Are Second Dates A Thing Of The Past?

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Name: Anonymous
:
Question: Please, be tactful with your response. I went on a first date  (probably last) with someone I met online. I thought it was fabulous. Conversation was intellectually stimulating, and the guy really seemed interested in me, and even smitten. He asked me if I was seeing someone and what I was looking for. In his profile he had said he wanted a committed relationship, so I felt encouraged to say I was looking for that too, and I was very candid with my answer. He said he wanted to see me again. After dinner, we went for a stroll, and he asked me if he could kiss me. I’ve never kissed anyone on a first date. But I liked him a lot, and he seemed sincere. We kissed on the lips. We kept talking and then he walked me to the station. He kissed me again when we said goodbye. I sent him a thank-you text on the train, and he replied he had enjoyed himself as well. I read his last text the following morning, and I replied. And he has gone radio-silent ever since. And I do have a strong hunch he won’t ever contact me back. Where did I go wrong? Am I an easy woman for letting him kiss me on the lips? The text? I am 41 and he’s over 50. Maybe he wasn’t smitten after all, and he was just under the influence of two drinks? Sorry, it is what it is. Some people can still be innocent at an advanced age.
Age: 41

I doubt you did anything wrong. This is the nature of online dating. When he was in the moment, he wanted to see you again. Ish. He wanted-ish to see you again. Then he got home and hopped online and, well, you know the rest. Unfortunately he probably wasn’t as into you as you were into him.

I don’t know when this date occurred, but it could be that he just hasn’t gotten around to asking you out again. Though, I have to say the fact that he didn’t set up a second date at the end of the first or mention a second date in that text exchange is – to me – a bad sign.

I’d write this guy off. Your story is a common one: a date goes swimmingly, an interest in getting together again is expressed, and then  POOF! I’m sorry to say that this is a universal and common experience. It is part of the reason why people are so frustrated and burnt out by digital dating.  I’ve said this once before: at this point people need to go out on three or four dates before they can begin to relax.

 

Thoughts?

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60 Responses to “Are Second Dates A Thing Of The Past?”

  1. Bill Says:

    It really depends upon what you texted him the following morning. If it was just “lol” to something he texted the previous night, after the date, then he figures you were blowing him off.

    Some here don’t like it, but the next morning/day “joe, thank you again, I had a great time last night” text is about as surefire a way to get asked for a second date IF it’s to be had. Like you, most guys have been on the first date that they thought went well, or even great, but didn’t get that next morning/day text. They asked for a second date anyway and get bumpkus. My own experience was no next day text (or a meh text), absolutely 0% chance of a second date. If there was an enthusiastic next day text, nearly 100% success in getting a second date.

    I figured it out pretty quickly and stopped asking women who didn’t text the following morning/day. I’m pretty confident, but nobody wants sure (or nearly sure) rejection from someone they’ve met.

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    • BTownGirl Says:

      I disagree. She followed up right away to say she had a great time and, if he’s such a delicate flower that he took a hypothetical (because nowhere here does she say this is the case) short response as a kiss-off, then she’s still done nothing wrong. Not everyone comes off as super enthusiastic/witty/affectionate over text and I really wouldn’t use that as a deciding factor. I’m guessing there are a lot of people who worry about coming off too eager as well. If someone sends the text to say thank you, why not just ask them out on a second date? If it is a blow-off, they’ll decline.

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      • Bill Says:

        “…She followed up right away to say she had a great time…”

        Where did you make this up from? She neither says that in her OP, nor in her follow-up comments below… she responded to a joke in his text from the night before. Sounds like there was other stuff going on as well for this particular OP.

        Regardless, it is a thing and was quite the norm in my area when I was dating. Don’t want to do it? Then don’t. But you will be missing out on some second dates from guys who interpret it as a big red “not interested” signal.

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        • ATWYSingle Says:

          Jesus. Here we go again with you reading shit into a post that isn’t there. She replied the next morning to a text he sent. Even if she did the “lol” thing she still showed plenty of signs of interest the night before. Don’t hurt yourself reaching for reasons to blame her.

          Bottom line: the guy was either up to no good and cheating or was already dating someone else and decided to see where things went with that woman. Or he was just looking to get laid and buttered her up hoping she’d sleep with him. She did nothing wrong.

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        • Tinker Says:

          The OP’s exact words: I sent him a thank-you text on the train, and he replied he had enjoyed himself as well.
          So she followed up right away, i.e. while on the train before she even got home. What more would you have her do?

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          • Selena Says:

            “So she followed up right away, i.e. while on the train before she even got home. What more would you have her do?”

            She also kissed him on the date, and kissed him again goodbye. If she has basic manners, she probably thanked him at the venue, when they parted, or both. Then the thank you text before she ever got home. That is a lot of “green lights”.

            She should have sent a super enthusiastic text the next morning as well, just in case some fellow IN HIS 50’S missed all the above social cues?

            Sheesh Bill.

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            • BTownGirl Says:

              For real! I didn’t sweat crafting the perfect thank you text after my first date with my boyfriend, because I’d made out with him in the damn car when he drove me home. I figured feeling him up was enough of an expression of interest that I could skate by with “Thank you for a lovely dinner – I had a really great time!” I mean, if a woman lets you feel a boob and whatnot, you don’t need to waste your time counting characters.

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        • BTownGirl Says:

          Where did I say I had a problem with thank you texts or didn’t send them myself? As for “missing out”, I’m fortunate to have a wonderful boyfriend who didn’t judge me on whether or not my texts were long enough.

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          • Bill Says:

            “Where did I say I had a problem with thank you texts or didn’t send them myself?”

            Mea culpa.

            BTG, I had you confused with another regular who argued in the past that it wasn’t a “thing”.

            And, not the only thing I mangled on this one… more like, what did I not mangle? Lol!

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            • BTownGirl Says:

              I get it – personally, I don’t send work emails before 7am because they’ll either read like I got drunk, high as a kite, or drunk and then subsequently high as a kite. We’ve all been there!

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      • Eliza Says:

        I agree with BTown…that’s the thing with something as impersonal as texting…it’s nearly impossible to express one’s enthusiasm without attaching those absurd emojis! Childish. The OP did express interest, soon after and didn’t play any “catch me if you can” games. She did nothing wrong. Went with her gut, and kissed the guy. The man just had a change of heart, perhaps went online, and figured, “Hey, I can do better, yadda yadda yadda, and went online Shopping”. Happens. All. the. Time. The case of “perhaps there’s something better around the corner”…only to find that nope…not the case! lol

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    • Rocky Says:

      I have gotten some effusive thank you texts from women that turned down my request for a second date. (Usually via the blow off.) They mean nothing. That is why I no longer wait for such a text. I just ask her out again if I want to.

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  2. Dark Sarcasm Says:

    “… Please, be tactful with your response.”

    I’m sensing some high maintenance. Might’ve turned him off from jump.

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  3. Malienation Says:

    She’s concerned that she might be considered easy because she kissed on the first date? I dunno, that seems like an odd worry in this day and age, especially for a woman that’s only 41. She might be giving off an overly conservative vibe, although she didn’t say where online she met him. Unless she is on a site that specifically caters to people that conservative, this might be part of the problem.

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    • Anonymous Says:

      OP here. I met him on match. I requested you guys to be gentle, because I am aware I am bit old, and I might be asking something obvious for everyone else. Or being concerned about a kiss on the lips. Gee… high maintenance? He exclaimed I was a cheap date: I only had a glass of wine, and he ate most of the appetizers we ordered…

      The text I sent the following morning was in response to his joke that he was glad I had made it safely despite the massive amounts of wine I had (one glass as I said). The night before he was answering very promptly.

      And btw, now I saw his profile is unavailable. I swear I haven’t tried to reach out to him…

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      • ? Says:

        Well then, seeing that is profile is unavailable, it seems he may have found “true love” in that space of time following your date. Or he could’ve given his ex another chance or reconnected with an old love. Or he could’ve had an emotional breakdown or scared off online dating for good due to some nutjob. Whatever the reason, you can be rest assured it has nothing to do with you.

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        • Anonymous Says:

          Match gives me this message “the profile you are looking for is not available,” but I can still see the beginning of the profile. Could he have blocked me? But we had been corresponding offline… And I haven’t attempted to reach him…

          I noticed he updated his age: 5 years older than I thought he was at the time of our correspondence and even the date. I try to see it as a consolation. That makes him almost 20 years older than I am, and the age difference is a bit too much for me.

          I can’t help it but I feel I’ve been hurt twice. I know it may sound like too much drama for just one date and a kiss. But well, as I said, I had never kissed on a first date, and I really liked him. I don’t get this sad with other dates that don’t go nowhere. I’ll recover. Thanks.

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          • Parenting Says:

            Some guys will block you so you cant check up on them pn the site. Others will block you as soon as they decide they arent going to keep dating you. He probably did block you. He sounds kind of weird and flighty.

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            • Anonymous Says:

              According to match.com there is no way for me to know if I have been blocked. That “profile unavailable” means another thing. But how interesting that thumbnail now showed a different age (5 years older). It’s more an ego thing right now. He led me on, he lied about his interest in me, he liked about his age, and now he might be even blocking me when I haven’t done anything! I know, it will pass, but it stinks. And it stinks more because when you run a search… the supply of guys is not exactly awesome…

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          • BostonRobin Says:

            You can’t block people from seeing your profile on Match. Blocking just keeps you from getting their messages or winks or seeing them on the site, if I recall correctly.

            I believe that “profile unavailable” means they removed their profile. Since you corresponded with him you still get partial information.

            When I was on Match I noticed this sort of thing after someone went “poof” without explanation. Also after someone DID explain that she met someone and was removing her profile, just wanted to wish me well. I think there’s a skeleton profile that you’ll see in your messages for a while after it’s removed, then it disappears.

            I did notice a difference between what I saw after someone told me she removed her profile and what I saw when I assumed she had hidden it. My memory fails as to the exact difference since I haven’t been on the site for some time.

            You’re not missing out on anything by getting rid of this guy. He’s either married or just plain Avoidant–typical push/pull behavior. You might even get a text from him in a few days, which you would do well to ignore.

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            • Anonymous Says:

              Yes, I am pretty sure this is the case, and he had told me about a complicated situation that almost made me cancel the date. But he was persuasive. I take his coming clean with his age just before deactivating the profile as an “apology” for not having the courage to explain to me what happened. I think someone saw us and gave him crap. I had mixed feelings the first days, now I really feel sorry for him. And I also know it is not wise to go an demand an explanation. This town is big but not as big, and I really don’t want to be in his wrong side. I don’t get anything humiliating him, I think he already feels bad. Thanks!

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        • Selena Says:

          If is profile became unavailable shortly after your date, I would wonder if he actually was available to begin with.

          Maybe he “had someone” and was online to see what else was out there? Then decided to stick with what he had – for now.

          You are unlikely to ever know what was going on with him, but it doesn’t appear YOU did anything wrong.

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          • Anonymous Says:

            It’s weird, because it doesn’t appear as “hidden profile.” And yes, the date was last Thursday, and I noticed the changes in his age and profile status last night, after I wrote my first post in here. Thanks for the comforting words, and sorry for the typos and grammar. English is my second language. Crap, it still hurts.

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            • ? Says:

              Yeah,it does. Even when the guy was absolute crap. Worse when you see him ss a potential match. Look it happened to me too.We weren’t a match but I tried hard to be nice and polite. We parted on friendly terms. The site made it clear I was blocked. It felt like a slap in the face at first until a friend suggested that he probably targeted so many women he needed to remind himself who he had been unsuccessful with before.Men change their minds about women all the time and sometimes they appear heartless doing so, but usually they are just going about their own thing blithely and blissfully focussed on themselves alone. They probably feel they owe you nothing if you just met once, or even not at all.

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              • ATWYSingle Says:

                The other problem is that when you get to be a woman in her late thirties and older, the good and really good dates are few and far between. I totally get why she was disappointed because it’s very rare for women our age to meet anybody on those sites even half-way decent.

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          • Eliza Says:

            I agree with Selena. On OKC, I noticed the same thing…I would get messages from men on say a Monday, eventhough I don’t bother to reply…and by the next day viola…they are no longer available, their profile is off! lol…why? Because girlfriend or wifey perhaps found out–and there you go – drama! Which nobody needs and everybody claims to not create. Yeah, right. Those sites are inundated with unhappily married folks or people in dysfunctional relationships–who are trying to test the waters…see what’s “out there”…but then go back running to what they have. Drama.

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            • Anonymous Says:

              Yes, of course I’ll move on. No other options here. Just still choking with this pill… like aspirin with no water. It seems the guy changed his age, but then deactivated the account. It is a mystery to me why he would do that right after the date with me. He told me he had been in match for one month. He comes out clean right after meeting me.

              But even if it’s a glitch, and he’s blocking me… Just like Selena says, is it necessary? It sounds a bit paranoid to me.

              It is just surreal. And indeed, he deserves an Oscar. He totally fooled me. Oh well…

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              • D. Says:

                So, here’s the thing. You’re really, really, really focused on trying to explain what happened here. My guess is that this is because you’re suffering from a bit of cognitive dissonance. It’s…unsettling to you that your perception of the date could be so off, given what followed.

                But the simple fact is that this kind of thing happens all the time. It’s a regular occurrence that one will go out on a date, think everyone had a wonderful time, suggest a second date (or indicate receptiveness to such a suggestion), and then….radio silence. Or an outright rejection, even.

                It’s really frustrating, but it shouldn’t cause cognitive dissonance. You shouldn’t be left — consciously or unconsciously — questioning your own judgment or trying to figure out exactly what the hell happened. At least, not past a certain point.

                There’s also no reason to try to spin out explanations for the other person’s behavior. You will never, ever know the real reason why you and he didn’t go out again. He’s not going to tell you, and even if he did, he might well just lie to you.

                As for him maybe blocking you….who cares? You’re never going to see him again either way. Does it matter if he blocks you? It shouldn’t. Because, as said, you’re never going to see him again either way.

                Focus, instead, on what you know for certain, without a doubt: he’s not into you to the degree that you’re into him, and he doesn’t appear to want to get together again. End. Of. Story.

                That’s really all you need to know. The “why” of the situation is irrelevant. He’s not into you because…

                – He’s a Russian spy who was just recalled by his handlers.
                – He’s deathly allergic to your shampoo.
                – He hates dogs and is terrified to tell you, so it’s just easier to disappear.
                – He just wanted sex.
                – He can’t have sex.
                – He’s a robot.
                – He was killed by a falling piece of Skylab.

                It could be any of the above or something else entirely, and the answer is still the same: dude ain’t callin’ for a second date.

                So, really, as I said, that’s all you need to know. Because why waste your time focused on trying to explain the behavior of someone who isn’t interested in you? Why spend energy trying to unlock a riddle that you’ll never solve, when that riddle is about someone who isn’t even into you?

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                • Anonymous Says:

                  Dude, I noticed the change in his profile/account after I posted my question here. Get it? I first posted to ask people with more experience with online dating if I had done something wrong, so I don’t repeat the mistake. Get it? Okay. Cheers.

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                  • D. Says:

                    And yet, you are, in your own words “still choking with this pill… like aspirin with no water,” and focusing on how what he said doesn’t match what he did and how it’s a “mystery”.

                    I’m telling you it doesn’t matter, and you should just move on. You say you are moving on. Your continued musing on why he did what he did says otherwise.

                    Put the guy and the situation out of your mind. Neither is worth the analysis and energy.

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                    • Parenting Says:

                      What D said. It does sound a little bit like you are fixating.

                      Suppose the dude wanted to see if his options would improve if he shaved 5 years of his age. Then some date he liked went off on him because he lied about his age so he changed his age back or whatever. Who cares? If you want to feel vindicated, that is pretty weird behavior. Sorry this made you feel sucky but no point in continuing to dissect this one. We’ve all had that date who is like “WOW! You are amazing and I can’t wait to see you again!” followed by radio silence. Several of them actually.

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                    • Anonymous Says:

                      I stopped talking about the issue yesterday… trying to follow your advice and move on… Thanks.

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                    • Tinker Says:

                      Wow, you got nasty pretty quickly Anonymous. D didn’t deserve that reaction.

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                    • Anonymous Says:

                      I said thanks… my goodness.

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      • Eliza Says:

        To the OP–you did nothing wrong. So, don’t lose any sleep over this one. He may have just gone out for the night–to break away from some current drama…had a great time…but when he got home, he realized he couldn’t end his present situation, or is fishing back on the site. Who knows. It can be a host of things. Take it at face value…and don’t second guess your actions. I find what people say and do 99% doesn’t coincide anyway. This is why dating in general, online and otherwise can be frustrating…but it’s all par of the course. Move on.

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  4. Parenting Says:

    He was having a good time and thought he wanted to see you again. Then he got home and was like, nah it was just ok, I’ll pass. I know it sucks when you really like the guy, but this happens all the time with dating. Not your fault.

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  5. Dalia Says:

    Some other dating blogger and “expert” who I won’t name, but has been named here before, says that men are “In the moment” on first dates. They have fun. They like you. They find you attractive. They want to hug or kiss you. They may want to sleep with you. They are in the moment and want that moment to be enjoyable.

    When they get home, the moment has passed and they decide if the moment was enjoyable enough to do again. 99.9% it’s usually “Nope.” There are shiny, new, pretty things to find and enjoy moments with back on the dating site. Depressing, but sadly the way it works.

    After I understood this the “didn’t ask for a second date” thing completely stopped bothering me and I learned to enjoy a first date and end it without any expectations. And, I was pleasantly surprised when one guy actually did ask for a second date third date, fourth and fifth date (it stopped there, but, you know, these things usually do).

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  6. Ben Iyyar Says:

    ATWYS writes, “I’ve said this once before: at this point people need to go out on three or four dates before they can begin to relax.” This is such good advice I have nothing to add!

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  7. DrivingMeNutes Says:

    I know we’re supposed to be gentle, but what if the solution to the problem requires truth?

    I don’t think it’s helpful to look at this as a “blame” issue. No one did anything “wrong.” I think it’s a very real possibility that the guy lost interest in the OP because… well, he didn’t really like her. Getting this giddy or excited over a kiss on the mouth after a first date, unless you are literally a teenager, and even then, is a real sign of inexperience and immaturity. Maybe palpably so. Sorry. To paraphrase a well-known essayist, in 2016, a kiss on a first date is included in the standard model. It’s pretty much a necessary, but not a sufficient, condition for a second date.

    The only reason people need to create this whole imaginary backstory about him testing the waters, or he’s dating someone, or he’s in a relationship, is because nobody wants to admit that, gee, MAYBE IT’S HER. If I got a weird vibe after a first date, I would not say anything nasty, I would respond to a thank you and then never respond again. I wouldn’t view the kiss as remotely a big deal. And, I might block the person on a dating site if I thought they would contact me. Who cares? This is not indicative of a sociopath. Just a guy who’s not really interested. Am I on another planet again?

    Again, not that OP did something “wrong,”but JFC there may be things the OP can change that will make her more attractive. This palliative advice does no one any good.

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    • Anonymous Says:

      Man, you are so kind. So cool of you to go after me, call me immature when I am starting my OP begging for some patience in case I was asking something that could be to obvious for people my age or younger than me. You pretty much twisted what I said. I wasn’t giddy. The one that seemed giddy was my date. But whatever. You just take the contrarian and rude side, and say nothing about a guy who 72 hours after the date decided to come clean with his age (all of a sudden he’s 60). He had been a month in the website, and suddenly remembers he’s being turning years after a date with me.

      My basic question was: did I look too eager and easy for accepting to be kissed on the lips? Did I look to eager for texting thanks on the train?

      You remind me of certain presidential candidate. Cheers

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      • DrivingMeNutes Says:

        Yep. You caught him In a huge lie. Clearly he is a married con-artist and never had any intention of anything with you other than sex and maybe to empty your bank account. The only person worse than him is me. Better?

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        • Anonymous Says:

          I can tell you he didn’t need any money from me or anyone else. I really don’t see why you find so much fun in trolling. To each its own.

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    • fuzzilla Says:

      I think your advice is spot-on if there’s a pattern. If she’s never getting anywhere with any guy, then she’s the common denominator and could stand to do some personal inventory (“Hmm, maybe I could hit the gym, dress better…maybe I DO interrupt a lot…”).

      But just one guy? Analyzing every one-off date to death will just make you nuts and want to quit. Because it really is possible she did nothing wrong. It really is possible that that one guy was just be the wrong guy and the next one will think she’s the bee’s knees, for all we know.

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      • DrivingMeNutes Says:

        I think it’s fair to say as a 41 year old woman that her focus on a kiss on the OMG lips makes her a bit unusual. She should be aware of that and how that might come across to others. She doesn’t appear to be. I agree that this is just one guy who shouldn’t matter. So why is she seeking gentle advice from the Internet of all places.

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        • fuzzilla Says:

          Yeah, true. Maybe she’s just inexperienced and with experience will come tempered expectations.

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        • Anonymous Says:

          I don’t owe anyone an explanation, but let’s just day I am on the conservative side, and I definitely go on fewer dates than people here. So yes, I don’t have much experience with online dating. I have been married before, and I have been in committed relationships. But there are things that maybe obvious to all the enlightened people here but not to me, and that’s why I was asking. I don’t know many people who do the online thing, and I have found this site pretty insightful. So now I will go and whip myself because I am so silly and innocent.

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          • ? Says:

            I’m sorry to say, but with your thin skin, maybe online dating is not for you…….

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            • Anonymous Says:

              Well, no… I agree that I have to grow a thicker skin and learn quite a bit, but I have had decent experiences (6 or 7 since I signed up), and even though they didn’t turn into steady relationships, I cannot complain. This episode in particular hurt for several reasons and for the weirdness, I must say.
              Most people here replied to my question and stuck to the point and respected my request, while others just completely ignored my request for patience and lashed out nonetheless.

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        • Eliza Says:

          DMN…perhaps the OP is new to dating…and she has been in a long term relationship and just inexperienced to this online nonsense. Which is why she prefaced her post by stating to be a bit more patient.

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      • Anonymous Says:

        I usually agree with what you have to say, but I don’t think there is a pattern. I generally go on more than just one date and then we figure out we are not a good match. I think I dressed correctly, I am quite slender and very active. Unfortunately, I cannot change the fact that English is my second language and being Hispanic. And he commended my English and I could tell he understood my accent. But the date lasted 5 hours and we were in a very visible restaurant downtown. My date didn’t seem ashamed of me at all. On the contrary. So I was asking about my behavior and the things I can change. Unless you tell me I should stop running or go to speech therapy.

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    • Selena Says:

      Is it common for people to block someone from seeing their profile if they only went out once?

      I get it if the date was really bad, but if it was “okay, just not that interested”, why bother?

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      • Tinker Says:

        I think it’s possible it’s somewhat common, especially if they ghosted and don’t want their ex-date to see any of their profile updates and the like.
        On it’s face it seems a bit extreme, I used to think Blocking was reserved for people who had done something wrong or unsavory, but when I look at it in a different light I kind of get it. I hope the OP realizes she shouldn’t take it personally.

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        • Selena Says:

          That’s along the lines of what I was thinking. One blocks someone from their phone, email, Facebook, etc. because that person did something wrong or unsavory.

          Why block someone after a benign date? A preventive measure? Because someone is too chicken shit to write “I don’t think we are a match, sorry.” if they are contacted?

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          • ATWYSingle Says:

            Holy fucking jesus christ.

            HE DIDN’T BLOCK HER. He probably deleted his profile or Anon is just confused. The amount of inane analysis this situation is getting is unwarranted. There’s no need for it. He’s not coming back. You’re never going to see him again. Stop analyzing him.

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  8. AC Says:

    “Getting this giddy or excited over a kiss on the mouth after a first date, unless you are literally a teenager, and even then, is a real sign of inexperience and immaturity.”

    Thank you for injecting some sanity into this conversation! Furthermore…

    “To paraphrase a well-known essayist, in 2016, a kiss on a first date is included in the standard model. It’s pretty much a necessary, but not a sufficient, condition for a second date.”

    As Moxie points out, “people are so frustrated and burnt out by digital dating” that what amounted to a genuine connection 4-5 years ago no longer holds water.

    I don’t think the OP did anything wrong. Trying to analyze what she did or did not do is an exercise in futility. I really believe people are so sick of online dating that unless there are instantaneous sparks, a second date is far from guaranteed.

    There’s nothing else left to discuss.

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  9. Bree Says:

    The date was giddy and he said he was looking for a commited ltr because he was trying to get you to sleep with him. His joke about you being a “cheap date” is telling: You only drank one wine, so didn’t lose your inhibitions, and didn’t allow him to spend on anything more than just appetizers to make you feel obligated. Guess you weren’t so “cheap” after all. In any case, even if you did more than kiss him, he wouldn’t have called for second date anyway. To the majority of men online, women over 35 are good for little more than a few sex sessions.

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