Dear Guys On Tinder and Bumble: Learn Basic Conversation Skills

I’ve had not one but two bone-headed conversations with guys from Tinder and Bumble this week. The first guy unmatched me, so I’ll have to paraphrase our conversation:

HIM: Hi, Christan. I’m Billy.

ME: Hi, Billy. How are you on this overcast Wednesday morning? (Yes, I said that. Shut up.)

He responds a few hours later and it’s no longer cloudy.

HIM: It’s looking up. I’m going to sun myself during my lunch hour.

ME: I just ran sprints down Park Avenue. #humblebrag It’s gorgeous outside.

HIM: Yes, but the question is: which activity will leave looking better naked?

ME: Wow. You waited three whole messages to go there. Congrats.

HIM: I’m sorry.

HIM: How do you run down Park Ave without tripping over  a bunch of suits?

I did’t respond. He messages me about an hour later.

HIM: Come on! It was funny!

ME: *Cocks head condescendingly*  Was it, though? Was it *really?* ”

I was trying to be funny, but he unmatched me anyway. No big loss. But, jeez, just get through a few messages and set up a date.  You really can’t make it through a brief message exchange without being an idiot? Why is this concept so difficult for so many people. People like this:

blur2

 

What does my heritage have to do with anything? How does a question like that help you get to know me? Christ all mighty. We had yoga in common and he started the conversation asking me about that. It was just a series of questions. Jesus, learn how to make basic conversation.

1. Keep it light – Stay positive; don’t gripe or bitch about the app or the site. Don’t assault them with an inquisition of questions, especially if they’re pointless and stupid questions. What’s my favorite color? Who gives a shit? That’s my favorite color.

1. Keep it simple – Stay away from hot button topics and don’t get too personal.  Stick to stuff in their bio. If they don’t have a bio, look at their photos and try to find something in the pictures that you can use as a spring board of conversation. Keep things isolated to information or topics they touch on or some how reveal. Don’t ask them their height or weight or job status. Either trust the photos and bio or trust your gut that they’re lying or whatever.

3. Keep it short – Don’t try to have full conversations using these apps. Ain’t nobody got time for that. A couple sentences max. 20-30 words. If you fill out your bio properly and sufficiently, they won’t need all the extra messages in order to vet you.

 

Thoughts?

AndThatsWhyYoureSingle.com

Sometimes the love of your life is the love of your life. (R)

@ATWYSingle

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77 Responses to “Dear Guys On Tinder and Bumble: Learn Basic Conversation Skills”

  1. Nia Says:

    Ugh OMG yes.
    In my bio I put the following “Joan from Mad Men type” (emphasis on TYPE. I do not say “I’m a Joan!” or otherwise indicate that I think I look just like Christina Hendricks. God.) I also put that I’m 5’10” so that guys have a very clear idea of my body type: very tall, curves for days, HWP, and traditionally feminine.

    This guy messages me and says after the initial “hi”:
    “You’re not one of those girls that cares about how tall her mate is are you?”
    I mean…how am I supposed to answer that without coming off like an ass kissing loser or a bitch?

    At 5’10” in my bare feet, actually, I am. And I’m entitled to be. I don’t want to be with a slight-framed 5’7″ man–that’s going to be weird and uncomfortable for *both* of us. Everyone is entitled to their preferences: height, body type, overall look, weight, etc. That’s fine. But to challenge a preconceived preference that wasn’t even stated?!?!

    The kicker is: this guy is 5’10” or as he says “6’1″ on his tiptoes”. Sigh.
    Giving him the benefit of the doubt due to texting, I reply “No, not unduly so.”
    Then his rejoined:
    “If you’re Joan from Mad Men, can I be someone else too?”
    Um, no motherfucker. You can be unmatched.

    This is the more colorful of the exchanges I get. Most of them are fall-asleep boring. What is UP with this? I sort of give up.

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    • Sez Says:

      Moxie, I’ve been reading your blog for awhile. Literally the reason you’ve been single all these years has nothing to do with your looks, age or general personality…. you are just too uptight and take things too personally. I gather you are nice inside but no guy will stick around to find out because you bite their head off the first chance they say something you disagree with.

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      • TwoCents Says:

        Agreed here. That first dude was awkward and inappropriate, but he tried to make up for it by restarting the conversation and you wouldn’t let him. You really have to be perfect if you’re going to dismiss folks so quickly. And your “*Cocks head condescendingly* Was it, though? Was it *really?*” wasn’t charming any more charming. I’m not saying you should put up with shenanigans to get a date (see example 2, who was out of line), but not everything falls into the bucket of dude being horrible. People say and do stupid stuff all the time when trying to get to know someone. Maybe try to give folks the benefit of the doubt sometimes. I would think you’d want someone to do the same for you.

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    • Katie2 Says:

      Agreed. Yesterday, I thought about logging out from Tinder because I knew I was going to get annoyed with receiving some variation of the same “big plans for the holiday weekend?” message over and over again. And it’s happening – and it’s annoying. In fairness, though, I did learn in the 24 hours I was on Bumble (before I deactivated it because it made me want to kill myself) that it can be damn hard to figure out what to say when you have to make the first move. Still, I wouldn’t ever resort to some of the doozies I’ve gotten on Tinder this week. My personal favorite (in a very first message): “Hi Katie – What do you think of the Brexit?” F*** off is what I think of the Brexit. I’m not taking some current events quiz to chat with you on Tinder.

      Better to weed that out now than in person, though, I guess.

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      • Parenting Says:

        I can’t believe a man could ask a complete stranger about Brexit! Block him immediately! And OMG, all these jerks wanting to know your holiday plans! Why don’t they just ask you for butt sex? Block! Block! Block!

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      • Bill Says:

        “In fairness, though, I did learn in the 24 hours I was on Bumble (before I deactivated it because it made me want to kill myself) that it can be damn hard to figure out what to say when you have to make the first move.”

        Sorry, but no, you really did not in a real, treat others as you’d like to be treated, way.

        And, you are slamming the door on a lot of guys who are interested in you solely because they couldn’t come up with a witty enough, original, non-offensive opening line to a stranger?

        From a guy perspective, it appears you are actively working to remain single.

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        • MsAdvised Says:

          Using the IRL analogy, if someone I didn’t know tapped me on the shoulder in a bar and – without saying anything else – asked me what I thought about the Brexit, I would think that was weird. Not offensive, not akin to asking for butt sex – just socially awkward. I probably wouldn’t tell him to f off though.

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          • Parenting Says:

            No, in a bar, someone would smile at you. You’d smile back or not. He would read your body language and walk over to say either “hi” or “Can I buy you a drink?” And after a few minutes of banter and jokes he would ask about Brexit or your holiday plans.

            You don’t have any of that with online dating. If he sent you a “Hi” or a smile, you’d blow him off as too lazy to put in the effort.

            The only way to gauge your interest is to start with a question and see if you reply. And that question has to be non-sexual and something you can relate to of which the news and the holidays are fair game. The Brexit thing is probably an attempt to also say “I’m smart because I read the news. I like smart women. This is a test to see if you are a smart woman.” Maybe thats what irritated Katie.

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          • Bill Says:

            Wait, I always thought that, in a bar, tapping a woman on the shoulder WAS asking for butt sex! Lol!

            Parenting does an excellent job of describing the perquisite glance/smile, subtle body language “invitation” ritual before approaching a woman.

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      • The D-man Says:

        Un-fucking-believable. When did conversation become a competition? He’s not asking you about current events to “quiz” you. He’s demonstrating an interest in international affairs and seeing if you’re interested as well.

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    • Timothy Horrigan Says:

      The thing about short men is, they don’t think there’s anything wrong with being short. Also, they have just as much trouble with average-sized women as with tall ones. The 5 foot 7 man may be a little taller than a 5 foot 4 woman, but he still fails to tower over her.

      The 5 foot 10 man who claims to be 6 foot 1 is being just plain deceitful. He is pretending to be something he is not. He is claiming to be 6 feet tall or more. His charm, his caringness, his intelligence, his humor and so forth can make up to some degree for his lack of height, but in that one area he needs to admit that he is lacking.

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  2. John Says:

    Someone asking your nationality is offensive? I don’t see what the big deal is. Its just a conversation starter, not a racial profiling. You are looking for the boogeyman around every corner.

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    • Nia Says:

      They didn’t say “nationality”, they said “heritage” which is dog-whistle racism code for “you don’t look white anglo saxon protestant, do you have some “color” in your family line (aka Hispanic, African, Caribbean, etc.) That’s why it’s offensive. He’s trying to find out if she’s “100% white” by using this clumsy tactic. Ugh.

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      • ATWYSingle Says:

        They didn’t say “nationality”, they said “heritage” which is dog-whistle racism code for “you don’t look white anglo saxon protestant, do you have some “color” in your family line (aka Hispanic, African, Caribbean, etc.)

        This. This This This.

        Holy mother of God, do you people really not know that asking someone their “heritage” or ethnicity is inappropriate and offensive and at best screams ignorant and at worst screams racist?

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        • ATWYSingle Says:

          I’ll also add that I get questions like that because of my hair. That’s why I get so offended when people tell me I should straighten it.

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        • asker Says:

          Well, I am not in those website. I had a stint at match, so your ethnicity is indicated. I wouldn’t ask that in a message, but it turns out that I am Hispanic, and basically a mongrel, and the topic came up in my face-to-face interactions, and no one got offended. Maybe because it was me who started talking about it, and my dates were “Caucasian” or non-Hispanic whites?

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          • Selena Says:

            Many, many, MANY people in the world are *mongrels* – a blend of nationalities and ethnicity no matter what they “look like”.

            The “What is your heritage?” question can open all kinds of conversational avenues. Travel, food, language, culture, customs, things you may have in common, anecdotes about people you know, a better understanding of geography, and on and on.

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        • Hannah Says:

          As a person of mixed descent and dark hair and tan skin that can darken over the sun, people CONSTANTLY ask me where I’m from. White folks, brown folks, black folks. I find that mostly, when people ask me my heritage, it’s because they’re genuinely curious, and a lot of them really don’t mean to offend. Racism is more easy to intuit in person, and a little more difficult online unless they use slurs.

          Moxie, I am really rooting for you. I think you are being unnecessarily harsh initially because you’re trying to stave off disappointment in the long run.

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        • The D-man Says:

          My ex is Chinese and when we met I was deeply curious about what it’s like to grow up in China, what kinds of traditions they have, the food they eat, what school was like etc. etc. etc.

          I’d be curious to know what it’s like to grow up in an Italian-American household too. Did you speak any Italian? What do you think of the Sopranos? Do you have a sense of Italian pride? As an Anglo I don’t really feel a connection to the Old World or any sense of ethnic pride, so I’m curious what that’s like.

          I guess some people are determined to hear dog whistles.

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      • Jesse Says:

        That’s crazy talk

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      • Eliza Says:

        Nia–that tactic is more than “clumsy”…it actually is offensive. And inappropriate via online chatter. Better left for a deeper conversation upon meeting face to face. While at the lame coffee date (LOL): “So, what is your background”? or “do you speak other languages”? People are truly ignorant. Put it this way…when I tell people I am Spanish, I have some immediately say, “So, you are Puerto Rican”? Now..nothing wrong with being from PR…however, there are a huge number of places I can be from, having said I speak Spanish. Now if I said I speak Castellano…most educated people who presume I was from Spain. But the ignorant folk, equate Spanish with ONLY Puerto Rico. Then when I blurt out some South American county–many do not even know it’s in South America! In general, assumptions are not welcomed…and it’s best not to make any online, prior to even meeting if you want to leave a good impression.

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        • The D-man Says:

          Having met and dated women both from and even in</em South America, I never encountered any blowback from asking about their heritage.

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        • Selena Says:

          Living in Florida for 30 years I met many Spanish speaking people from many different places. One thing I learned early was that people who (or who’s parents/grandparent’s) were from one place didn’t care for the assumption that they were from another country they had no connection to.

          Politely asking about someone’s cultural heritage was much better received than mistaking Puerto Rican’s for being Cuban, Cuban’s for being Mexican’s, Venezuelan’s for being Guatemalan and all other possible combinations.

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    • JayD Says:

      You obviously don’t know the definition of the word nationality and confuse it with ethnicity.

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      • ATWYSingle Says:

        I know the difference. He wasn’t trying to determine my nationality. He was trying to determine my ethnicity. I’ve been asked that question before, and some guys have been stupid enough to cite my nose and my hair as prompts for the question. People see very curly hair and make assumptions. And to be clear: I do not find those assumptions offensive. I find the need to determine my ethnicity offensive.

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        • JayD Says:

          Moxie, I know you know the difference. My comment was in response to John’s. Your nationality is American, and so is mine. But we are of different ethnicity. The ones who use the word nationality with no understanding of its meaning are so fucking ignorant.

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          • Eliza Says:

            JayD–I agree with you–and ignorance is bliss as they say. And I agree with Moxie…that asking someone their ethnicity–without even having met them, is inappropriate. What’s it to them? The same as asking “so, how much do you make”? Wrong. That, my friend, is ignorant and ill-mannered…of course, plenty of people just do not know better. And then you have the empty headed ones that can’t “close the deal” with setting up a date…and probably intentionally just want to play cyber ping pong, and go back and forth endlessly–“So, how was ur day”? or just as lame, “what’s new?”..”any plans for the 4th?” What relevance does this have to getting to know someone, or making strides in meeting up with them? None. Equally useless as a starter topic is “so, how is this site treating you”? That’s annoying, and clueless. My reply: “It’s just a website, like any other, impersonal to a large extent”…how it is treating me? I am still on the site, so you tell me. There is your answer. There is no going forward with such absurd topics. At least asking about the Brexit, displays the person is up on current events. My nationality is “American”…made in the USA…if someone truly wants to delve in deeper and get to know my ancestry–let’s meet up! But yes, nobody wants to answer question upon question, and be interrogated via online idle chatter, as though you are under some lightbulb. Making conversation is an art, blurting out questions is entirely a different ballgame…one I have zero time for.

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            • Beta Male Says:

              A question like, “any plans for the 4th” gives a person an idea about what a person likes to do for fun. It is also useful for figuring out where to go/what to do for the first date if/when the conversation gets that far.

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      • Nia Says:

        Again, he did not ask “what is your nationality”. Look at the screen shot exchange which CLEARLY SAYS HERITAGE. She is not confusing it with “ethnicity”. “Heritage” means the same thing as “ethnicity”—it means, what is your race/genetic background.

        Heritage refers to your literal bloodline/family. Nationality is where you have your citizenship. Hence a “French National” can be of African extraction and a South African can be Caucasian.

        So if someone is from South Africa and is Caucasian (white), he or she has a “nationality” of South African, and a “heritage” of Caucasian.

        And in all honesty, one really shouldn’t be asking “what is your nationality” to strangers, as it IS easily confused with race/background/ethnicity/heritage.

        Finally, why is anyone defending this nosy, intrusive, and overly blunt line of questioning? How would YOU feel if someone asked YOU “What’s your nationality? What’s your heritage? Where are you REALLY from?”
        Really think about it. Wouldn’t you be, at the very least, taken somewhat aback?

        Sigh.

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        • Jesse Says:

          No

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        • JayD Says:

          Nia, Absolutely right on !!

          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=crAv5ttax2I

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        • Selena Says:

          “How would YOU feel if someone asked YOU “What’s your nationality? What’s your heritage? Where are you REALLY from?” ” Wouldn’t you be, at the very least, taken somewhat aback?”

          I would be somewhat taken aback if it were one of the first questions someone messaged me.

          I don’t consider “What is your heritage?” an offensive question, I presume it comes from simple curiosity rather than racism. But since some people might be sensitive about it, it’s best asked after you have met in person, established a rapport, and a context has been presented where asking/volunteering such information doesn’t appear abrupt and rude.

          I AM curious about how people ever meet if most questions are deemed either too intrusive or too boring to bother continuing.

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          • DrivingMeNutes Says:

            Agreed. The correct answer for Moxie is Italian/Irish.

            For me, I’d just say I’m Blue-ish. Most of my ancestors from Blue-kraine but also about one quarter Troll-ish.

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        • KK Says:

          Heritage is not the same as ethnicity but the two are often conflated. The guy MIGHT have been asking an inocous question but most likeky wanted to know her ethnicity

          Heritage is your family’s country/countries of irigin. Ethnicity might be tied to yiur country of origin or not. As in, a white South African might be a Jew whose family was from Poland.

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        • KK Says:

          Caucasian is race. A caucasian person could be born in India but with ancestors from Germany. So ethically German and German heritage
          Soneone could have Russian heritage but be ethnically German. Or ethnically Korean.

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        • The D-man Says:

          How would YOU feel if someone asked YOU “What’s your nationality?”

          Well, I have a southern accent that comes out from time to time and when someone asks me about it I’m actually very happy to talk about it. There are good things and bad things about growing up in the South and it makes for interesting conversation.

          And when I spent time in South America I got that question all the time. To them I was a “gringo” of unknown origin who could’ve been from the US, Australia, Canada etc etc etc. It never bothered me in the least that they wanted to know more about it. I took it as a sign of interest.

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  3. NotJane Says:

    ATWY, not meaning to one-up you, but I’m about to one-up you.
    Last guy who called (yes, as in actually called and we actually heard each other’s voices), asked me the following questions:
    1. So, what would your EX have to say about you, if I were to ask him?
    2. What are your top three traits?
    3. What do you feel you have to offer me?
    And, finally, the piece de resistance (however that’s spelled…)
    4. What thoughts would you like to leave me with, about you?

    Yup. Not kidding. After my head stopped spinning, I texted him “goodbye. I felt I was being interviewed and just FYI, I’m not leaving my job” and then I wished him luck.
    He was quite puzzled.

    Sigh…..

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    • Dark Sarcasm Says:

      It’s funny that you use these examples, as (with the exception of #3) I just read a FEMALE dating expert offer examples of questions to ask women, that were similar in tone to these, since the ‘Hi, where do you work? What do you do for fun?” Questions were BORING.

      So what kind of conversations should men start with? Since women are incapable of starting them first?

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      • Bostonette Says:

        Re: Dark Sarcasim
        How about…”Are you free for a drink?”

        Anyone who doesn’t have anything to hide would want to meet face-to-face in a Public place . Texts can be misconstrued and often are. A face-to-face meeting is always the best thing to do rather than these lame-o Texts and message questions.

        I mean is anyone really that important that they need to ask you 50 million questions before you meet on a first date? if so …why are you on a dating site? To MEET someone.

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        • Dark Sarcasm Says:

          Hello my fellow Bostonian!

          At what point in the conversation are you asking, “Are you free for a drink?” Because, in my experience, and from reading this blog and other ‘dating advice’ type blogs, the response to an immediate request for a meet is this:

          “He’s asking to meet already? He must be really desperate…he hasn’t even gotten the chance to TRY to get to know me yet….”

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          • Bostonette Says:

            Hey… DS…just speaking for myself , I’d rather get a message saying “Hi I’m (name) you seem cool… Want to meet for a drink?” Because isn’t that what you’re really saying when you message someone that you liked her picture?The whole blah blah “I’m running, working, sun bathing is just saying “Me Me Me” and that says more about you than simply saying “I like You, let’s see how it goes.”

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            • Dark Sarcasm Says:

              That’s cool, but I’m curious from the men out there if they ever started a conversation on Match, OK Cupid, Tinder, etc, with ‘Hi, I’m (name) you seem cool…Want to meet for drink?” and how effective that was.

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              • fuzzilla Says:

                I’m with you that asking to go grab a drink is too much for a first message, for exactly the reason you state (“He hasn’t even TRIED to get to know me…”), although I do think it’s the next logical step after a couple back and forths.

                Talking about your upcoming weekend plans or workday or whatever is fine, I think. Just something to start a conversation. I basically just wanted to get some sense that the person is reasonably intelligent, knows how to listen, doesn’t immediately talk about sex, etc. Just a basic sniff test.

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                • BRM Says:

                  It’s funny that just asking a few more questions qualifies for a date. What’s the difference between asking for a date right off the bat and a few messages which mean almost nothing – all online first dates are mostly blind dates (physically and emotionally). Online dating is just another form of speed dating since the swipe apps came along. Some people get just as annoyed if you don’t ask them out soon enough.

                  I usually do 1-3 messages and then I ask for a date, if we like each this works fine. I’ve found that endless online conversations generally don’t lead to dates, but weirdly I find them emotionally satisfying sometimes. I’ve been guilty of this myself …

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                  • Rocky Says:

                    On match I ask for the date on the second message. Works fine. The only ones who ghost are the ones I suspected would ghost (generally the ones who responded without asking me a question back. Don’t know why they bother but whatever.)

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                    • Tinker Says:

                      You mean you don’t know why they bother to respond to your initial message? Probably to be polite. You are reading their lack of interest by their close ended response correctly. No harm, no foul.

                      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 1

            • The D-man Says:

              That’s the thing. For some women asking them on a date is perfectly cool and even preferable. For others it’s downright offensive. It’s impossible for a guy to know in advance.

              It’s a kind of narcissism to assume a guy must know everything about a given woman’s preferences ahead of time.

              I agree that immediately bringing up sex is out of bounds but one really shouldn’t expect more than that.

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              • fuzzilla Says:

                **For some women asking them on a date is perfectly cool and even preferable. For others it’s downright offensive.**

                I’m not/wasn’t offended, it’s just…the odds of wasting your time are high enough as it is. I mean, don’t guys also want to know *something* concrete about the person they meet before going on a date? Get at least the most obvious deal breakers (like, they’re really dumb or crazy) out of the way?

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          • asker Says:

            Not sure if it is desperation. Sometimes guys want to weed out before spending too much time online. A guy asked me to meet in his second email. He was also going out with other women. This was match.

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    • Eliza Says:

      Hi NotJane…again, I’ve said it before, and reiterate it again…people abhor being put under some microscope, being interrogated, or having to jump hoops and take litmus tests. For what…some cyber stranger online? No thanks. I don’t need to justify who I am. A person can guage someone’s demeanor and personality by actually having/sharing a conversation with them, not bombarding them with question upon question. For that matter…just email them a questionnaire! As though they are being “pre-qualified”. Want to confirm I am Caucasian enough for you?, or am the weight/height I allege I am? Meet me…at a Starbucks…there is one on every corner now! lol That simple.

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    • NotJane Says:

      Addendum: guy above actually called me to apologize! Gotta him lotsa credit for that, so we’re talking and will likely meet.
      I did tell him he didn’t necessarily do anything “wrong” just wasn’t “right” for ME .

      Two have to be on the same page, especially in how they communicate, ultimately…..
      No real right or wrong, but way different = poor fit.

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  4. DrivingMeNutes Says:

    Actually, the skill missing from the Bumble/Tinder apps is how NOT to have a conversation with someone who offends you or in whom you are not interested. The trick is to stop talking/responding the moment a person says something that rubs you the wrong way, not continue the discussion to figure out “why they said that.” (Again, the point is to get dates.)

    As long as we’re lodging pointless complaints into the universe, I have noticed that Bumble has unleashed this whole new breed of cringeworthy female tryhards. Like, right out of the gate with these lengthy questions about me and listing what they did the previous weekend and what they have planned for the next. Just say “hello” first maybe and see if you get a response?

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    • DrivingMeNutes Says:

      Actually, some woman just sent me a “hello” GIF which is completely charming and highly recommended. Unfortunately, she lives in Queens.

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  5. HerGuyFriday Says:

    I’m curious who you think has basic conversation skills? Women? Please. A brief summary of the last messages women have sent me on Tinder:

    “Hi.”

    “Hey.”

    “I’ve had a long day and I need a laugh. Tell me a joke?”

    “Hi. Let me know if you are actually interested in meeting.”

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    • AC Says:

      I’ve never had 3 or 4 happen but, the typical opener from women on Tinder is……(drumroll)…

      Hi.

      I wonder if these are the same women who quit match and OKCupid because they were tired of getting these types of messages from guys?

      The lesson is simple.

      Say something more than “Hi” if you want to actually meet people.

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  6. Ben Iyyar Says:

    I have to assume that the individual who asked the question about heritage probably just wants to know before he dates someone. It may be fashionable to assume racism or bigotry, which I would add, are very serious charges, but it is wrong . But worse, these presumptive charges being made by highly judgmental people who seem to be aware of another’s faults without ever having even met the person. If you are offended by a question or remark, just walk away, believe me, you are just as faulty and damaged as the next guy, and like him, you have every right to behave in your personal and dating life in any way you wish. After all, it is your life, it is unique to you and you get only one, remember you have every right to live your life as you wish, just like every other person alive.

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  7. Jason Says:

    I don’t find the heritage question offensive at all. Its customary to ask some version of where are you from/your nationality/heritage as a part of the initial conversation. It usually means someone is curious about you. If stuff like this aggros you, you’re wound too tight.

    The larger issue at play here is judging people too harshly upfront, concluding their behavior as negative based on limited data, disqualifying them for minutiae and other forms of antisocial behavior bound to isolate you from others.

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    • K Says:

      My two cents since I know most people I meet whether it’s dating, work, new friends, are wondering about my ethnicity. I’m obviously not white, but I don’t look like any particular ethnicity so I have that ethnically vague thing going on. My friends from my ethnic group who look like they are from that group don’t get this question, especially when I’m with them. I love it when a guy doesn’t ask me on a dating app (which 99% don’t). I love it when someone doesn’t ask me on a first date or first social meeting (dates tending to ask more often than not). But I know people are just curious and I don’t ding them at all in person. Online I answer if I otherwise like the person but it rarely turns into a date, people who need to ask that on an app probably aren’t my target demographic anyhow which is more socially savvy. [My reason for not loving the question is that it then tends to be let’s talk about your culture and I just want people to know me at first not my ancestors, although I know they are just being curious/nice!]. Anyhow I cut people a lot of slack so I can keep using online dating. If *SO* many things annoyed me, I wouldn’t date online. Most people are out there fumbling around and I’m sure my lame convos are annoying a bunch of guys too. I’m rarely blown away by an app conversation and even when it’s great it doesn’t mean the in-person will work. As someone else said above, it’s just a snuff test. Are you going to bring up something sexual, tell me you live far away or basically engage in other odd behavior? I try to let boring and otherwise random questions slide and most people end up being normal in real life. To play this game you really have to leave a lot of over analysis and judgment out early on.

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      • The D-man Says:

        Re: that ethnically vague thing going on

        I once met a woman with that same look and I took a shot in the dark and asked if she was Colombian. She was over the moon that I had guessed correctly.

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  8. asker Says:

    As for conversation skills, I went on two dates with a nice guy. First day was just fine, I had fun. We talked about all light stuff. But the second date was… just bad. I tried to ask more personal questions: hobbies, movies, music… he wouldn’t directly reply, he would joke or deviate the conversation or give just a short answer. He never asked me back. But he would go on and on about impersonal stuff: the plot of a movie, how other people speak, how someone got certain job, the story of some town… So frustrating.

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    • Rocky Says:

      This comment puzzles me but I find it interesting.

      Not sure exactly what is meant by not giving a direct reply. I can see it being annoying but I’m not sure what an indirect reply would be.

      I think “going on and on about impersonal stuff” is a strange criticism. People are told to show passion about something because supposedly this is attractive. But apparently, unless it is precisely the right thing, it is “going on and on about impersonal stuff.” Obviously if he is going on and on about the plot of some movie, he liked the movie – or at least found it engaging. Same with the story of some town. These things tell you something about him.

      Ideally, you would have some reaction to his stories. He shouldn’t have to ask you pointed questions to get your story. That’s not a date. That’s a deposition.

      I mean, how is the conversation supposed to go? “What movies do you like?” “X and Y.” “Cool.” “You?” “A and B.” “Cool.” “Visited anywhere lately?” Etc

      My inclination is to think that if you found his stories frustrating, you’re just a poor fit, not that he is doing anythingn wrong. But I am interested in hearing a counter point and open to reconsidering.

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      • asker Says:

        What about someone who avoids answering a personal question, but then goes to a great extent talking about the plot of a science fiction movie? And what about talking about when a lighthouse was built, just because he spotted one? Puleeeze…

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        • Rocky Says:

          Again, I could see this being annoying but it isn’t fully obvious to me.

          If you ask him, “are you close to your parents?” and his answer is, “have you seen meet the fockers? I loved that movie! DeNiro is amazing bla bla bla,” yes, such blatant refusal to answer questions is his issue.

          But I’m also seeing a possibility where he starts a conversation with “I saw Meet the Fockers recently. Have you seen that?” You might say no. He then says “it was great. It was about xy.” And expound upon it at length.

          Here is the thing. This is a way to have conversation. Rather than depose you, he is trying to do three things. First, show that he cares about something. Second, paint an engaging picture. (We sometimes misfire here, but we try). Third, and this is critical, he wants you to react to what he says. That might have nothing to do with Meet the Fockers! It might be, “that sounds funny! My favorite funny movie is…”

          Asking endless questions is as annoying as answering them. Someone talking about something they care about is an invitation for you to react to that, if you can, or to talk about what you care about.

          But yes, if you ask him what color is the sky and he answers “seven,” I’ll agree that it is his issue.

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      • Eliza Says:

        So funny! Never thought of it that way…Rocky may work in the legal field as I do. Yes, relentless questions – are like sitting through a deposition…and believe me, I have done so…and sat through many interrogations – depositions are a nightmare! lol When two people have commonalities…they don’t just answer – “yes” or “No”…they go into details…Oh, so you have travelled abroad…where? Istanbul…wow–I have been there recently, this occurred to us while we were at the Blue Mosque…bla bla bla. Interesting convo ensues…..

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        • asker Says:

          What about someone who never asks you anything back? The only thing I could learn about him is that he’s a dork and shows no interest in getting to know me either. Do you want his number?

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        • Rocky Says:

          Yes I do. And unfortunately I have more dates where I feel like I’m taking a deposition than sitting through one. On those dates, the only way the other person will say something is in response to a question, and those responses may be minimalist.

          I think if both people are interested into each other they should both want to talk. They don’t wait for the other person to ask just the right question. Something like:

          “You’ve traveled. Where?”
          “Istanbul. I loved the blue mosque, it was very cool because…”
          “Ooh. Sounds fascinating. You know I’ve never been there but that reminds me of the treasury in Munich…” Or “a book I’ve read…” Or “the scene in that movie..”

          Not everything has to be this seamless! But both people should be trying to take the conversation in new directions. Ideally.

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    • BRM Says:

      Usually I believe this means there might be no chemistry. Sometimes I think things get awkward quickly when there’s no chemistry , because some people can’t hide their body language or feelings well which can translate into awkward conversation and weird stuff I think. I’ve had plenty of dates where I felt attracted on the first date but chemistry went south on date two – I just try to be kind. My biggest beef has been the last few dates I’ve paid for and they’ve been fairly pricey, I’m not expecting or even wanted sex on these dates, but I didn’t even get a “thank you” so with both men and women common courtesy seems to gone. My take is women’s behavior is becoming just as bad as men.

      Dating these days is brutal.

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  9. Chester Says:

    I’ve had many women ask me about my heritage. I always took it as a compliment that she was interested. I never received the memo that that was offensive. Perhaps I’m naive. I’ve had Jewish women hit on me hard until they find out I’m not Jewish…and then they drop me like a rock. I don’t get upset at them. It means they find me hot but we don’t share the same culture. I’ll take “I’m hot”. I see nothing wrong with a person pursuing a mate with common cultural interest. Relationships are hard enough. Although I tend to date outside my cultural roots, I’m not sure that is an advantage. Moreover, I’d rather be rejected based on cultural differences than my astrological sign or my eye color.

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  10. Dark Sarcasm Says:

    I’ll also add this about Bumble: out of curiosity, I went on their twitter feed; there are so many racist and threatening conversations being reported, I’m amazed women bother with Bumble at all. It’s almost as if angry men are trying to sabotage that app on purpose.

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  11. Eliza Says:

    THE worst conversation has to be by far, hearing about all the disaster dating “stories” anyone has experienced on a particular site…it’s Yawn City – once that person goes on an endless rant about all the “psycho women”, and false photo scenarios, bla bla bla.
    We get it…online dating has a high level of fraudulent behavior.
    No point in rehashing it. I literally fall asleep…once I was a captive audience in front a man that went on and on…I almost literally fell asleep out of boredom….that strong Starbucks coffee couldn’t even keep me awake. For that dreadful negative/uncreative conversation.

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  12. Mark Says:

    Light, simple, short.

    Exactly. Do you really want to over complicate things unnecessarily.

    People often say do things that might be taken any number of ways. If need be sort it out without jumping down their throat. Some latitude and wiggle room might be in order. Do a quick assessment, and if you think there might be something there, then by all means meet ‘em. then make a decision.

    Seriously, some of these comments go off in any number of directions tangents, etc. You can “what if”,”what about” and “this happened to me once” to death if you allow it to. But are you any better off than you started. Sure there is a screening process, and there is plenty of breakfast cereal out there (flakes and nuts), but if you over do it, you will have a very tough time of things.

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  13. Pina Says:

    I had a guy online ask me my heritage, and like a dum-dum I indulged him and said “Italian”. He then said “then why did you mark the box for Caucasian on your profile?” I was like…whaaaaat? I just laughed really hard when I saw that message. Then he sent me a shirtless photo of his very unattractive chest and I knew I was dealing with a mentally impaired person and set him free.

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    • ATWYSingle Says:

      Exactly. Thanks to True Romance and basic ignorance people make all kinds of assumptions about our ethnic background. Note how someone in the comments immediately went to the “Sopranos/Mob” place when discussing Italians. Movies and TV greatly influence how people view Italians. They’ll believe whatever aligns with their already present biases.

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      • Eliza Says:

        Actually only ignorant folks make assumptions, and generalize…about ethnic groups, as well as genders. Oh, you are Italian? You must love watching The Sopranos then, or have you seen “Married to the Mob”? heehaw (nonsense). How absurd is that? I am not Italian, and watched the show. “Oh, you are Spanish? probably from Puerto Rico, right? Assumptions get you absolutely nowhere. It’s sheer stupidity…that’s all. As they say, better to remain silent, then open your mouth and remove all doubt! lol

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