Did He Get Scammed By A Professional Dater?

ghosted

Name: lost for words
:
Question: I have been online dating off and on for a little over a year now. I belong to both ‘match’ and ‘eharmony.’ When I started online dating I thought for sure that most of the issues I would encounter would come from ‘match.’ Ironically, ‘eharmony’ seems to get the award for the most flakes…while I haven’t had too many issues or bad experiences on ‘match.’

So I met what I thought was an incredible young woman on ‘eharmony’ and after jumping through all the bells and whistles that ‘eharmony’ makes you go through we started emailing each other on a  consistent basis. Now I am not one to email, as I prefer to set up a date and meet in person. Problem is she had stated from the start that she was only free several weeks later which would mean we would email each other for hours on end every day or so. Aside from her busy schedule and having some personal issues (she is a single mom and her son has some issues and her ex shares custody) all seemed normal.

Three days before the date I email her about setting up the details of the date and she doesn’t reply. Finally two days before I give her my phone number and state it is probably best to text so we can coordinate plans. Now here is my first ‘red flag.’ In my email I told her my schedule at work. Literally fifteen minutes before I am set to leave the office for the night I get a text from her (note that I never got her phone number until now) about meeting for dinner tonight and if I want to go she would be willing to meet me, but doesn’t want to rush me as it is literally last minute notice. I meet her for dinner and there is considerable chemistry; albeit she is somewhat socially awkward (hey, even I get nervous so I can’t fault her for that). She even appeared to want to stay longer, but the restaurant was closing so we called it a good night. On the way out,  I ask if I can see her again and she seems interested and says yes, but in about two weeks as her ex has her son every
other weekend. No problem.

Given that she is busy I decide it best not to text or email. right away Roughly three to four days later I get an email stating that she really enjoyed dinner and spending time with me and that I should enjoy my week (?). I email her back and tell her that I enjoyed spending time with her and ask her if she wants to go out again.

Now here is where it starts to get bizarre. No response. None. So I wait until the next week and text her asking if she wants to go out. Again, no response. A little hurt and confused I figure okay, I’ll go through the list of my ‘eharmony’ matches and move on. Ironically, I discover a second online profile with her exact name except this profile is listed under the former city she lived in before moving (ironically, ‘eharmony’ matched me with her twice…lol). Everything is the same except she has an opposite political affiliation listed and different pictures, but they are definitely her. This has me confused to say the least so I do notice that I already started to converse with her (I sent her questions through ‘eharmony’ to begin conversation) on this newly discovered profile as well with no response. I email her once more through the profile I am conversing with her just to say I just wanted to see if you wanted to go out again  as I had fun (third times a charm).

Everything about this young woman checks out…except for having two distinct profiles with different political viewpoints. All I want to know is if she wasn’t interested why the hell did she send that email telling me she enjoyed dinner and spending time with me only to ghost me thereafter? Why not just not send anything at all and let me know by your silence you are not interested? Or better yet, respond back to my text with a polite no thanks? That would have been preferred, but I guess I am not even worthy of a response?

What did I do wrong and what can I learn from this? Ironically, my communication is still open with her on ‘eharmony’ and I would really like to go out with her again even though I know that she obviously isn’t interested. ‘Eharmony’ seems to be full of avoidant personalities and people who like the idea of dating and relationships, but not the reality of them. This just happens to be the most bizarre experience I had on the site, but there are a lot of other experiences that give me pause. Help…!
Age: 39

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I don’t understand. You wished that she had just ghosted you and not accepted another date, but now you’re upset because she ghosted you? I haz confuse.

Aside from her busy schedule and having some personal issues (she is a single mom and her son has some issues and her ex shares custody) all seemed normal.

Just for the record…none of this seems normal. The messaging for days, her unavailability, the two profiles – nope. Not normal. I don’t know why anybody who doesn’t have more than a couple nights a months free would even attempt to date. I think she was stringing you along from the get go and back burnering you while she dated other guys. She only agreed to meet you when her options dried up. Hence the last minute invite to meet for dinner. Somebody else canceled on her and she had the night free. That’s why she was taking so long to respond to your text about confirming plans. She was waiting to see if someone else came through.

This woman is juggling multiple guys. Her email checking in and wishing you a good week was her doing due diligence. She was keeping the lines of communication open so that you wouldn’t think she’d forgotten about you. Guys do this all the time, by the way. I’m sure she’ll reappear in the near future as though nothing happened.

‘Eharmony’ seems to be full of avoidant personalities and people who like the idea of dating and relationships, but not the reality of them.

I agree. eHarmony, with all it’s steps and hoops,  is perfect for people who are ambivalent about dating. But then, so is Tinder and Bumble and OKCupid. The anonymity and lack of accountability involved with online dating is ideal for people who don’t know what they want and don’t like being the bad guy.

My take on this is that this woman is a professional dater and keeps several guys on her roster for when she wants a night out or a free meal. You didn’t do anything wrong. You just encountered a person who juggles multiple potential matches at one time.

Thoughts?

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32 Responses to “Did He Get Scammed By A Professional Dater?”

  1. PGH Gal Says:

    I am more confused by why you mention wanting to go out with her again. She’s only free every few weeks, she only messages when convenient, she will only agree to last minute plans at her leisure and has obviously set up multiple profiles on the site she met you on (where she has no control over who she’s matched with, so clearly doesn’t care if you found out). I know men tend to enjoy the chase, but this is on another level.

    If you like drama and being treated like a back up plan, stick with it. If you truly want a relationship, unmatch with her profiles and block all contact.

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    • Eliza Says:

      I fully agree…perhaps the OP likes to be treated like an “option”…and given last minute opportunities to then be ghosted on, and taken for a ride. Drama, created and embraced …all by the OP. He insists on pursuing this dead-end street…so be it.
      Just block her profile and move on, if what you want is a genuine connection with someone like-minded. She is juggling, and I get that…at first we are all online, to some extent exploring what’s out there…but she is a serial-dater, playing games. Don’t hate the player…play the game! Because that’s what online dating is basically all about, for many.

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  2. bbdawg Says:

    I don’t understand why people use eHarmony, seriously. That site sounds like the biggest waste of time ever.

    I am speculating that this woman is probably a lot more attractive than most and is shooting for men below her league so she can be treated like a “prize”, like a “princess” and get gifts like expensive handbags from older boyfriends.

    Perhaps the OP isn’t quite high earning enough to merit her attention? I am guessing the OP either isn’t very attractive to most women (or is not particularly self-aware) or is wildly going way above this league with this one woman.

    Otherwise, why would he be so upset about this one date? \

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    • PGH Gal Says:

      I thought this too (that she’s unusually attractive) and assumed that’s why he experienced all of this (one-sided) “chemistry” on their last minute date. She just wants to be fawned after and he seems to like being dumped upon, so I guess they’re perfect for each other.

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  3. bbdawg Says:

    I don’t understand why people use eHarmony, seriously. That site sounds like the biggest waste of time ever.

    I am speculating that this woman is probably a lot more attractive than most and is shooting for men below her league so she can be treated like a “prize”, like a “princess” and get gifts like expensive handbags from older boyfriends.

    Perhaps the OP isn’t quite high earning enough to merit her attention? I am guessing the OP either isn’t very attractive to most women (or is not particularly self-aware) or is wildly going way above this league with this one woman.

    Otherwise, why would he be so upset about this one date?

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    • Selena Says:

      In the OP’s letter he refers to her twice as a “young woman”. which makes me wonder if she is significantly younger than him. Clearly she is ambivalent at best about dating him and if he is out of her preferred age range that might be a factor.

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  4. neo Says:

    Wow bbdawg,

    No offense, but I don’t know what version of reality you live in. Do you even try online dating? People ghost, flake, and disappear and then reappear all the time. Attraction has nothing to do with this. I would even bet it is possible that the OP is more attractive than the girl (totally hot girls generally are not descuibed as ‘socially awkward’ as the OP describes). In my experience it is the so called ‘girl next door’ and average types who flake and fade the most. Higher maintenance women with a lot of options tend to date their equals of the opposite sex. My question to the OP would be why the hell would he still want to date her? This isn’t about the chase by the way; he is probably one of the good looking types who lacks confidence. If he had a little more self worth he wouldn’t be so hurt over this whole experience. Most people would just move on to the next one, but he chose to write to a dating website instead. Those long emails he shared with her must have had the effect the girl was obviously hoping for; her ability to rope him in. That coupled with his self worth is why is he asking for advise on something that seems so basic. Enough said…

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    • asker Says:

      Most women on online dating are “girl-next-door”, don’t you think? What would a sexy supermodel be doing on match or eharmony? Seriously.

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  5. kb8240 Says:

    OK you had me until ‘you did nothing wrong.’ Somebody needs to help this guy…
    1. Only communicating via mail is from 1997, and is a huge red flag for someone creeping around and juggliung
    2. You decided not to text or email because she couldn’t meet up for 2 weeks? Of course she bailed, you seem uninterested
    3. The email she DID send you was a send off, she wasn’t interested on the night but couldn’t say so to your face and so sent this. When you replied with continued interest, she ghosted.

    The follow up info about her other profile and further contact from you through eharmony reads super duper desperate. Let it go and stop chasing.

    From the way he keeps calling her a young woman and her reactions, my bet is she is significantly younger and on meeting him felt/saw the age difference and was out. As someone in this age bracket, this happens A LOT. Guys regularly post photos from 5-10 years earlier and/or lie about their age and on meeting, appear much older than their profile indicates. (Dark hair in pics, completely gray in person, WTF?!)
    Nobody wants to date their uncle/dad.

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    • Katie Says:

      Agreed. I’ve gotten messages from guys 10 – 15 years older than me, despite the fact that they’re not in my interest age range (although I get that I might be in theirs). It’s always funny the ones who are surprised or even angry when I don’t reply back or say I’m not interested…….no matter how nice/funny/smart/etc the OP may be, sometimes an age difference is too much.

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  6. asker Says:

    Maybe she had trouble updating her account and restarted the whole thing. I tried eharmony after a couple of years, and the website wasn’t very intuitive, to tell you the truth. As for the inconsistency on her political leanings… if she’s a lot younger than the guy, maybe she doesn’t even know where she stands… heck, what does the GOP stand for nowadays? Any way, she is not that into him, after all.

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  7. Bill Says:

    OP, lot’s of good advice for you here. First, she wasn’t that interested in you to begin with. The last minute date means that someone cancelled on her and rather than spend a weekend night at home, she decided to give the “old guy” a spin. Though you felt chemistry, she didn’t, or not enough.

    So, why did she text you? Because after the date, you “ghosted” her for 4 days. Her ego demanded that she be the one who ghosted you, which she promptly did after you responded and expressed further interest. Ego satisfied.

    Also, dump eHarmony, ASAP. The hoops you have to jump through just to chat, let alone meet in person, are ridiculous. Add a second site, a free one, that is popular in your area.

    Finally, quit chasing “young women”. You are facing 40. Those days are over. You should be dating 30-somethings, with 34-39 being your likely “sweet spot”, though your listed preference should be 34-44.

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  8. The OP Says:

    ***Attention: I am the OP!*** Wow, there are so many inaccuracies in some of these responses! (note: that there is some good advice in these comments too) …wow…that being said…
    1. The young woman is 34! Please note that I was originally going to say ‘girl’ in my reply but judging by how much people are reading into this I actually now believe that some of you would think I was a pedophile (sad I have to clarify this)!
    2. Know the difference between text and email! I couldn’t text her until the exact night of the date because she only had my phone number! I didn’t get her number (major red flag) until she texted me fifteen minutes before leaving the office!
    3. I always wait for the woman I am dating to text me after a date as you know, common courtesy, I expect a simple thank you! No thank you? Why on Earth would I date that person again? Hence the reason I was confused as to why she waited several days before sending this. If you are going to ‘ghost’ just GHOST!
    4. No offense and I understand I am biased, but actually the girl is a solid ‘6.’I have no problem getting dates, but really liked her. Perhaps it was all those damn emails? I am more attracted to her intelligence and education over anything else. Ironically, she is by far NOT the best looking woman I have dated (in fact I consider her average). If that sounds bad, so be it.
    5. Someone hit the nail on the head and ironically, everyone here disregarded this person’s comments….drum roll please…the self-worth issues! Why on Earth would anyone chase after someone who treats them this way? After submitting this to this website I now know what I need to work on! Lesson learned!

    In conclusion, don’t read so much into things and then miss other details. A lot of you were quick to analyze what ‘young woman’ meant, but couldn’t differentiate between email and text. I appreciate some of the comments, really I do. Others were just so off the mark I now know not to take comments without a pinch of salt so to say!

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    • Yvonne Says:

      ” I always wait for the woman I am dating to text me after a date as you know, common courtesy, I expect a simple thank you! No thank you? Why on Earth would I date that person again?”

      Well, many women think that texting a man after a first date is the equivalent of chasing him. They want to make sure he’s really interested, so they wait for him to get back in touch. I am not saying the thank-you text is right or wrong, just that not all women will text a thank you after a date. If you really did like her, there’s nothing wrong with texting her to tell her you’d like to go out again. Oh, you told her that in person? I’m assuming she already thanked you in person as well.

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      • Eliza Says:

        I agree with Yvonne…after any date…I would verbally say “thank you”…or “it was very nice meeting you”. And if I get radio silence from the guy afterweards…sure, it can be construed that he may not be interested or that he can take it or leave it. Who wants that type of luke warm approach. The door swings both ways. And, yes to a certain degree–the more details that are left out, the more assumptions that may be made…to better help the person choosing to write into a blog, seeking perspectives or advice. It’s a blog, so take it for what it is…people’s varying insights and opinions.

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        • Selena Says:

          “It’s a blog, so take it for what it is…people’s varying insights and opinions.”

          You OP were the one who wrote here seeking explanations/venting. Readers don’t know you or your date, so all we can do is speculate on the situation, sometimes using our own experiences. Maybe something will resonate or maybe not at all.

          No one – including you – knows what this woman was thinking or why she stopped responding to you. But you only met once after all – not worth so much angst about it.

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      • Katie Says:

        Agreed. Everyone does the after-date text differently. I wait for the guy to text me first. Is that the right answer? No, but everyone is different. But if a guy didn’t text me within 4 days, I would assume he wasn’t interested in me after the date. And if I was really interest in him, I would have texted him before 4 days to let him know I had a good time. So either way, a 4 day gap in communication on both sides is saying there isn’t much interest.

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    • DrivingMeNutes Says:

      “I expect a simple thank you! No thank you? Why on Earth would I date that person again?”

      Good question. I am the same way. For this bad ass strategy to be effective (hint, it is) you can’t chase her around like a puppy as soon as she sends the required thank you text. Be cool honey bunny!

      “I am more attracted to her intelligence and education over anything else. Ironically, she is by far NOT the best looking woman I have dated (in fact I consider her average))”

      Aren’t you a unique snowflake? You realize there are 1000 men making the exact same calculation. Get in line bro.

      Yiou people slay me. Honestly, never change.

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      • KK Says:

        To be fair, I don’t think the OP was saying that he should get, like, credit for valuing her intelligence, etc. I think he was saying that it’s not like he is interested just because she’s out of his league hot, which i think some people were suggesting.

        There is absolutely no way this woman is worth a dating column about. She is sketchy, not giving a guy her phone number.

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        • Zaire Says:

          I get that sense from the OP too but what I got from DMN’s comment is that there are many men that might be pursuing the woman because she is ‘average’ in looks but has other things going for her. People make this mistake all the time. They think they are onto something others haven’t discovered and are surprised when that “diamond in the rough” or “plain Jane” has options or isn’t as exited about them as they’d thought.

          Ladies, myself included, do this often. Go after the shy/nerdy but educated and cute guy assuming he’ll have less options than Mr. Big type. The thing is (many) other people have this same strategy making it somewhat ineffective.

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          • Eliza Says:

            You know, Zaire–and you will probably agree with this notion. Just because a woman is not drop dead gorgeous–doesn’t mean she doesn’t have confidence, or feel she brings a lot of great qualities to the table. She can be very successful, witty, funny as hell, and vivacious…and be average in looks…and that alone gives her plenty of options…and she can be so open-minded that she is not only seeking a man for his wealth or looks or based on his age either…these woman may also find wit and intelligence appealing to them. I agree…some women – that are usually shallow may feel since they are blessed with looks–that they should be able to snag what they consider to be the more “homely looking nerd” out of the pack…and have that nerd fawning or falling all over her, and be at her becking call. Nope…doesn’t work that way with everyone. Anyone with a backbone that is. Looks is not the end all and be all with all of us.

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            • Zaire Says:

              Exactly, many times we are so caught up in how we perceive things that we take it for granted that people view the world as we do. Its only human to think this way so I cant really come down too hard on the OP. In this particular situation, the OP might view this woman as average with other redeeming qualities (thus in his ‘league’) but what if other men view her the same or better? If so, she’s likely to have other options. More importantly, if she views HERSELF as being a real catch she will be more inclined to explore her options, decline dates and/or ghost on the type of guys she thinks she can easily attract.

              In any case the OP should just forget about this woman. I have no idea what weird game she is playing but she isn’t worth thinking about at this point.

              I dont blame the

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    • JayD Says:

      OP, You are 39 and you made a point she (34) is this “young woman”. Did she refer to you as daddy?

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    • Nia Says:

      One reason that women who are over 18 get upset over being called ‘girls’ is that it’s infantalizing. It creates the impression that things she does and things she thinks are immature and/or silly because she’s a “girl”, not a woman. It makes the distinction between ‘girls’ (let’s say women up to about 25 or so) and ‘women’ negative: either you’re a ‘miss’ and you’re cute, sexy, desirable, and dateable, or you’re a ‘ma’am’–a political classification and a soon to be matron.

      “Woman” is a title that we give out of respect to people who’ve lived, and by assumption, experienced, a certain amount of life. “Young woman” usually means 18-25, give or take. I get a bit shoulder-hunchy over men who, usually with elaborate courtesy, call someone who’s 34 a “young woman” (when they are only 39. Are you a ‘young man’? Are you a ‘boy’? If it seems weird and out of line to refer to yourself by those terms, ask yourself why it seems so okay to do so to women.

      That’s my 2cents (Susan B. Anthony 2 cent coin, heh)

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  9. D. Says:

    What could possibly be going on with this woman?

    Answer: WHO CARES?

    Look, the bottom line here is simple. She told you everything you needed to know right off the bat. Let’s review.

    – She dragged out communication and did so solely through email, never text or phone.

    – She kept you at arms’ length for several weeks.

    – She basically told you that she has a busy life that isn’t really conducive to dating.

    – She set up a date at literally the last minute.

    These are all signs of someone who you’re better off just skipping past, or at least treating as a very low priority. It doesn’t matter if she is a professional dater who’s juggling 37 other guys at the same time as she is you. It doesn’t matter if she’s actually still married and going through a contentious separation, and that’s why she can never talk on the phone or text or whatever. It doesn’t matter if she’s actually moonlighting as a costumed vigilante, and had to wait 3 weeks for the bruises from her last fight with her arch-nemesis to heal.

    Her behavior and her circumstances — whatever the truth of them — all suggest someone who either isn’t interested, is unavailable, or some mix of the two. Her motivations are irrelevant. You may say that you don’t really care about her motivation per se, but you want to understand so that you can avoid this kind of thing in the future. I have a better suggestion: focus on your own motivations here.

    Why are you as concerned as you are about what her deal is? For that matter, why did you continue to try to date her, when every indication that she gave was at best ambivalent and at worst uninterested/unavailable? Why would you focus your attention on someone who is basically half-assing it with you, instead of pursuing people who are enthusiastic about wanting to get together?

    If you want to avoid a repeat of this scenario in the future, you’ll be much better positioned to do so by figuring out what was behind your choices in this case, and why you chose to pursue her once she indicated her lack of interest/availability.

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    • fuzzilla Says:

      In dating, I’m generally a fan of sussing out the other person’s motivations so I can avoid similar missteps in the future. That, or I just can’t help myself.

      But…that only really makes sense if it’s someone you’ve dated for a good bit of time, someone who’s had time to get under your skin, someone of whom it was reasonable to develop some expectations. This situation? People flake online. Expect it, move on when it happens – bing, bang, boom. Christ, you’ll never get anywhere if you analyze *everyone* to death.

      Best case scenario, the OP just hasn’t gotten his “sea legs” with online dating yet.

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  10. Jake Says:

    As I tell other people, get off of online dating sites and date in real life. Online dating is full of women who flake, lie about their age or weight and look for suckers to buy them a free meal. Even average women on online sites have lots of guys pursuing them and kissing their ass. OP, you were only one of her options–and low on the totem poll of options. Never contact this woman again and don’t waste anymore time thinking about her.

    OP, next time a women doesn’t get back to your text for weeks, you don’t respond, move on and never contact her again. In fact, I would say that if a woman doesn’t respond to your text within 3 days you should move her to the low priority list. If she still wants to go out, I would tell her you are busy and suggest another time. That lets her know your time is important and you are a busy man.

    By the way, to all guys-stop over thinking dating. You will know when a women likes you and wants to spend time with you. Recognize those signs and dump the women who don’t exhibit these signs asap.

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    • asker Says:

      You know that people use online dating because their social circles are not too conducive to meet other single people… So easy to say for you.

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      • Jake Says:

        My social circle was not great for a period. Hence, I tried the dumpster fire that is online dating. Blah. I then started attending professional organization mixers and joined a few others. Also, I was nominated by a well known charity for a gala which led to meeting other people. If you want a social circle you have to put the work in.

        Fuck online dating. I would rather be alone then deal with the dumpster trash and crazies on there.

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    • Eliza Says:

      There we go again…Jake the Generalizer, free meal, liars, bla bla bla. For the record…online dating is full of PEOPLE (both men and women) that flake, for plenty of reasons…and these very people, can meet you in IRL, and STILL flake! There are “crazies” everywhere and anywhere…it’s just about being able to read red flags and certain behaviors in order to not waste valuable time on the wrong people. That’s all. Both genders are guilty about fudging about their weight and age by decades. It’s commonplace…and people can do that in IRL as well. Not exclusive to the online platform.

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  11. Mark Says:

    Can’t really add much at this point except to say:

    “Never make someone a priority when they see you as a mere option”.

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  12. Sarah Says:

    This whole thing reeks of dinner whore to me.

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