but I think it will be to tell you he doesn’t have time for a relationship. Don’t let him convince to to keep dating under the new boundaries he’s set. A lot of guys do this; they come on strong then pull back citing job pressure or issues with past relationships or what have you.They do this to be released from their (boyfriend) contract, so to speak. Then they continue to hover around and take you out and sleep with you, only now there’s no exclusivity. Don’t fall for that trick.