You Don’t Want a Man Like This

lethimgo

Name: Alice

:
Question: I am in love with a man but we have had a rough past and I am partially to blame, I was scared and broke up with him. We have remained friends and at times have entertained the idea of having a relationship. I want to tell him how I feel but he’s currently in another relationship, and I feel like it’s not an appropriate time to tell him. He’s almost 31 and is in a relationship with a gal who is almost 23. He says he’s very happy in the relationship because they have a lot in common and don’t fight or argue. They have been together for nearly 8 months and have lived together pretty much from the beginning. When things don’t go her way she pouts a lot (although he doesn’t see it) and she gives a lot of attitude to his mom (he defends everything she does). She gets jealous pretty easily and doesn’t truly have a sustainable job. He cannot afford to pay all the bills and if lucky, she pitches in 30%. His family says she’s nice enough but part of thrm hopes it doesn’t work out. I don’t want to create problems between them but am hoping things don’t work so I will have a chance to tell him how I feel and explain why I was scared in our previous relationship. I have a bad feeling about his current relationship but I don’t know: I feel like things were jumped into way to fast but feel bad for thinking that being as he says he’s truly happy. I know it’s not every detail (you’d be reading a book) but some thoughts from strangers and opinions as to if this current relationship of his is a done deal and the one for him? Or if I need to be supportive and patient until things fizzle and than I’ll have my chance to reveal my feelings? They don’t discuss their past relationships so he introduces me as a friend, not an ex: he thinks she’s mature for her age but his family thinks otherwise. Thoughts please: is this the real deal for him or just a phase?
Age: 27

 

He’s almost 31 and is in a relationship with a gal who is almost 23. He says he’s very happy in the relationship because they have a lot in common and don’t fight or argue.

Bless his heart.  Of course they don’t fight. She probably doesn’t challenge him in any way. That’s why men his age take up with women her age. I’ve heard the same exact thing from our friend from the previous post. He was like, 28 or 29. She was 19 or 20.

I meant what I said about not cheating again, and I recently got into a really good relationship with someone with whom I feel I can really be myself, be honest without needing to compromise, and with whom I share a genuine chemistry on lots of levels.

Translation: I’m an insecure man-child who needs to be with a woman fundamentally inferior to me in every possible way so that I don’t get intimidated and pull the usual passive aggressive bullshit and fuck around on her like I did to my previous girlfriend.  That’s what your guy is saying. Well, not exactly, but you get what I mean.

I hate to tell you, but this guy probably will end up with this young woman. Even if he doesn’t, you don’t want to be with a man who needs to be with someone that much younger and inexperienced in order to be happy. Let me be clear: he’s happy because he met someone too unsophisticated to see all of his shortcomings. I’m sure they have all kinds of fun and share a lot of the same hobbies and just love existing in the warm little cocoon they call their relationship. He’s going to shield her from anything that will test their relationship or point out just how incompatible they really are.  He’ll do all the heavy lifting and pay for everything and make all the decisions. That way he’ll have more control over her and the relationship. And why does he need control? Because he’s an insecure douchebag.  They don’t fight because they talk discuss anything worth fighting over or anything of substance, nor do they have actual mature conversations. Trust me, he’s not sitting down with this woman and discussing finances, and if he does, it’s to tell her what they’re going to do.

This guy is a loser.  Do what you can to move on and forget about him.

 

Thoughts?

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34 Responses to “You Don’t Want a Man Like This”

  1. Bree Says:

    Considering the majority of men prefer younger women, it would seem most of them are like this.

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    • BTownGirl Says:

      In this case, it’s the difference in life experience that makes it sketchy. There’s a massive difference between 22 and 31 as far as maturity goes. Once everyone’s older, I think it matters way, way less. I mean, my boyfriend is 15 years old than I am, but I’m 34. We’re both fully formed adults with plenty of life experience, as opposed to one of us being fresh out of college much less relationship experience.

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      • Bree Says:

        I promise your 50-year-old boyfriend does not feel you are equal to him in wisdom and life experience. You are still much younger than him and probably nowhere near as advanced in your career and finance$ as he is, let alone just plain 15 more years of LIFE experience. You haven’t even hit middle age yet. At 34 you are young enough to still be somewhat “firm” and sexually exciting to a guy that age (I think of the mid-30s aged models they use in those Viagara commercials), yet juuuuust old enough not to make him look totally ridiculous.

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        • BTownGirl Says:

          Ohmygod, that was amazing. I’m not sure why what I said burned your ass so badly, but here we are. Because…sure, girl. He thinks we’re not on equal footing and I should break up with him, obvi. I don’t even know what to do with “somewhat ‘firm’ and sexually exciting”. (Seriously, how gross was that? Weirdo.). We work in two totally different fields, but I’m completely financially independent thanks to my own career and my grandparents’ unbelievable work ethic, so no, he’s not doling out pocket money to me or thinking that I don’t have my shit together. No one would ever think a younger woman looked ridiculous with him, because he’s a successful surgeon. Men like that can get younger women and no one thinks it’s weird. Why are you so mad, sis?!

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          • Bill Says:

            “I don’t even know what to do with “somewhat ‘firm’ and sexually exciting”. (Seriously, how gross was that? Weirdo.).”

            … insert cognitive dissonance here…

            “No one would ever think a younger woman looked ridiculous with him, because he’s a successful surgeon. Men like that can get younger women and no one thinks it’s weird.”

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            • BTownGirl Says:

              Yeah, you don’t get it. I wrote an innocuous comment and she came back condescending and nasty, because it makes her angry that a lot of men go for younger women. Most of us just say “it is what it is’ and adjust, but she’s a Bitter Betty. Saying someone is “somewhat” attractive is rude and she can make all the Viagra jokes she wants, but something tells me her attitude isn’t translating to success with men.

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              • Bill Says:

                She wasn’t responding to me (or my personal situation) so I think I read her reply more dispassionately – or perhaps, as you say – I just don’t get it.

                Not to put words in her mouth, but I read her response as a 49-and-34 relationship is/can be equally as unbalanced as a 30-and-22 relationship. Both, just barely pass on the “standard” age creepiness scale (divide by 2 and add 7). But, pass they do by 0-2 years!

                Sure, it’s just a rule of thumb, but it got that way for a reason. If there is balance in your relationship, then it really doesn’t matter.

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                • BTownGirl Says:

                  If she had stated her opinion in the rational language you just wrote for her, that would be fine. But here’s what she wrote:

                  “I promise your 50-year-old boyfriend does not feel you are equal to him in wisdom and life experience. ” Condescending. Rude.

                  “I think of the mid-30s aged models they use in those Viagara commercials).” Incredibly rude. She’s saying, “You’re, like, sort-off attractive to an older guy and *giggle giggle* like a Viagra commercial. Girl, have a seat.

                  “…yet juuuuust old enough not to make him look totally ridiculous.” Rude. And straight-up projection. She likes to think men with younger partners look ridiculous (I’m not talking about the obvious, Sumner Redstone-esque situations), because it makes her feel better.

                  I just honestly don’t understand why women like her sit in the corner complaining and lashing out at anyone who’s finding dating success, when she could probably just make a few simple concessions and be 200% happier for it.

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                  • DrivingMeNutes Says:

                    Maybe rude but this is the internet. No on here knows you or your “boyfriend” but I think she’s accurately characterizing how a 50 year old man might view a 34 year old woman. It’s just odd that you have a strong view of other such relationships that are… Well… Not yours. That appears to be the only distinguishing feature. At least to an objective observer.

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                    • BTownGirl Says:

                      No, she’s accurately characterizing how a patronizing, full of himself 50 year old might view a 34 year old (in any event my boyfriend – I’m not sure why you’re using quotations, but carry on – is 49, not that it matters, but…facts). I have no idea what goes on in anyone else’s relationships, but Bree thinks she does. I don’t know what’s “odd” about saying “there’s nothing wrong with it as long as it it’s two adults on equal footing and neither of them are assholes”.

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                    • Parenting Says:

                      Its equal in the sense that you are a high value partner (youth, fitness) and he is a high value partner (status), but it is not equal in the sense that it would be had he pursued a surgeon his own age.

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                    • DrivingMeNutes Says:

                      You called the relationship described by Moxie as sketchy because of differences in life experience and also commented freely on Sumner Redstone. I’m just trying to figure out when it’s “okay” and not gross to be in an age-mismatched relationship like yours.

                      Every single woman in your position – at any age – thinks to some extent that her boyfriend respects her for her and is not a gross old man. Just because you think you’re different, doesn’t mean you are.

                      And I’m not close to 50, and 34 year olds are like cute little babies to me.

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                    • BTownGirl Says:

                      Two fully formed adults is “okay”. The majority of 22 year-olds have loads of growing up to do and generally don’t have tons of relationship experience, which means they are less likely to know what’s healthy and what’s not. Sumner Redstone is an actual gross old man sending out vile, disrespectful texts about his younger girlfriends. So it’s a little different.

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                    • DrivingMeNutes Says:

                      No. The correct answer is that no relationship is inherently gross just because of age-mismatch and no one is in a position to pass judgment on the relaktionship choices of strangers and if that means you have to disagree with Moxie’s opinion just this one time, I think you’ll be okay.

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                    • BTownGirl Says:

                      Sigh. You just read my opinion, but because I’m such a dummy, we’ll just default to telling me I’m wrong and “she always agrees with Moxie”. Okay then, glad we worked that out.

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                  • BTownGirl Says:

                    Eh, I feel like I’m pretty accomplished as a person. No, I’m not a surgeon, but I have a great career and devote a lot of time and resources to helping people. For me, it’s not such a big deal that he’s a doctor (I respect the heck out of anyone in the medical profession, but it’s not a holy grail thing for me), but that he’s done so much for people who have very, very little and has a career he’s incredibly passionate about.

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              • Parenting Says:

                Bree does sound like she has a chip on her shoulder. But she does have something of a point.

                I dated a significantly older guy with status when I was in my mid 30s and and I know why he targeted women my age instead of women his own age and it wasn’t because we had so much in common.

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                • BTownGirl Says:

                  I totally get what you’re saying here, but that was one guy. I don’t doubt there are some men out there doling out head-pats to their girlfriends age difference or not, which is obviously gross. I just think it’s a good idea to take people as individuals and realize that knee-jerking into saying, “Aha! Age difference = red flag” can make someone miss out on a good thing. I knew I wanted someone that I found attractive who was successful and that I didn’t want to try and compete with 26 year-olds, so I thought “meh, I could care less about age, so I’ll be open to someone older”. I have no idea what age group he dated before me (his ex-wife is the same age as him), but it doesn’t matter to me either way. We have a lot in common as far as what we each want for the future and we’re both successful, so it’s not like anyone has the “advantage” here, ya know?

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                • Anonymous Says:

                  Why do you say you know that man targeted women your age? Please, be specific.

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                  • Parenting Says:

                    Specifically, I know that’s what he was looking for because he told me that that’s what he was looking for after we broke up. Of course, that wasn’t the only thing he was looking for but it was on his list.

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                    • BTownGirl Says:

                      ” and I know why he targeted women my age instead of women his own age and it wasn’t because we had so much in common.”

                      Wait, so after you broke up, he straight up told you he wanted a younger woman for Sleazy Purposes (because that’s what’s implied here)?! Sounds like a delight and I’m guessing his issues went way beyond any age preferences.

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                    • Parenting Says:

                      It sounds worse than it is (I hope). We remained friends after we ended things and occasionally talk about our dating lives. I’ve seen him get very excited about dating accomplished women (an author and a business owner). He only dates women who share his hobbies. Avoids women who aren’t financially independent. Prefers women who are kind. And there was the shallow stuff – blond, 10-20 years younger, personal trainer. I didn’t think his preferences were unusual. I just thought he wanted younger women not because he wasn’t attracted to women his own age but because it (as you said) got him head-pats from his buddies.

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        • EANx Says:

          Unless you plan to live to be 115, someone that is 34 is middle-aged. If you plan to live to be 90, 1-30 is young, 31-60 is middle and 61-90 is old.

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  2. Parenting Says:

    I find it interesting that the OP realized how in love she is with her ex as soon as he found someone else. When she had him, she didn’t want him. Now that things are getting serious with someone else, she needs to have him back.

    OP, tell him whatever you want whenever you want but take a really good look at your motivations and make sure its not a case of wanting what you cant have. If you get him back, will you just dump him again?

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    • Bill Says:

      “If you get him back, will you just dump him again?”

      THIS, and the answer is yes. Songs have been written about this phenomenon.

      The OP is still immature… grown-ups would call the “cast” of this soap opera 22 and 30, not “almost 23″ and “almost 31″. Do I hear a vote for 22 1/2? Lol!

      Moxie’s core advice to move on is correct, though the ex-bf’s new gf sounds more like a prima dona princess than a push-over ingenuous. Regardless, OP needs to date more to find who really “fits” her while learning and maturing, herself.

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      • Parenting Says:

        I’ve known girls like this. Not a lot but a couple. They dump the guy because he was too willing to date them then become insanely jealous of the new girlfriend.

        Almost 23 and almost 31? I missed that. Too funny. All I can say is I hope the birth control doesn’t fail for any of these three. Good lord, they need to grow up!!

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  3. ? Says:

    Unless there is a whom heap of stuff that has been edited out for the sake of brevity, all this thing about OP’s guy wanting a young woman to control is just assumptions and speculation and yes, misandry.
    On a more general level, why assume ALL men who date much younger women want control and obedience out of insecurity ? Is George Clooney an insecure loser because he married the very high profile, but much younger Human Rights lawyer Amal ?
    Why can’t men date who the hell they want? If I as a woman want to date a much younger man, what right has anyone got to say that I can’t ?

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    • ATWYSingle Says:

      Clooney married a women in her late
      thirties. The issue isn’t men dating women who are younger than them. The issue is a man (or woman for that matter) dating someone THAT young. A 21 year old is barely an adult in the emotional sense. I’m so fucking tired of you red pill losers and your obtuse bullshit.

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      • ? Says:

        I’m not redpill at all. Maybe because I used the misandry word ?
        I’m coming from a position where I treat others the way I expect to be treated. If I want to date a much younger man? Who had the right to say that I can’t ? If I don’t want to be told who I can or can’t date, or shamed for my decision who to date, what gives me the right to tell others who to date ?

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        • BTownGirl Says:

          No one says you can’t, but at a certain point, it gets creepy. I’m not sure how old you are, but I’m 34 and couldn’t bring myself to be attracted to a 21 year-old man if I tried. It’s too close to being a teenager and the idea just weirds me out.

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  4. Noquay Says:

    Thing is OP, you’re a tangential part of his life now at best. It doesn’t matter how financially insecure they are, whether they fight or not, how she treats his mom; you’re no longer a part of the picture. Time to move on.

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  5. ? Says:

    And Yes, I have fucked much younger men because let’s face it, if older men want to shag you without offering anything else in the way if companionship or romance, I might as well go younger.
    And Yes, I have faced judgement for it, having lost girlfriends who disapprove. So to hell with what others think and their judgements

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    • ATWYSingle Says:

      And Yes, I have fucked much younger men because let’s face it, if older men want to shag you without offering anything else in the way if companionship or romance, I might as well go younger.

      That’s an excuse . It’s just as flimsy as the women who claim that men over 40 “all” have erectile dysfunction. No they don’t. That’s just an excuse for these women in denial to keep chasing after dudes that don’t want them because they don’t want to accept that they’re not 30 anymore. You fuck younger guys because they’re the only ones who make a concerted effort to try and get older women into bed. Stop making it out like you’re trying to even the score, because you’re not.

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  6. Sarah Says:

    Alice. Get a hobby. Please. Cataloging the perceived faults of your ex’s new girlfriend doesn’t count.

    I mean, you’ve done this before, right? We always think the ex’s new relationship is a downgrade. Let your confidence in that assessment wrap you up like a warm blanket and just move on.

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