Question: Dear Moxie,
I would love to hear your thoughts. I will tell you the short version, then maybe a longer one to provide some context.
I am now 25, and had been in a relationship with someone in his 30’s for 2 years. About 6 months ago, he went on a trip to Asia with guy friends . About a week ago, at a party he hosted, one of his guy friends who was on the trip, said something to the effect of, “J – you know that girl you hooked up with in that club in X?” My ex later told me that he spent the night with a random girl while on the trip, and how sorry he was.
A longer version for context: I am the daughter of Mexican immigrants. I grew up in a trailer park in the central valley, and my parents picked vegetables and work odd end jobs. We did not have a lot – there were times our trailer part did not have running water. I never really dated – I worked and studied through high school, and went to college on a one of those merit based scholarships where your GPA drops, you are done. I pretty much just worked and studied my entire life. I started my PHD program here in the city about 2 years ago. I joined a dating app, as my friends all joked that I was headed to 30 year virgin territories (never been on a date at that time). I met J on the dating app. He was kind of whirl wind every since. He is very charismatic, very smart, and easy to love so to speak. We would sit on his roof and talk for hours. He is older. He just showed me so many things I had never seen/done before. I mention this as part of me recognize that I got a lot out of the
relationship that wasn’t just love and friendship. There were a lot of superficial things as well – like going to places, going to parties, and i had never know anyone who lived in a triplex on Crosby Street before (feel free to redact location). He has really interesting friends (like founders of companies that you hear about). So part of me wonder: how much of things did I *not* see because I wanted to have access to the *things*?
Now to the present. He apologized. He is so sorry. It did not mean anything. The one night doesn’t have anything to do with us. Then last night, a friend found him on a new dating app called Bumble, and his profile stated something like, “One thing I learned from my last relationship is to not care too much about how accomplished a girl is. Some Harvard PhDs are boring as hell.” I guess he is/was talking about me. I had to chuckle, and spent all of last night crying.
My question: honestly, was this really my fault? did I overlook things because I wanted the “things”? was this a rookie mistake? Was it all just a fake delusion? Was I in love with the glitter that wasn’t real?
You’re only sin was being inexperienced. The rest is on him. Hes a douchebag who hangs out with other douchebags, a red flag in its own right.
He’s used to being able to impress women with his money and flash. He relies on those things because that’s all he brings to the table. You were the fundamentally inferior to him non-threatening woman that men like that prefer. Women like you – inexperienced and unsophisticated – are exactly what guys like this need. Why? Because underneath the shell they’ve created, there’s just an empty void of nothing. Their personality sucks, they’re probably not that great in bed, they’re not terribly interesting, etc. They have to be with women who don’t have anything to compare them to so that they stay impressive for as long as possible.
He thinks you’re dumb and will believe him or will – at the very least – look the other way because of his status and accomplishments. See, he thinks that’s really what women care about, probably because that’s the only kind of women he’s ever dated. Young women. Inexperienced women. Women who grew up poor. He relies on their innocence and naivete. Meanwhile he’s off cheating or engaging in inappropriate behavior with other women. He’s expecting you to stick around because he thinks you’re stupid.
Prove him wrong by Girl, Bye-ing this douchebag.