Does He Just Want Something Casual Or Nah?

August 2nd, 2016

Casual Dating, Casual sex, NEW!


Name: CasualBlues
Question: I have been dating this guy for some time now who travels every other week for work. Initially I asked him what he was looking for and he said that he doesn’t always intend on a relationship that instead he prefers to get to know someone and see how the relationship will turn out.

One month later, I felt mixed signals so I asked if I am wasting my time. His response was that with his job he does not think he can get into a serious relationship.

So I am confused — does this mean he only wants casual? Is this possibly what he wanted all along?

Further — I am a curvier girl and I do believe that I have just been running into men who solely want casual? Is it because I’m a bigger girl?

Age: 25
So I am confused — does this mean he only wants casual? Is this possibly what he wanted all along?

Yes, it means he only wants casual. Yes, he probably wanted something casual all along.


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22 Responses to “Does He Just Want Something Casual Or Nah?”

  1. Parenting Says:

    There are a lot of men out there who want something casual until they find what they want. This happens to women of every shape and size. I suspect it is happening a lot to the OP because men are offering her casual relationships and she accepts them.

    If you are looking for a relationship and a date says anything along the lines of “I dont know what I want right now” or “I just came out of an LTR and am not ready for [whatever]” – anything that communicates vagueness or excuses especially if you’ve been dating a while – best to move on.

    • em Says:

      first sentence is a great point. and is it just me or do men seem to know almost right away when they find what they want and tend to commit quickly if that’s the case?

      • Parenting Says:

        Just my opinion, but I think its the same for both men and women. I think we all know pretty close to right away if someone falls into one of these 4 categories: long term potential, short term potential, not sure, and no way. Its just that a lot of women either don’t care for casual sex or see very few men as having short term potential because they have very high standards for casual partners while men generally aren’t as picky.

  2. BTownGirl Says:

    Yeah, he gave you the ol’ disclaimer right upfront, so I can confidently say it had nothing, and I mean nothing, to do with the size of your behind. People over a size 2 start serious relationships/get married every single frickin’ day. If you go into dating feeling like the way you look is some kind of a liability (I guarantee you, it isn’t – you’re 25!), you’re not going to make the greatest decisions. The lesson here is that when people give you a whole Terms & Conditions spiel upfront, it doesn’t bode well.

  3. Rocky Says:

    This size thing needs to be nipped in the bud right now.

    OP, you don’t have to think you’re perfect. You don’t have to stop trying to improve yourself. But you have GOT to believe – truly believe – that you’re capable of getting a relationship just the way you are. You HAVE to believe someone when they say they want you. No reservations because of your body. If you can’t do this, you will sabotage the good relationships.

    Now, this obviously has nothing to do with this particular guy, who just wanted something casual and didn’t really want her. But based on the body-type throw in at the end, I could see the OP going down this road in the future unless she improves her perspective.

    • KK Says:

      The issue with thinking that guys might reject you for your looks is that you are far more likely to accept shitty behavior than if you are satisfied with yourself.

      The fact is that people who are ugly or who are fat or who have very low self esteem get into great relationships all the time. But if you don’t feel good about yourself it is a lot more difficult.

      This guy was never interested. And maybe it did have something to do with your looks. But so what? There is someone out there who will adore you exactly as you are.

      • Rocky Says:

        If you don’t feel good about yourself, you may well hear criticism or slights where none exist, create intimacy issues, or otherwise drive good men away. Perhaps this is rare, but I know it exists because I have been on the wrong side of it.

        KK, the point in your first paragraph is probably valid as well, but it read like you we’re disagreeing. If not, carry on.

        • KK Says:

          I am sorry you have been through that, Rocky. I was disagreeing with you to an extent. Yeah, low self esteem can lead someone to sabotage a great relationship. But people with low self esteem HAVE great relationships. I point this out only because women receive the message that they need to be all these things before they have a great relationship But while self esteem makes choosing a great guy more likely, it can happen without feeling good.

          • Dave Says:

            KK, can you elaborate a little? I would like to hear more about your thoughts and experiences on this. I’ve had many friendships and a few romantic relationships fall apart due to the other person having low self esteem…especially if they are depressed and not good at communicating.

            I can imagine that if a very patient and caring person came along the person who was down could be happy or flourish in the relationship. But there are a lot of other factors that would come into play as well…so I don’t think there is a black or white answer here…but again, I’m curious to hear more of your thoughts on this.

            • KK Says:

              What I was getting at was that there is this narrative now that women should have their shit together and then get into a relationship or otherwise they will end up alone or with a jerk.

              But we all know this isn’t true as there are women with low self esteem in good relationships. And I think giving that narrative, oh, women need to be happy with themselves before they can be in a good relationship puts a lot of pressure on women.

              And it is bs. Women can enter a relationship and have low self esteem. Low self esteem makes it more difficult but it is possible.

              I think that good communication is really important and the knowledge that a relationship might not heal the person. It can be so so healing but t might not, and that is important. As is that both people love and appreciate the other for who they are

              • em Says:

                seconding this. I hate all the “you can’t be loved til you love yourself/are happy being single” etc. nonsense out there. I know tons of train wrecks of both genders who are with great, (albeit, often long suffering!) spouses. I think a lot of it is just luck of meeting the right person at the right time but that makes it hard to feel like you’re in charge hence why I think the self improvement route is touted so much.

  4. Eliza Says:

    From all the feedback here, the bottom line is that, self-acceptance and confidence go a very long way…not in changing a man’s intentions or mind per se, but in how to choose a compatible mate, and yes, by being able to decipher what is meant when someone tells you (upfront no less)–I am not sure what I want, or I am just coming out of a relationship, or still finding myself, bla bla bla. Somehow these people “lost themselves” where? I don’t know! lol…but they are lost…why go in that vague road with them if you know what you want and need? It’s a time waster. Move on, right away. No need to speculate further, or ponder the why’s or whether your body shape, hair, eye color or height have anything to do with their position. In this case, the guy says upfront that “with his line of work, he is unable to commit”…bla bla bla. I have also found that one way to manipulate around any commitment is to use one’s work/position/demanding career. Some men AND women will just have some absurd disclaimer (Upfront) – that they tend to travel…and at a moment’s notice too…so they lead unpredictable, spontaneous lives. When in fact, they may not travel at all….you never know the truth. This way–it’s an easy out. Hey, they were out of town, and no cell service was available, whatever. These disclaimers should be viewed as red flags. Read between the lines. The font is in HUGE print.

  5. No Disrespect Says:

    Ok. So you may have known this guy for several months, but how many “dates” have you gone on? Real dates… dinner/movies/whatever where you are one on one in public; or you’re at larger events together as a couple? Not booty calls. Does he call you his girlfriend to others? Because I sense that what he’s saying is right: Although it’s the most awkward way of putting it, you need to get to know each other better as people before you take the next step to say that you’re exclusive. So, yes, dating does start out “casual.” Until it’s not.

    As far as your curviness/self esteem, I’ll defer to everyone above.

    • Parenting Says:

      She asked him what he was looking for in general terms not with her specifically and his answer was basically “sometimes i like casual relationships” then he was never considering her for anything serious, imo.

  6. Lulu Vuitton Says:

    I miss Fuzilla. You scolded her and she hasn’t posted since. Why do you attack people when you ask them for feedback?

    • ATWYSingle Says:

      She was asked to refrain from commenting on ONE post. If that bothered her so much that she took her toys and left the sandbox, good riddance. This blog doesn’t exist to give her something to do all day. She’s given a great deal of leeway around here as it is.

      • DrivingMeNutes Says:

        Maybe Fuzilla was overcome by the gravitational pull of the singularity she created when she replied to herself one too many times. No worries, she is probably patiently waiting for us about 100 years in the future.

        I too miss the great D / Fuzilla “debates” almost as much as I miss the Paula / Chuckrock dialogues of ancient times.

        Free Saj.

    • BTownGirl Says:

      Dude, it’s not attacking anyone to say “I am really looking to hear from people of color on this one.”

  7. ann Says:

    How in the hell are you confused when someone tells you upfront they don’t have time for you? Too many of these women who write these letters about how confused they are need to reread them before they send them. They answer their own questions, the men answer the questions and they still write to see if someone can look into the crystal ball and unconfuse this poor man who doesn’t know what he wants after he tells them he doesn’t want them.

    • Eliza Says:

      Hi Ann–No. THE man in this situation, DOES now what he wants…and he also knows what he does NOT want…he is being indirect, but quite telling–by being vague, evasive and non-committal. If women choose to turn the blind eye – and not hear the truth or able to read the large print between the lines, so be it. It’s their own fault for not going with their instinct. We have women’s intuition…we should use it. Even the busiest person finds the time to stay in touch when genuinely interested. With modern technology–this is even less of an issue–Facetime, Skype, etc. Know plenty of men that travel…yet find a way of seeing people when they are vested.

    • em Says:

      wishful thinking often plays a part… we all know or know of at least one serial dater who eventually did fall in love and settle down so it can create false hope (although those instances are the exception that proves the rule, as they say, denial is not just a river in Egypt…)

      I’ve found this isn’t exclusive to women, either. When I was single and mostly into casual dating, I’d tell guys up front I was not interested in anything serious and wanted to continue seeing other people and they’d agree only to freak out weeks later when they realized I really meant what I said.

  8. BostonRobin Says:

    I’m confused too, on the timeline. You’ve been dating him for a month? But he’s away for work every other week? Or has it been a few months and now he’s sending mixed signals?

    Either way, it sounds like time to bail. Relationships need to keep moving forward at a mostly steady pace to succeed. Yes, ups and downs, but it should look like the graph for a solid investment that shows the upward trend.

    OP, it’s not you, it’s him not wanting to be with you, period. Don’t worry about your weight unless it bothers you, then handle it in a healthy manner. Lots of morbidly obese people end up in relationships. Also physically and emotionally abusive people, active drug addicts, chronically unemployed, PRISON CONVICTS, etc.

    I’m all for self-improvement, but if you’re reasonably normal looking and decent and someone doesn’t want to be with you, find someone else!

    You’re 25. You just need to learn to say NO and walk away from nonsense.

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