Did He Really Get a Girlfriend Overnight?

 

Name: KK
:
Question: Hi,

So I wrote to you awhile back about going back on online dating, and have been back on okcupid for about a month.

About two weeks ago this guy messaged me on okc and quickly asked for my number.  We texted a lot, which is a mistake I will not make again, and arranged for a date last Friday. He texted me right after I left to say he had a good time and asked if I wanted to meet up again and I said yes. We agreed to meet Monday, and we kept texting all weekend but on Monday early afternoon I canceled and asked when would be a good time for another date. He couldn’t do Wednesday though Friday, which in retrospect should have been a red flag, I guess. But we agreed to Sunday. On Tuesday we were texting all day when we were free, and in the evening I didn’t reply at all as I was at a show.  When I got home I said I would see him Sunday and he said good night. On Wednesday no communication and I thought it was strange since he had been texting me daily but thought maybe he was busy.  On Thursday I didn’t hear from him so in the afternoon I texted him to ask if we were still on for Sunday and he said yes. He clearly didn’t want to talk so I thought that he had lost interest. We had no communication until Sunday when I decided to ask him what was up. He told me that it was really nice meeting me but he was seeing someone seriously. I told him congratulations.

So this is where I am confused.  I could get if he just lost interest from one day to the next – it happens – we meet someone we like more. I just don’t understand the timeline.  Like, he couldn’t stop texting on Tuesday, and then radio silence on Wednesday.  How could he have met someone he liked late Tuesday night so that he would be over it by Wednesday morning? Did that happen? Or was he dating someone else before me and just texting me all day every day for the attention until he found out if the girl he really liked liked him back?

I don’t understand what happened and I don’t even get why I am so annoyed when I didn’t even like him particularly  in the first place. I wouldn’t have been bothered if he had told me we weren’t a good match because I’d sensed his lack of interest on Thursday. But that he is seriously dating someone, I just…am flummoxed.

I could use your advice, thank you.
Age:

 

Ah, yes. The “hedging your bets” person.

First, keep in mind that he probably isn’t “seriously” dating anyone. I mean, maybe in his mind he is, but to most people what he’s doing is just considered dating.

To recap:

This guy immediately texts you after your first date to set up the second date. You arrange a date for two days later, on Monday. Monday comes and you cancel. (Booooooooooooooooo!) He says he can’t do Wednesday through Friday. You agree on Sunday, not Saturday. You continue texting and then you fade out of the conversation Tuesday night and reply later in the evening when you get home. He replies and says goodnight. You do not reply for a day and a half. You contact him Thursday to confirm Sunday and he says things are a go. You don’t reply until Sunday, where you ask him what’s up.

Here’s what happened:

This guy was eager to hit the ground running and get things moving with you. You committed the egregious sin of having  a life and not being all up in his face 24/7. He assumed you were either seeing someone else or not interested. He lied when he said he was seriously dating someone to get back at you. Now, he could have been out with someone a few times, but the chances that he was “seriously” dating someone in the span of a week are almost non-existent. He was bothered by the fact that you were showing the same level of interest that he was showing. Could he have been dating someone else at the same time? Of course. But the only reason she (if she exists) won the prize is because she was as responsive (read: available) as he was. The fact that this guy couldn’t wait to ask you out again shows you how anxious (read: desperate) he was to get something started. If you were on the fence about him and he was rushing to get the second date set up, there was a real disconnect there, a disconnect I bet he felt, too. But, hey, who cares? Girlfriendgirlfriendgirlfriend. He plowed ahead regardless. Red flag.

I don’t understand what happened and I don’t even get why I am so annoyed when I didn’t even like him particularly  in the first place.

Yes, and he sensed that you weren’t that into him, which is why he was doing the pair and a spare thing or cut you off. This guy did the pre-emptive strike thing that we were discussing last week. He was praying you emailed him to see what was going on so he could stick it to you.

If he is seriously dating someone, he’s someone who just wanted a relationship and wasn’t being all that particular in his selection process. You’re annoyed because you feel like he strung you along while all the while you thought you were the one deigning to give him a second pity date.

Now let’s address the whole “I wasn’t all that into him but I went out with him anyway” part. I know people think that going on a second “just in case” date is noble, but really it’s a huge waste of time for the other person. I never ever want to be on a date with someone who is “meh” about me. It’s one thing to feel that chemistry but not be sure. It’s an entirely different thing to know you’re not feeling it but think chemistry might develop. Please, please, please stop listening to these myths and fairy tales about frogs turning into princes. It rarely if ever happens. You are probably not screwing with fate’s design by not giving someone a second date. Also consider this: men are not fed this nonsense. Dude bros don’t sit around telling their friends, “Hey, man. Go out with her again. You never know.” Only women are encouraged to do this, because God forbid they miss out on a chance to find a man and get married.

Going forward, if you’re not feeling any palpable connection of attraction, turn the person down for a second date. If you do like them, then be responsive. You don’t have to be on top of your phone and returning every message immediately, but if they message you, try to message them at some point during the same day. Dropping in and out of conversations, sending delayed text responses, canceling dates etc. screams “I don’t care.” Don’t treat someone like that, especially if you know they’re more into you than you are into them. You can make your interest known without being too available.

As for the people in the guy’s shoes,  learn how to read a room. If you’re the one always initiating contact or if they’re not matching the tone of your messages, then back off a bit. It’s okay if they’re not all over you like an excitable puppy, but it’s not a good sign if their responses or reactions read as distant or indifferent.

Thoughts?

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18 Responses to “Did He Really Get a Girlfriend Overnight?”

  1. DrivingMeNutes Says:

    For diagnostic purposes, can we know (a) the reason you cancelled last minute on Monday and (b) the explanation you gave him for canceling, if different than a.

    Also, the content of the texts is more important than the fact of it, or frequency. Otherwise, we are all just wildly speculating as to the guy’s motivation. If you want wild speculation, I’d say that he was not happy with your cancellation and lack of responsiveness and level of nterest and moved on. Not sure why he would be criticized for that – as, at least according to KK, he made the right decision. Ie he read the room.

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    • KK Says:

      Oh, he definitely read the room right. I was mostly annoyed that he didn’t even bother to cancel.

      I told him that I was super busy last Monday. It was true, though I think if I’d been really into him, I’d have met up with him.

      The texts were a lot of us joking around but he kept on trying to sext and I kept shutting him down. Also, on Tuesday, he said goodnight and I’m pretty sure I replied likewise and then neither of us said a thing until I texted Thursday.

      I think from now on I will not do a second date if I am not actually into a guy. It is true – only women do this and, really, it’s never worked so fat. I would like to add that I was totally responsive to all his texts until Monday night when I was busy.

      Actually, what is funny is that when I texted him yesterday, I never expected a response, and I seriously think asking what was up was a mistake. Live and learn, I guess.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 4

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  2. Anonymous Says:

    “Also consider this: men are not fed this nonsense. Dude bros don’t sit around telling their friends, “Hey, man. Go out with her again. You never know.” Only women are encouraged to do this, because God forbid they miss out on a chance to find a man and get married.”

    This one was awesome, Moxie. After all these years, I never saw anyone put it so clearly. Thanks.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 8 Thumb down 3

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  3. BTownGirl Says:

    “Please, please, please stop listening to these myths and fairy tales about frogs turning into princes. It rarely if ever happens. You are probably not screwing with fate’s design by not giving someone a second date.”

    So true! There’s a vast difference between “I was feeling the chemistry, but I couldn’t get a great read on what they’re looking for” (makes sense to go on another date) and “I wasn’t feeling it, but my coworker said her second cousin twice removed wasn’t attracted to her future husband at all on the first date” (don’t even bother, the Mythical Cousin just really, really wanted a relationship).

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 10 Thumb down 5

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    • Anonymous Says:

      Wow! Another great piece of wisdom! I’m so old and guilty of all that! Thanks to you too!

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 3

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      • BTownGirl Says:

        Girl, I’m sure you’re not old, no matter what your age is!! I agree that it’s so awesome that Moxie highlighted this issue :)

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 4

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  4. mxf Says:

    “When I got home I said I would see him Sunday and he said good night.”

    If I got that text on a Tuesday night, after a weekend of texting, I would assume it to mean that I should stop texting so much until the day of the meet-up. Like, where did that come from?

    But it doesn’t matter, you weren’t into it anyway, so good riddance and all that.

    Question: what’s it look like when someone keeps trying to sext without any success?

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    • Nia Says:

      It looks like “So….what were you wearing [to the event you were telling me about]?”
      Her: just a dress
      Him: ooooh sexy! I love long legs—I’m known to do amazing things with my tongue to a woman’s legs!
      Her: Good to know, ha ha. So…you watching Westword?
      Him: Yeah, it’s pretty good. Do you like [sex act]? I love [sex act]. <3
      Her: Um, i guess? with the right guy? Not to be harsh, but I don't really like being "sexy" over text messages.
      Him: Oh, sorry! You're just so hot and I can't stop thinking about you!

      and so on.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 2

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      • fuzzilla Says:

        Yup. Kinda surprised that’s not a universal “dating online while female” experience (? I think mxf is female). Shutting that down sooner rather than later and not giving your phone # out too quickly helps.

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        • mxf Says:

          lol I am a dater of the female variety. I feel like I went on one trillion first/second dates over the course of several years, and that has literally never happened to me with someone I went out with, until continued dating and/or sex was already established and they could safely assume it would be welcome. Like, no dude ever followed up a sexless first date with some I’m-real-good-with-my-tongue malarkey to get a second date.

          Now I feel all Othered. Where’s my grotty leg licker?

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      • DrivingMeNutes Says:

        “Her: Good to know, ha ha. So…you watching Westword?
        Him: Yeah, it’s pretty good. Do you like [sex act]? I love [sex act]. <3
        Her: Um, i guess? with the right guy? Not to be harsh, but I don't really like being "sexy" over text messages.
        Him: Oh, sorry! You're just so hot and I can't stop thinking about you!"

        Her: are we still on for Sunday?

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 0

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  5. Lucy Says:

    I’m sure I’ve struggled over wondering whether I ought to go on a second date with a guy. And I feel pressure from female friends regarding this so I just keep it all to myself now.

    I think it is worse with online dating because it gets distorted. This is going to sound arrogant but it’s a lesson I learned. I was once unsure about this guy and I thought I was giving it a chance. But really he had me played all along. They will try every trick in the book including being the ‘nice guy’. Therefore you shouldn’t feel too much guilt about it not going further because not even be that into you in the first place.

    I would tell the guy politely and in a classy way but directly enough that I wasn’t leading him on. I think guys like that. If you act too much like you’re trying to soften the blow, it’s kind of insulting to them.

    Back to OP’s situation, it sounds like he’s trying to save face and make sure you know that other women desire him so you can see what you’ve missed out on. It helps recover a bit of pride I guess.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 0

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  6. Jeff Smith Says:

    “I didn’t even like him particularly in the first place.”
    I suspect that’s not completely true, as why would you even consider a second date – not liking is not even close to “no chemistry”.
    So why then are you at all surprised that he bailed?
    He picked up on that and to save face he offered up an excuse.
    Whether it’s true or not is completely irrelevant.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

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  7. Mike M Says:

    I think the reasons are VERY simple and clear; the long analysis was completely unnecessary.

    It all comes down to the part where “We agreed to meet Monday, and we kept texting all weekend but on Monday early afternoon I canceled”

    My male friends and I HATE flakiness, and the clearest way it presents itself is via a last-minute cancellation. KK’s reason is that she was ‘super busy.’ I live in NYC and everyone is ‘super busy,’ but if someone confirms a date, texts ‘all weekend’ and abruptly cancels in the afternoon, with just a few hours notice, this is a huge turn-off and a likely deal-breaker.

    I have some female friends that think flakiness isn’t a big deal (most of my female friends are not like that though,) but I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the flaky women have far more drama in their relationships and dating life than the ones that aren’t flaky.

    It has NOTHING to do with you having a life, there was no ‘pre-emptive strike’ and it seems that he asked for a second date quickly because he was genuinely interested. He definitely was NOT desperate, since he was the one that ultimately decided not to go on the second date.

    It’s funny how people are trying to play detective, and end up with a long and convoluted explanation to a very simple situation.

    He agreed to reschedule the date because he just wanted some time to think about it, and ended up concluding that the flakiness was not something he could deal with. He likely ran it by his friends over the weekend, and they just confirmed what he was thinking. There was no instant girlfriend; it’s just easier to say that he was seeing someone seriously (it’s not you, it’s me) rather than telling you that you’re flaky (it’s you.)

    One very good piece of advice that seemed semi-buried in everything above is for a woman to stop going on second dates just-in-case. Any man who knows he is a good catch would rather be told that there is no connection (it’s fine to do it over text in the next day or two, instead of on-the-spot) instead of having his time wasted. Chemistry is a two-way street and I’ve certainly told this to women when they followed-up with me after a first date. There have definitely been situations where women are great catches and look exactly like their pictures, but we were just missing the spark. Unfortunately, I’ve been the recipient of no-chemistry texts after a second and even a third date and this is something that I know frustrates men to no end.

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    • BTownGirl Says:

      It’s possible for people to feel chemistry on the first date, go out again, and the something turns them off, because attraction can be weird and fickle like that. I’d also say that it’s unfair to extrapolate from this question that KK is a flaky person with all kinds of drama going on. From every comment she’s written here, she sounds like an incredibly thoughtful, level-headed person. It sounds like you take a lot of this stuff WAY too personally, which is obviously very easy to do in today’s hot mess of a dating climate, so try not to!

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 3 Thumb down 9

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      • Mike M Says:

        KK may be thoughtful and drama-free the majority of the time, but her date never got a chance to find out, since she showed him a very different side by flaking out on a date that was confirmed days ago with just a few hours notice.

        He can only make a decision based on what he sees.

        I don’t take any of this personally. Like I said, I’ve let women know if the chemistry isn’t there and have never sent a bitter text or made a ‘pre-emptive strike.’

        This is yet another example of trying to turn a simple answer into a complicated explanation.

        If someone is only showing me their flaky side, I don’t take it personally and I don’t try to divine if that’s their true nature.

        I just accept what I see and move on.

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