How Do You Break Free From a Toxic Ex?


Name: Burnt-Alive

Question: There is this girl we’ve been good-friends for years, but there has always been this sexual-tension between us and recently we acted upon it and been in a turbulent undefined relationship. Recently the physical-intimacy reduced, we kept on fighting over stupid stuff. I said we can’t keep this messy thing going, either we settle or we split. Nothing.
She doesn’t want to ‘define’ anything, it’s hard for her to get into a relationship, she said.
Time goes by and we don’t even kiss.

A mutual friend invited us over for some drinks, and to meet her new roommate. We connected and the day after we went all together to a bar. Flirted a bit, nothing sexual though and suddenly Girl A went frenzy jealous..
Few days pass, I asked the roommate out.
At that night Girl A came to my place, tried to seduce me, then when she found out I’ve been talking to the other girl, she went FRENZY again, crying, saying she’s humiliated, that she’s nothing for me, that I don’t care about her.
I said I won’t talk to the other girl anymore, but she has to give me something, tell me WHAT ON EARTH DOES SHE WANT?!
She said she’ll hurt me and flirt with my best friend for ‘revenge’ and SO she fucking did! Thankfully though, it’s a very good friend who’s trying to prove a point and get me to ditch her and forget about her.

I feel like I’m going crazy with this ‘game’, she can’t forbid me from dating other girls while doing the exact opposite with my friend, to “make me feel the pain she felt”.
What the hell should I do? In a sense it feels like I’m in love with her because I act irrationally and can’t make sense out of this situation.

But am I just blinded/poisoned by her twisted mind?

Age: 27

In a sense it feels like I’m in love with her because I act irrationally

Yeah, no. That irrational thinking and those out of control emotions have nothing to do with love and everything to do with you two being completely toxic for each other. No doubt the sex is great, but the both of you clearly have some issues that you continue to engage each other. It’s not just her that’s out of her mind. You’re part of that, too.

You need to figure out which buttons she’s pushing and why said buttons set you off. Forget about her. Let her do her own internal homework. You worry about you and why you repeatedly enable this nitwit’s dramatic antics. There has to be something amiss with you that you keep going back for more.

Spoiler alert: continue to play these games with her and this won’t end well. This will be one of those relationships you can never quite get out of your system. I think most of us have that one or two people that always come back or that we always swing around to when we’re in certain spaces emotionally. She’s yours and you’re probably going to be hers. In a case like this, you just have to go cold turkey.



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15 Responses to “How Do You Break Free From a Toxic Ex?”

  1. Zaire Says:

    Yeah, fuck that. Moxie is right quit her cold turkey. Word to the wise, if someone only ‘wants’ you when they’re about to lose you they don’t actually want you. Forget them. They want to keep you on a leash for ego validation. Don’t allow yourself to be used like that. She had plenty of opportunity to stake her claim. She didn’t, too bad for her.

  2. Mostboringgirl Says:

    This is 50 Shades of Toxic. Cease & Desist all contact with this chick. This is a Lifetime movie plot line just waiting to happen.

  3. jaclyn Says:

    She’s completely insane. Block all contact with her and never cross the line physically with her again. Since she’s demonstrated herself to be completely insane, it would be best if you avoided dating anyone else in your friend circle. She’s completely delusional, and will try to destroy any new relationship you develop with if she has mutual friends in common with the new girl. You are a single 27 year old guy, so you should be able to meet women online who are unconnected to this crazy woman. Random women who don’t know her or her friends will be much less likely to listen to her if she reaches out to them, especially since you were never really in a relationship with her.

  4. BRM Says:

    Dude, I actually had a crazy ex-girlfriend do exactly the same thing to me in an attempt take her bitterness out on me. Folks who make threats when things are not going their way and follow through are dangerous and unstable emotionally and at times physically. This women sounds like a career abuser and I can tell you from experience it gets worse – MUCH WORSE – over time.

    I’m 1+ on disconnect immediately and block her. Be prepared for her to try to contact you through other channels and block them as well. She’ll probably try to tell you how great you are and you should be together; then when you relent and go back to her because the sex has to be awesome for you to put up with all her crap the fallout will be worse and worse each time similar to alcoholic behavior. The thing is if you don’t disconnect eventually it will ware down your manhood and you’ll start to believe the craziness and be more and more under her control. These are the situations that destroy you inside first and then ruin your life next. People use great sex to control people too.

    You sound like a decent guy and deserve better. Some folks would rather be with a crazy person then go without sex, but in the end you need real and honest caring in a relationship, not just for the relationship to stay alive, but for the romance to survive as well.

    Cut the cord cold and don’t look back. Life is to short to not abort an abusive situation.


  5. Eliza Says:

    You can’t really call her an ex, but she sure sounds manipulative and controlling…cut all ties…simple enough to do – by blocking her on social media, and blocking her cell, not taking any calls/text messages. at all. Also, she may try to connect w/you through social media FBook, by friending a contact of yours…so let others know what to expect. This happened to me…and I had to advise my girlfriend not to accept a friend invitation from a certain person. You don’t need to be a mere ego boost for someone. Out of sight, out of mind.

  6. No Disrespect Says:

    Let me get this straight. She doesn’t want to have a relationship with you. She doesn’t want you to have a relationship with others. She thinks seducing your friends just to make you jealous is a-ok? Sounds like she just wants to keep you miserable.

    Why are you even even talking to this moron?

    Bunny. Boiler.

  7. ATWYSingle Says:

    I love how people are only honing in on how nuts *she* sounds. Because it’s totally a sign of high self-esteem and mental stability that he keeps going back to her and playing her stupid games.

    • BTownGirl Says:

      Seriously, when I was a little younger than the LW I was in one of these situations…because I had TERRIBLE self esteem. And no one is going to tell me that he didn’t get some satisfaction out of it when the ex went nuclear over him flirting with the friend’s roommate. If he didn’t want to keep this malarkey from escalating, he could have called her up and said, “You need to stay out of my business. I wish you well, but I’m not entertaining this.” before asking the roommate out. If you want someone to cut the bullshit, tell them and, if they keep at it, ignore them.

      • Eliza Says:

        Exactly. It takes two to tango…and create drama. Very immature to make someone jealous, signals instability in both parties. Cut the ties, unless you enjoy the rollercoaster ride.
        Then don’t complain when things escalate. Yes, she is batty–but the LW is no diffusing the matter, by playing childish games.

    • Tinker Says:

      This. He flirted with the other chick in front of her precisely because he wanted to know if she “cared” enough to go crazy.

      • BTownGirl Says:

        Wouldn’t shock me! I mean, if you really think your ex is a drama-ridden loon and don’t want to risk a scene in front of a potential date, you wait and call the roommate up after the fact.

  8. Parenting Says:

    “Recently the physical-intimacy reduced, we kept on fighting over stupid stuff. I said we can’t keep this messy thing going, either we settle or we split.”

    “Now that this thing is really in the shitter, lets make it exclusive,” said no healthy person ever.

  9. Yvonne Says:

    Some people make the mistake of thinking that because someone acts “crazy” jealous, it’s a sign that the other person is really in love with them. It’s not. He wants to believe this means that he is driving Girl A crazy with jealous love, when in fact, it’s just a sign of her instability. I might be wrong, but I don’t get the sense that BA deliberately manipulated the situation. Plus, he says he’s known her for years, and it doesn’t sound like he was aware of this aspect of her personality until he got involved with her.

  10. Dave Says:

    OP, you already know that you need to set boundaries, cut ties and go no contact. So ask yourself, why are you not doing this? You don’t need a group of random internet strangers to tell you this. And more importantly, I’d recommend that you take some time to do a little soul searching on why you were drawn into this dysfunctional relationship in the first place.

    Jumping right back into dating (with her roommate, no less) before ending things proper with this girl will most likely bite you in the ass in more ways than one. A little dating break might be good medicine for you.

    I’m in a similar boat…and while my situation was different, there are things in your story that resonated with me. Take a vacation, get some therapy, meditate – whatever it is that helps you re-center yourself but don’t expect to find the answer immediately. I’m still processing everything from the bad relationship I was in as I want to make sure that I learn from my mistakes and not drag any of that baggage into my next one.

    Stop worrying about what this girl wants. What do YOU want?

  11. PGH Gal Says:

    He likes this drama. If he didn’t he wouldn’t still he in contact, nor would he have written this letter.

    Just keep other parties out of it (your BF, the roommate, etc) and you two can enjoy your shitshow.

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