Here’s Why Guys Hate Drama

October 23rd, 2016

Couple Conundrums, Facebook, NEW!

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Name: Sally
Question: My (now ex) boyfriend won’t defend me, and I feel like he tries to keep our relationship secret – in spite of the fact we’d been together for over three years, and living together.

Last week, he took me out for dinner to one of the most expensive restaurants in our city – which happens to have amazing views. I took a few photos, and tagged him on facebook.

Initially it got a bunch of likes, but then – some woman I don’t know, who is apparently friends with his mum, came along and started posting about why was he with me, and insulting me. (I don’t get on with his mum – she is a real piece of work – and he himself has nothing to do with her either.) So I’m guessing all the rubbish this woman seemed to think about me, came from his mum talking crap. It really hurt – I sure wasn’t expecting it.

Naturally I was pretty upset, and told him that he’d better be going to defend me. His response, was to say he hasn’t even seen that woman in 5 years anyway – and then untag himself from the post, cos he says “he doesn’t want any drama” and blaming me for causing it!!

Except all I did was share a couple of pics of us having dinner, which should be fine – surely? And it was HER attacking me?

Am I over-reacting to be upset over this? He seems to think so, but I just feel like he doesn’t care about me at all :(  Also, it’s not the first time he’s untagged himself when I’ve shared posts/pics etc, and I just feel like why is he trying to keep me a secret? Surely once you are living together, it should be well past the point of facebook official?
Age: 37

I don’t think you’re over-reacting at all. However, this can all be easily remedied by blocking both his mother and this woman making nasty comments. If he has nothing to do with his mother and you two never interact with her, then drop it. It would be different if the people involved here were people you and he socialized with regularly. In his mind, this is a non-issue since he never sees these women. He doesn’t want to dwell on it because these people doesn’t exist in his life.

I hate to generalize here, but I think most men in this situation would do exactly what your ex did. They’d say to ignore the people writing nasty comments and move on. Frankly, I would, too.

I was reading a Facebook post recently from a female blogger seeking advice for dealing with cyber-stalkers and harassment. Most of the women who responded with feedback had very involved protocol for navigating this situation. Go here to see if they’re talking about you, screencap this, block them here, make a file, etc. All good advice, don’t get me wrong. But as I said to her, the more she immersed herself in this situation, the worse it would get. Until someone encroaches on your real life, I said, just ignore them. If the threats become physical, file a police report.  Whenever xoJane publishes a story from a woman talking about how she’s being stalked, I raise an eyebrow. The last thing someone should do in that situation is invite more attention from said stalker. My personal opinion is that the people (men and women) who take to the internet or somehow go public about being stalked are looking for attention. In some circles it’s considered a badge of honor to have haters and stalkers and all that, hence why some people brag about it.

To bring it all back to you, OP, I think the more of an issue you make this, the worse off you’re going to be. This woman from your Ex’s past and his mum are rude and inappropriate. Block and ignore them. Or just ignore them. Don’t react. That’s what they want. I think it’s easier for men take this stance because they’re groomed from a very young age not to get emotional about stuff like this. Women, on the other hand, are encouraged to internalize and personalize this sort of criticism.

You’re jumping to conclusions when you assume he’s keeping you a secret. How would that even be possible after three years? This is where you’re starting to sound a little cuckoo. This is the part where you might be over-reacting. I don’t think your Ex blames you for being hurt and angry. I’m sure he understands on some level why you’re upset. In his mind, it’s over and done with.  He doesn’t want to get involved in what he thinks is petty drama, nor does he want to listen to you bitch about it.

 

Thoughts?

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10 Responses to “Here’s Why Guys Hate Drama”

  1. JayD Says:

    All this drama over a fakebook post? Sigh.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 11 Thumb down 2

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  2. Resigned Says:

    Facebook is a pain in the ass when it comes to relationshops.

    Over the years, I’ve had girlfriends, partners, and fbuddies flip out over my female friends on Facebook (not that there are that many in my past, but the consistency of the flipout pattern is what is noteworthy). Other times, I’ve been tagged with women and that were just my friends, and it created a storm with my partner.

    So basically, if anyone tags me on FBook, I untag it. I don’t post pictures of me on Fbook. I choose my privacy settings so that I can keep in touch with just my guy friends and my family.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 1

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  3. Bethany Says:

    I’d be pretty pissed about all this too. I find it really sketchy that he’s untagging himself from these things. Is he at least unfriending people who are saying these nasty things? Seems that would be more effective than untagging himself.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 7 Thumb down 9

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  4. Parenting Says:

    The OP is insisting that her ex-boyfriend defend her character on facebook from a woman he hasnt seen in years and stop untagging himself and acknowledge their now ended relationship? Im so confused.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 1

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  5. KK Says:

    Is THIS why you guys broke up? And…is he hiding you from his friends and family or is it just on fb?

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

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  6. Eliza Says:

    I agree with Moxie’s advice. Technology has made is super easy for us to unleash nastiness and direct toxic behaviors towards others…but it’s just as easy to block that nonsense, and detach, and end all communication! These people want to get a rise out of you–don’t play into their game. Indifference goes a long way–best thing to do is block someone from getting info to you! works with the cell phone too. Such a great little feature! lol

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 1

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  7. Richard Says:

    He probably untags himself in these photos as a way of stopping the abuse reaching you? If your only connection to these women is through him (on Facebook) then they otherwise can’t comment on you pictures, unless your profile is public. I assume it isn’t for the sake of my argument.

    The other thing is… If he blocks his mum, he then has to deal with the backlash of that also. More drama he doesn’t want or need…

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 8 Thumb down 0

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  8. HerGuyFriday Says:

    I can’t believe LW is 37 years old. This is junior high stuff.

    “Defend me”? You weren’t mugged on the street. Someone posted something impolite online. Act like an adult and deal with it yourself.

    You’re angry your boyfriend untagged himself? Did you ask his permission to tag him to begin with? I’m guessing not. It is 2016. The whole “tag everyone I had dinner with last night” thing is over. People don’t want to randomly show up in Facebook timelines anymore. He untagged himself before, yet you kept doing it. Respect his privacy.

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  9. Mark Says:

    Sally:

    So your upset that he didn’t “defend” you based on a Facebook post.

    Facebook?

    If you don’t mind, let me ask another question.

    How does he treat you in real life?

    That seems to be a more fundamental question. Wouldn’t you say?

    Best of luck and hope things improve.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

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