Forever Alone: Why You’re a Bumble, Tinder & OKCupid Fail

The pickings on OKCupid leave a lot to be desired. A lot. We all know this. But there is a certain sub-section of users of that site that you should avoid at all costs. Below, I’m listing out some red flags and WTFuckery that you should keep in mind next time you’re tempted to send them a message or a reply.

 

They have one photo and describe themselves as “God fearing.” – These are fake profiles created by scammers.

They have only one photo, and they’re atypically attractive for a dating site, and tell you they’ve just moved to your city from LA. – These, too, are fake profiles. I’ve said this before, but dating sites don’t typically attract the ridiculously good looking. Those folks have no problem meeting people offline.

They post a primary photo that is completely misleading. – We’ve all seen them. You click on the thumbnail because their profile photo appeals to you. Then you go through the rest of their pics and, well, the person is almost unrecognizable. You shouldn’t have to trick someone into reading your profile.

Their primary photo is of them with another person of the same sex. – Sorry, but in the age of Tinder where everybody has an itchy swipe finger, you’re cutting your chances of being swiped right if there are two people in that photo. Especially if that person is unfortunate looking. Fewer and fewer people are even stopping to take a look through your photos to see which one is you. And God forbid you’re the unfortunate looking one. Nobody likes being disappointed like that. Either that person is a complete idiot and doesn’t realize how these apps work or they’re trying to pull the bait and switch. Time wasters. Nope.

Their primary photo is taken in the front seat of their car - I don’t know who started this trend, but they need to be put down. First, why are you taking photos of yourself while driving? Second, do you not have any other photos better than this?

Their primary photo is of them and a child. – Nope. Foolish.

The people who list out their requirements for contact. – Oddly enough, I see this most often from people who are on and off a site consistently for a long period of time. They get frustrated because nobody is indulging them, so they quit. Then they come back and start in with the same nonsense all over again hoping for a different result. Hint: The problem isn’t the dating site or your lack of viable options.

People who post photos that are completely unflattering. – No, I don’t mean photos that don’t favor them physically. I’m talking about pictures where the users looks distasteful, boorish, or insane. Oh, you gave the finger to the person taking the picture? You must be a bad boy/girl!

People who post photos of themselves smoking. – Listen, I don’t have a problem dating an occasional smoker. But if one of your photos is of you with  a lit cigarette in your hand, then I’ll give you a pass strictly because you’re clearly trying to get people to reject you. My days of wanting to date a rebel ended about 15 years ago. Those people are too much work.

People who post photos of themselves with considerably younger people that aren’t their relatives. - Photos like this say, “I might be XX age, but I totally fit in with a younger crowd so don’t let my age get in the way.” We get it. You’re youthful. Equally questionable are people who swear that peers tell them all the time that they look ten years younger than they actually are. They’re uncomfortable with their age and probably won’t date anyone close to it.

People who write in their About Me summary that “they’ll get back to this” but never do. – Everybody else has to do it and they manage just fine. Writing about yourself in a way that is complimentary and interesting shouldn’t be the Herculean task many people think it is. If it is, then that’s a pretty good sign that they’re boring or not invested in the process.

People who use up their About Me summary to tell you their philosophies on life, love, or online dating. – Sorry, but nobody cares about you enough to read through a bunch of pretentious garbage just because you think you’re a special snowflake. Get to the point. The About Me Summary is where you, you know, tell people about yourself and why they would want to date you. It’s not a soapbox or open mic night.

People who are explicit in their potential mate’s physical appearance. – She must be petite. He must be this tall. These folks have a very specific idea in their head about what they’re looking for, and if you don’t match up, they’re not interested. Their ideals are rarely ever based on real men or women. They want to date a fictional character. Which brings me to..

People who use fictional characters or celebrities to describe their “type.” – As we all know, celebrities aren’t really like you and me. And fictional characters are just that: fictional. Basing your love life on a movie or book or something you saw on the pages of US magazine says that your expectations aren’t based in reality.

People who tell you they don’t email anybody, so you’ll have to contact them. – These people don’t want to do the work or take the risks. They can’t be bothered. If they don’t want to take the effort to write a message, imagine what they’ll be like to date.

People who tell you not to email them. – Translation: You’re probably not my type, so don’t bother. I have high standards.

People who select an income of 500K+. – Only a fool or a scammer would do this. The same way many men are suspicious of women who say they’re open to casual sex in their profile, women should be suspicious of men who use their income or trust fund or other assets to attract attention.

People who tell you they’re going to be taking their profile down. – This is a marketing strategy that only works if you’re selling an actual product. It’s meant to create urgency, but on an online dating site this ploy falls flat. Instead of making them look in demand, it makes them look like damaged goods or too busy to date.

People who tell you they’ve returned to the site after taking a hiatus. – Oh. So you’ve already failed at this once? Cool. Sign me up.

People who tell you they were kicked off the site. –  If you were kicked off, it’s because you did something bad. Derp. Nobody wants that person. There’s this one guy on OKCupid who pops up every couple of days with a new profile and the same photos and text. (See pic below.) I’ve told him several times I wasn’t interested and to stop emailing. Now, every time he creates a new profile he likes my profile or messages me. Every. Single. Time. I’ve reported him to OKCupid multiple times, but he keeps coming back. I don’t know if he thinks being persistent will work or if he’s trying to piss me off. Either way, this guy is a fucking creep.

lation

People whose profile text don’t match the photo. – I addressed this above, but it’s an important one to repeat. If the photo is of someone who appears to be well put together and professional, and the text sounds like it was written by a prison inmate, be cautious.

All those Christian Grey/Anastasia wannabes – Ugh. Stahp. Stahp with the shirtless photos. Stahp with the sexy poses in lingerie. These people are NEVER as kinky as they say they are. To them, tying women and butt plugs up are risque.  2009 called. It wants its handcuffs and lube back.

The couples looking for a third. - Look, I’m down with a threesome if I find you both attractive. Unless I say explicitly  in my profile I’m open to meeting couples or interested in dating women, don’t message me. This might not be a popular opinion, but I find the bisexual women and couples who contact and like me just as annoying as I find the men who fall outside of all my stated match criteria.

And finally…

People who post a grainy or cropped photo and you can’t see what they look like. – Holy fuck. Stay home. I have zero problem replying to these time-wasters and telling them to fuck off. It’s 2016. If you’re still concerned someone you know will see you on an app, then you have bigger issues. I’m not going to engage someone only to finally see their photos and learn I’m talking to Jo Jo The Dogface Boy. Awkward. Oh, you have pics to share? POST THEM.

Did I miss any?

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29 Responses to “Forever Alone: Why You’re a Bumble, Tinder & OKCupid Fail”

  1. Dark Sarcasm Says:

    People who express disbelief that ‘they can’t believe they’re doing online dating’ or ‘their friends made me sign up for this…’

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 52 Thumb down 0

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    • Eliza Says:

      So agree with sarcasm…or people that “have never done this”, are “new to online dating”…please, stop insulting everyone’s intelligence. Online dating has been introduced to us over 20+ years ago. There is no longer any stigma associated with it! Let that notion go…and stop pretending to be above it all. You are single, and on a site, doing on-line shopping/assessing the situation. Period. No need to sugar-coast. Their friends and family “made them sign up this”…I presume they don’t have a mind of their own.

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  2. Nicki Says:

    One of my absolute favorites are the people with no profile pic that message you to explain how either their ex harassed them when they found out they were on there or they have some super special and secret job where they don’t want their pics out there. Why would I want you if your ex is still bothering you?!? How do you have time to date if your job is so important and secret?!

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    • BTownGirl Says:

      I cracked up at the super special and secret job haha! Somehow I don’t think CIA Operatives and Federal Marshals are allowed to fuck around on OK Cupid, but that’s just me ;)

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      • Nicki Says:

        Right?!? Yet still I’ve gotten messages, “Hey, I know I don’t have pictures but read my profile and if you like it then I can email or text you some. It’s just… My job. I can’t have my picture out there or it could ruin my career.” Yeah, okay bro.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 0

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  3. Art Says:

    What should you put down if you actually do make over $500 K per year? Many of us in the financial services industry in NYC are in fact in that income bracket. Should you lie about your income, or leave that section blank?

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 4 Thumb down 12

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    • UWSGal Says:

      Men who state “my real age is 53 rather than 45, just trying to avoid all the grannies here”. That is actually a real quote from a profile I saw on match. OMG can you be more clueless than that?

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    • UWSGal Says:

      Also, men who “work hard and play hard” and the ones who are looking for a “partner in crime”, who “don’t take themselves seriously” and other clichés.

      Also men who state that they’re “very affectionate” or “very physical” (translation: I want to grope you on the first date) and the ones who say something like “sarcasm is the salt of life and you should be able to take a joke” (translation: I will put you down under the guise of jokes or sarcasm because I lack self-esteem)

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      • Eliza Says:

        Walking clichés, is what these men are. “What you see, is what you get”. I have no tolerance for mere clichés…that and disclaimers. Men that write “not into games”…are all about games and just that. Rather, people who state this, includes women too! Don’t want believe clichés are gender-specific. Do people see the absurdity in writing such lame statements in their profiles? “Life is too short”, yadda yadda yadda…. make me yawn….delete and move onto the next screen.

        Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 12 Thumb down 2

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    • Speed Says:

      @Art

      Hey, bro. If you’re truly making over $500K, you already know the answer to this. If you list that amount, you’re going to attract a lot of gold diggers. And actually, that might be okay, if you’re just looking for a transactional arrangement: you pay for her lifestyle, she gives up the goodies. It’s ancient tradition, and okay—as long as you fully understand what you’re getting into. Sort of like Donald and Melania Trump. The danger for (at least a few) rich dudes, as I have seen, is that they basically advertise their wealth, attract gold diggers, and then get into relationships where they’re deluded that the super-hot woman they’ve snagged “really loves me, not my money.” See you and your fat wallet in divorce court.

      Some women will avoid rich guys, because many (not all) rich guys can be quite arrogant, unfaithful and controlling (rich women, too, to be fair). Other women will see a guy who needs to “flash his cash” as insecure. There are basically just all sorts of social minefields for rich guys, ironically.

      I’ve read sharply differing opinions on this topic on this blog. However, I think man should let his wealth, Olympic medal, multiple Ivy League degrees, pedigree family, etc. be “pleasant surprises” for the woman. Let these superhero aspects of yourself emerge organically and gradually over time. Not on your profile or on a first date. Unless you’re looking for Melania Trump. Which could be okay.

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      • BostonRobin Says:

        Wait. Are you saying Melania might have married Teh Donald for his money?

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        • BTownGirl Says:

          I actually feel badly for her – I mean, she’s such a beautiful woman, she couldn’t find a rich guy who isn’t a raving loon?! GIRL. WHY.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 8 Thumb down 0

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      • Eliza Says:

        Thanks, Speed…for making so much sense and taking the truthful, albeit harsh stance…because the “truth is ugly”. But I’m a realist as well. Hey, it’s OK for some men, who are fine purchasing a woman’s affection. It is merely that–a transaction. All’s far is love and war as they say. We are all adults. Some women can’t be bought though…and those women don’t necessarily have to be affluent either…actually, those are the women who are usually turned off when men flash their incomes and corner offices–on a first date or so quickly thereafter. They lead with their wallets…which I understand…this does works for SOME women, and impresses perhaps the naïve 20+ something year old. But it screams “insecurity” very loudly…and that’s sad. I have been at the receiving end of meeting a guy (I’ll never forget) – who was very accomplished, and successful–and he was very unassuming and discrete…never once mentioned his position where he worked. Because guess what? Eventually all is revealed. I found that so confident and impressive…instead initial conversations centered around childhoods, travel interests, and sports. So refreshing.

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    • Noquay Says:

      Leave it blank

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

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    • ann Says:

      Damn. I think that’s a valid question. Why the downvotes?

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 1

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  4. Nia Says:

    My personal pet peeve is “Ask me whatever you want to know?”

    I actually DO have questions like “Have you ever been arrested and convicted of a crime that’s more than a misdemeanor?” “What would your most recent ex say about you?” “Do you think it’s okay to call names in the heat of an argument as long as you sincerely apologize later?” and so on. But those questions are: a) total mood killers and not appropriate for a get to know you email and b) something I will find out usually through talking to them.

    What are these guys thinking I’ll “ask”? The same lame thing as they usually ask me: “What movies do you like? What bands do you like?” I’m not in high school. Unless someone’s taste is extremely different than mine (like, say, 100% Adam Sandler and superhero movies) it’s unlikely that will make or break it. But their VALUES and actions will.

    I feel like putting “ask me anything” is lazy and off-putting. It puts the onus on someone *else* to figure out what to ask you, ask it to you, and in the process, give you a chance to answer and then say “how about you?”

    Look, if you don’t have the wherewithall to figure out 2-3 conversation starters (like “What’s your ideal first date?” Or “What’s your favorite memory from the last year?”), you really need to reassess your dating readiness.

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  5. TheTallOne Says:

    1) The guys who are “moving to your area in a month or two and are looking to get to know people before they get there”

    2) The guys who post more photos of their car/house/guns/kids/dogs/etc. than of themselves (Ummm…I’m looking to date YOU, not your possessions. WTF do YOU look like? I don’t want to date your dog, thanks.)

    3) The big age lie – “I’m actually 50, but for whatever reason, POF just wouldn’t let me change my age, which is why I’m listed as 44. But I really prefer to date women who are 27-39.”

    4) “I’m only looking to date someone who cares about their looks and physical fitness” (says the man with the beer belly and double chin)

    5) Those who admit that they’re straight up out of a LONG marriage, have no idea what they’re doing, but are looking to get back out there and learn the ropes! (yeah…I have no desire to teach you how to date again.)

    6) Those who outright talk about how they’re only looking for someone honest, because they just can’t handle another cheater and go on and on about some random previous hurt (as if someone would advertise that they LOVE cheating and can’t handle being monogamous?)

    7) Profiles that are SO generic, they could apply to anyone. “I love music! I love nights on the town! I love going out for a beer!” (As if anyone would say, “No, I hate music! Screw going out for a beer!”)

    8) Those that talk about how much they work and how they’re so busy, all the time…but how they’ll manage to find the time to find for the right person (trust me…they won’t).

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 15 Thumb down 2

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    • Eliza Says:

      TallOne…you forgot the lovely, overused…”love long walks on the beach”!

      Life is too short, Don’t take yourself too seriously. My friends and family tell me I’m a catch!

      Oh the best…”Everyone tells me I look 10 years younger”

      60 is the new 40!

      No…60 is 60. 40 is 40. And for some people…40 is the new 60! lol

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

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  6. AnnieNonymous Says:

    - People from NYC who aren’t careful about specifying their “dating zone.” I’m in NJ. New Yorkers generally don’t have cars and don’t want to come to NJ. I hate it when desperate sleazes try to get me to come to NYC thinking that after all the effort, I’d be likely to spend the night. It’s just a waste of time.

    – Pics of you with your hotter friends, pics of your dog, pics of you in the gym, pics of your car, pics with your girlfriend (I don’t have the energy to parse that one).

    – People who say they’re “passionate about music” when I don’t see any indication that they’re musicians themselves or that their tastes run particularly deep. It’s a way to seem somewhat cultured when you can’t truthfully say that you’ve read a book in the past year. Everyone likes to listen to music. Same for “I love, NEED to travel.” It’s meaningless in the context of online profiles. These are people who have nothing to say and who don’t do much of interest.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 10 Thumb down 1

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    • fuzzilla Says:

      **People who say they’re “passionate about music” when I don’t see any indication that they’re musicians themselves or that their tastes run particularly deep. It’s a way to seem somewhat cultured when you can’t truthfully say that you’ve read a book in the past year.**

      I had one date with a guy who said, “Yeah, I’m really into movies. You know, like Avatar?” Not that seeing Avatar is a deal-breaker, but it’s like, dude, you’r not “really into” movies if you just catch random crap at the cineplex.

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      • AnnieNonymous Says:

        Yeah, the music thing bugs me because so often “I’m passionate about music” = “I listen to the radio during my 30-minute commute.” So…..your big interesting fact is that you do something that literally everyone else does? For a while everyone who saw 500 Days of Summer thought they were a film buff and I’m glad those days are over.

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        • fuzzilla Says:

          Exactly. It’s like if someone said, “I’m a coffee aficionado – you know, like Starbuck’s?” There’s nothing wrong with going to Starbuck’s, but there’s nothing about going there that qualifies as a personality trait or makes you unique.

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  7. Laura Says:

    I must say I’m surprised by the amount of horrible pictures out there. You’d think it would be the other way around and people would post uncharacteristically good pictures of themselves that aren’t really an actual representation of what they look like – and it does happen a lot, of course – but a lot of times it’s obvious the person didn’t make any effort at all to find/take a picture that’s at least a bit flattering and I for the life of me can’t figure out why. The other day I saw a profile of an acquaintance who is quite pretty in person, and yet the profile pic made her look 10 years older, with those 10 extra years of rough life, at that. I’m sure it has to rank among the 5% of the worst pics of herself she’s ever taken, so why, WHY would anyone want to use such a photo in order to attract others? Are smartphone cameras and nonstop photo taking making people desensitized to what really constitutes a good picture?

    And yeah, all the “I’m not really good at this (i.e. describing myself), so ask me anything you want to know”. Do those people think it makes them look honest and upfront or interesting and alluring? It just means that they couldn’t be bothered to make a minimal effort, and it’s nto an attractive quality.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 8 Thumb down 0

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  8. UWSGal Says:

    Also – all men who live in commuter suburbs of NYC. Sorry dude, if you live in Westfield I am going to presume you’re married. And I am going to be right. Divorced and staying close to kids – ok, that I will buy, but single in the land of 5 br houses and high ranked schools – ha. ha. ha.

    My other pet peeve is people who list themselves as New York, NY and then disclose that they “live in XX, NJ but I am in Manhattan all the time!”. Nope. No, sorry just no.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 10 Thumb down 3

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    • Robyn Says:

      Yup, I’m with you on that when it comes to grossly inaccurate location info.
      I live really close to downtown Boston (less than 2 miles away from Fenway Park for those that know Boston).And I’d prefer to date someone who lives up to a 30 minute drive away, 45 at the most.

      I get reaaaalllly irritated when guys who love in Attleboro (as an example, which is 35 miles away & the best part of an hour’s drive in average traffic) claim to be “very close to downtown Boston”.

      If I really like a guy, I’d be prepared to do the drive – but if he lies about it (and what else is he lying about, hmmmm?) then I get turned off immediately.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 1

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  9. Laura Says:

    The music/films/books/travel stuff doesn’t bother me as much. You have to write something and honestly, at this point, any effort is better than blank profiles or that “Ask me what you want to know” nonsense. If they don’t go into any specifics I just assume their interests are pretty mainstream and common and that’s it.

    What I really dislike is when people advertise just how jaded they’ve become. “I know how this works! You can’t fool me!” or “Don’t play games with me!!! I’ll see right through you!!!”
    Wow, aren’t you a joy to behold, it must be such a blast to have you around.

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  10. Yvonne Says:

    What abut the people who post profiles with no photos at all? So many of them on Match.com. Seriously? Way to get ignored.

    Another strategy is to use a main profile photo that is several years old. When you click on the profile, you then see the photos that are actually recent.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

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  11. sandra Says:

    When men over 45 and well into their 50’s claim they are “tired” or “not into” the bar scene. Uh, the ” bar scene” is not meant for the middle-aged other than just having drinks with friends. Seriously, when I come across that comment it makes me cringe.

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