Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): deliusfan
Comment: So after a decent first set of interactions online with a girl, and even a 50 minute phone conversation that kept her laughing, I thought we were in a good place for a first encounter, if not full-fledged date. Since she didn’t live in my city, yet not too far away, at first I asked her to come up with a possible venue for fear of dragging her (Yelp review notwithstanding) to some really awful section of town for simply not knowing. She did seem slightly reluctant, so I bit the bullet, did the research, and then found a winebar that was off the charts, ratings-wise.
A second phone call happened to seal the deal with details; I was stunned when she responds, “Oh, by the way, I don’t drink…” which threw me for a loop since I didn’t remember anything of the sort being on her profile. I played it off as best as I could, since I didn’t have a backup location and said well, they also have awesome small plates or we can totally blow this firetrap if we get there and decide the location sucks. Rereading her profile that night, the drinking detail said “rarely” not, “not at all”, which, to be perfectly honest, causes me to move on by since wines are a big part of my life, even if only a couple of times a week rather than every day.
I get to the location early. Super early. As in it’s not open for another hour and I’m in a city I don’t know on a Sunday afternoon and it looks pretty residential around there. I have an hour to kill, and no Starbuck’s in sight. I’m starting to really wonder about the location I’ve chosen, but ditch the car, anyway, and start walking toward civilization. After passing a lot of awesome other places that I make note of, I finally manage to knock out the hour and hurry back. I arrive right at 5:00 on the dot when the place opens, and it also happened to be the time I had suggested. There was a couple waiting for the door to unlock, and me, no one else around. The doors open, the couple enter, I look around, see no one, and go on in to freshen up in the restroom for a minute if that. I come back out, scan the room, no one else, and take a seat in the middle of the bar, obviously alone, and with a good view of the front door (at least of the winter curtains that are up to keep out the cold). The door is very audible; I look up every time it opens. No one of her description. I also notice the picture window but don’t exactly stare out of it the entire time. Time passes. 10 minutes, 15. I’m a musician; musicians are typically 15 minutes late. At 20 minutes I decide to send her a quick text just to point out that I’m at the bar, but there’s no rush. Sidenote; she has already pointed out an aversion to texts, but the music was pretty loud and I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to understand the conversation without putting all my layers back on and going back outside to talk. The phone rings a few minutes later. She states that she is driving home, and is livid. She never saw me. I’m stunned; I have been sitting at the bar from about 5:01 and on, and no one of her description came in the door. I tell her I’m sorry she feels the way she does, but I don’t apologize since I don’t know exactly what I would be apologizing for. I mention all of this to the bartender after the phone call ends, not exactly on the highest of notes, and he says he did notice someone of her description walk by the window but never come inside.
It’s winter; was I supposed to meet her outside and outside only? No one ever said on either side of the conversation “I’ll meet you outside,” rather, it was “I’ll meet you there.” I have meetings and other dates all the time; unless someone says “I’ll meet you outside”, I always go in and look for them, and grab a table if they’re not yet arrived, especially since I have reservations the vast majority of the time. If the weather is great, then sometimes I’ll hang around outside just because I want to. She said during the last conversation on the phone (that I could barely understand with the loud music) that I should have called, not texted. But she, too, could have called before driving away at the least. Did I really have a breach of protocol, here, or is this simply an overreaction that I have no control of?
City: Fort Lee
State: New Jersey
From the beginning, this woman was setting you and this date up to fail. I see this kind of behavior all the time at speeddating events. We had a woman show up to an event a few weeks ago and – from the moment she set foot in the bar – began pelting the host with questions and criticisms. Where are the men? Will there be more men? I thought there were going to be more men. Um, it’s ten after five. Calm down. Sure enough, she gets up and leaves at five-thirty because there weren’t enough men (in her opinion.) She could have had seven dates with seven men, but no. Does that make sense to you? If you pay to meet men, and have the opportunity to do so, and then turn around and leave, then it’s safe to say you never wanted to be there in the first place.
OP, you did nothing wrong other than overindulge this woman’s high maintenance attitude and paranoia. This woman is a classic Don’t Bee. She doesn’t like texting, she gets miffed if you suggest she find a place even though you’re actually trying to do her a favor, she doesn’t bother to walk inside the venue to see if you’re inside like any normal human being would. She doesn’t give an inch at all.
If she’s the one who suggested you chat on the phone first, then this is a textbook example of why people who require that phone call should be avoided at all costs. It’s a hoop to jump. Not only that, but people who still insist on that phone call usually overly suspicious and socially awkward. Coaches who tell women to insist on this phone call are almost ensuring that they only guys who will date them are desperate ones.
Any normal person with even a moderate amount of social skills knows to stick their head inside the venue and look around before leaving a previously agreed upon location. Not only did she not check inside, but she didn’t even bother to contact you in some way to make sure she had the right spot. Nope. She went right to The Don’t Bee Place and stomped off, never bothering to check in with you in some way just in case you were lying in a ditch somewhere. Of course, that’s if she even showed up at all. If she’s as nuts as she sounds, I could totally see her bailing last minute and not even telling you. The goal is to make the process easier, not more difficult. That’s the red flag to watch out for.
Next time, just shoot your date a text and say, “Hey, I got here a little early. I’m inside!” That way, you have your bases covered.
I call these people time wasters because they suck the ever loving life out of other people’s online dating experience. You stick around a site long enough and you learn how to spot them. Here are some other signs you might have an encountered a Dating Don’t Bee:
*They require a phone call- Seriously. If someone is still using that call as any kind of litmus test, they’re an idiot. There is absolutely no value to that call other than to learn if they have a speech impediment of some kind and even that isn’t a big deal.
*They won’t meet you half way. Literally. – Anybody who selects a venue location that is close to them but really far from you should get a hard pass. This isn’t the 1800’s where men were expected to go to the women.
*They require a few days or more of emailing before they’ll even consider meeting you. – Anybody who prefers to linger online is a flake and a time waster. If you’re someone who genuinely wants to meet people, then you know how arduous the back and forth messaging can get. No one should actively choose to engage in that, and if they do, then they’re scared little turtles afraid to come out of their shell. Next.
*They won’t give out any personal contact details. – Again, I have a zero tolerance policy for people who don’t give phone or email info and insist we communicate via the site only. Beat it. If they’re that secretive, they’re not going to open up easily. I’m not your shrink. I’m not getting paid to wait for you to have a breakthrough.
*They have disclaimers of any kind in their profile. – Nope. I’m not going to pay for the mistakes made by other people you’ve dated.
*They make you ask them for a photo of their face. – GTFO of here with that bullshit. No special snowflakes. Ever.
*They don’t text you after the date to say thank you. – Ru-hude! If you pay the bill and they don’t send you a thank you text or email, they’re suspect. You heard it here first. They’re abiding by some imaginary and outdated rule. Those people are exhausting. Always be gracious. Always.
*They show up to the date and order a soda or water while you have a cocktail. – I’ll get shit for this, but I’ll stand by it. Nobody likes to be the only person at the table drinking. Unless you’re in recovery or just don’t drink because you don’t like it, order a god damn drink and Sally Sip it if you must. Sitting there with a water just makes you look uptight. And passive aggressive. Personally, I won’t date non-drinkers because I like people who can kick back and have a couple of cocktails. YMMV on that one.
*They repeatedly ask you questions that make it clear they’re vetting you in some way. – If you’re someone who just can not bear to go on a date with someone without knowing their last name or their occupation, do everybody a favor and stay home. Maybe if you didn’t make the conversation feel like an interrogation, they’d answer your questions. I had a date like this several years ago. It was a series of rapid fire questions about my interests. There was no dialogue, it was just an interview. I came across his profile a few years later and messaged him to tell him that he was – by far – the worst online date I’d ever had.
*They state in their profile on in their questions that they never have first date sex. – Really? Never? You’re a barrel of monkeys, aren’t you? Either they want to show you how special and different they are or they have all kinds of rules about when they sleep with someone. Or they judge people for having sex on the first date. Nope to all three.