If He Says He Just Wants An FWB, Believe Him

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Name: donna

:
Question: i met a guy online we txted for 7 months before we met, (oct to may), he told me we were FWB, but his actions were antithetical to this, the first night we met at my house OK, it was sex and it was great cause when I finally met him, i felt like i already knew him (FIRST MISTAKE), after that he acted so romantic, told me it was going to be a full moon how about the beach night, kept talking about the full moon, sending me pics of the moon he was taking me to the beach he built a fire we had an amazing night, after that he kept sending me random full moon pics, but before all this and during our friendship, we knew everything about each other our txt conversations weren’t just superficial, they were full of personal info about his life my life his kids my daughter, his divorce and settlement, and yes we were intimate too, sexting.   we got together a few more times, and the next to last time we met, he wanted to go to the beach for sunset but we missed it and he took me out
to eat and then we went to the beach we were intimate and we went back to my house.  everytime he came we just stayed up all night, him pleasing me.  the last time we met was a week ago, we went to the ballgame went back to my house where he proceeded to tell me he had absolutely NO feelings for me.  why all the romantic stuff? why he drove over 2 hours to see me? why he spent 7 months before he agreed to meet?  that night i txt him and i said (paraphrasing) i enjoy our time together and this has nothing to do with that, since we are just friends…i see couples together and i get jealous cause i want that i want someone to stand up for me and catch me if i fall…but i know ill never have that why i don’t know but i keep hope alive.  after that, nothing, he just disappeared. i guess i thought he was what he was, funny, sarcastic, romantic and i just thought he liked me but didnt know or want to admit it. all the men i spoke to told me those are bf/gf things, the beach the romance
the moon the pics but i guess i was wrong, anyway, i just thought maybe this seemed different than most Fwb situation, but id like your take.  thanks
Age: 58

why all the romantic stuff?

Here’s why none of that matters:

he told me we were FWB

My take is he told you upfront not to expect anything and you ignored that warning.  All the other stuff, like the nights on the beach and whatnot? They’re all voided out by his disclaimer that he was only looking for friends with benefits with you.

Why do guys do that? Personally, I think they feel like they have to dress the scenario up a bit to make it feel less transactional. As we’ve discussed before, at least in my experience, men aren’t all that comfortable with a woman who’s just like, “Come on over and let’s fuck.” So they throw in the dignity dinners and walks on the beach just to make it seem a little less sleazy.

but before all this and during our friendship, we knew everything about each other

Yeah, no you didn’t. You knew what he told and that’s it. And please, 7 months of texting is not a friendship. The fact that it took him 7 months to meet you was all you needed to know. If he had really been games to meet you, he would have met you sooner.

why he drove over 2 hours to see me? why he spent 7 months before he agreed to meet? 

Because he was low on options. He only engaged you for those 7 months to keep one in the chamber, so to speak. He invested minimal effort (and believe me, it was minimal) to keep you invested. That way, when he’s a little desperate, he can call you and ask you to go out.

In the future, if a man says he’s just looking for an FWB, believe him. He’s not lying or playing coy or afraid to fall for you or whatever garbage you read on ladyblogs. He just wants to have sex occasionally. End of.

 

 

Thoughts?

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13 Responses to “If He Says He Just Wants An FWB, Believe Him”

  1. The D-man Says:

    Moxie’s right. I’m (a man) a bit of a romantic, even with FWBs, so nothing he’s done seems out of the ordinary to me.

    Though… I wouldn’t have totally gone dark on OP like he did unless she was acting like a stage 5 clinger. I feel like if you stick your dick in someone, they deserve empathetic treatment at a minimum.

    (Up to a point: the flip side is the guy from yesterday, who felt like he had to detail all her flaws.)

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    • Beta Male Says:

      The thing about about FWB is that it means “Friends With Benefits.” Friends do things together; friends are social together. Friends with benefits implies friendship. A “hookup” is just faceless sex; you have sex then you both move one. FWB means he wants to know you as a person but he doesn’t want to provide the emotional commitment. A “relationship” is where someone is willing to make oneself emotionally vulnerable. That’s why a FWB is willing to hang out but not willing to risk oneself emotionally.

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      • Eliza Says:

        Let’s face it…who really benefits with a FWB scenario? Men do…that’s who. Most women are wired to get emotionally connected when getting intimate…especially if it’s ongoing, coupled with even the tiniest bit of romantic gestures, such as that depicted by the OP here. The sooner women understand that, the better. And the guy was upfront by verbally stating – this will only be a FWB arrangement. Take it at face value, and stop trying to change the dynamic or think you can change a man’s perspective on things.

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        • D. Says:

          That’s not strictly true. Women can and do benefit from FWB situations (A) IF they are realistic about their own emotional needs in general and in the specific situation, and (B) IF they can recognize when those needs shift and can decide to walk away.

          FWB situations are basically casual dating with an explicit understanding that that’s all it will ever be. If you can’t do that, then don’t do it. But let’s not pretend that all women are hard-wired to want nothing but exclusive, long-term commitments.

          Plenty of people enjoy casual dating, sometimes especially without the additional pressure of expectations that it will turn into something more. As long as you stay realistic about your expectations, and know when to pull the ripcord and bail (e.g., when your feelings are getting more intense), then it’s no harm, no foul on either party’s end. Everyone can enjoy themselves until it’s time to move on.

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          • fuzzilla Says:

            Agreed. An FWB thing probably isn’t most women’s first choice, but:

            – Maybe she’s really burned out on dating but still wants regular sex.
            – Maybe she can accept things at face value and isn’t secretly hoping the guy will go, “Ohmigah, the girl for me was RIGHT HERE ALL ALONG.”
            – Maybe she embraces the freedom of it (“he could be out with anyone? Well, so can I”) and either juggles multiple FWBs or keeps an FWB around for fun while looking for something more serious, etc.

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            • Eliza Says:

              Fuzz–in this case, clearly she was gushing at him talk about the “moon”…and it was evident, she didn’t just yearn for just sex, and then was ready to move onto another prospect. She was looking forward to, and now missing the aftermath–after the sexual encounter. That’s when FWB no longer benefits a woman OR the person that has other intentions, or is more vested and not thinking along the lines of just casual sex anymore. That’s my reasoning here. When the sexual turns into emotional…even for a slight moment, it no longer is as casual and fly by night, as one may want it to be, or as one may initially have gone into the arrangement. Things change, feelings come and go, and it’s not that black and white. In order for it to be purely casual, without meaning, it needs to be more “transactional” for lack of a better word.

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              • D. Says:

                Should he have behaved better and not sent mixed signals? Yeah, sure. But the signals weren’t that mixed. He talked about the moon? Drove 2 hrs to hook up? They texted a bunch?

                None of that matters, because he told her right up front “This is just FWB.” When a guy says that up front, that’s IT. He’s serious. He’s not going to change his mind about things developing romantically.

                This would be no different than if a guy was really into a woman, she told him “I’m sorry, but I just see you as a friend, but we can keep hanging out.” If they then hung out every other day, told each other their deepest fears and desires, if she was physically affectionate like hugging him or holding his hand or whatever, none of that matters. Why? Because she told him up front “Here’s where I’m at emotionally.” If he then chose to ignore her statement and hold on to hope that she’ll one day realize he’s the one for her, that’s his choice and his mistake.

                When people tell you that they don’t feel romantically inclined towards you, that’s pretty much the end of any romantic chance you have. If you then choose to continue a relationship with them, you’re implicitly agreeing to their “terms.” It will go this far, and no farther. FWB, “just friends,” “like a brother,” fuck buddies, a casual hookup, whatever. The other person tells you “I want XYZ and that’s all,” then that’s all they want and it’s foolish, arrogant, and self-absorbed to think you can/will convince them otherwise. You can’t, and you won’t.

                The OP failed to keep this in mind, and indulged in the fantasy that this could become more. Then when he reminded her “No, this is it,” she felt disappointed. Her disappointment is understandable, but she’s ultimately responsible for her own feelings. When he said “Just FWB, right?” she could have said “Nah, not my thing. But good luck out there!” and moved on. She didn’t. Live and learn.

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          • Parenting Says:

            If a woman is getting into a FWB situation for the right reason it can be a very positive experience. The problem is that a lot if not most women don’t.

            Women often accept a FWB relationship when she is really attracted to a guy who isn’t that into her and goes along with whatever he wants settling for his scraps. That’s when women get attached and hurt.

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            • ? Says:

              As a woman, FWB works when there is attraction, but some “structural” impediment to a relationship. For example if he is a single dad with custody and she categorically does not want a man with kids for LTR. She “uses” him for sex, companionship and attention while she keeps looking for Mr Right. Or if the man is very attractive but very below her level in intelligence and achievement, and she just can’t envision him fitting into her family,social circle and lifestyle.

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              • D. Says:

                That’s pretty much how it works for men, too. They’re attracted, but only so far. There’s some other aspect that leaves them uninterested in pursuing things further. Might be something about the woman, might just be where the man’s head is at at that point in time.

                I just don’t buy the notion that “Oh, women all want something serious and exclusive, and can’t do FWB.” That’s just not the truth.

                What IS true, however, is that many women want to be able to do an FWB situation, and may try to, but end up not being happy with it. I mean, Moxie’s posted plenty of stuff from that Sheena Sharma author. She’s a prime example of someone who wants to be cool with FWBs or even just casual hookups, but…she’s not. She’s really, really not.

                And that’s fine. If it’s not your thing, that’s totally cool. But if it’s not your thing, then recognize that fact and avoid it. Just also recognize that that’s your individual choice, and not a universal truth for every woman.

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                • Parenting Says:

                  What ? said. If the guy is attractive but a non-starter, he is a prime FWB candidate for a women who is interested in that type of thing. IMO, the reason for the belief that women always get hurt by FWB is that so many women are like the OP and pursuee a FWB for the wrong reasons.

                  I totally agree with D as well. I know several women who were not in a place to pursue an LTR for a number of reasons (one was leaving the country, several others were going through a divorce or had just gotten divorced) and very much enjoyed the companionship of a FWB.

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                  • ? Says:

                    To be honest, I personally don’t think it is wise for someone freshly divorced to be pursuing any kind of relationship particularly FWB. Emotions are still raw.. You are still vulnerable and hurting and probably not sure what you want. Especially if the relationship was long and the divorce was not your choice. FWB can only be entered into with a cool, clear head. Being in total emotional control also helps.

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                    • Parenting Says:

                      I agree that post divorce relationships can go all kinds of sideways but the outcome really depends on the individual and their circumstance. Some marriages are over long before they are over and the divorcee may miss the companionship and sex of an LTR but recoil from the heavy emotional commitment.

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