Name: lost for words
Question: I have been online dating off and on for a little over a year now. I belong to both ‘match’ and ‘eharmony.’ When I started online dating I thought for sure that most of the issues I would encounter would come from ‘match.’ Ironically, ‘eharmony’ seems to get the award for the most flakes…while I haven’t had too many issues or bad experiences on ‘match.’
So I met what I thought was an incredible young woman on ‘eharmony’ and after jumping through all the bells and whistles that ‘eharmony’ makes you go through we started emailing each other on a consistent basis. Now I am not one to email, as I prefer to set up a date and meet in person. Problem is she had stated from the start that she was only free several weeks later which would mean we would email each other for hours on end every day or so. Aside from her busy schedule and having some personal issues (she is a single mom and her son has some issues and her ex shares custody) all seemed normal.
Three days before the date I email her about setting up the details of the date and she doesn’t reply. Finally two days before I give her my phone number and state it is probably best to text so we can coordinate plans. Now here is my first ‘red flag.’ In my email I told her my schedule at work. Literally fifteen minutes before I am set to leave the office for the night I get a text from her (note that I never got her phone number until now) about meeting for dinner tonight and if I want to go she would be willing to meet me, but doesn’t want to rush me as it is literally last minute notice. I meet her for dinner and there is considerable chemistry; albeit she is somewhat socially awkward (hey, even I get nervous so I can’t fault her for that). She even appeared to want to stay longer, but the restaurant was closing so we called it a good night. On the way out, I ask if I can see her again and she seems interested and says yes, but in about two weeks as her ex has her son every
other weekend. No problem.
Given that she is busy I decide it best not to text or email. right away Roughly three to four days later I get an email stating that she really enjoyed dinner and spending time with me and that I should enjoy my week (?). I email her back and tell her that I enjoyed spending time with her and ask her if she wants to go out again.
Now here is where it starts to get bizarre. No response. None. So I wait until the next week and text her asking if she wants to go out. Again, no response. A little hurt and confused I figure okay, I’ll go through the list of my ‘eharmony’ matches and move on. Ironically, I discover a second online profile with her exact name except this profile is listed under the former city she lived in before moving (ironically, ‘eharmony’ matched me with her twice…lol). Everything is the same except she has an opposite political affiliation listed and different pictures, but they are definitely her. This has me confused to say the least so I do notice that I already started to converse with her (I sent her questions through ‘eharmony’ to begin conversation) on this newly discovered profile as well with no response. I email her once more through the profile I am conversing with her just to say I just wanted to see if you wanted to go out again as I had fun (third times a charm).
Everything about this young woman checks out…except for having two distinct profiles with different political viewpoints. All I want to know is if she wasn’t interested why the hell did she send that email telling me she enjoyed dinner and spending time with me only to ghost me thereafter? Why not just not send anything at all and let me know by your silence you are not interested? Or better yet, respond back to my text with a polite no thanks? That would have been preferred, but I guess I am not even worthy of a response?
What did I do wrong and what can I learn from this? Ironically, my communication is still open with her on ‘eharmony’ and I would really like to go out with her again even though I know that she obviously isn’t interested. ‘Eharmony’ seems to be full of avoidant personalities and people who like the idea of dating and relationships, but not the reality of them. This just happens to be the most bizarre experience I had on the site, but there are a lot of other experiences that give me pause. Help…!
I don’t understand. You wished that she had just ghosted you and not accepted another date, but now you’re upset because she ghosted you? I haz confuse.
Aside from her busy schedule and having some personal issues (she is a single mom and her son has some issues and her ex shares custody) all seemed normal.
Just for the record…none of this seems normal. The messaging for days, her unavailability, the two profiles – nope. Not normal. I don’t know why anybody who doesn’t have more than a couple nights a months free would even attempt to date. I think she was stringing you along from the get go and back burnering you while she dated other guys. She only agreed to meet you when her options dried up. Hence the last minute invite to meet for dinner. Somebody else canceled on her and she had the night free. That’s why she was taking so long to respond to your text about confirming plans. She was waiting to see if someone else came through.
This woman is juggling multiple guys. Her email checking in and wishing you a good week was her doing due diligence. She was keeping the lines of communication open so that you wouldn’t think she’d forgotten about you. Guys do this all the time, by the way. I’m sure she’ll reappear in the near future as though nothing happened.
‘Eharmony’ seems to be full of avoidant personalities and people who like the idea of dating and relationships, but not the reality of them.
I agree. eHarmony, with all it’s steps and hoops, is perfect for people who are ambivalent about dating. But then, so is Tinder and Bumble and OKCupid. The anonymity and lack of accountability involved with online dating is ideal for people who don’t know what they want and don’t like being the bad guy.
My take on this is that this woman is a professional dater and keeps several guys on her roster for when she wants a night out or a free meal. You didn’t do anything wrong. You just encountered a person who juggles multiple potential matches at one time.