Does He Want A Relationship Or Not???

ornot

 

Name: Victoria

:
Question: Hi,

Nice blog you are running; this is my first time stumbling upon it despite the many times I have googled the usual “Is he into me”, “what does he want from me” & “what does it mean when he says…”.

Im in a cliche dynamic (can’t call it a relationship because it don’t feel like one) where a guy keeps saying he wants to be in a relationship with me but I have my doubts. He pursued me for a long time but I cut that off with him because I was moving to a different city for school – I still however, wanted him to fight for it but he didn’t after some time. A year later I returned, bumped into him and we got chatting again. A whole year later, he’s called me everyday first thing in the morning and we chat throughout the day, we go on dates, hook up occasionally but he hasn’t brought up the dating topic ever since before I left for school. I was happy until I caught feelings. When I brought up being exclusive with him, suddenly he cannot articulate his feelings well enough to make me understand what he wants.

He says he wants to date but acts no different from the fuck-buddy thing we had. There always has to be an arrangement of meeting each other half-way with things; where after one date outside, the next date is at his house (read sex). He squirms when I bring up marriage talking about ruining a good thing. He pays for expensive dates but never buys me gifts. He’s employed for a national sports team so he travels out of state every other week. We have never been out together during the day but he claims thats because he doesn’t know my city well enough (he’s also from a different city) and I feel like he goes home (back to home city) waay too often for someone who doesn’t have kids or a girlfriend there.

Don’t know what to think; Ive cut the sex off telling him that Im not doing the fuckbuddy thing anymore but suddenly he really wants to do the dating thing and be “the boyfriend i want him to be”; I don’t want him to be anything just because I want it, I want him to be my boyfriend if thats what he wants and change not for me, but because its whats he wants.

Bleh! Am I crazy or does he know what game he’s playing?
Age: 27

I caught feelings is NOT a thing. You always had feelings. Can women everywhere stop with this bullshit?

He says he wants to date but acts no different from the fuck-buddy thing we had

That’s because you are dating, You’re just casually dating.

He squirms when I bring up marriage talking about ruining a good thing. He pays for expensive dates but never buys me gifts. He’s employed for a national sports team so he travels out of state every other week. We have never been out together during the day but he claims thats because he doesn’t know my city well enough (he’s also from a different city) and I feel like he goes home (back to home city) waay too often for someone who doesn’t have kids or a girlfriend there.

You’re trying really really hard to construct a narrative that some how justifies why he can’t commit to you that doesn’t reflect on you. Maybe he does have a girlfriend. Maybe he doesn’t. Maybe he plays the field, which he’s allowed to do since he’s never pledged any kind of exclusivity to you. I don’t even know what the whole “you don’t bring me flowers” thing is about. Gifts are not a sign of genuine commitment. They’re mostly just bribes to make someone stop complaining or to make someone do what the person wants them to do. Rarely in cases like this would gifts means twu wuv.

There is no mystery here. The guy clearly does not want to commit to you. Next?

Thoughts?

AndThatsWhyYoureSingle.com

Sometimes the love of your life is the love of your life. (R)

@ATWYSingle

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14 Responses to “Does He Want A Relationship Or Not???”

  1. Beta Male Says:

    Maybe if you didn’t have him “fight for it,” he would have been more open to a relationship with you.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 16 Thumb down 9

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    • Eliza Says:

      No…when someone is not interested, they simply are NOT. You can easy going, easy breezy or you can pose challenges or demand respect, either way–some will bolt, while the interested person will stick around.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 11 Thumb down 13

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  2. D. Says:

    Moxie’s right: you’re dating casually. You want things to progress to something more serious/exclusive, he doesn’t. How do I know? Because he has every opportunity to do so, and hasn’t yet.

    So, bottom line here: his interest is limited to the kind of relationship he’s giving you now. If you want more, you’re gonna have to find it with someone else. If you’re cool dating him at this level, carry on as before.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 22 Thumb down 1

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  3. Bree Says:

    No, he doesn’t want a relationship. He just likes having sex with you and will continue stringing you along as long as you let him or he gets tired of you, whichever comes first. He buys the expensive dinner because it’s cheaper than an escort. You’re easily placated by it and he probably feels it’s the least he can do to compensate using you for sex. He won’t go on longer daytime dates because he’s not that interested in your company and/or doesn’t want to be seen with you. He “can’t articulate his feelings” because he doesn’t want to risk hurting yours until he’s done having sex with you.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 22 Thumb down 4

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    • fuzzilla Says:

      **He buys the expensive dinner because it’s cheaper than an escort.**

      Damn, that’s cold (but I think you’re right, though).

      Yeah, don’t agree to these casual situations if they’re not enough for you. At the same time, he shouldn’t be running at the mouth about “being her best boyfriend,” but she’s the one writing in. Judge him by his actions, OP.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 15 Thumb down 0

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    • Malienation Says:

      No, he buys expensive dinners because he travels for work and can write it off on his expense account. It’s actually costing him nothing.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 19 Thumb down 4

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    • Eliza Says:

      Bree…straight and to the point…Brutal? Sure, but it’s the truth. And perhaps, yes, a combination of both–he buys dinners since it actually is less expensive than dealing with an escort and it’s a sure thing (or at least his previous experience has shown it to be), and in addition, he probably writes it off as a business expense anyway. Win win. He does know how to articulate his intentions, yet chooses to dodge that conversation, and not go there. Obvious why.Never an easy conversation to have when you are not on the same page.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 2

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  4. John Says:

    “He pays for expensive dates but never buys me gifts”

    Maybe he wont seriously date you until you start paying for some dates.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 9 Thumb down 26

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  5. HerGuyFriday Says:

    “I still however, wanted him to fight for it but he didn’t after some time.”

    This is how children date. You haven’t proven your maturity to him yet.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 18 Thumb down 2

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  6. bbdawg Says:

    I don’t know if women will be able to wake up from the “casual” BS we’ve been fed. “Casual” means a man can call when he’s horny and he leaves when he’s done ejaculating and you’re not supposed to expect anything else from him because well, you’re “cool” about it. The joke is on you.

    Of course you need more than what you’re getting but until you can articulate it and drop people who treat you like a passing sex object, you’re going to be stuck in this situation. 99% of women are never happy with this type of arrangement, and until you accept that your needs are important, and that these needs go beyond sex, you are not going to be able to get out of this cycle. Many men are essentially looking for easy sex with no “complications” (i.e. feelings) so you may get a lot of male attention as a result.

    But that is like eating Cheetos for dinner and complaining that you’re getting fat and/or not eating right.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 35 Thumb down 2

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  7. coffeestop Says:

    If he travels a lot and the OP never gets together with him during the day it is because he has a main relationship in the city she lives in and she is the side action, or he has several women in rotation.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 10 Thumb down 2

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    • Rope-a-Dope Says:

      Nah, he just has a real life that she’s not part of.

      Why bother bringing someone into your circle when they may be gone at any time?

      He’d have to vouch for her, and then keep her company because she doesn’t know any one, and explain all the inside jokes.

      Not to mention that he may have reinvented himself and doesn’t want anybody sharing his old self with his new circle.

      Occam’s razor – It’s not a conspiracy, he just can’t be bothered making the effort.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 3

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  8. Rope-a-Dope Says:

    It’s not rocket science. She had him the first time and now he’s gun-shy. What she has now is just the Ghost of Relationship Past.

    He was all-in the first time around but she cut him down and still demanded he dote on her. That’s where she screwed the pooch.

    Now, he still likes her but he won’t risk being abandoned, again, so he’s giving the minimum so he can cut and run at any thime.

    If she wants something substantial then it’s up to her. She killed his commitment the first time round, now she has to prove to him that she’s worth it. He made an effort for nothing, so he’s not going to make any more because he does not trust her.

    Or, to be really cynical, he’s stringing her along as sex-filled revenge.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 5

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