Is Her Guy Leading A Double Life?

Name: delusional
:
Question: So I wrote in last year terribly jaded with the dating scene. I got some pretty good advice the last time. Not long after, I met my boyfriend. After about six months in we moved in together, not so much out of a “OMG LET’S LIVE TOGETHER AND GET MARRIED” kind of attitude but because he was unexpectedly asked to move out and I figured if we are going to break up we’ll do it regardless of our living arrangements. It was supposed to be temporary but turned into a pretty permanent thing.

Cheating is something that’s come on quite a lot on our relationship. He’d been married for two years well before we met. It ended when he found out his ex had been having a 6 month long affair with a coworker.  He found some weird emails and started inquiring. According to him, he was completely wrecked since they had just started trying to have kids and all. It was the deception plus the realisation it was all over. He started going to therapy ever since and has been religiously going for the past 4 years. He always claimed heating and lying were a pretty big deal to him because of what he went through. Whenever the subject came up, he’d go on and on about how it’s so disrespectful to everyone involved blah blah. See where this is going? That was a pretty overkill foreshadowing.

Over the course of the relationship we have gotten really close. I met his family, he’s met mind that sort of stuff. I always felt like I was in pretty great company. Things had been going great except for one thing: He just started a new job about 2 months ago. Every time he got a phone call or a text from Lila, his coworker, I could tell something was off. It started with a mild smirk whenever she texted and then last week every time she called, he’d go into another room. Even with all his precaution his tone of voice was so obviously not a “this is a work call” tone. I once asked him, “So this Lila, woman, what’s up with her?” and he was like “She’s just my coworker”. Whatever. That didn’t lead to anything. Until yesterday.

I had a pretty long meeting so I got home really late. He was already here and decided to get take out when I arrived. I needed to get a project off of his computer but didn’t say anything since he knows I sometimes use it for work. But this time, when I moved the mouse it was opened in his session and a window with an email from Lila, first line of the body in big bolded letters: “I just want you to kiss me like you did before”. It was the longest email threat ever. I remember when he told me about his ex wife all I could think was “Who the hell keeps so much evidence of cheating on email?!”… well, they were definitely two of a kind. I read the entire thing, it seems to start off in that fake innocent way of “oh we’re just friendly” and ends up with the one I read first sent on thursday. I couldn’t find anything that said they had sex but everything on there was offensive enough. It was work, shameless flirting, some random things that imply he told her he lives
alone, and then the kissing stuff. I left everything as it was and went into the kitchen to call my therapist friend, I figured if anyone would know how to get me to stop shaking was him.

I was in the middle of the conversation when my boyfriend came back. He saw me frantically walking all over the kitchen and stood there waiting for me for hang up. He asked what was wrong and I told him “You. What’s going on with Lila?”. He completely denied for over an hour. I refused to talk, because I’m not going to build on a fucking lie. He went into the bedroom for a while and came back and asked me to come with him. I went and immediately saw his computer screen, he’d logged out of his email. He kept going about nothing ever happening with her and how nothing will ever happen blah blah. And I just sat there and told him “Listen, I already know you did. I get the compulsion to lie to save something but that’s not what’s going to happen, you either keep quiet and I’ll remember you as the biggest lying asshole ever, or you talk and we see what can be done”. Again “Nothing happened. She’s just my coworker. I just want you”. He slept on the guest room.

Now here’s the thing, let’s think of the absurd. Even if what I found is a completely innocent email thread between two co workers quoting dialogue from a Nicholas Spark movie, something is off. Even if I apparently don’t know my boyfriend, I know his behaviour and how he reacts to certain stuff. If I had brought up an affair with anyone else, he would have gotten mad as hell. Like unable to have a decent conversation mad. He probably would have been pissed enough to grab his car and head to a bar as he’s prone to do when he gets mad. There’s just no way he would have tried to first diffuse the situation, log out of his email, and calmly go to get me to find out why I believe he cheated. He’s not the type of person that tries to talk his way out of an argument.  All he’s been doing is denying and trying to get me to tell how do I know he cheated.

Here’s my question: I feel like I really need to know exactly what happened, I don’t know why. Should I just drop it? Is it a hopeless cause? Even if he does, I’m in pain and he cheated with a coworker it’s not like he’s not going to see her ever again, and I know I’d be uncomfortable as hell with the situation. Should I just forget it all?
Age: 27

 

After about six months in we moved in together, not so much out of a “OMG LET’S LIVE TOGETHER AND GET MARRIED” kind of attitude but because he was unexpectedly asked to move out

 

Hmm. Wonder why he was asked to move out without warning? I bet his story explaining that was a doozy.

I needed to get a project off of his computer but didn’t say anything since he knows I sometimes use it for work. But this time, when I moved the mouse it was opened in his session

I’ll go for an oldie but  a goodie gif:

Moving on.

Cheating is something that’s come on quite a lot on our relationship. He’d been married for two years well before we met. It ended when he found out his ex had been having a 6 month long affair with a coworker.  He found some weird emails and started inquiring. According to him, he was completely wrecked since they had just started trying to have kids and all.

Hey guess what? His last relationship didn’t end because his ex cheated. My theory is that it ended because he cheated. And guess with who? A co-worker. You know, like what he’s doing now. The two scenarios are exactly the same. I will bet any amount of money he’s been lying to you from that start. If he didn’t cheat, he made that story up so you would never think he would cheat on you.

I remember when he told me about his ex wife all I could think was “Who the hell keeps so much evidence of cheating on email?!”… well, they were definitely two of a kind.

Here’s the deal:

This guy is a sleaze bag who is leading on you and the woman from work. He’s lying to her and leading her to believe he lives alone. He’s lying to you and- worse – flaunting this woman in your face by taking her phone calls when he’s at home with you. Of course he got angry. He was caught and he knew it. He didn’t leave the evidence in plain view on his unlocked laptop by accident. He’s not stupid. He just didn’t care if you found it. He believes he can explain anything to you and you’ll believe him. Which, apparently, is accurate. You’ve bought all his lies up to now. What’s one more? He thinks you’re stupid, so stupid that he could cheat right under your nose and you’d never find out or that you’d look the other way and take him back if you did catch him. He doesn’t respect you and he doesn’t love you. He only cares about himself.

There’s nothing to figure out here. He’s leading a double life. What you should do – and everybody here knows I am not  a proponent of this- is contact the woman at work and tell her what he’s up to. The only reason I’m advocating for that is because you have proof that he’s leading her to believe something that isn’t true. She’s not banging your boy behind your back knowingly. In a case like that, eh, fuck her. You want to know what happened? Ask her. She’ll be more honest.  As for him, get rid of him.

Thoughts?

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27 Responses to “Is Her Guy Leading A Double Life?”

  1. BTownGirl Says:

    You need to Judge Judy this fool out of your house immediately (I’m reading this as he moved in with you). This letter is also an excellent example of why critical thinking is our friend when someone leads with a sob story about how wretched their ex was. Lots of people have awful relationships in their pasts and don’t bring it up, because it’s not relevant in a new relationship and they know yammering about it makes it sound like they’re not over it/still in love with the ex. If they’re harping on it, there’s a reason and it’s probably not a good one. For the first time in recorded history, I’m going to say “contact the coworker!” too – at the very least, you’ll spare her winding up in the situation you’re in now. The fact that you wrote in under the name “delusional” says that this dude is messing with your head and you need to get away from him ASAP. Onwards and upwards, girl!

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    • Tater B. Says:

      This makes so much sense hearing someone else say it.

      My most recent ex kept going on (and on) about his ex-wife. I could understand a comment here or there, but it was always something. I got irritated and said something about it, but I was the one blowing things out of proportion.

      Sorry, but anyone who keeps talking about it (to me) isn’t over it.

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      • BTownGirl Says:

        Agreed! My boyfriend is divorced with kids and doesn’t even talk about his (very nice, praise be) ex-wife as much as one of my exes talked about a woman he dated for, like, three months haha! It’s a bad look and you were absolutely not blowing anything out of proportion!

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  2. fuzzilla Says:

    Contacting the co-worker assumes that she’ll believe you, though.

    Otherwise I agree – kick this POS out STAT.

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  3. DrivingMeNutes Says:

    “Don’t contact the other woman” is the standard advice for good reason and no reason has been given to depart from that advice here. Your relationship with this guy is personal between you and him and has nothing to do with this other person no matter how tempted you may be to believe otherwise. There is nothing to be accomplished in reaching out to her and so I wouldn’t do it. As for the guy, you should break things off and ask him to leave. Don’t see the need for further discussion.

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    • D. Says:

      Yeah, I lean in this direction, too.

      I don’t really see any particular good coming from talking to the coworker. At best, she’ll be stunned, tell you what’s happened (which may or may not be very much), and break it off with the guy. At worst, she’ll flip out, call you a psycho, and otherwise disbelieve you. In neither case do you advance your own cause, really.

      The desire to know the truth is understandable, but you pretty much know what you need to already. You know that there’s something deeply weird going on with this guy, and you know that he’s not admitting it to you, so…what more do you need? Just end it with him and move on.

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      • UWSGal Says:

        I disagree. “Do onto others.. ” As a woman I would definitely like to be informed if I was in the co-workers shoes and potentially falling for this top-draw asshole. Definitely she should email the co-worker. I would send proof of co-habitation with it too. The co-worker can do what she wants with it, but she’ll be forewarned.

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        • D. Says:

          I’ll see your “Do unto others” and raise you a “No good deed goes unpunished.”

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          • fuzzilla Says:

            I kind of doubt the motivations of a woman who wants to “inform” the other woman. Do you really have her best interests at heart, or do you just want her to eat shit and stop fucking your man?

            Ideally, you shouldn’t be thinking of her at all but instead how best to extract yourself from the lying liar who lies ASAP. I mean, sure, you’re not a robot, you’re gonna be hurt, but you don’t want knowingly do things that would only prolong your pain and stir up more drama.

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            • K Says:

              Amen! I’d love to hear a story from a woman who actually informed the other woman/women and it turned out super well! Because I always tell my friends walk away, the mistress, the co worker, etc no one will really believe you or care and all you do is entangle yourself and increase your drama. It never turns out well for these friends.

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    • mamajuju Says:

      I agree. The wisest course of action is to avoid the other woman. It will only stir up drama and cause endless headaches. What could you hope to prove?
      Just kick that guy out of your apartment and your life.

      And please- change the locks immediately after he is gone.

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  4. Delusional Says:

    Op here: I just want to say thank you all for replying, and thank you Moxie for speaking your mind so clearly. Sometimes you can be truly godsend. I’ll give you the aftermath, even if it’s just to vent a little. I know it will be way too long.

    First: When I don’t understand something, I get obsessed. I know is an awful trait, I get completely paralysed because I can’t stop thinking about it. Ever. I need to get to the bottom of it. So obviously I’ve been uselessly working to find out what happened since Friday.

    Anyway, after the confrontation that night, I woke up and asked him to leave. He picked up some stuff. I called my friends. They came over, we went over the whole thing. I showed them the screenshots from the emails. That’s when one of them said exactly what you said, that chances are he’s the one who cheated on his ex, he even reminded me how uncomfortable I was with his story when we first started dating.

    A few hours later he texts me asking if he can come back, I tell him I needed some more time to think but he’s welcome to pick whatever he needs to spend the night wherever he wants to spend the night. He comes over, I follow him into the room and he asks me why my “hacker friend” (He works in programming and coding, etc) was there, as if implying I was planning to do something. I tell him I wouldn’t really need to since he left everything open and ask him again to tell me the truth, and again he keeps saying “nothing happened, nothing is happening, nothing will happen”. He leaves. My friends get me to eat and start the “break up ritual” of getting insufferably drunk, which wasn’t an option I was particularly attracted to, mainly because I wanted to spy on him while sober.

    I found even more stuff. Like him asking her to send some pictures, her sending selfies. She told him she was scared of starting a relationship with him, he told her he understood, and that there’s nothing worse than a risk not taken. Then the most recent emails of her showing him a vacation spot and he saying “oh you should take X”. And now that you mention it, why would he not change his passwords immediately if he never wanted to get caught?

    That’s when my therapist friend suggested the same thing you did: contact the coworker or X. We never found X, but we did find she has a kid and figure she wouldn’t like exposing him to an asshole. I was feeling incredibly vengeful, I decided to get proof. Summary of the text exchange:

    -What happened with Lila?
    -Nothing happened, I already told you
    -Why does she say you kissed her?
    -Because she’s crazy. Listen I’m not responsible for the things she writes. I don’t want to break up with you.
    -And you’re not responsible for the things you write to her either? You were the one encouraging her to sleep with you.
    -Nothing happened, nothing’s happening, nothing will happen. I swear. She’s nuts
    -How come she says you’re a good kisser?
    -It must have been a kiss on the cheek
    -Oh, right… that makes sense. Your cheek is so sweet that she just thought it was amazing. Dude, the only reason I was asking is because I was still hoping you’d come clean and fix this.
    -So we can’t now just because she’s crazy and a liar?
    -Really? just come pick your stuff up on Monday, I don’t want to see you right now.
    -But all my stuff is there I don’t even have my work clothes

    I made screenshots of the entire thing. I figure if she isn’t a piece of shit like him, she’d be offended. I Handed them over to my friend and just let him do whatever he wanted. Next I picked all his clothes and behaved like a child, aka. I ripped all the buttons on every single shirt ever so slightly so that they would stay on but loose enough so that they would come off when he tries them on. Early Monday morning my friend sent the screenshots to the coworker. We made sure she saw them. She never replied but we did see she started to write back only to erase it all. About half an hour passed and he texted me apologising and saying he didn’t want to break up, I felt a little more ballsy than I do right now so I asked him “What happened? Did you get rejected?”. He just asked when he could come over to pick up his shit.

    When he came around he immediately started crying and sobbing and telling me how sorry he was, I asked why would he be sorry when he hadn’t done anything, wasn’t doing anything and won’t do anything. He told me his story:

    He had given her a ride on Monday, when he dropped her off, she grabbed him and pressed her lips against his. He didn’t say anything because he was scared. When confronted, he didn’t know what to say because it didn’t mean anything. He was “just asking for pictures because she said she got a makeover”. He let her on because of the thrill. He didn’t tell her to stop because he “wasn’t interested” and the whole thing wouldn’t go anywhere. He was “self destructing” and “couldn’t help it”.

    Now this is the same guy, that whenever an ex texted, would let me know immediately or even if someone flirted with him, he’d tell me. So this was inconsistent AF.

    I asked him to call her and put her on speaker. She was pissed when she answered after like 3 attempts, but she did answer my questions. The laughably fake story more or less checks out, but she did confirm she thought he had broken up with me a few weeks prior because he implied it in conversation along with the fact that he was living alone. She said what any rational human being would say: the fact that he never stopped the flirting made her think it was ok. When she got the text that morning, she was too scared to reply to me so instead she asked him about it and ended things. Then she apologised and hung up.

    He, of course, starting apologising again saying how it all had been a mistake how he wanted me back. He kept going on about how he’ll have no problem moving out and giving me space, because he wanted to start from zero again, and then he turned. Saying how we (meaning me and my “hacker friend”) had violated his privacy even though I’d already told him I was the one who went through his emails when I first saw them. Anyway, he got almost everything out, except for a few of the heavier boxes with his expensive -and newly broken- headphones.

    As for me, I have no idea what to think. I do, rationally. Not emotionally. I spent so much time turning off that little voice that told me something was wrong every time something didn’t make sense because i didn’t want to be a “cynic”, that now I don’t know what the hell is right or wrong. I miss him which pisses me off to no end. I hate people who don’t respect me and men who immediately go to the “she’s crazy” non starter when confronted. I don’t want to think about the “good times”, they are thoroughly tainted now. I barely made it through work, and haven’t been able to write (except for this), which sucks since that’s what I do for a living.

    Ps: In case you’re feeling like reading another one of his badly constructed stories: He was living in a studio apartment his mom rents out since he “couldn’t afford anything else after the divorce”. She had a psychotic breakdown, kicked him out and disappeared for a couple of days. When she emerged back she was hospitalised. I was there when she appeared so I know that much is true, I saw how out of it she was and how hard it was for her to recover. Now, whether her fixation with him trying to steal all her money was purely a product of her mental estate or based on a somewhat true event, is something I wouldn’t venture to even try to dissect.

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    • BTownGirl Says:

      Yes, you DO have an idea of what you think! He’s a lying liar who lies. Being with someone sane does not require Jessica Fletcher hijinks, so I get the urge to get at least one straight answer, but it’s a waste of time. Dude is trying to “bitches be crazy” his own MOTHER. Disengage. Full stop.

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    • DrivingMeNutes Says:

      Why don’t you go out with the hacker or the therapist? They seem like such nice guys.

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    • UWSGal Says:

      Classic. Slap yourself sister. This guy is bad news and you know it. Been there done those crazy things, which feels good to do in the moment but in the long run the answer is always the same: dump him.

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    • mxf Says:

      Not to pile on, because you are likely feeling pretty raw, but I don’t think he didn’t tell you about the kiss because he was scared. He didn’t tell you because he was enjoying stringing this girl along and he hadn’t decided yet how far he would take the flirtation. The fact that he turned on her as a “crazy liar” in an effort to save himself speaks volumes about his character.

      It’s normal to miss the good parts, and no one is perfect, but ask yourself this: is anyone with such a powerful sense of self-preservation really ready or capable of putting you, or anyone else, before himself?

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    • wishing u well Says:

      Maybe it’s me but your reaction of damaging his property was way over the line. And considering how long you guys dated, it should be a personal red flag. Perhaps time for some therapy and reflection would be an excellent next step. And your personal intuition exists for a reason. Don’t ignore the. And this dude appears to be a mooch who pretends to be in relationships in exchange for a lowered cost of living. Drop him.

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  5. Selena Says:

    You can’t “un-know” what you know.

    You don’t trust your boyfriend. You don’t believe him when he tells you he isn’t cheating. You WANT to believe it isn’t true, but your gut is telling you it is true.

    If Lila the co-worker told you nothing was going on, would that make you trust your boyfriend?

    If you can’t feel you can trust him, why are you with him?

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  6. Richard Says:

    You’re better off without this guy. The word ‘wanker’ was invented for no other purpose than to describe this guy. I am sorry this has happened to you or may do to anyone else in the future ever again.

    If you’d entertain a question, I have one for you. What attracted you to this guy originally? Is he really good looking? Wealthy? Charming?

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    • Delusional Says:

      Well, can’t say most people would say he’s “really good looking”. He’s really average looking if not slightly below average. He’s not wealthier than I am. And not really extraordinarily charming.

      We met on a work related workshop. He asked me out, and though he’s not the hottest guy ever to walk the earth, I was attracted to him. I thought he was funny and really great company. I enjoyed hearing his take on things and debating lots of stuff. Plus that stupid “we just click on so many levels” type of thing.

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      • Richard Says:

        Thank you for the response. Forgive my prying nature but I was genuinely curious as to what attracted you to him.

        Best of luck with future boyfriends!

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  7. coffeestop Says:

    I would just kick his ass out.

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  8. SB Says:

    Oh man, the mother thing. The saying is true: How he treats his mother…. That right there. That’s the deal breaker. The rest is icing. Karma will get this guy.

    Walk away, do not look back.

    I like your hacker friend.

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    • KK Says:

      Karma will get this guy/ WHY do people say this? No. Plenty of people do horrible things and nothing bad happens. And karma, in a religious context, is what happens in the NEXT life. So, the idea is that in the next life he will come back as a roach.

      the fact that he is shit to his mother is a damn good indication that he will treat women horribly.

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  9. Yvonne Says:

    OP, your attitude towards relationships and dating is what got you into this mess. I’d say you are still “terribly jaded” in that regard. After knowing your boyfriend for only 6 months, you moved in together thinking that it wasn’t a big deal, and that you might break up anyway. That proved to be a huge mistake.

    “I spent so much time turning off that little voice that told me something was wrong every time something didn’t make sense because i didn’t want to be a “cynic”, that now I don’t know what the hell is right or wrong.”

    Another big mistake, because your gut feeling exists in order to protect you in situations like this. Never disregard it.

    Also, you write that his mother is psychotic. That’s dangerous too, because your boyfriend could have inherited this mental illness, or at the very least, her condition may have had a major impact on his own mental health.

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    • fuzzilla Says:

      **“I spent so much time turning off that little voice that told me something was wrong every time something didn’t make sense because i didn’t want to be a “cynic”, that now I don’t know what the hell is right or wrong.”

      Another big mistake, because your gut feeling exists in order to protect you in situations like this. Never disregard it.**

      Yeah, I think we’ve all been there. “I keep dating such assholes. I don’t trust my judgment at all.” So then you disregard *every* judgment you make and…keep dating assholes.

      It strikes me that when people call someone else “so crazy/psychotic,” there’s a 90% chance they really just mean “loves drama.” Or in any event, that’s all that’s actually wrong with the person.

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