What Does He Mean When He Says “No Hook Ups!”

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Name: Nia
:
Question: I’m somewhat throwing this out to the commentariat and especially the single guys who are doing online dating out there: I’ve been using Tinder on and off–for a short while 3 years ago, and then back on and off now for about 6 months. I noticed that in the last 6 months, about 50% of the profiles say something like “no hookups!” or “gosh, you girls really like hookups”. There’s no indication that this is some kind of “Tinder in-joke” (no smiley face, no /s/, no “lol!” or the like) and I always swipe left on those guys. I feel like…and I could be wrong, in my 20+ years of dating and having “fun” shall we say, I have come across maybe 1 out of 25 men that is genuinely not up for a hookup (or let’s say “only a hookup”–plenty of guys turn down sex or a relationship with a specific person. I mean the idea of No Strings Attached sex with someone they are attracted to and have mutual chemistry with). The guys that aren’t up for a hookup are usually either freshly divorced with small kids, or religious and honestly looking for a lifelong commitment. To me, when a guy says *to women that aren’t even offering or asking* “No hookups, so don’t ask!” something’s…off there. Why are guys saying this? Do they not realize how off-putting it is to women? Are women putting “here for a hookup” on their profile text? I can’t check that unless I create a fake profile and frankly that’s just too much for what amounts to moderate curiosity. Is this some kind of weird pickup technique? It’s so…ugh, why??!?
Age: 37

 

Why do guys litter their profile with stupid things like, “No Hook-ups” ? For the same reason women do, I imagine. They’ve gone out with women who have slept with them quickly and have been blown off or have met up with women who just wanted a free meal. Like their female counter-parts, they completely ignored all the warning signs in the women’s profiles and shot way out of their league and didn’t get more than one or two dates out of it. Now they’re cranky.

Then there are the guys who still have antiquated and out date ideas of how women should behave. They want a “nice girl.” In their minds, women who have sex on the first few dates is a slut and probably puts out for every guy and therefore is more experienced than him. Hence, they’re not interested in a “hook-up” aka a girl who has been around.

The other reason you might see this disclaimer is because those men (like women) have heard that certain site or apps are “hook-up sites.” So, in order to beat everyone to the punch, they insert the stupid useless commentary in their profile about not looking for casual sex because they’re inexperienced.

And finally, yes, some people use the “No Hook-ups!” line to make people think they’re more serious than they actually are.

In general, the “No Hook-ups” line is the reddest of red flags. Men are using this in their profile because they see so many women saying it in their bios and profiles. I think what many men consider a “hook-up” is a date where they guy blows a ton of money on a girl and she ghosts. Like I said, the men using this line are mostly online dating noobs. I simply don’t believe men are meeting women who sleep with them and then disappear at the same frequency then women get ghosted after sex. If the sex is good, we’re coming back for seconds. Just like guys. So add “sucks in bed” as another explanaition for why men declare themselves a hook-up free zone.

Speaking of the whole “No Hook-ups!” craze, I did a search for the topic and came up with this article. Here’s a telling blurb from one of the women interviewed.

So, are you against all hook-ups or just quick, fast hook-ups? Like, would you go on a date with somebody and then maybe hook-up afterward?
For sure, but they’d have to introduce it as a date and I’d have to like them. If someone’s just in for sex, that’s not something I’m comfortable with. They can do that on their own time and I’m OK with it, I just don’t really want to [be involved] in that sort of thing.

So, the woman is okay with hooking up after a first date. She just doesn’t want the guy to be obvious about it so she can justify it. Gotcha.

 

Thoughts?

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11 Responses to “What Does He Mean When He Says “No Hook Ups!””

  1. Rick Says:

    Or maybe, just maybe, the guy is looking for a serious relationship?

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    • ATWYSingle Says:

      Sure, but there’s more to it, like he sucks in bed, shoots way out of his league, or is a sexist douche.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 6 Thumb down 8

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    • Nia Says:

      Dozens, maybe hundreds of guys are “looking for a serious relationship” on a known casual-relationship site? Tinder has a 500 word bio (that many don’t fill out beyond a sentence or two), no questions or space to include things like kids/pets/religion and so on. I’m not saying it’s impossible, just highly unlikely. Men that want serious relationships are on Match, eHarmony, and OKC—sites that have a full profile with tons of questions and sections to fill out. They’re doing speed dating, networking, and matchmakers. They’re at church, and telling their friends they’re looking. They’re not all d-baggy “no hookups!!!” on Tinder. That’s a terrible strategy.

      Also, if they’re looking for Ms. Right, why not say that? “I’m looking for something serious.” Why be negative? I’ve seen guys say “Wow, you girls really love hookups, huh?” Or “If you want a hookup, swipe left!” It’s very much “I don’t want this specific thing: a hookup.” Implication is “Stahp throwing yourself at me, lightskirts!!”

      Also, when I didn’t understand this, I would start chatting with guys that said “no hookups” and about 75% of them got inappropriate and gross almost immediately, with zero encouragement from me. That’s not the behavior of a man looking for something serious!

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      • BTownGirl Says:

        “Wow, you girls really love hookups, huh?”
        Translation: I’m desperately trying to convince everyone (including myself) that my dick game is next-level (it’s not) and I’m also kind of clueless as to how obnoxious I actually am.

        Line forms to the left, ladies!

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  2. Anonymous Says:

    Just a question, have those guys who say “no hookups” had their dates throwing themselves at them? Really? Do some women do that? Sorry if I am too innocent.

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    • Nia Says:

      From what I can gather from the men who I asked, there’s hundreds or maybe thousands of fake/bot/professional profiles from women out there. I don’t know what they look like or say but my guess is the picture is someone really hot, like model hot, who’s like “I luv hooking up, KIK me ######### and let’s talk” and then when they do, it’s “more pix at my personal website” or “$9.99 unlimited chat” or whatever. Or they immediately start in with “how much per hour” or whatever.
      I have had men gracelessly ask me if I’m a bot (believe me, I’m 37, on the “cute” side of hot, average weight, and my profile text includes “I’m weird, you should be too” and other clearly not for everyone stuff. This was after I sent an obviously personalized “hi” message. These guys have just gotten to the point where they are very jaded and bitter, I think.
      I also saw one guy *as his only line of text in his bio* say “If online dating has ruined you, swipe left.” Oh, I’ll be swiping left, a$$hole, but not because I’m “ruined.” *Shudders*.

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  3. K Says:

    In my opinion, guys are doing it just b/c they see it in a lot of women’s profiles…so they think it gives them a leg up….I don’t think the majority of them are per se against hook ups.

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  4. Zaire Says:

    When I see “no hookups” I think:

    1. He’s trying to bolster his desirablility by pretending to be in demand (it’s a fail because most women, even if they are looking to hookup, aren’t going to put it out there like that)

    2. He is trying to appear more serious than he really is so women will be less guarded about engaging him

    3. He’s trying to be humorous.

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  5. DrivingMeNutes Says:

    “There’s no indication that this is some kind of “Tinder in-joke” (no smiley face, no /s/, no “lol!” or the like)…”

    I don’t think it’s an inside joke, just more like every dumb guy thinking he made up some clever pick up line. I think it’s irony, ie they are poking fun at women who say this since there are a lot of them. On the other hand there are exactly zero women expressing publicly a desire to “just hookup.” There are a handful who claim not to be interested in anything serious (and of course the straight up hookers) but fear of hookups, I assure you, is simply not an issue that needs addressing for men on tinder.

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  6. mxf Says:

    I dated one guy for a little while who asked me, half-jokingly, if I was “just using him for sex.” He played it off like he was teasing, but I think it bubbled up from a real insecurity. He was a career bartender and had had short-term, transient relationships with other people in the service industry for so long that he really did seem to worry that every encounter was a one night stand. I think he was lonely. But also a bit self-aggrandizing to assume that he was such sexual catnip. I dunno, I could see him writing something like that on a tinder profile and meaning it somewhat sincerely. Not that sincerity makes it less eye-rolly.

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  7. BRM Says:

    It might be a way of saying I’m jealous of the men who can be romantic and induce sexual desire without being an asshole and manipulating. Some men who are romantic can do this with skill and kindness.

    I think many men work in reverse of the way women do; they prefer to start with casual sex and turn it into a relationship. I think it’s better for guys to just admit it and not have to put lines in their profiles in an attempt to manipulate. I think that men are also jealous of women who in almost all cases can have sex with men on-demand until many years after hitting the way – unless they’re really unfortunate looking.

    It’s just like women saying “I don’t care how much he makes,” of course most women want a financially secure man the way men want sex right away in many cases. I think the exception to the financially independent man is if he’s good looking, has a big dick and is a machine in bed.

    It’s better to just be honest about how the cards are staked.

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