What’s Wrong With Banging 22 Year Olds From Tinder?

 

 

 

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Name: Roberta
:
Question: Hi Moxie,
I am in my 40’s, and have been married for 12 years. I have a question that is more about friendship. About a year ago, a woman transferred into my department. She is very beautiful – she is 39 but looks not a day over 30, and seemed very delightful. Over the past year, we have struck up a casual friendship. She confided in me about her issues with friendships – frequent job changes have made it very difficult for her to maintain long term friends. I was/am very sympathetic. In the past few months, we have been hanging out out of work as well.

Today, we grabbed lunch in the city. She started talking about her dating life in NYC, which mostly involved meeting new people on apps. She told me that women often get jealous of her because of the attention that she gets from men, particularly younger men. I said something to the effect of, “you are so pretty, I am sure the 28 year olds are after you!.”
She then said, “oh not 28! Younger.”

She whips out her phone and started showing me her exchanges in an app. She brought up profiles/photos of young men she has been talking to. They were 20, 22, and one was 19. The boys looked a few more years older than my son. She told that that she has met up and had intimate relationships with many. “People shouldn’t judge because of age. Some of these boys are very smart.” She then told me about how she has learned so much about foreign countries like France and Brazil from meeting these boys (several of them are foreign).

I went home, and honestly, I am a little speechless. I see her at work every day, and prior to this conversation, our friendship was growing at a rapid pace. am I being judgmental about this whole thing? am I just out of tune with the current dating scene? Your thoughts – should I pursue this friendship when I feel icky after this conversation?
Age: 42

 

Thoughts?

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@ATWYSingle

 

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29 Responses to “What’s Wrong With Banging 22 Year Olds From Tinder?”

  1. fuzzilla Says:

    Yes, she’s being judgy. It’s her friend’s life, her rules, she’s not hurting anyone. To be honest I’d feel a little judgy in the OP’s shoes if the friend thought these situations had long term potential (though it doesn’t seem so). And it seems a little odd to bust out her phone and brag about her conquests. But overall a “not my circus, not my monkeys” thing.

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  2. Nick Says:

    Yeah, newsflash, cougars are a thing. Welcome to 2007.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 15 Thumb down 0

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  3. Dark Sarcasm Says:

    “Dear Moxie:

    This new co-worker is having consensual sex with 20 year olds, even though she, like us, is in her forties. Please print this letter and judge her harshly for this, so my deep down jealousness can be warranted.

    Thanks! “

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  4. bbdawg Says:

    When I first read the letter I assumed the writer was a man. What it read like to me was, “married man, has crush on ‘very beautiful’ co-worker that he is getting closer to day by day, and is upset because the woman has an active sex life”.

    I went back and read it again and realized…it was a WOMAN who wrote the letter…

    OP, it honestly sounds like you have a serious crush on this person. You mentioned her looks several times and when she tells you she sleeps with young dudes from Tinder, you write to a dating site (!!!) to complain about it?!!!!

    If I were in your position and had a co-worker I was becoming friends with I most likely would not mention her looks because it either would not matter or if it bothered me I would not be friends with her.

    The fact that you appear to be *FASCINATED* by her and her sex life tells me…you are attracted to her. If someone I know at work showed me pics of who they were sleeping with I would…have forgotten about it 10 mins later. Like literally. I would NEVER EVER write to a dating advice website to ask about some co-worker’s sex life.

    It’s a little bit like people who are vocally anti-gay. Why do you care what kind of sex people have with each other? if you think about it SO much and if it bothers you SO much then you must enjoy thinking about it in a way or another.

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    • BTownGirl Says:

      Agreed and this is giving me Stage 10 Concern Troll. The coworker/almost-close-friend isn’t her hurting herself or anyone else, so why go to the trouble? It’s two consenting adults. Honestly, some married women live to concern troll.

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    • Hailey Says:

      I couldn’t get past the sentence: “Our friendship is growing at a rapid pace.”

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 8 Thumb down 1

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    • booger Says:

      Oh, I so agree. Initially, I thought the OP was a man with a crush on the beautiful coworker. You’re right, as a woman, if I was in the same situation as the OP, I wouldn’t even think twice about the coworker getting it on with these guys nor anything else she does with her love life. The OP is either very fascinated with this woman in a non-sexual way, like wishing she could live that life, or she has a major crush.

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  5. HerGuyFriday Says:

    Not wrong to bang people in their early 20’s.

    But it is pretty dumb to show your Tinder chats to a co-worker.

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    • Yvonne Says:

      She’s bragging. She may not know that attractive older women are hit on by younger guys for casual dating all the time.

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    • Yvonne Says:

      But they’re not just boy toys, they’re actually smart!

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  6. Parenting Says:

    The OP did say he was married, no? Why do I get an icky feeling about him?

    Usually there is either a maturity, control or commitment issue with middle aged adults who pursue the barely legals but as long as its just hookups and everyone knows what it is, who cares?! Next.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 1

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  7. jaclyn Says:

    Nope, I don’t think you should pursue a friendship with her. You judge her, and no one needs a frenemy who secretly judges them and doesn’t want to see good things happen for them.

    Also, as HerGuyFriday noted, she needs to keep her cougar relationships out of the workplace, and away from her colleagues and supervisors. The fact that she’s bragging about them makes me think she might be unstable. She clearly doesn’t realize that these young men are just looking for easy sex, and while that’s fine to pursue if it makes her happy, there is nothing bragworthy about the fact that a bunch of young guys are sleeping with her.

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  8. Selena Says:

    I think the fact the OP has a son is contributing to the icky feeling she is getting about her co-worker sharing her conquests. If they became friends, might she seduce her kid? Bleh.

    Nothing wrong with keeping her as a friendly co-worker rather than a bestie.

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  9. Jesse Says:

    First thought was that this was a set-up to expose a hypocracy ….. that the OP would come back and say ” No, in reality it is a 40 year old man using tinder to bang 22 year old girls. I just wanted to see your comments first from the opposite POV”

    Attidude being it is morally apprehensible for an old guy to take advantage of young girls but old women get a pass, if not encouragement for taking advantage of young men.

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  10. ATWYSingle Says:

    I mean, I can’t say I’d want to be friends with a man or a woman who brags about sleeping with people 15-20 years their junior. I get skeeved when I hear male friends talk about it. It’s one thing to do it, it’s another to be so proud of it.

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    • fuzzilla Says:

      Yeah, even if the conquests were roughly the same age, it’s kind of a juvenile thing to do. Presenting your Tinder conquests like a cat with a dead bird.

      Maybe it’s understandable to go through a “kid in a candy store” phase in certain circumstances (like you’re just out of a sexless relationship and you’re dyyyyying to have regular sex again). But still, I’d choose very select and trusted people to share that kinda thing with (if at all). The friend couldn’t have been paying much attention to the OP’s response if the OP is skeeved out. Also the friend said “women are so jealous of me because…” which seems red flaggy.

      Yeah, I dunno, grownups generally don’t brag about the sex they’re having like they discovered a new planet. It’s just a normal part of life. Maybe I’d cut some slack if they’re talking about a brand new partner they’re excited about, it’s the end of a dry spell, or they’re going through some kind of phase.

      OP can tell this lady, “I’m not really comfortable discussing such personal things” or something like that. Whether she decides to be friends or not, she needs to be cordial with a co-worker.

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    • Bill Says:

      Mox, had this been a man, the youngest age, 19, would have went in the title. 19 implies high school, 22 implies college.

      You pulled your punch in the title.

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  11. asker Says:

    If you don’t like her lifestyle, just don’t hang out with her. Be civilized, though.

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  12. Dave Says:

    The solution is simple based on the original post and the responses here: OP, tell your friend that you want to try a 3 way with her and the young men. Bam! Problem solved. :)

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  13. Roberta Says:

    This is the OP here. I have a son who is 16, and a daughter who is 10. Perhaps my immediate judgement of my co-worker’s comments come from the protective views of a mother. The boys she describes could be my son’s friends in high school.
    I also think just because a boy says he is 21 on tinder, it doesn’t mean he is actually 21. I have no doubt there are teenage boys who would go online pretending they are older/of legal age.
    Morals may have changed since I was dating/single. It seems everyone here (but for a few exceptions) do not think there is any moral/ethical issues with a full grown adult and someone who is a teenager (a 19 year old is a big kid to me still.) that is very helpful perspectiv. So thank you.

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    • ? Says:

      Hi Roberta. Totally get where you are coming from. Got a son too who is coming of age. I think the point you are making is that women are now fucking like men – treating their sex partners as walking sex toys instead of someone they can really relate to at an adult level.Generally women have no desire to have sex with young boys, as women tend to have a motherly and protective instinct towards younger and vulnerable people, rather than a sexual one. But you can’t expect others to live by your morals and standards. By the same token, you don’t need to associate or fraternise with them. Know that people can be very depraved if given the chance, to steeel against future shicks and dissapointments like the one you just experienced.

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    • Bill Says:

      Roberta, I’ll chime in and disagree with what most (except Moxie in the comments) have written.

      IMO, creep factor is genderless. Feeling “icky” when someone brags about being a creep is not being judgie. A 39 yo banging 19-22 yo’s is creepy, man or woman.

      AND, if she exclusively has sex with the “barely legal” crowd, it could mean that her preferred age range is actually lower. It’s called Ephebophilia. No idea how common this is among women, but all of the female teachers having sex with high school boys news stories show that it is a “thing”.

      Your mom-instincts have reasonable suspicion for alarm. Whatever you do, I would not show her pictures of your son.

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  14. Eliza Says:

    Applause, applause to the cougar. Clearly, this 39 yr old woman the OP was becoming friends with is very insecure and immature for her age, to be bragging about banging young guys, and then showing her Tinder tadpoles to the OP! lol. And the OP is a work colleague no less…it just demonstrate the level of intellect this woman is operating on. nothing to be proud about–this woman probably feels as though she is so desirable if these young men are after her…but in reality–it’s just free sex they are after, and they also probably want to experience that Mrs. Robinson thing.

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  15. Pina Says:

    Haaaaaterism is an ugly thing.

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  16. Mark Says:

    This letter raises a number of issues, so I’ll only touch on a couple.

    One – who people date, sleep with, are attracted to, etc. That’s their own business. Seriously, if you are concerning yourself about this in light of a “…friendship growing at a rapid pace…” then you might want to re thin the nature of the workplace environment.

    Two – Dovetails with the first point. Everyone has their own likes/dislikes, who we are attracted to/who is attracted to us. If there is a match for whatever we think we are looking for, well… great. If this woman is interested in 19 yr. olds and they are interested in her, I really don’t see where that is your concern.

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  17. Kurt Says:

    Why does the OP care so much whether the woman is sleeping around as long as she isn’t trying to do it with the OP’s son? It is human nature for the OP to judge the woman a bit, but I don’t see why she couldn’t still be friends with her.

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