Here’s a little food for thought for a rainy Saturday afternoon:
In the comments of a recent post, DMN said this:
If you manage to meet a guy “offline” it’s very likely to be a guy who also has an online profile on the apps or sites. It’s the same guys. The OPs question is really just another variety of the “the guys who show interest in me online are not the ones I’m interested in.” Put more bluntly, she is not attractive to the guys she wants to attract. Unless her profile is a horribly poor misrepresentation of her real-life person, she’s likely to find the same poor results offline (albeit without offensive messages). This is true regardless of whether the sister of a random internet commenter once met a guy offline.
She’s asking the wrong question. It’s not how can I meet people offline but rather why am I not attracting people online that I’m happy with? The answer to the latter question, if dealt with honestly, would be much more productive both online and off.
Everyone has to contend with unwanted attention from creeps. For many of us, we have enough positive experience to outweigh dealing with an occasional weirdo. If the OP is ONLY getting attention from creeps, it means there’s something unattractive about her or her profile. No offline meet-up is going to fix it.
Now, I don’t happen to believe anybody when they say they only receive messages from creeps. They’re being hyperbolic with statements like that. I think a more accurate statement is they’re not hearing from anyone that interests them or that they find attractive.
I received a letter from someone this morning looking for help with her profile. She explained that she was 59 years old and the men she was meeting ranged from 38-64. The young ones never stuck around (derp). About the older ones, she said, “Either I simply could not imagine them on top of me, they are sick/frail/ready for the nursing home, or they turned out to be married or poly.”
Okay, look. As DMN said, unless your profile presents you in a really horrible light or you are totally unfortunate looking in photos, those men and women you hear from are pretty much your league and you should get used to it. Let me explain something: there isn’t a dating coach or image consultant or stylist that’s going to transform someone so well that they begin to pull more attractive people. That’s a myth, one that these frauds perpetuate over and over. All those testimonials from clients braying about how awesome the coach is because he/she helped the client find the love of their life? Here’s the coaches secret:
He/She convinced their clients to settle. Of course, nobody will ever admit that. Some have even been brainwashed into believing they didn’t settle, they just changed what they were looking for in a mate.
More than likely your profile isn’t the problem. The problem is your expectations. I mean, honestly, how different do a 59 year old and a 64 year look and act? It’s a matter of 5 years. Let’s stop with excuses. And let’s also stop with “I only hear from creeps.” You don’t only hear from creeps. You’re just not hearing from the people you prefer to date. And that, my loves, is the problem.
The secret to this common complaint is simple: aim lower. That’s it. Nobody is saying to go for the person with three eyes or the hump in their back. If you want a relationship of some kind then go for people that are attainable. Sure, a 38 year old dude might date a 58 year old just to see what the sex is like, but they’re dating them seriously. Any adult woman should know this. 38 year old = not attainable. Don’t be confused because you can get two or three dates out of them. That means nothing. Men are as picky as their options at that moment.
That’s the other problem. Men and women both start to believe they are as attractive as all these scammers and gold diggers and players and bucket listers say they are. All of those compliments warps their self-perception. Here’s a good rule of thumb: if you get a message from someone and think, “Wow, really?” then they’re probably not sincere.
Like DMN said: if you’re not hearing from the people you want to hear from, then more than likely you are not attractive to them. That does not mean you’re unattractive. It just means you’re shooting out of your league. Which is a thing, for fuck’s sake. Please stop trying to deny that it isn’t by citing some random one off experience you had or heard of.
Aim lower and the majority of your stress and angst around online dating will fade away.
ETA: There is one other option. You can continue to shoot for the people who never seem to respond or message you, but you need to accept that you’ll probably be waiting a very long time. That isn’t meant to be sarcastic. You very well might be able to pull the people you think you can, but if you want them, guaranteed others do, too. In those instances, it’s about timing. So fire up that Kindle and download a few books, because it’s gonna be awhile.