Tale of The Tinder Cheater

 trevor-tinder

 

Here’s the story:

Woman matched with a guy in Tinder.  She  set up a date for this weekend. They had two mutual connections. She told her friend she matched with him and friend told her he’s married. Friend checked his FB page and saw that his wife had commented on some of his stuff as recently as a week ago.  Woman did some Googling and found his Instagram but it was private. The bio on the page linked to his site and that linked to his twitter page. No talk of a wife anywhere. She messaged him back and told him she found out he was married. He unmatched her.

First of all, that guy is an idiot. Hello? Create a dummy Facebook account with a fake last name if you’re going to cheat, stupid. I mean, maybe in the past week they separated? Unlikely, right?

EDITED BECAUSE SO NOT WORTH IT.

I want to say that some people are just very private and intentionally curate their social media to draw a line between their public persona and their real life. In the past few years, I think we’ve become conditioned to believe that sharing is caring and that, if you weren’t open about your private life, you were hiding something. I don’t happen to believe that. However, it’s odd to me when someone has kids or a partner and never mentions them. I’ve come across a number of dating profiles of guys I know personally who make no mention of the fact that they have kids. Sorry, that’s sketchy. I guess the same can be said for spouses and partners.

I think it’s far more common for men to be on the DL about their relationships than women. There’s social proof for a woman to admit and broadcast the fact that she’s in a relationship. She has more to gain. Women are expected to link their identity to their partner’s. Men, on the other hand, get a pass for not including their wives or girlfriends in their public persona. Their assigned more value, likely because it’s assumed that as a single man he’s screwing whomever he wants, whenever he wants. There are reasons that men don’t mention their significant others publicly that have nothing to do with infidelity. It’s not fair to assume that someone who keeps that stuff under wraps is sneaking around. I had a woman attend a speeddating event recently. The event was for Ivy League and Advanced Degree singles. She met a guy, then went home and looked him up in the school’s database. She couldn’t find him. She reported him and I contacted him. Turns out he didn’t give her his real last name. In fact, he never gave her a last name. All she had was an email address. I see people – men and women – sign up for events using initials or completely different names than what’s on their credit card. They can’t all be up to no good. Sometimes people are just really cautious. That includes men.

The ease in which you and others can uncover information about people they meet online or on these apps is kind of frightening. It’s like Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon, only all you need is a last name. This page links to this page which links to this page. Your first name and various key words from your bio can pull up all kinds of information.

The thing to remember is that there’s always a work around for the cheaters and people up to no good. They can create a second Facebook page that lists a last name. They can have multiple dummy email addresses and burner phones. See, the things we use to protect us from people like this are the very things used by people like this to deceive others.

 

Thoughts?

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9 Responses to “Tale of The Tinder Cheater”

  1. Bree Says:

    Safe to assume most men use online dating to hunt for sex, whether they’re married/partnered or not, and will be dishonest about that intention.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 7 Thumb down 15

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  2. BTownGirl Says:

    Oh yeah, when people don’t mention long-term relationships at all? Shifty. New relationships? Please spare us all your 300 Love Instagrams and don’t jinx yourself. I don’t share pictures with my boyfriend because it’s not my thing and I have no idea if anyone who follows me is a potential/current patient. If that makes me seem not serious about it, so be it haha!

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 8 Thumb down 1

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  3. Noquay Says:

    Serious, bona-fide cheaters are very, very good at it. Someone is seriously clueless to cheat with an active social media account. Nor will those of us who have semi public positions such as therapists, doctors, teachers. No one wants students, clients, patients, disgruntled exes or family members looking them up on line. Years ago, I changed my name to my Native name; a much better reflection of who I am (many traditional Native folk have “White” and Native names). There are at least five women with the exact same legal name as myself, same middle initial too, one in the same state. Look me up with my white name and I would seem as though I am a fraud, with a really bad driving record besides. When I began on line dating using my white name, I was cyber-stalked; never contacted the dude in any way. He sussed out my place of work, profession, obtained work phone and email, found out the exact location of my home. He was on multiple sites but would change location, profession, hair/beard but couldn’t change his weight, nose, earlobe shape. Match finally refunded my subscription. So how do you suss out cheaters and creepazoids? By paying attention and not attaching too soon. Hot/cold behavior, frequent unexplained absences from the area if the person is local, general inconsistencies. You cannot avoid cheaters entirely but you can detect them.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 0

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    • Parenting Says:

      What is a bona-fide cheater? Is it better if the guy is just cheating on his wife for the first time?

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

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      • BTownGirl Says:

        I think she meant more the people who are trying to to get some without their spouses ever, ever finding out, as opposed to the people who are acting a fool because they want out of their relationship and are so obvious (read: the dude in this story) that you shake your head at it like, “Are you TRYING to get caught?” Rhetorical answer: “Pretty much”. So basically it’s the real down-low types versus people with no balls and no accountability.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

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      • Noquay Says:

        I meant dedicated, serial cheaters on line for the purpose of seeking folk to cheat with vs. the garden variety, unhappily married who lack the whatever to get out of a bad marriage. They are very much two different animals.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 0

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    • BTownGirl Says:

      I totally agree! You can’t avoid encountering them, but anyone with 3/4 of an ounce of common sense will know something’s off pretty quickly. Whenever I see these stories like “I dated this guy for six months and had NO IDEA he was married!”, my side-eye goes all the way to the right. Even if they’re not involved elsewhere, no one should be putting up with someone who is absent for long stretches of time for no good reason.

      Your story (and, JESUS, that sucks) neatly illustrates why these people who share everything are idiots. I have exactly one picture of the outside of my house on Instagram, cropped in close and with no location tag, whereas I have Facebook friends that are so anxious to brag when they buy a new house, they have the whole front facade out there with the location. Ummmmm, they do know recently sold properties are public record, right? I can’t. I just can’t. And fuck the Google Maps Mobile too, while we’re at it!

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 0

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  4. bbdawg Says:

    I have the distinct impression men seem to enjoy this online thing regardless of whether they actually meet you in person or not. Statistically apparently 55% of people on Tinder are not single, so clearly they are not there to meet people. They don’t seem to view women on these websites are “real” people, much in the same way that women in porn are not “real” either.

    It’s all virtual. That’s why many of them say they “date younger” when they only matched with some woman 10 years younger once or twice, because fantasizing, to actualizing, is the point of this for many of them. Women, however, really want the “real” thing so there is a huge gap there.

    I could be wrong but I have the impression many of these men, like another commenter once said, are on Tinder for validation and masturbation, certainly not meeting people in person or “looking for relationships’. That’s why they are so blatant about this, they don’t really care.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 1

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    • Dave Says:

      “Men”…how about “some men”? :)

      I’ve been using online dating on and off since 2000 and as a straight guy I can assure you that there are plenty of nitwits of both genders online…including a few who were not exactly single.

      I remember in the early days there were way more men online than women…in fact it was 8 to 1 on one of the sites I used to use. I don’t know what the exact ratios are now but there has always (last I checked anyway) been a lot more men than women. And if a large percentage of the guys are indeed asshats, then there you go.

      There’s plenty of decent people of both genders online, just as there are in person. I think the combination of sifting through the pervs, time wasters and people wanting a perfect fantasy mate makes it difficult, but not impossible.

      I still have faith. :)

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 8 Thumb down 1

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