Question: I’m somewhat throwing this out to the commentariat and especially the single guys who are doing online dating out there: I’ve been using Tinder on and off–for a short while 3 years ago, and then back on and off now for about 6 months. I noticed that in the last 6 months, about 50% of the profiles say something like “no hookups!” or “gosh, you girls really like hookups”. There’s no indication that this is some kind of “Tinder in-joke” (no smiley face, no /s/, no “lol!” or the like) and I always swipe left on those guys. I feel like…and I could be wrong, in my 20+ years of dating and having “fun” shall we say, I have come across maybe 1 out of 25 men that is genuinely not up for a hookup (or let’s say “only a hookup”–plenty of guys turn down sex or a relationship with a specific person. I mean the idea of No Strings Attached sex with someone they are attracted to and have mutual chemistry with). The guys that aren’t up for a hookup are usually either freshly divorced with small kids, or religious and honestly looking for a lifelong commitment. To me, when a guy says *to women that aren’t even offering or asking* “No hookups, so don’t ask!” something’s…off there. Why are guys saying this? Do they not realize how off-putting it is to women? Are women putting “here for a hookup” on their profile text? I can’t check that unless I create a fake profile and frankly that’s just too much for what amounts to moderate curiosity. Is this some kind of weird pickup technique? It’s so…ugh, why??!?
Why do guys litter their profile with stupid things like, “No Hook-ups” ? For the same reason women do, I imagine. They’ve gone out with women who have slept with them quickly and have been blown off or have met up with women who just wanted a free meal. Like their female counter-parts, they completely ignored all the warning signs in the women’s profiles and shot way out of their league and didn’t get more than one or two dates out of it. Now they’re cranky.
Then there are the guys who still have antiquated and out date ideas of how women should behave. They want a “nice girl.” In their minds, women who have sex on the first few dates is a slut and probably puts out for every guy and therefore is more experienced than him. Hence, they’re not interested in a “hook-up” aka a girl who has been around.
The other reason you might see this disclaimer is because those men (like women) have heard that certain site or apps are “hook-up sites.” So, in order to beat everyone to the punch, they insert the stupid useless commentary in their profile about not looking for casual sex because they’re inexperienced.
And finally, yes, some people use the “No Hook-ups!” line to make people think they’re more serious than they actually are.
In general, the “No Hook-ups” line is the reddest of red flags. Men are using this in their profile because they see so many women saying it in their bios and profiles. I think what many men consider a “hook-up” is a date where they guy blows a ton of money on a girl and she ghosts. Like I said, the men using this line are mostly online dating noobs. I simply don’t believe men are meeting women who sleep with them and then disappear at the same frequency then women get ghosted after sex. If the sex is good, we’re coming back for seconds. Just like guys. So add “sucks in bed” as another explanaition for why men declare themselves a hook-up free zone.
Speaking of the whole “No Hook-ups!” craze, I did a search for the topic and came up with this article. Here’s a telling blurb from one of the women interviewed.
So, are you against all hook-ups or just quick, fast hook-ups? Like, would you go on a date with somebody and then maybe hook-up afterward?
For sure, but they’d have to introduce it as a date and I’d have to like them. If someone’s just in for sex, that’s not something I’m comfortable with. They can do that on their own time and I’m OK with it, I just don’t really want to [be involved] in that sort of thing.
So, the woman is okay with hooking up after a first date. She just doesn’t want the guy to be obvious about it so she can justify it. Gotcha.