When Should He Give Women His Number?


Name: DH
Question: Hello, Moxie. I am a 31yr old man from the Boston area. If what I am about to ask has been covered in detail elsewhere on the site, please excuse me for not coming across the topic(s) and already finding an answer.

I utilize online dating from time to time and my most recent attempt has me wondering…when do you think it is best for a man to give his phone number to a woman that he has been messaging on a dating site? If this angle is foreign to you, please understand that I prefer to give my phone number to ladies I am attracted to and strike up conversation with. I believe if the female calls (or unfortunately TXTs like today’s kids do) then it’s certain that they are interested. It eliminates unnecessary brainpower and has been a high percentage play, at least offline.

I believe the problem arises from women on these sites wanting to continue the messaging process way longer than I would ever intend. I thought the purpose of these sites was to meet face-to-face if we mesh and The Sooner being The Better.

Any thoughts and/or questions, Moxie?
Age: 31




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13 Responses to “When Should He Give Women His Number?”

  1. DrivingMeNutes Says:

    Lol 31

  2. Jonathan Says:

    My experience has been that most women give me their number after I have arranged a date. I send a tailored email to someone I am interested. Around 25% of them respond. I engage in one or two more messages, then suggest we meet up for coffee or tea, occasionally lunch or a beer if my scheduling dictates. Most accept the offer, with an occasional ghost. At that point most of the women send me their number without me asking. I send text to them saying that I’m looking forward to seeing them at such and such time and place. At that point I sign with my full name, so they can Google me, hehe. Occasional light banter happens via text if date is more than 4 days away. Night before I send text saying again that I look forward to meeting them. Some dates have asked to talk before hand, I text back that she could if it was that important, but that it was not really a good way to determine compatibility. Sometimes women want to talk a few times, but the Great majority are all done with a few emails at dating site, a looking forward to it text with my full name, and then a looking forward to it reminder day before.

    Some might gasp at giving full name.

    If number is not offered to me, then entire meet up is coordinated via dating app.

  3. bbdawg Says:

    OP I hope you are aware of the endless messages/chats women that are exactly like this:

    “Hey I like your profile let’s chat, my number is xxx-xxxx”.

    If you follow this blog you will know that about 80% of men on dating sites are “time-wasters” meaning they are not looking to “date” women. They are looking to TEXT for no reason and/or for the fastest tunnel into and out of a vagina that happens to be attached to a woman’s body.

    Back when I did online dating in 2013 this type of message is the #1 red flag for “time waster”. The “hint” for you is that if you want to connect with “females”, you have to make the minimal effort of trying to look like you are making an effort, that means asking questions, pretending you’re interested in what she might have to say, suggesting a place/date to meet. If you think you’re some baller dude throwing numbers out there and hoping they’ll stick…good luck with that.

    Only newbies and desperate folks will text some guy they have never met, after HE gave them his number. Maybe if you’re a Managing Director at Goldman Sachs and you write that on your profile, but if you were, you would not NEED to be on a dating website, women would flock to you automatically, objectifying you as you objectify them.

    It’s pretty simple, write messages that don’t refer to the woman’s appearance, ask question that doesn’t mention the weather, make plans with exact location and time a few days in advance – don’t “wait” for her to say she’s interested. ASK A WOMAN OUT is the way go around this. After some back and forth you say “are you around on ___? We could meet at X in neighborhood X, at around Z time. Here’s my number by the way”. Most women will not turn down dates if the person seems normal, on the same educational level as theirs, and has not mentioned boobs in the conversation.

    • Parenting Says:

      I worked at Morgan Stanley. I didnt see hot women lining up at the door just waiting to throw themselves at managing directors as they exited. What I saw was men and women who lived for their job and worked way too many hours not to need online dating to meet someone. But I digress.

  4. Rocky Says:

    Yep. As I’ve said before, I ask her out on my second message as long as she has asked me a question back.

    In fact, you don’t even need all the details. You can say something like, let’s get together. Are you free Tuesday night? If not, let me know what works. And then once you have a day, you can suggest the place. Or you can ask what neighborhood she lives in and offer a couple different locations.

    Really, though, I have come to believe the details don’t really matter. For instance, it is probably not ideal to say, “let’s get together. I’m pretty open after day xxx. What’s your schedule like then?” However, I’ve set up dates using that approach. The fact is, a response USUALLY means interest. At that point, if you are civilized and somewhat decisive, you should get a date. And asking her out on the second or third message is usually decisive enough even if you don’t have details up front.

    My suggestion though: pick one day. Offer it. If it doesn’t work for her, she will counter. If it does, then figure out a place.

  5. Bree Says:

    Us “females” often get men offering their phone number (or e-mail) simply as a way to contact us outside the boundaries of the dating site, for no other reason than to be inappropriate (trying to get free phone sex or exchange nude pics). Few, if any, are going to call you. There’s really no reason to be giving out your number unless you’re confirming an actual date. Otherwise, pushing for contact outside the dating site makes you look like you’re up to no good at worst, and a little bit CONTROLLING at best.

    But I get that some people might be internally embarrassed to be logging in to a dating site. Maybe LW thinks getting Females to call him out-of-the-blue will make him forget he’s on a dating site, with the added bonus of adding said Female callers to his phone contacts.

    I can’t think of any decent motive for trying to communicate outside the dating site unless you’re confirming an in-person date.

  6. Bethany Says:

    I have no interest in talking to potential dates on the phone. Phone conversations can be awkward because sometimes someone has terrible signal and you miss out on the physical cues you get in person. I’d much rather cut to the chase and arrange an in-person date.

  7. BRM Says:

    I’ve found that most online first dates are blind dates and so minimizing the initial communications until you can feel whether there’s chemistry or not makes sense. I think it takes a lot of first dates with “strangers” to find someone you might want to see again.

    Giving out your phone number makes no sense, even in the old days women expected men to initiate the date (and many other things too). 90+ percent of the time I’m doing the asking out and initiating things. I can’t remember very many times when a women called me until we knew each other – it’s just in the female DNA I think to be pursued. I do get women asking me for my number and using it if the first date goes well enough to want to go off app.

    Bottom line is women expect men to be manly, and take charge.

  8. Nia Says:

    OP, for the love of all that is holy PLEASE do not refer to women as “females” and people younger than you (at 31? is that a typo?) as “kids”. Women really, really, really, really don’t like being called “females”. It’s objectifying an reduces them to an animal status.

    Female refers to the distaff branch of the sex, not a human person with needs and desires. That’s why the police, military and objectifying a$$holes call women “female”–because they’re all one big lump of secondary sex characteristics to them and they must remain detached and objective when dealing with “females”.

    Please call women “women” or at the very least, “ladies”. PLEASE.
    The word “feminine” or the adjective “female” (as in “all female basketball players report to the principal’s office”) is different, it doesn’t carry the same extremely negative connotations. Just don’t use “female” as a noun.

    For me and I suspect for the comment-ers that put sarcastic quotes around the word “female”, when people use derogatory words for others that are not like them (younger, other gender, etc) it’s a red flag. You don’t have to bag on “kids” that text. Just say you prefer to talk on the phone in person.

    Online, every word and phrase you use is being studied and judged. That may not be fair. There may be tons of “females” who don’t notice or care that you use that term, which turns my stomach and angers me. However, I am telling you that I personally know about 100 women that would immediately rule a man out of the running for using that word in that way.

    • asker Says:

      What about this expression I read once: “My mate should be someone adventurous, who loves to be very active…”

  9. Shadowcat Says:

    Referring to women/girls as “females” is an urban affectation that I remembered starting around junior high school (which for me was the early 80’s) that has unfortunately stuck, as I have students thats still say it. I have an automatic image of the person using that term which may or may not be accurate. It is not a positive one.

  10. Zaire Says:

    “I believe the problem arises from women on these sites wanting to continue the messaging process way longer than I would ever intend.”

    As a woman that’s likely in your age range (26), this couldn’t be less true. Me and most of my friends using these sites prefer to meet/setup a date sooner rather than later. If you ask me for my number but don’t even hint about a date I assume you’re looking for a texting buddy and I downgrade the exchange. In some instances I won’t even respond. In most cases if a guy suggests meeting I’ll actually give him my number to contact me and set up a date. Or if he suggests meeting and gives me his number I’ll text him to let him know my schedule. This strategy works well, for me.

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