Are 40+ Women Dating All Wrong? – UPDATED

Someone sent me a link to this article yesterday and I thought I’d post it here for discussion.

http://nypost.com/2016/06/16/im-47-and-my-love-life-is-better-than-ever/

I have to admit that when I first read this I was all, “You go girl.” She was 47 years old and she’d left behind the fear of ending up alone and decided to just enjoy her life as is. Cool. But then I got to this part:

When I was finally rediscovered by men in my early 40s, my dates no longer felt pressured to rush into having kids. I was dating more often, matching with more men on dating sites and, later, dating apps, sometimes having a couple of dates a week.

Still, I’ve wondered why it’s not as challenging to date in my 40s as one may expect. There are, after all, so many young, beautiful, talented women in this city for men to choose from. A male friend suggested it may be because I don’t have children, and so I’m a “free bird.” Another friend mentioned my matured confidence. And when I asked a man I recently dated, he explained via text: “Because you’re fun and sexy and smart and beautiful, and maybe occasionally sad, but always hopeful.” I can only blush at the first few, confess to the next, and attest to the last: I am always hopeful.

 

 

I think this snippet explains why Melanie had such luck:

“Meeting Jon for a date might have felt pointless to some; he lives 2,500 miles away from my home in New York City. But to me, it made sense: two strangers matched via some algorithm, and heading to the same conference on the same day — I was sure that Jon and I were meant to know each other.”

Allow me to explain something: If I went out with every tourist that swiped right on my profile, every younger man looking to cross something off  a bucket list, or every guy in his late thirties just looking to casually sleep around, my dating card would be filled, too. Melanie isn’t going into detail about all of these dates she’s having because she wants readers (read: other women) to infer that she’s highly in demand.

What I didn’t like about this article was that it was written with the intention of portraying Melanie as more successful with men than other women her age. Women her age are going to read this and think, “What am I doing wrong?”

For the most part, you’re not doing anything wrong. You’re just not wasting your time with guys you know won’t stick around. To be fair, Melanie doesn’t appear to want marriage, so it’s perfectly cool that she’s dating all these men that don’t hold any promise. If she’s not bothered by, then who cares? It’s her experience that matters. “Good for you, not for me” as Amy Poehler would day.

While I haven’t had the kind of long-term relationships I yearned for in my younger days, ones that would be sealed by a rabbi, two witnesses and the State of New York — or at least a co-lease — I also never overstayed my welcome in relationships that weren’t meant to last, no matter the heartbreak. And I have no regrets. Regret is behind me, and if I’m back there, I’ll never be in the right place, at the right time, meeting the right man.

Honestly, I can’t tell what she wants. I’m speculating here, but she seems to be dating all the time wasters. How is that productive?

Which brings me back to Jon. When we kissed goodbye, it was the kind of kiss that lovers have at the beginning of their first chapter, not the end of their book. I have discovered that at midlife, men and women are often more caring, more honest, more vulnerable and more optimistic about this next side of life. We are unafraid to admit we like each other. We are unafraid of what happens if the other doesn’t reciprocate.

I don’t…understand. The gist of this seems to be that she’s a tad delusional and out of touch. However, she’s mega successful, so who the fuck am I? She’s written two books, she’s created a successful brand and I can barely finish one book without pulling my hair out. She clearly knows what she wants, I’m just not sure what she wants is aligned with reality. But then maybe it is. I DON’T KNOW. I’M TORN. I genuinely am.

 

 

ETA: I’m no longer torn. i concur that she’s a total time waster just looking for dudes to go out with so she can humblebrag about them in NY Post articles. May I present her Bumble profile. More evidence that Bumble sucks and attracts nothing but gold diggers and guys looking for arm candy.

 

melnot

Thoughts?

AndThatsWhyYoureSingle.com

Sometimes the love of your life is the love of your life. (R)

@ATWYSingle

 

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47 Responses to “Are 40+ Women Dating All Wrong? – UPDATED”

  1. DrivingMeNutes Says:

    “I’m speculating here, but she seems to be dating all the time wasters.”

    SHE is the time waster in this scenario. If you’re not having sex or forming lasting relationships or even friendships with these men. which she isn’t, then what is the value of going out on a bunch of dates? I guess so she can write articles about how awesome she is and promote her brand? At least that’s a recognizable motivation. And, if you’re not really set on marriage, children or long term relationships, then who cares if he’s sooo Jewish and sooo successful. She’s all over the place.

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    • fuzzilla Says:

      **SHE is the time waster in this scenario. If you’re not having sex**

      Wut, really? OK, I admit I didn’t read the article, but if that’s the case, then I share your confusion.

      I went through a “time waster” phase, but regular sex really was enough for a while, coming out of a sexless relationship. It was a phase, I moved past it.

      Anyway, I could understand if the author was like, “Hey, if younger men want older women for cheap, meaningless thrills, then screw it, why not?” If she’s not having sex, then it’s just…attention she wants? I guess?

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      • DrivingMeNutes Says:

        I believe she is promoting herself, her business and maybe the business of others. Note Moxie is envious of her business success not her date-getting ability. Very telling.

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    • Eliza Says:

      I agree with DMN…with ANYTHING we do – there is a “motivational purpose”. Otherwise, it’s senseless and time-wasting. Even, if dating people that are unsuitable for the sake of not being alone, and just having company. That alone, is a motivating factor. Just to fill a void. I can’t see going through all the steps of dating (which entails getting ready–putting energy, focus, time and some money, that is) – to meet people you will not even stay connected to as friends, just for the sake of taking up one’s time? Unless a person has tons of time on their hands without nothing else to focus on.

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      • RedNeckGeekGurl Says:

        Anything one does should have a motivational purpose? OK … What about just looking at a sunset? Or just meeting a new person and learning something about/from them? Not everything is for an end purpose … But you do not know if it is … Until it is or is not….

        I also do not consider a date as an intense prep activity … But I enjoy making an appearance effort. No offense but sweats and trainers are for the gym in my opinion. Even though the 2 best dates (with different guys) came on days when I was not at usual level – one was after a long day of changing out equipment and the AT&T tech who came at 4:30 asked me out after talking while he worked …. a coworker who saw me zooming to get tech working laughed at how dirty I looked…. Guess he went for grungy IT chicks … Did not work out – was long distance – but enjoyed our dates … And he was hot in my demographic (as I was in his). So you never know ….

        Guess it depends on individual ideas of motivational purpose ….

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        • Eliza Says:

          Sheer enjoy of the moment alone is a motivator. To see a sunset, and to take in that view. Nobody stated anything about getting ready for a date to be “intense” in any way–but it does require one to go out of their way a bit, and put their best foot forward…unless it’s completely unplanned and you are caught off guard, and are not prepared at all, and just go with the flow.

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    • Timothy Horrigan Says:

      She might be having sex with at least some of those guys. She doesn’t say she isn’t.

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      • DrivingMeNutes Says:

        Well, when the date that ended in a “good night” kiss gets detailed in the pages of the New York Post, as here, you can safely assume that’s about as exciting as it gets. Besides, if she was fucking three different guys a week, there’d probably be a different headline.

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    • Jesse Says:

      Not so hard to understand. She gets to go out, escorted rather than alone, and have a life she otherwise wouldn’t experience if she had to get up and go out by herself. It’s all a thrill, and undoubtably, the men pay for most of these dates, so that’s a thrill for her too. A different man most every date means a whole new story to hear, a whole new restaurant or club to see and be seen in, a whole new person with interests and ideas both foreign and exciting. And yes, after a year or so she’ll tire of it all, but mean time, she’s having a ball.

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  2. RedNeckGeekGurl Says:

    Agree that she is obviously promoting her brand … Gurl has to make a living after all.

    But she does have points on not over analyzing WHERE the date is going and being ‘in the moment’. That’s bad how? Do we worry and analyze every word or action of others in other aspects of our life as much as in dating? Seriously – after following ATW for a long time now – it is obvious that many do! Even on the dates that were ‘hour of life I won’t get back’ – I know I learned something ….

    And as a woman of certain age – I also tind that dating is better this time around…. Do I get tons of options? No – but I have a very few good options … Beats a crowd of chaff! Where will it go? For me – the journey is as important as the destination – what else do you have but now anyhow? The only question I answer is ‘is it working for me today?’

    Of course – We are all looking for different things and that’s fine. YMMV …. Just stop analyzing every word or detail and BE ….. Otherwise how will you recognize a good thing? Don’t ignore an asshole behavior – leave! But most people fall somewhere in the middle curve.

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    • DrivingMeNutes Says:

      “But she does have points on not over analyzing WHERE the date is going and being ‘in the moment’.”

      Shes not dating to find a romantic partner – she’s essentially networking for her business. She is definitely “analyzing” just not about making an actual romantic connection with another human being. This is the equivalent of a guy going on dates “just to get laid.” I doubt her random date last Tuesday walked away nearly as satisfied with the experience as she was. Which is totally fine. She should do what’s in her own interest, just as we all do. I just don’t entirely understand what she gets out of it.

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    • Selena Says:

      When I was in my 30’s I came across a tongue-in-cheek observation: “The point of dating is to find someone so you will never have to date again!”

      I related to this at the time. I’d had enough dates that went nowhere, enough experiences of getting excited about someone who was only short-term casually interested in me, and a couple partnerships that broke up after a few years instead of lasting a lifetime. Dating for the purpose of finding someone special felt like an unpleasant chore.

      In the last decade I’ve been reading dating/relationship forums I’ve seen a number of sources promoting a different philosophy: to approach dating as being open to possibilities without attachment to outcome. Presumably doing this results in less anxiety and disappointment, and a more positive attitude about the process.

      My take on the article was that the author had been following such a philosophy. She has enjoyed dating in her 40’s more than previous decades because she started to view it as meeting interesting people rather than husband hunting. And who knows, she might just end up with a husband by looking at it that way.

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  3. BRM Says:

    I agree with Moxie’s prospective. As an older gentlemen (I’m 51, and look OK for my age) it’s the same thing in reverse. I get a fair number of dates, but rarely connect with truly compatible people. I could have had a number of hook-ups if I wanted them (and wasted both my time and the women’s), but at my age I am looking for more of a companion to go through life with as opposed to quick sex which is in my opinion is very empty in the end if there’s no connection and caring behind it. If as a guy I just want to get off there’s always porn.

    So from a male prospective it’s the same, and these days I don’t just think it’s an age thing, but a human one. Everyone hopes in the new click/swipe world they can hit a button and find sustainable happiness, but the truth is it’s really hard to find someone to date who you truly connect with on all levels, whom you are good for and they create value in your life too (at any age). It just doesn’t happen too often life. I know many friends, some married who use casual sex as a way to fill their own emptiness. The truth is only we can fill our own emptiness and it’s a spiritual journey that requires constant internal reflection/meditation and patience.

    I think in regards to true writers, they write for themselves, it’s therapy and whether it’s published or not the real value is if it helps you find the enlightenment within us which we all have, then it’s successful writing. There’s a lot of BS and self-promotion these days which really has zero value in the end.

    I think in regards to romance and love it’s the ultimate union of Ying/Yang (TAO) which I am attracted to, but ultimately it’s all a road which leads back to myself.

    I think if we’re taking the next right step on our journeys that’s all that will matter when the end of this road in life leads to the bridge of what comes next.

    In regards to romantic struggles I really identify with this post a lot.

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  4. coffeestop Says:

    I think you are only dating “the wrong way” at 40 plus is you are consistently doing things that make you unhappy or find yourself stuck in patterns. We all write back stories to justify our choices mostly because we are human the woman in the NY Post article wants everybody to buy her IDGF empowering attitude because she wants to be validated on some level. I have had a frustrating year in dating or at least I was frustrated until I sat back and thought about all of the things I learned about myself, what my vulnerabilities actually are, where I can compromise, what makes me really uncomfortable, what I really value. Of course you are supposed to know that ahead of time and I thought I did but a few things surprised me.

    I am not one of those IDGF people in fact I think one of my biggest struggles has been avoiding really pondering the big question: can I really make peace with being single on a fundamental level. I don’t mean binging on Netflix and side stepping socializing to hide the pain and saying I give up on everything but accepting being single might just be my life and just forging ahead anyway because I am not quite sure I am there yet. I want to meet a partner who is right for me and it just might not happen so what I am working on is more finding ways to appreciate small joys with every relationship not just romantic ones.

    I was horribly embarrassed this week when I was out with friends and the BF of one of the other women blatantly flirted with me in front of his partner. She went along with the “joke” ( he serenaded me with a stupid song) but I could see it hurt her. I just wanted to hug her and say,” honey you seem nice and you’re very attractive, you deserve so much more than this bozo” and it bothered me that this woman would be willing to tolerate that from a man she was supposed to be dating. It is like everybody assumes when you are a woman of a certain age you have to be willing to tolerate massive bullshit to “keep” your man and be willing to be disrespected. He was a good looking guy to and apparently I was supposed to be flattered by the attention, I don’t know. I made an excuse to leave a bit early, the whole thing made me feel bad and I was weirdly angry at him for putting me there.

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    • fuzzilla Says:

      Ugh, that dude sounds like a huge attention whore.

      **It is like everybody assumes when you are a woman of a certain age you have to be willing to tolerate massive bullshit to “keep” your man and be willing to be disrespected.**

      I remember bringing a guy I was dating to a party. He was chatting with a woman there (a friend of mine) and they kept talking about all the weirdos you meet on OKCupid and he asked her what her OKCupid name was. I get that that’s a basis for a conversation, but it’s like – WTF dude, you’re giving off the impression that you’re single. Right in front of me. I called him on it. “Why are you looking her up on OKCupid if we’re dating?” He went all aggro on me about how insecure I was (“but I go on OKCupid to make friends!” Riiiiight. You could fucking look her up on Facebook then). Then he kept trailing that woman around the party because clearly her feelings were more important to him than mine. She kept avoiding him because he was angry and weird and made her uncomfortable (to be clear, I was not not mad at her at all).

      This was The Worst Guy I Ever Dated. He was also one of those guys who was like, “No, no, really, I’m SO into you…even though I don’t listen to or care about or remember literally anything you say.” He was my turning point where I was like, “Being single is the motherfucking BOMB compared to this, the equivalent of smearing yourself with shit and calling that company.” At least it was only a month and a half before I got the hell out.

      Anyway. Sure, it’s disingenuous to get too rah-rah about how happy you are being single, but it truly is WORLDS better than being with someone awful just to say you’re dating.

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      • fuzzilla Says:

        (We broke up pretty much immediately after that party. And I genuinely was not mad at this friend – not her fault he acted like a dick, she wasn’t flirtatious or inappropriate. “Not not mad” was a typo).

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      • coffeestop Says:

        Who are these fucking people that go on dating sites to “make friends” as much as Moxie is steamed at Meet up, you go there to make friends. Sorry that guy was such an asshole to you. At least he showed you early, they usually do. I had a man I was seeing recently tell that I “talked too much” and was also “too aloof”. So, I thought hey maybe I am hogging the conversation so I will just sit back and let him roll. So, I did and he trashed the place I work at linking it to a stupid conspiracy, told me I should do more outside exercise instead of wasting my time at the gym, made some racist comments, and just filled the air with his bullshit until I was turned off. I learned a good lesson, maybe I DO talk too much and if I listened more in dating I might notice things quicker.

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        • fuzzilla Says:

          I could see meeting someone from OKCupid and winding up as friends. But not intentionally going there *looking* for friends.

          If you’re completely single then do whatever the hell you want, I guess, but if you’re supposedly “so into” the person you’re dating, looking to lock down a commitment from them, then their feelings about your presence on OKCupid should matter to you. Yeesh.

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          • fuzzilla Says:

            **if you’re supposedly “so into” the person you’re dating, looking to lock down a commitment from them, then their feelings about your presence on OKCupid should matter to you.**

            That’s historically been kind of a “thing” of mine, when someone’s words and actions don’t match. Sure, it’s a “thing” for anybody, because it’s a shitty thing that no one enjoys. But while part of me would see through it, another part would mistrust my judgment. “Oh, but I have trust issues and I’m just ALWAYS looking for the negative, so I should give it a chance…” I’m much better at just listening to my gut nowadays.

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            • mxf Says:

              I used to have that worry, where I’d talk myself out of a gut instinct. I called it “morning stomach” – after a promising date or series of dates, sometimes I’d wake up in the wee hours of the morning with a distinct feeling of unease that something was off. Then I’d talk myself out of it completely, and make it about my paranoia or fear of getting hurt. But I’ve learned that morning stomach is rarely wrong, whether it’s about a relationship or a work decision or some other thing going on in my life. There’s usually some truth I’d rather not face, and that feeling steps in to force me to sit with the reality instead of coasting on the hope. I still have moments fueled by my own baggage, but I give morning stomach a healthy dose of consideration now.

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              • MsAdvised Says:

                OMG, I couldn’t agree with this one more. It’s so true. On a few occasions, after dates like this (things were promising, but something just seemed off), I would actually make a note of it. Not just a mental note – an actual note. Even if I couldn’t describe exactly what the issue was, writing it down just forced me to pay attention later on. Plus, I’ve had situations where months later – long after I ghosted or was ghosted, I found great humor and solace in the notes that would resurface from the bottom of handbags — notes scribbled hastily on the back of CVS receipts that would say things like “Date #2. Told me that his ex girlfriend preferred to sleep on top of him. Didn’t need that visual. WTF?”

                No, those vague unsettling feelings early on are rarely wrong.

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              • fuzzilla Says:

                **There’s usually some truth I’d rather not face, and that feeling steps in to force me to sit with the reality instead of coasting on the hope.**

                Yup. For me I didn’t want to face how ashamed I was of being single (at that time). I felt obligated to at least try, and to let people know I was trying. Kinda like how if you don’t have a job people are constantly bugging you about it and you get defensive and feel obligated to throw out little nuggets of hope (“I had a great interview!” or “freelancing is really picking up!”) rather than just telling them to buzz off with the nosy personal questions. But you need a job to live, you don’t *need* a relationship (though yes, wanting one is fine).

                At the time, I was like, “I’m ashamed of being single? Really? MORE than I’m ashamed of this assclown? And that’s the only reason I’m putting up with said assclown? Wow, my priorities got WAY fucked up somewhere along the line…”

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        • Eliza Says:

          Coffeestop–I am with you completely…sometimes, I just sit back and let them hang themselves…give them enough rope, you know? Because unfortunately, the “art of conversation” is not mastered by many. Going on and on about dating horror stories or talking about OKC or Match is NOT conversation…definitely NOT a decent topic to go into upon initially meeting someone. There are a endless things to touch upon – travel, pets, family, hobbies. Now, if someone is not well read, doesn’t travel at all, doesn’t know about music…well, then they are at a loss, and that pretty much sums up who they are and how they live. So they have nothing to add but to gripe about this or that or poke fun at others, or be negative about the other person’s lifestyle. They are basically EMPTY. Nothing worthwhile to add to a conversation. Aside from their negative dating experiences. Dead end.

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        • Nia Says:

          I think the people who say they’re on OKC to “make friends” are at best, fooling themselves, and at worst completely disingenuous liars.
          No one under the age of 50 is confused as to how a dating site works or which social media/dating/meeting sites are which. They’re likely saying that to either cover up trolling for women (like in Fuzilla’s case) or it’s, in their mind, a polite way of saying they’re using it like CL Casual Encounters–to find casual partners for one nighters or possibly friends-with-benefits.
          I think those guys (and maybe some gals, I don’t routinely browse the ladies’ profiles, so this may be an across the board issue) feel like if they “say upfront” that they’re looking for new friends or friends only, it’s like some legal disclaimer that’s going to notify women that they only want to hit it and quit it. Okay guys, we get it. Death before commitment.

          When a guy’s profile says some nonsense about how he’s looking to meet new people or make new friends I immediately pass him by because he’s one of three things:
          A disingenuous liar
          A dim bulb who can’t see how that reads to discerning women
          A shark looking for chum

          None of those are good.

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          • fuzzilla Says:

            Yeah, if that dude truly meant no harm, he wouldn’t have bit my head off. He was just pissed he got called on it, then tried to gaslight me that I was wrong.

            And yeah, guys advertising for “friends” on OKC are only ever looking for female friends. I mean, do what you want, but yeah, I give side eye.

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          • Dalia May Says:

            I immediately ignore, dismiss and block any man in my inbox introducing himself as a someone seeking “a good friend.” I am 41-years-old and never married. Beyond that I have not been in a relationship for over 10 years, so it is not my desire to enter into any sort of casual friendship with a man that, I am sure, expects no strings attached sex included in said “friendship.”

            I seek commitment. I seek emotional depth. I seek marriage. I make that very clear. You should see the men who ask me “So, what are you looking for on here?” go *POOF* as soon as I write the above. One man asked “What are you looking for on here for now?” For now??? As in, “For right now, I’m hoping you’d want to have casual sex with me?”

            I see what you’re inferring hon and I want no part of it, thank you very much.

            The biggest issue I’ve always had with online dating is that a good percentage of men use it to look for sex. They’re not even laissez fair in their communication about it anymore. Just today I received a message from a man “visiting my area” and that will be “staying in a hotel” and “seeking good times and to make a good friend” and “friend with benefits he can enjoy sexual pleasures.” Nowadays, they just straight up tell you “I want to bone you, not date you” and it’s been difficult for me to navigate as a nearly 11-year single woman seeking an emotional connection. Every date and connection I’ve made in online dating, except one, has been with men seeking only sex and “good friendship.”

            I nip things quickly and permanently in the bud with any man using the f-word in conversation with me. They’re emotionally avoidant men postponing and fearful of commitment. Doesn’t make for a lot of dating in my world, but it keeps me away from men that this woman seems so quizzically enjoy.

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            • Selena Says:

              I’m curious Dalia May, you are very clear cut about how you do online dating, but do you try to meet men offline? Do you take the same tact with men you meet in any social situation?

              I haven’t done online dating. I have met a number of “Mr. Casual’s” offline over the years. I have the idea it might be easier to spot and dismiss the casual fellows on a dating site, but if one perceives that dating websites are all about casual encounters (for men) … doesn’t it make some sense to stop looking for a husband there?

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              • Dalia May Says:

                Selena, I don’t really meet men offline. Maybe one or two a year. And, those tend to be vastly incompatible for one reason or another (alcholic, raging homophobic/transphobic, “I love you” after a second date and send 40 heartbroken texts after I no longer have interest types).

                This, sadly, is my offline dating life.

                Otherwise, the men I meet online are attracted to my body type and only communicate their interest in no strings attached, casual and immediate sex.

                If I met a man offline who seemed to have a genuine interest in getting to know my personality, seemed emotionally and mentally stable and healthy and sought committment and companionship, not immediate committment-less casual sex, I’d definitely give him time and opportunity to get to know me.

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              • Dalia May Says:

                Sorry.. “Otherwise, the men I meet offline…”

                So, both offline and online I seem to only meet men interested in my body shape and seeking sex. If they aren’t, there is very worrisome or incompatible behavior that shows itself very early

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              • Dalia May Says:

                I’m going to be verbose and add another response because I don’t think, when it comes down to it, this woman is doing anything wrong. Heck, she may be doing the whole dating thing right. Another dating blogger and coach I won’t name here says that “Men look for sex and find love. Women look for love and find sex.”

                I mean, we women know men want sex. And, if they can have it immediately after meeting a woman, they’ll take it. I’m not confused on that part.

                And, if I were the type of woman who could date men and have lots of casual sex with the men I’m dating, I would. At some point, one of those men I am dating and sexing would say, “Hey. I think I’m really into you. You want to be exclusive? Or, heck, be boyfriend and girlfriend?”

                Except, it doesn’t work that way a majority of the time. Most times, if you enter into something casual and sex it stays casual and sex… for years until one of the two is tired of their emotional needs being unmet and ends it. Or, a man sleeps with you and proceeds never to contact you again (or once every couple of months to connect and have sex again) and you end up in a similar pattern with similar men. It’s a rotating casual sex fest with men you really only see once a month or every other month, which isn’t enough to explore true compatibility and create an emotional connection.

                If what this woman was doing was easy, I’d do it. I’d have more of an active dating life and would meet more men. But, the sad truth is all of this type of dating men expect sex. And, even as sexually progressive a woman as I am, I just can’t be sexing up every seeking a casual friend with benefits” man I meet and go out with.

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  5. Selena Says:

    From the article:

    “In my 20s and 30s, I would have glossed over the moment I met Jon. I would have been focused on whether I was wasting my time or what meeting him meant for my future: Would I have to move out West? How would we live? Is he “The One”?

    But at 47, I have dated more meaningfully, more happily, and more satisfyingly in this decade than I ever did in my 20s or my early 30s. Back then, my girlfriends and I would analyze our dates for what they meant for the future. Each date was simply a clue as to what could come next. ”

    I don’t know what this woman’s business or *brand* is – never heard of her before reading the link in this blog – but I might get where she is coming from. Dating in one’s 20’s and 30’s has much to do with finding someone to reproduce with. The 40+ years usually have more to do with finding someone to enjoy and trust without reproduction as a major factor, or a factor at all.

    Takes some pressure off, though I don’t know if it makes people more or less “picky”. I think that might depend on personality at any age.

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  6. BTownGirl Says:

    I was right there with her until she started talking like this dude who lives thousands of miles from her was a legit possibility. That’s when I was like, “Girl…GIRL.” If she really means it (which, if she said it for the purposes of making the article entertaining, is shifty for someone in her profession), I’d still look askance at her if she was 25. What is she trying to say? I honestly don’t have a clue.

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    • KK Says:

      Nah. It is not that strange. If her job is very mobile or his job is, then if they really like each other one of them can move. I know one person who went to Italy on vacation and 4 months later the guy she had met ther moved to NY so they could be together. I know a bunch of marriages that started off with it being super long distance. It is hard AF but doable.

      It is way more feasible when it becomes LDR after it is a local rlelationship.

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  7. Nicki Says:

    It’s really easy to date and not get frustrated when you really don’t care what comes out of it, which this woman obviously doesn’t. Dating only becomes a frustration when you want A and the people you meet don’t fit the criteria or are looking for B, C, and D. Is she doing anything wrong? No. Is she doing it in a way that’d work for someone looking for a long-term relationship in real life? Nope.

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    • Eliza Says:

      Nicki–very well said. When you don’t care, the end result is of no consequence. But plenty of women try to give off that I could care less vibe–when clearly, they do care. Why pretend? Nothing wrong with knowing what you want, and dating with a purpose. Time is valuable…to me at least. I don’t want to waste my time or anyone else’s just for the sake of sitting across from a face.

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  8. bbdawg Says:

    Agreeing with everyone…I remember reading an article on The Guardian about this woman who was in her 60s and discovered “herself” or relationships with younger men and it was framed as if it were some sort of groundbreaking 1970s experiment. In reality she just hooked up with dudes who showed up for sex and had the “older woman” fantasy. It was “bye” or polite chatter and bye after that. Wow what an accomplishment.

    It’s ironic that it’s generally men who value sexual variety and sex detached from emotional intimacy, but I think of all the “kinky” and not kinky sex that is offered to us online – that is so common that is actually laughable and mundane. Like so boring.

    Oh and about the mention of “living in the moment” dating thing: I spent the summer in NYC before moving back: I did that when I first joined online dating in 2013, when OkCupid was still pretty decent and I got lots of messages. It is NOT a great way to meet men if you’re looking for relationships. I had summer fling with this guy who told me, that not only had he “recently” broken up with his live-in GF, and when I asked when that happened he said she had literally moved out like THE DAY BEFORE. Hmmm…ok…if I had met this person today I would have bailed soon after the first drink.

    The reality is, if you are looking for something more substantial you do have to be more picky. Unless you have all the time in the world to have “interesting experiences” that lead nowhere…sure you can write lots of articles about your “interesting life”.

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  9. BRM Says:

    I think like moxie said we just have to happy alone. For those of us looking for more then a hookup, there’s the possibility it will never come – that’s destiny for some. Plus as has been said for those who have empty sex it’s just s place holder for working on yourself. And, any relationship can end at any time for any reason too.

    With said I try to stay classy and stay hopeful while keeping it real.

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  10. Bravolebrity Says:

    Your insights are not wrong, ATWYS and I was curious if this would make your radar. Friends know her and we’ve met casually on several occasions. Let’s just say good on anyone who can get people to buy what they’re selling. Personally, I find her books (and brand) cloying, defensive, and sorry to say, whiny.

    The Savvy Auntie thing was legit. But when she veered off into Otherhood, it became clear this woman has issues. For one, she was having a multi-year textual (not a typo) relationship with some guy that supposedly was her soul mate. They would speak on the phone and text, but somehow he brainwashed her into accepting the fact he could never see her in person. Supposedly he was a friend and even lived in her hood. There wasn’t enough wine in the bar for me to sit through more than that … check, please. Btw, this was well before Tinder and the current rash of dating apps. Then there were murmurings of a television show that never seems to have materialized and other pie in the sky projects.

    I’ll stop short of saying she’s a fraud, but at best, she’s a master of self-promotion. You can read plenty of her essays on HuffPo and other sites. They have always left me cringing and while she attracts a lot of single fangirls, her narrative is troublesome on many levels. Maybe getting public validation is a form of therapy for her, and you certainly can’t argue that she’s found a way to monetize being single. But personally, many in her circle find her incredibly disturbing. And frankly, if any guy who meets or dates her Googles her, I can’t imagine any of what she has put out there would be selling points.

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    • ATWYSingle Says:

      I now have to buy and read this book. FOR RESEARCH, OKAY?

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      • Claire Says:

        I’ve also read Otherhood, and yes, she is a bit on the whiney side, I remember thinking “Moxie would have a field day with her…”. Mostly though, I think she fell through the cracks early on. She wanted to marry an Orthodox Jew in her 20’s- that’s the main reason for her “pickyness”. She seems to have let go of the Orthodox Jew dream now.

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        • ATWYSingle Says:

          I read Otherhood over the weekend. Personally, I don’t buy her reasoning for not just going out and having a baby on her own. She had the means. I know she says that she wanted to wait to do it all with the right partner, but I think that’s just an excuse. I don’t even really buy that she ever longed for children. I think she longed for a certain life, one with the Mr. Big husband and the great apartment and the two kids. Women who really, really want children find a way to do it, even if it means being a single parent.

          Her friends are all FABULOUS and uber-successful and sassy and think they’ve got certain guys by the balls but don’t, and they all chase men that have no intentions of dating them seriously and tell them so but they stick it out anyway.

          There are a bunch of men in the book who constantly tell her how fabulous she is and what a catch she is and how maybe men don’t feel they she needs them. These men are all conveniently taken lest anyone wonder why these imaginary guys aren’t with her. She barely talks about her love life in the book.

          Throughout the book she’s at high profile networking events and parties and trendy bars and brasseries. There’s very little mention of her love life. She was and is too caught up in the scene and too obsessed with promoting herself.

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          • BTownGirl Says:

            That is 200% true! I love children, but I’ve never wanted it badly enough to do it on my own. I know another woman my ago who did the sperm bank and the whole shebang – that’s what you do when you can and want it badly enough. What’s so bad about saying, “I want a child, but I don’t want to be a single parent.”?

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          • Maria Says:

            Otherhood was pure drivel. I have never been so angry about spending money on a book and I also want the time I spent reading (half of it… Could not finish this garbage) back. She’s a Sex and the city fantasist with the maturity of a tween. I don’t understand how she still has a platform when all she does is delusional self promotion. Her “introspection” is so contrived. Ugh.

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  11. Selena Says:

    Can’t refrain…did YOU date her?

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  12. Dan Says:

    Take a look at her LinkedIn profile. It’s written like she’s a Superstar. When I see stuff like that, I know that the person is trying too hard to put on a persona. Failings are always hiding underneath.

    Thanks for the Bumble photo too. The look is standard for this type of woman. The look is beauty-makeover, staged to look like she’s having a good time, and dressed fashionable. But there is a hint in her choice of dress that reveals she can’t let go of certain conservative conventions. Maybe I read too much into this, but my instincts usually turn our correct when I date such women.

    And I have dated women sort of like this: the “I am so successful” “I am so positive” “This is the way life should be” type. They do turn out to be a waste of time, because things never go anywhere. They are too stuck on themselves. When I was younger, I kept women like this in my “rotation” hoping that at least I could get some sex out of it. It happened only once, and while getting laid is always good, it was way too much effort.

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  13. BRM Says:

    I’m going to pile on with the “Bumble” sucks group; actually dating in general for older single people falls into the same category. That’s why I find the OP’s NY Post article (boy has that newspaper become a rag), and her profiles so laughable. Most people are in my estimation half of what they claim to be – literally. I’m starting to feel I’m actually one of the few people who lists my actually age online and puts up pictures which actually look like me in person. One date told me I didn’t look 51 one, I try to actually represent what you’ll get when you show up for the drink date (no coffee please – Mox is right they suck with a stranger)

    The reason I love Moxie’s blog is so value creating to read is because she tells it like it is for her, no bullshit, that’s why I identify with most of her posts.

    Some days I wish we could rewind to the early 2000’s when I was younger and on-line dating was awesome – I met some great girlfriends through Craigslist – yes freaking CL before it became what it is today. A dangerous sh&tpool.

    I predict the deplorable ghosting society we live in will start bleeding over into other areas. Marriage’s will end when one partner goes on a “business” trip and just never comes home (and ghosts their partner of 10 years) – heck it’s already happening. People come home to announce they’ve fallen in love with their secretary and are moving out. Gross stuff like this seems commonplace these days, everywhere. It makes one want to drink a few extra cocktails for sure.

    So as society degenerates the poor behavior bleeds into everything – even those who are in supposed happy committed relationships probably are not safe. YES it can happen to you too.

    I love people and the internet, but I think we’ve become somewhat of a phony/vain society and this doesn’t bode well for our future or romantic relationships. I’m try to be optimistic about the crumbling world we live in, but when people start saying how wonderful life and dating is at 47, I just have to laugh and sigh at the same time.

    It also becomes harder to keep you chin up when 60 is knocking at your day.

    Any If you want us to sign a petition or something mox regarding how meetup sucks for singles, I’m on board or what ever helps your business.

    Cheers

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