Why Did He Let Her Help Pay The Bill?

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Name: Anonymous
:
Question: So I went on a third date with this guy I like but I have a hard time reading. I cannot say I am totally into him, but I would be interested in one or two more dates to make sure. He suggested a place that was a bit pricey. He ordered more things than me. When the bill came, I offered to pay like I always do. Except for the movies in the previous date, he had paid the previous dinners, both at nice restaurants.  I really wanted to help out. He accepted my offer, and I was a bit shocked of the price, but I said, “I am glad we are splitting, the full amount is a lot!” I wanted to prove that I am nice and considerate. He said he would have gladly paid for the entire thing.
Anyway, after we left we walked together to the t, and I gave him some candy from my country (I had just come back, and he had texted me while I was away). When we said good-bye, he gave me a tight hug… but then he said “see you around”. I was pretty shocked. He just blew me off!
I sent him a text thanking him for the dinner and the good time, and he replied “you are certainly welcome. I enjoyed your company very much.” I had a bad feeling. Then he sent another text saying he had made it home and thanked me for the candy. At this point I was thinking that this guy was definitely hard to read.
I sent a quick text yesterday, just to test the waters, and he didn’t reply.
As I said, I like him, but I am not crazy about him. But I just wonder if it was a mistake offering to pay my part. Could have he thought I was too interested? Not interested? I just wanted to be considerate. So many times you hear complaints about gold diggers and high-maintenance divas… BTW, he makes way a lot more than me.
Age: 41

 

Okay. I think there might be a bit of a language barrier both here and on your date. My guess is that it’s as simple as he wasn’t interested in seeing you again so he gladly accepted your offer to help pay. How much he makes is irrelevant. You offered, so suck it up. You’re acting like you did him a favor by offering to help pay a hefty bill, a bill you contributed to by ordering food and drinks for yourself. He had every right to allow you to chip in. He’s not obligated to pay. Saying out loud, “Gosh, I’m glad we’re splitting this because it’s expensive” is bad form. Like, dudes shell out that kind of money all the time. Don’t expect a guy to sympathize for you in that moment.

Your first mistake was thinking you had to prove to this guy that you were nice and considerate by offering to help pay. The fact that you’re a thoughtful human being should come through in other ways. You shouldn’t have to make a grand gesture. Offering to help pay a check on a date is not the way to prove your a good person. However, it is a way to show appreciation. That’s what guys want to see.

He’s not hard to read. He’s just not interested in seeing you again. I doubt it had anything to do with the whole “who pays” saga from earlier in the evening.  There’s no need to over-analyze, especially when you weren’t that into him in the first place.  You’re only bothered because you pretended to want to help with the bill and he accepted, then said ta-ta. You’re upset because you didn’t get to reject him first. The fact that he did it now has you feeling slighted, which is stupid.

 

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22 Responses to “Why Did He Let Her Help Pay The Bill?”

  1. DrivingMeNutes Says:

    You sent him home on the subway. You should have invited him up to your place after dinner. You didn’t want to, and that’s fine. But that’s very likely why there is no fourth date.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 17 Thumb down 22

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    • Eliza Says:

      DMN…Dinner? they just went out for dinner. What? A night cap?
      She didn’t need to invite him into her place to demonstrate her level of interest. If there is mutual chemistry and interest…that’s all that matters. The LW wouldn’t be writing in.
      He would stay engaged and be in contact with her. Regardless if she paid or not.

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      • DrivingMeNutes Says:

        For me, if there’s no physical connection by second or third date, I don’t continue for “one or two more dates” just to see. She shouldn’t hook up with the guy obviously since she has no interest but the consequence is: no more dates. It’s not surprising or confusing to me at all. You’re not entitled to someone’s endless time and attention, not to mention drinks and dinners.

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        • BTownGirl Says:

          Agreed – if no one’s making a move for at least a kiss, I’m outta there too. Right or wrong, people aren’t going to go out again hoping they get something physical on date four. It sounds like the LW and her date didn’t have easy chemistry (maybe I’m misinterpreting “hard to read”), so I don’t think a fourth date was in the offing either way.

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          • Yvonne Says:

            Usually it’s the man who moves in for the kiss. In this case, he gave her…a hug. It doesn’t sound like he was interested in her romantically, although he might have accepted no strings sex given the opportunity.

            Many men who are really interested (and considering he picked the place and ordered more) will not accept a woman’s offer to pay early on. In fact, I’ve had guys wonder if my offer meant I didn’t have romantic interest, so you never know.

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            • BTownGirl Says:

              Agree! Honestly, I’ve never offered to pay on a first date. For subsequent dates, I was always just like, “here, let me grab this round!”, so I don’t get why people turn this into a Stage Ten Drama haha! I’ll probably get killed for this, but my boyfriend pays when we go out and is just happy that I cook for him – granted, he’s 15 years older than I am, so he thinks it’s funny when I offer to pay. My way of evening things out is going all-out on his birthday and bringing everything over with me when I cook at his house. Couldn’t agree more that all of this is irrelevant when there’s genuine interest on both sides.

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        • Parenting Says:

          He seemingly made his decision to reject her during dinner not when she failed to invite him home. Dont muddy the waters.

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          • DrivingMeNutes Says:

            I see no evidence of a “decision.” It’s really beyond simple.

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            • Parenting Says:

              He went from paying for dinner to accepting her financial contribution and finishing off with a hug good bye not even trying for anything more. Your hypothetic narative is as good as mine. At minimum we can both agree that her financial contribution had no impact on his level of interest.

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    • KK Says:

      If she had invited him up he would have accepted.it might have resulted in a 4th.date. but having sex would not have resulted in a relationship. He wasnt interested. Having sex doesnt make a guy interested. Two people like each other or they dont. And when they do, ypu cant have sex too early and people are slso willing to wait. Up to a point

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  2. Beta Male Says:

    Never say anything you are not willing to do.

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  3. Noquay Says:

    You mentioned having a hard time reading him. Listen to your gut, it’s generally spot on.

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    • Anonymous Says:

      Yes, Noquay, you and Moxie are right. I was saying that I had a hard time reading him because I didn’t feel any chemistry and it didn’t seem to me that he liked me, but then he would contact me and and send texts and asked me out. We did have a last exchange yesterday and we decided we were not a match. He probably accepted my offer because he didn’t want to invest in me anymore, and I offer to split the bill out of appreciation and feeling obligated. It’s all good.

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      • fuzzilla Says:

        **He probably accepted my offer because he didn’t want to invest in me anymore**

        Yup, this is how it feels to a lot of women when a guy accepts her offer to contribute to the bill – that it’s code for “not interested.” I mean, at least the first couple dates. Things can be more 50/50 once a relationship is established. This is why these “who pays?” arguments never die.

        Guys, if you’re interested and you let a woman contribute to the bill, you better make DAMN sure your interest is crystal clear in other ways (checking in, making concrete plans within a reasonable time frame, etc.).

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  4. Nia Says:

    Yeah, if things are going well and chemistry is sizzling, you don’t need to “prove you’re a considerate person” or any of that. Your actions over time prove that. All you have to do is be you. If you’re comfortable picking up the tab, you don’t do the “Dad double take” on the number, you simply slip your card across the table or hand him some cash. You don’t do things like calculate exactly how much he’s paid and you have paid and how much more money he makes than you. You make gestures like that out of natural politeness or ingrained good manners.
    Also, if YOU don’t feel chemistry, YOU should be offering to pay the bill so that it doesn’t appear that you’re taking advantage of him. I agree that sometimes chemistry takes a bit to really warm up. But if you’re not feelin’ it by date 2, it’s a given that on date 3, you’ll be splitting the bill or doing something very low cost.
    Generally I try to pay or split on a first date. If this is waved off and there’s a second date, sometimes I will “treat” to desert or pay parking, or spot him for a coffee or some other small gesture, saying “you paid last time, let me get this.” Most guys will feel weird about letting a woman pick up the whole tab, but a small gesture shows that you like him and you want him to know you can hold your own and you appreciate him.

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  5. Eliza Says:

    When I am on the fence, from date 1…I offer to pay my share. Now, if it’s a lame coffee date at a Starbuck’s, we are talking a $4 coffee…and I will STILL just pay, and many times, the guy will just buy the coffee. It’s a lame meet up spot, but that’s fine. If it’s a first online chance meeting, on a weeknight, somewhere convenient to where I live or workout. Fine. And if I offer to contribute, I don’t sit there, calculate and state out loud – how expensive the bill is, or anything in the nature…it’s just in bad taste.

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    • Anonymous Says:

      When I offered to split the bill, he said first, “Look, it’s a lot!” I said, “It doesn’t matter. Let’s split.” Then I made the comment that I was glad we were splitting. Maybe we are both crass (we didn’t vote for Trump, though. At least I didn’t.), I guess. Anyway, thanks for the feedback and I won’t be making any comments like that any more!

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  6. sarah Says:

    “I really wanted to help out.”

    No, you didn’t.

    “I wanted to prove that I am nice and considerate.”

    No, you were being passive aggressive.

    “He said he would have gladly paid for the entire thing.”

    That’s so funny because his actions clearly indicate otherwise.

    “See you around.”

    No, you won’t.

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    • fuzzilla Says:

      It seems like the crux of the never-ending “who pays?” arguments is the man or woman arguing whether or not they are a good and honorable person who is a joy to date. Interest in the other person doesn’t enter into the equation.

      Point being, I doubt anyone would be sweating a couple dollars here or there if they truly had a great time and were genuinely interested in seeing their date again (but yes, good manners are always your friend and can tip the balance in our out of your favor, all else being equal).

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  7. UWSGal Says:

    I think this can be boiled down to a rule of thumb: if you feel the need to prove that you’re a “nice girl”/”cool girl” by doing things that are somewhat outside of your boundaries, the relationship is dead.

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  8. Bree Says:

    If he wanted to see you again or at least try to sleep with you he would’ve INSISTED on paying the whole bill and PAID, in spite of your “offer,” which he obviously called you on. That’s how men do, no matter how much we all want to believe in chivalry. The “who pays” argument boils down to whether you deny it’s a sexist, prostitutional transaction or not. At the same time, everyone seems to accept that when a woman pays her share or (gasp!) the whole date, it releases her from the implied obligation for sex (or more dates) and she has to show her interest in other ways if she’s hoping for a truly egalitarian relationship. So, LW, he was relieved when you offered to pay.

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