So I wrote to you awhile back about going back on online dating, and have been back on okcupid for about a month.
About two weeks ago this guy messaged me on okc and quickly asked for my number. We texted a lot, which is a mistake I will not make again, and arranged for a date last Friday. He texted me right after I left to say he had a good time and asked if I wanted to meet up again and I said yes. We agreed to meet Monday, and we kept texting all weekend but on Monday early afternoon I canceled and asked when would be a good time for another date. He couldn’t do Wednesday though Friday, which in retrospect should have been a red flag, I guess. But we agreed to Sunday. On Tuesday we were texting all day when we were free, and in the evening I didn’t reply at all as I was at a show. When I got home I said I would see him Sunday and he said good night. On Wednesday no communication and I thought it was strange since he had been texting me daily but thought maybe he was busy. On Thursday I didn’t hear from him so in the afternoon I texted him to ask if we were still on for Sunday and he said yes. He clearly didn’t want to talk so I thought that he had lost interest. We had no communication until Sunday when I decided to ask him what was up. He told me that it was really nice meeting me but he was seeing someone seriously. I told him congratulations.
So this is where I am confused. I could get if he just lost interest from one day to the next – it happens – we meet someone we like more. I just don’t understand the timeline. Like, he couldn’t stop texting on Tuesday, and then radio silence on Wednesday. How could he have met someone he liked late Tuesday night so that he would be over it by Wednesday morning? Did that happen? Or was he dating someone else before me and just texting me all day every day for the attention until he found out if the girl he really liked liked him back?
I don’t understand what happened and I don’t even get why I am so annoyed when I didn’t even like him particularly in the first place. I wouldn’t have been bothered if he had told me we weren’t a good match because I’d sensed his lack of interest on Thursday. But that he is seriously dating someone, I just…am flummoxed.
I could use your advice, thank you.
Ah, yes. The “hedging your bets” person.
First, keep in mind that he probably isn’t “seriously” dating anyone. I mean, maybe in his mind he is, but to most people what he’s doing is just considered dating.
This guy immediately texts you after your first date to set up the second date. You arrange a date for two days later, on Monday. Monday comes and you cancel. (Booooooooooooooooo!) He says he can’t do Wednesday through Friday. You agree on Sunday, not Saturday. You continue texting and then you fade out of the conversation Tuesday night and reply later in the evening when you get home. He replies and says goodnight. You do not reply for a day and a half. You contact him Thursday to confirm Sunday and he says things are a go. You don’t reply until Sunday, where you ask him what’s up.
Here’s what happened:
This guy was eager to hit the ground running and get things moving with you. You committed the egregious sin of having a life and not being all up in his face 24/7. He assumed you were either seeing someone else or not interested. He lied when he said he was seriously dating someone to get back at you. Now, he could have been out with someone a few times, but the chances that he was “seriously” dating someone in the span of a week are almost non-existent. He was bothered by the fact that you were showing the same level of interest that he was showing. Could he have been dating someone else at the same time? Of course. But the only reason she (if she exists) won the prize is because she was as responsive (read: available) as he was. The fact that this guy couldn’t wait to ask you out again shows you how anxious (read: desperate) he was to get something started. If you were on the fence about him and he was rushing to get the second date set up, there was a real disconnect there, a disconnect I bet he felt, too. But, hey, who cares? Girlfriendgirlfriendgirlfriend. He plowed ahead regardless. Red flag.
I don’t understand what happened and I don’t even get why I am so annoyed when I didn’t even like him particularly in the first place.
Yes, and he sensed that you weren’t that into him, which is why he was doing the pair and a spare thing or cut you off. This guy did the pre-emptive strike thing that we were discussing last week. He was praying you emailed him to see what was going on so he could stick it to you.
If he is seriously dating someone, he’s someone who just wanted a relationship and wasn’t being all that particular in his selection process. You’re annoyed because you feel like he strung you along while all the while you thought you were the one deigning to give him a second pity date.
Now let’s address the whole “I wasn’t all that into him but I went out with him anyway” part. I know people think that going on a second “just in case” date is noble, but really it’s a huge waste of time for the other person. I never ever want to be on a date with someone who is “meh” about me. It’s one thing to feel that chemistry but not be sure. It’s an entirely different thing to know you’re not feeling it but think chemistry might develop. Please, please, please stop listening to these myths and fairy tales about frogs turning into princes. It rarely if ever happens. You are probably not screwing with fate’s design by not giving someone a second date. Also consider this: men are not fed this nonsense. Dude bros don’t sit around telling their friends, “Hey, man. Go out with her again. You never know.” Only women are encouraged to do this, because God forbid they miss out on a chance to find a man and get married.
Going forward, if you’re not feeling any palpable connection of attraction, turn the person down for a second date. If you do like them, then be responsive. You don’t have to be on top of your phone and returning every message immediately, but if they message you, try to message them at some point during the same day. Dropping in and out of conversations, sending delayed text responses, canceling dates etc. screams “I don’t care.” Don’t treat someone like that, especially if you know they’re more into you than you are into them. You can make your interest known without being too available.
As for the people in the guy’s shoes, learn how to read a room. If you’re the one always initiating contact or if they’re not matching the tone of your messages, then back off a bit. It’s okay if they’re not all over you like an excitable puppy, but it’s not a good sign if their responses or reactions read as distant or indifferent.