Question: Hi there. I’m hoping you can provide insight into my situation. I met a guy on a dating site. Let’s call him “Pablo.” We went on a first date, kept it short and it was great. Later that night he text and planned another date which was 3 days later. Second date was great and before the date ended he asked when I’d be free again. I told him that I’d check my calendar and get back to him. I did and got back to him the following evening. He told me that he would get back to me. He has told me previously that his boss is retiring which greatly affects him- he has to find a new job by the end of year. So two days after not solidifying our plans, I told him that I made other plans for that day, and wished him good luck with his search. He thanked me and expressed how stressed he was and how much work he has to do AND look for a new job on top of it. I offered positive encouragement.
He did not offer to reschedule said date. And he hasn’t initiated any contact since. It has just been one day though.
I’m curious if he’s not interested or if he truly is busy. I can see that he hasn’t been active on the dating app for the past week (when we met). I’m thinking that I won’t initiate any further contact. If he wants to talk or meet up then I’ll let him take the lead. Just curious if that’s the right approach.
So two days after not solidifying our plans, I told him that I made other plans for that day, and wished him good luck with his search.
Wait. You mean your rather obvious ultimatum didn’t work? That’s surprising.
No it’s not. This trick rarely works.
Listen, I get how frustrating and disappointing it is to think you’ve met a good guy only for him to cancel or fade. It sucks. But you screwed the pooch on this one. You could have just contacted him and asked, “Hey, did you still want to meet up on Friday?” Instead, you got passive aggressive thinking your threat of walking would motivate him. We all know this trick. We know when we’re trying to be coerced or have our hand forced. He read your message, knew you were playing a game, and he walked because he wasn’t invested. I’ve done this, too, and 100% of the time it’s blown up in my face. Although, in my case, it’s when guys cancel. That hurts my feelings, even if their reason is rational. What can I say? I’m sensitive.
For the record, I think making plans and then just pretending you didn’t is rude. In this case, though, it’s unclear if he was fading or just sincerely busy. That’s why you don’t leap to conclusions so quickly. In a situation like that, give a person a few days to a week. He told you ahead of time he was jammed up at work. He wasn’t making conversation when he told you about his work situation. He was warning you so that you would understand when he went radio silent for a few days.
He won’t contact you. Not only did you blow him off, but you were kind snotty about it. If you want to see this guy again, you’re going to have to ovary up and ask him out. Which sucks because now you won’t know if he’s going because he’s genuinely interested or because he thinks, “Why not? Maybe I’ll get laid.”
It absolutely sucks to sit around and wait for someone you like to follow up. I totally empathize, but these early stages are all about stops and starts. People are busy and many are juggling options, thanks to all the ways they have to get dates. You have to get used to that and plan accordingly. Bite the bullet and wait it out. If they go a week without following up, you have your answer.