Question: So I wrote in last year terribly jaded with the dating scene. I got some pretty good advice the last time. Not long after, I met my boyfriend. After about six months in we moved in together, not so much out of a “OMG LET’S LIVE TOGETHER AND GET MARRIED” kind of attitude but because he was unexpectedly asked to move out and I figured if we are going to break up we’ll do it regardless of our living arrangements. It was supposed to be temporary but turned into a pretty permanent thing.
Cheating is something that’s come on quite a lot on our relationship. He’d been married for two years well before we met. It ended when he found out his ex had been having a 6 month long affair with a coworker. He found some weird emails and started inquiring. According to him, he was completely wrecked since they had just started trying to have kids and all. It was the deception plus the realisation it was all over. He started going to therapy ever since and has been religiously going for the past 4 years. He always claimed heating and lying were a pretty big deal to him because of what he went through. Whenever the subject came up, he’d go on and on about how it’s so disrespectful to everyone involved blah blah. See where this is going? That was a pretty overkill foreshadowing.
Over the course of the relationship we have gotten really close. I met his family, he’s met mind that sort of stuff. I always felt like I was in pretty great company. Things had been going great except for one thing: He just started a new job about 2 months ago. Every time he got a phone call or a text from Lila, his coworker, I could tell something was off. It started with a mild smirk whenever she texted and then last week every time she called, he’d go into another room. Even with all his precaution his tone of voice was so obviously not a “this is a work call” tone. I once asked him, “So this Lila, woman, what’s up with her?” and he was like “She’s just my coworker”. Whatever. That didn’t lead to anything. Until yesterday.
I had a pretty long meeting so I got home really late. He was already here and decided to get take out when I arrived. I needed to get a project off of his computer but didn’t say anything since he knows I sometimes use it for work. But this time, when I moved the mouse it was opened in his session and a window with an email from Lila, first line of the body in big bolded letters: “I just want you to kiss me like you did before”. It was the longest email threat ever. I remember when he told me about his ex wife all I could think was “Who the hell keeps so much evidence of cheating on email?!”… well, they were definitely two of a kind. I read the entire thing, it seems to start off in that fake innocent way of “oh we’re just friendly” and ends up with the one I read first sent on thursday. I couldn’t find anything that said they had sex but everything on there was offensive enough. It was work, shameless flirting, some random things that imply he told her he lives
alone, and then the kissing stuff. I left everything as it was and went into the kitchen to call my therapist friend, I figured if anyone would know how to get me to stop shaking was him.
I was in the middle of the conversation when my boyfriend came back. He saw me frantically walking all over the kitchen and stood there waiting for me for hang up. He asked what was wrong and I told him “You. What’s going on with Lila?”. He completely denied for over an hour. I refused to talk, because I’m not going to build on a fucking lie. He went into the bedroom for a while and came back and asked me to come with him. I went and immediately saw his computer screen, he’d logged out of his email. He kept going about nothing ever happening with her and how nothing will ever happen blah blah. And I just sat there and told him “Listen, I already know you did. I get the compulsion to lie to save something but that’s not what’s going to happen, you either keep quiet and I’ll remember you as the biggest lying asshole ever, or you talk and we see what can be done”. Again “Nothing happened. She’s just my coworker. I just want you”. He slept on the guest room.
Now here’s the thing, let’s think of the absurd. Even if what I found is a completely innocent email thread between two co workers quoting dialogue from a Nicholas Spark movie, something is off. Even if I apparently don’t know my boyfriend, I know his behaviour and how he reacts to certain stuff. If I had brought up an affair with anyone else, he would have gotten mad as hell. Like unable to have a decent conversation mad. He probably would have been pissed enough to grab his car and head to a bar as he’s prone to do when he gets mad. There’s just no way he would have tried to first diffuse the situation, log out of his email, and calmly go to get me to find out why I believe he cheated. He’s not the type of person that tries to talk his way out of an argument. All he’s been doing is denying and trying to get me to tell how do I know he cheated.
Here’s my question: I feel like I really need to know exactly what happened, I don’t know why. Should I just drop it? Is it a hopeless cause? Even if he does, I’m in pain and he cheated with a coworker it’s not like he’s not going to see her ever again, and I know I’d be uncomfortable as hell with the situation. Should I just forget it all?
After about six months in we moved in together, not so much out of a “OMG LET’S LIVE TOGETHER AND GET MARRIED” kind of attitude but because he was unexpectedly asked to move out
Hmm. Wonder why he was asked to move out without warning? I bet his story explaining that was a doozy.
I needed to get a project off of his computer but didn’t say anything since he knows I sometimes use it for work. But this time, when I moved the mouse it was opened in his session
I’ll go for an oldie but a goodie gif:
Cheating is something that’s come on quite a lot on our relationship. He’d been married for two years well before we met. It ended when he found out his ex had been having a 6 month long affair with a coworker. He found some weird emails and started inquiring. According to him, he was completely wrecked since they had just started trying to have kids and all.
Hey guess what? His last relationship didn’t end because his ex cheated. My theory is that it ended because he cheated. And guess with who? A co-worker. You know, like what he’s doing now. The two scenarios are exactly the same. I will bet any amount of money he’s been lying to you from that start. If he didn’t cheat, he made that story up so you would never think he would cheat on you.
I remember when he told me about his ex wife all I could think was “Who the hell keeps so much evidence of cheating on email?!”… well, they were definitely two of a kind.
Here’s the deal:
This guy is a sleaze bag who is leading on you and the woman from work. He’s lying to her and leading her to believe he lives alone. He’s lying to you and- worse – flaunting this woman in your face by taking her phone calls when he’s at home with you. Of course he got angry. He was caught and he knew it. He didn’t leave the evidence in plain view on his unlocked laptop by accident. He’s not stupid. He just didn’t care if you found it. He believes he can explain anything to you and you’ll believe him. Which, apparently, is accurate. You’ve bought all his lies up to now. What’s one more? He thinks you’re stupid, so stupid that he could cheat right under your nose and you’d never find out or that you’d look the other way and take him back if you did catch him. He doesn’t respect you and he doesn’t love you. He only cares about himself.
There’s nothing to figure out here. He’s leading a double life. What you should do – and everybody here knows I am not a proponent of this- is contact the woman at work and tell her what he’s up to. The only reason I’m advocating for that is because you have proof that he’s leading her to believe something that isn’t true. She’s not banging your boy behind your back knowingly. In a case like that, eh, fuck her. You want to know what happened? Ask her. She’ll be more honest. As for him, get rid of him.