Question: Hi Moxie I am one of your long-time readers and commenters Today I have a question, and forgive me if this is off topic, because this question is not about dating, it really is about heartbreak and the foolishness of infatuation.
So almost 2 years ago to this date, I met someone and we had an incredible instant chemistry and connection. We had three dates and as it turned out he was “separated”. I found this out through facebook where he had pictures of his 3 children displayed, then confronted him. (yes he had lied about having kids and/or having been married). Yes that was horrible and yes that did not say great things about him. But I never forgot him.
He did not get divorced and as it turned out he is still not divorced. Now here’s the shocker. I keep tabs of his facebook. He has just…
HAD A BABY. A FREAKING BABY with some woman. I was not aware that he was even dating…I was still … dreaming that we could get together once his divorce was finalized.
Me? well I got my life together now, changed careers and lost a lot of weight and I am on the right track. I know this was all a fantasy on my part but…WOW. It’s like being hit in the head with a baseball bat.
I am so shocked I am not even sad. I am just trying to make sense of this, the wasted time and the romantic fantasy that was just that, a fantasy. I guess I am trying to see if your readers might have some tips on how to forgive yourself for falling for someone and realizing you are a complete idiot and how to trust people and feelings again after that.
So, you’re catching em at a very shitty moment (more family drama) s0 buckle up.
Can we please stop with the “How will I ever learn to trust again??” bullshit? You knew the guy was a liar and you didn’t care. In fact, that only seemed to make you want him more. You have always known this guy was sketchy and you still wasted three years of your life pining away for him. Fuck all this self-care talk about forgiving yourself. Stop with the dramatics. You knowingly crushed on a guy that you knew was dishonest.
The question you need to be asking yourself is, “Why did I get so invested in a guy who showed such a startling lack of character?” Here’s the bottom line: he lied about being married and having children because you were never going to be more than sex to him.
You never forgot him because you wouldn’t let yourself forget him. This is one of the deeper pitfalls of social media: it makes it difficult to make a clean break. Knowing that you can still see pictures of them or keep up with their lives is too tempting. Listen, I’ve been there. I’m not going to shame you for the Facebook thing because I’ve done it. But the reason why I did it had literally NOTHING to do with the guy and EVERYTHING to do with me. Why was it so hard for me to let that situation go? Because he mad me feel wanted. As pathetic and sad as that sounds, his attention made me feel special, and I haven’t had a lot of that in my life. We hold on to certain relationships like this because they’ve picked at a scab. That’s why we keep these people in our thoughts. They represent something within us that has never quite healed. We return to that person or place in time because we haven’t figured out why we were drawn to them in the first place.
You’re clinging to this guy for a reason and I’m telling you it has very little to do with him. Maybe, like me, you don’t get a lot of attention. Maybe he made you feel special for a brief moment in time. Maybe he’s a distraction to what is really going on beneath the surface. I don’t know. And neither will you if you keep thinking about this guy. So fuck feeling sorry for yourself because you knew the guy was apiece of shit from the get. Just like I did. Sack up and do some digging to figure out why have such a hard time letting go of this guy. Losing the weight is great and all, but if the internal doesn’t match the external, then it’s all for naught.