Do Men Really Want To Date Their Equal?

 

 

hesaidshesaid

Name: Joy
:
Comment: Moxie, this is not a personal dating question but it’s a topic I’m really curious about: You’ve touched upon these topics previously, but here goes.

1) Good looks: if all else being equal, are they really the trump card in dating? What if there are two women, one with a golden heart and great personality but mediocre looks, and another who is super beautiful but vapid and mediocre in everything else? How about pedigree? I mean, would the Rothschild marry Nicky Hilton if she weren’t a Hilton?

2) You’ve also mentioned that marriages between ‘eligible bachelors’ occur due to a combination of finding the right woman and timing. Let’s face it, aside from living in Lake Como with his bros and pet pig, George Clooney also bagged an exotically gorgeous woman, except unlike her predecessors, she was arguably well-educated.

3) And, what about super handsome men who have everything going for them partnering with women who are well below them in terms of, not only looks, but who allegedly also treat them poorly? I know you’ve mentioned this in one of your previous posts stating that these men like the drama, let me bring you a real-life example: JFK Jr and his marriage to, by some accounts, the “hell on fire” Carolyn Bessette.

4) Is it indifference to people’s fame that drives these men to them? For instance: Amal Clooney turned George down and only gave him her email, Carolyn Bessette turned JFK Jr. down…etc.

Just a little bit of background about me: I grew up in a poor immigrant family and went to upscale schools because my parents thought that it would provide a good education. I was  miserable and lonely as I tried really hard to make friends but was always left out since I wasn’t cool enough–rich and/or good looking people were readily accepted, and this fact gave me a really bitter world view. There are some people who have it way more than others without even trying.

1) Good looks: if all else being equal, are they really the trump card in dating? What if there are two women, one with a golden heart and great personality but mediocre looks, and another who is super beautiful but vapid and mediocre in everything else?

 

Thoughts?

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Sometimes the love of your life is the love of your life. (R)

@ATWYSingle

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14 Responses to “Do Men Really Want To Date Their Equal?”

  1. Mark Says:

    Joy (the LW)

    You pose several hypotheticals.

    I guess you could read any number of blogs, visit any number of sites, etc and come to your own conclusion.

    Another alternative is to actually try it if you haven’t already. If you choose this course, I’m pretty sure you will form your own conclusion in short order. Reality is where the rubber hits the road.

    Best of luck in finding your own answer.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 6

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  2. Selena Says:

    People connect with others based on how the other person makes them feel. If having someone exceptionally good looking on their arm makes someone feel good about themselves, then that’s what they go for. It’s not a universal value. Same with pedigree. If someone feels good having someone of the same social/economic/ethnic background that’s what they are drawn to. Not everyone prioritizes such.

    One can never know what someone else’s relationship is truly like. The couple that seems quarrelsome in public, may have a mutually satisfying partnership behind closed doors. Couples who seemingly have incompatible personalities (eg. one is “high maintenance” while the other is “laid back”) may actually complement each other rather than compete. Behaviors that may bother you or me, may be insignificant to the person who feels good about THEIR lover most of the time.

    “Good looks: if all else being equal, are they really the trump card in dating? What if there are two women, one with a golden heart and great personality but mediocre looks, and another who is super beautiful but vapid and mediocre in everything else?”

    But you are not talking about all else being equal. you are presenting the situation as either/or. Your implied premise is that good looking people are vapid and mediocre in everything else, and mediocre looking people have great personalities and hearts of gold. Neither are true.

    What in a person makes YOU feel good Joy? A handsome face? A kind heart? A background that is similar/dissimilar to your own? Think about what kind of person would make you happy as partner. Perhaps you need to reassess your own priorities?

    Famous people seem to have just as many troubles as the non-famous. Worse in a way, because their troubles get publicized for all the world to see. Not something to envy.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 23 Thumb down 0

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  3. mxf Says:

    If all else is equal, why not opt for the good looks? But the immediate example given is when all else clearly isn’t equal, pitting looks against personality.

    These questions are trying to pin down something that just won’t be pinned down. Beauty is subjective, chemistry isn’t just about looks, and there is no mythical One Thing that makes the Clooneys settle down with the Amals. I find our obsession with analyzing what makes famous bachelors finally “get tamed” places all the motivation for their actions at the feet of women past and present, as though all the previous girlfriends failed and finally some one woman succeeds. Maybe he fell in love, maybe he needed a good lawyer, maybe he got tired of being the punchline to so many eternal bachelor jokes.

    Does being rich and good-looking make certain things easier? I would imagine yes. Does it make those people happier? I would guess no. Then I would go back to being average-looking and trying to get by financially with virtually everyone else, and stop thinking about it.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 17 Thumb down 1

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    • Parenting Says:

      That is so true! Ive known at least a handful of people say they got married not to the love of their life but rather to the person they happened to be with when they decided it was the right time to settle down.

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  4. Sarah Says:

    This is a series of unanswerable questions. People, and their motives, are complicated; e.g. in question one: “Good looks: if all else being equal–” Let me stop you right there. Attractiveness is subjective, as is your assessment of value, so there really is no such as thing as equal.

    And we’re doing this kind of navel-gazing … why, exactly? You’re not going to land a JFK Jr. or a George Clooney by deciphering their formulas. There is no formula. You’ll meet them, or you won’t, and then they’ll like you, or they won’t.

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  5. Thadeus Says:

    I would love to date a gal that made 6 figures and had an MBA!

    Sadly, they don’t exist.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 2 Thumb down 37

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    • ATWYSingle Says:

      You try so hard sometimes to be offensive and you just end up sounding stupid.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 39 Thumb down 2

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      • Nia Says:

        Yeah, it’s clear he hasn’t done the slightest bit of research here:
        Ellen Kullman, DuPont, $13.1 million
        Irene Rosenfeld, Mondelez International, $15.9 million
        Patricia Woertz, Archer Daniels Midland, $16.3 million
        Marillyn Hewson, Lockheed Martin, $17.9 million
        Virginia Rometty, IBM, $17.9 million
        Phebe Novakovic, General Dynamics, $19 million
        Indra Nooyi, PepsiCo, $19.1 million
        Margaret Whitman, Hewlett-Packard, $19.6 million
        Carol Meyrowitz, TJX Companies, $23.3 million
        Marissa Mayer, Yahoo, $42.1 million,

        …does 8 figures trump their possible lack of an MBA? Next we’ll be hearing this guy go on about how women movie stars can’t carry movies, and women comedians aren’t funny…and oh by the way, why won’t any of these bitches date him?

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  6. Booger Says:

    I’ve come across extremely good looking men with great personalities whom I just wasn’t attracted to. For me, attraction and chemistry is such a mysterious thing. I’m a straight woman who’s almost always only attracted to men, but lately there’s a woman at my gym who I am drawn to. She’s not the typical beautiful woman, but I am strangely attracted to her. I don’t know her, nor have I spoken to her, but I think I have a girl crush. I believe that attraction is something that really cannot be explained, well, in my case, that is.

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  7. Allison Says:

    Viewing the world thru an acknowledged filter of bitterness is a very difficult experience. It doesn’t make the world look good, and it doesn’t make you look good to the people looking back at you. It takes a lot of effort to avoid or overcome bitterness if it’s been able to take root in your life. When you work on it, stop feeding it, and possibly remove that lens on your life, things do change.

    I’ve hardly experienced something more potentially jading and embittering as online dating and so it’s a conscious choice everyday to work on/maintain a different perspective. If you find yourself feeling bitter, I’d suggest confronting that feeling directly, and read up on “bitterness” and it’s cousin “anger”, and their friend “resentment,” and see if there’s something you can work on in your own life.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 13 Thumb down 0

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  8. Bostonette Says:

    Looking at examples of celebrities when contemplating any reason why couples are attracted to each other is just setting ourselves up….. Be your wonderful self!

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 0

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  9. Ben Iyyar Says:

    Several decades ago I met and married the most beautiful, best educated, and sweetest woman in the world, and she came from a wealthy family as well, and she is crazy about me! I knew from the moment we met that we would be together forever. When I look at her I see the same lovely, young, shy, and modest girl I married. I think that’s how it works.

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  10. HerGuyFriday Says:

    Most men like educated and successful women. We aren’t intimated by them. But these qualities are NOT going to make up for other shortcomings. If you have a bad personality or are not physically attractive, I don’t care how much money you make and how many pHDs you have.

    Whenever I meet a woman who complains that “Men are intimated” by her, she usually has some other issue that is obvious to everyone but herself.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 15 Thumb down 0

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  11. KK Says:

    You know what my brother told me? And I am inclined to believe him because, well, he isn’t trying to make me feel bad about myself, or good about myself, or to get me to sleep with him (duh…or…ew).

    He said the reason why a man will finally settle down with a woman is because he saw how much a lack of commitment hurt a previous woman he’d loved, and so the next time he meets a woman he loves, he doesn’t want to hurt this one too.

    It really has nothing to do with HER. It has more to do with him.

    Also. Btw. Marriage has no inherent meaning. It CAN mean a commitment between two people. Or it could mean that two people are two afraid to be alone. Who the fuck cares why George finally married? Maybe he really loves her. Or maybe he wanted to stop any gay rumors. They might be happily married. Or they might be miserable.

    The LW should really stop focusing on why guys marry certain women and focus on getting into a satisfying relationship, in which both people are equally committed to each other. It is commitment that matters. Not marriage. (Well, marriage as a sign of commitment is the ideal for many people, but to think that marriage means commitment is a very bad idea).

    Also. “All things being equal”? All things are NEVER equal. But, come on, if all things are equal, wouldn’t you prefer a good-looking guy? Aside from which, different people want different things. Some guys absolutely want a hot girl above all else. Other guys would prefer someone nice,and pretty is a bonus.

    And finally, “exotic”? Just…ew.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 8 Thumb down 3

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