Does He Want to Get Back Together Or is He Just Horny?

noping3

Name: Anon

Question: Hi Moxie,

Looking for some “Tough love/Hard Truth” here as I feel I should be able to see this myself by now.  Unfortunately, I am being reminded that when one is emotionally close to a situation, it’s harder to see the truth/harder to admit what it is.  Thanks to you and the readers in advance.

I was in a relationship with a 26 yo guy for just over a year. Things were calm, he was consistent, the amount of time spent together per week and amount of communication per week were perfect in allowing me space that I like to have as well as enough interaction to feel valued and close and to build on the momentum of the relationship. We also are both introverts, which helped things work out in terms of activities and going out together, etc.  There was nearly no drama – no fights, no insecurities, no games, really. I was and am attracted to him and for awhile there, I loved him.  Things weren’t perfect overall, of course, but they were really good.

He ended things with me a month ago, stating that he felt things were getting too serious for his taste.  I understood, having been working on my own commitment issues myself and knowing he is a couple years younger than I. I also believe he was confused in what he wanted, as he was insistent I meet his family and scheduled 3 separate times for that to happen. The third worked out with both his family’s life and mine where I could attend an event and meet them.

He gave what I felt were valid reasons to feel the relationship wasn’t a Perfect Match for what he is looking for and knowing that he’s young yet and a catch (good looking, great career, good person), he should be able to be picky and to find exactly what he’s looking for.  Of course, it hurts, but I also know that I am a catch myself and will eventually meet a better match, too.  A couple weeks after breaking it off, he broke our agreed upon No Contact via text and asked if we could get back together. It doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to me, tbh, and I stated that I needed time for now. We could revisit the discussion in a couple of months once things have been processed a bit more and emotions have calmed down. I am aware that there are some questions that will need to be discussed, and that I will need to determine if the issues have been addressed or will continue to cause problems before I can know if this will be at all feasible.

I know that I’m still on the emotional roller coaster of dealing with a break up. Is it even worth it to have a discussion in the future regarding this?  People in my life who I have discussed this with, all people who are older and who I respect as being intelligent and with their lives together, are split along gender lines wrt advising what I should do.  So, I’m submitting this to you, wider audience.  What do you say?
Thanks!
Age: 29
Nope. Don’t waste your good years on a guy who has already dumped you once. He’s not really having second thoughts, he just doesn’t like not having somebody to hang out with and to sleep with. He’s had two weeks of “single life” and he’s just not up for the drama and effort it takes, so he’s going back to you because you two have a history.

No. You’re 29. You’ve got maybe 3-5 years left before dating becomes exponentially harder for you. This guy won’t think twice about keeping you for himself until he decides once again that he’s not ready to settle down.

Thoughts?

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11 Responses to “Does He Want to Get Back Together Or is He Just Horny?”

  1. Parenting Says:

    He is not confused about anything. He decided the OP was not the one and 2 weeks later he decided he was lonely.

    I’ve seen these off again on again relationships hobble along for months and years. Total waste of time. Its two people clinging to comfort rather than face the fact that they are wrong for each other and need to move on.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 29 Thumb down 1

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  2. yb Says:

    a kind hearted person would never play someone’s feelings by breaking up and then wanting to get back together. this really demonstrates how selfish he is. doubts are understandable, but that does’t mean you act on those doubts and hurt the person you are with.

    he needs to man up and own the consequences of the break up. i know how tempting it is to go back but this is where you need to really take care of yourself. you can take him back but i count it will end well.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 13 Thumb down 5

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  3. coffeestop Says:

    Nope, break up guy thought he would be able to go out and snag new shiny women, it was harder than he thought so he was circling back hoping for a hook up. Women do this as well so I am not turning it into shit men do. Fuck that noise, the whole reason he did the dump was because things were getting “too serious” the likelihood he has had some revelation that he wants to be serious is minimal. People are allowed to decide that they don’t want serious relationships. OP should not give this guy any way back in, he made his choice, let him live it.

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  4. ? Says:

    Whether or not he wants you back is immaterial. This relationship is not likely to last. He has doubts about committing to an older woman who is likely to want kids soon. He still wants to keep his options open. At this stage you want a guy who is either all in or all out. Carrying on with him while he “decides” is probably going to result in your time being wasted. By then, your options may have dwindled even further.

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  5. Ben Iyyar Says:

    ATWYS sagely remarks, “Nope. Don’t waste your good years on a guy who has already dumped you once.” Really, this is all it should take to convince the OP to just walk on by this guy!

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 17 Thumb down 0

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  6. fuzzilla Says:

    I think you need to redefine what “a catch” is and not base it on superficial things. No, I don’t mean settle for a guy you’re not attracted to who is broke/has a shit job, etc. I mean that *how he treats you and makes you feel* should be non-negotiables. If he treats you as disposable and then pulls the “I’m confused, maybe let’s meet for coffee?” card on you after two weeks(!), he’s not a “catch.”

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 16 Thumb down 1

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  7. D. Says:

    This guy is 26 years old? I promise you, even if he thinks and says he is, he’s not really ready to settle down.

    Regardless, why would you want to be with someone who already expressed enough doubt about you to actually break things off with you?

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  8. Bill Says:

    Moxie nails it.

    He hasn’t decided that you “are the one”, he’s found that being with you is preferable to being single (and being alone in bed at night). All of the reasons discussed between the two of you on why the relationship was not for the long term still apply.

    As bad as the “first” break-up was, just imagine how bad the second one will be if you get back with him. Use your head and allow your heart to heal.

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  9. mama juju Says:

    I agree with Moxie 100%. Let this one go and move on. He will only
    waste your time and then break up with you again. And trust me it will
    hurt even more the second time.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 12 Thumb down 0

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  10. No Disrespect Says:

    Just adding to the choir. He probably realized that he was not as much of a catch as he thought, and is crawling back to more familiar ground. For companionship and sex. But probably not for the same relationship that you once had. If you go back to him, it will likely be on his terms. He will want “space.” The relationship will be defined more by his wants and needs, and not yours.

    You said you were a catch too. Go date around and find someone who won’t waver in his commitment to you.

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  11. bbdawg Says:

    Regardless of the fact that he has stated that he is not interested in serious commitment, and that alone should not be taken for anything other than what it means. He wants to keep his options open. Fair enough.

    In addition to that, this is a 26-year old man. IMO at that age men should NOT be in LTRs unless it’s something extraordinary. the OP should know better and accept that if she wants a real committed relationship she should focus on men who want to settle down, in the 35-ish range.

    It’s unfair to expect someone that age to be “settling down” unless it comes from his own determination and that’s expressed in HIS WORDS.

    One unfortunate trait we women have is the ability to project our expectation as a distortion field when in a relationship. That means we only see what we want to see and we not only distort words that come from men’s mouths, we assume that because WE want X, then HE must want X too, “he just doesn’t know it yet”. We know men objectify women for sex, but we women objectify men for the sake of “romance”.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 7 Thumb down 4

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