Why I Hate Making The First Move & Asking a Guy Out

guyphpone

Name: Nicole
:
Question: What does it mean when a guy gives you his number, you call him days later, have a great conversation and then days later he doesn’t hit you back up?
Age: 27

It means one of three things.

1. He was never all that interested in the first place and gave you his number because he likes when chicks chase him. Ninety-nine percent of the time, if the exchange isn’t mutual, you’re being jerked around.   If he have you his number then he has given it to other women.

2. He talked to you and didn’t think there was much chemistry or that you two had much in common.

3.He’ll get around to calling you back once he’s talked to and met all the other women he’s given his number.

I don’t care how out of touch or old-fashioned this makes me sound: let the guy make the first move. My reasoning has nothing to do with a power dynamic or gender roles. It has to do with knowing that men – far more often than women – will and do lower their standards depending on their options.

“But he could still just be looking for sex if he calls me first!” True, but in that case, he’s less likely to just be looking for sex.Will you scare off the right guy if you initiate contact? No. But how many of the men that we meet are “the right guy” ? If you do want to make the first move, stick to situations where the odds are in your favor.

There are a lot of men out there who will try to force a woman’s hand to get her to pony up and ask him out. I’ve traded messages with guys for hours waiting for them to suggest we meet for a drink. Those scenarios make me very uncomfortable. I feel like I’m being tested or that the guy just wants to make me work for it.  No bueno. Either ask me out of pass me by. I don’t like setting myself up, and that’s what I feel like I’m doing when I’m the one to take the initiative.

Thoughts?

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19 Responses to “Why I Hate Making The First Move & Asking a Guy Out”

  1. Kim Says:

    Agreed. In my experience, men who are interested in you ask for your number and use it. If they are really interested, they aren’t going to take the chance of giving you their number and then never hearing from you.

    However, I think there are some men who don’t want to put a woman on the spot, so they offer their number, instead. If this happens, then you can warmly offer yours, in return. If they are interested, they will use the information to call you.

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  2. UWSGal Says:

    Completely agree with your take on this.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 8 Thumb down 0

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  3. fuzzilla Says:

    Agreed, although if he’s already made the first step of contacting you and you’re chatting, I don’t think anything of suggesting meeting for a drink (worked with the current BF, anyway).

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 6 Thumb down 4

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  4. Nia Says:

    I would just like to throw out there one other possibility only about the specific letter. Men don’t experience a phone conversation, even a “great” one as a “win”. If you just chatted like you were getting to know one another, and no suggestion of getting together was made, he’s probably thinking “Why am I going to waste my time chatting with my new Phone Buddy when I could be out scoring/making moves towards a girlfriend?”
    Also, if this is the “first contact”, it seems weird to, unless you’re in high school, which you aren’t, start calling and talking *before* you go out. It’s just not done that way.
    You meet, you know you have chemistry. You talk, if it goes well, you set up a date and go from there.
    I haven’t talked on the phone to a guy I met at a bar since like….1999. For reals. We meet, we exchange #’s, we text, we set up a date.
    If we start dating, occasionally I’ll call to chat or because I need an ear, or whatever. But not before.

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  5. BRM Says:

    Welcome to the guys world – everything you gals hate about asking out men, guys don’t always enjoy the male version of it.

    I ask women out within a couple of texts because I know that’s what they want, but frankly with internet dating you really have no idea if there’s attraction till you meet anyway. So whoever asks out who is a trailing indicator of interest. It’s nice to think that because the other person asked you out they’re more interested buts many times not the case.

    My guy version of that is I like to see a strong response from a lady I’m going to take the time to plan a date for, so if a lady agrees and then flakes (or goes into princess mode) I lose interest quickly.

    Buttom Line is there are no guarantees of lasting connections in our age of push a button get a date reality.

    I think it’s not just about men wanting a challenge either but women wanting to be pursued because it makes them feel wanted.

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    • Lucy Says:

      I’ve done the pursuing before so I’m gun shy about doing it again. Whenever I have initiated, I’ve always been more into him and he hasn’t been into the relationship with both feet. Either that or the relationship has a weird dynamic and he expects me to do the heavy lifting. I think there are ways to subtly initiate as a woman such as acting open and receptive to a man and making your interest clear in person.

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      • BRM Says:

        And there you have the heart of the matter we all want someone who wants us more then we want them – it makes it feel like there’s less chance of experiencing rejection.

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  6. AnnieNonymous Says:

    I can’t tell if the guy gave her his number via an app or after meeting each other in person.

    I also don’t understand how or why it ended with the phone conversation. If neither party ended the call with, “So, want to grab a drink soon?” it’s not going to happen and one or both of you need to reconsider your approach to dating. A ~conversation is not an accomplishment. Even if you’re stuck in texting/messaging limbo for a while, it’s a bad sign if you’re not continually talking about plans to go out.

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    • Laura Says:

      If I had to guess, I’d say they ended the conversation with vague half-plans about meeting up “some time soon” and he said he’d contact her, but never did. Everything about this story indicates only fleeting interest on his part.

      And that’s why I’m not too thrilled about having a phone conversation before the date. You feel like you’ve accomplished something, but in reality it doesn’t really mean anything. You still don’t know him. He could well be and probably is talking to other women as well. You’re right where you started, except your expectations get bigger and you’re more disappointed if nothing comes out of it.

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      • KK Says:

        This is suck an interesting perspective. I view pre-date conversation as crucial because if there is no connection on the phone, in my experience, there is no connection in real life. So why bother meeting up? I could have saved myself a lot of grief if I had told certain guys that we should not meet up, based on the phone call.

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  7. Lucy Says:

    I met a guy in a club recently (I know – not the best place!). I approached him and started chatting to him because my friends had all gone outside to smoke. I wasn’t really expecting him to give me his number because I was just being friendly, not flirty. But he did. Hmm anyway I was intrigued so I looked him online. I saw a photo on social media with him and a girl kissing taken recently and a photo of him flexing his biceps so I thought ‘Better not go there. This looks sketchy’. I decided not to text him.

    The next time I bumped into him it was at the club again a week later. We ended up going as a group to this house party afterwards. We spoke a bit when we were in the same room but he didn’t reach out to talk to me and I didn’t hit on him. I’d pegged by that time that my intuition about his lack of interest was correct. But he still insisted I text him next time I’m out. I did text like a few weeks later but in a friendly way saying I’d let him know when we were all out again. I’m so glad I kept my dignity intact there and didn’t get ahead of myself!

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  8. Brad Says:

    Men who date generally maintain a queue of potential women to ask out. If you had a conversation with this man, you’ve undoubtedly been “queued”.

    But where are you in the queue?? Are you first? Are you last? How long is this queue? Only one person knows. But amount of communication you receive from this man will be proportionally higher as you near the front of the queue.

    When men need a date, they start processing through queue. Is #1 available? No, she’s sick. What about #2? She’s out of town at a convention. What about #3? You get the idea.

    Some men maintain multiple queues. There’s the “Booty-Call Queue”, the “FWB Queue”, the “Potential Relationship Queue”. So you could potentially be at the front of one queue but not be right for a particular night.

    If you’re not near the front of the queue, the only chance you have to jump to the front of the line is to ask him out. I think that is by far the best course of action, maybe he just needs a nudge.

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    • UWSGal Says:

      Who on earth is down-voting this post?? This is exactly how guys operate..

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      • K Says:

        I agree with Brad’s assessment except the last paragraph. I don’t know know any of my guy friend’s who had a girl at the bottom of the queue and moved her up because she asked him out. I don’t think it works that way…unless I guess you are thinking of booty call queue as I’m sure it’s easy to work up that one, but that’s probably not something most women worry about.

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        • UWSGal Says:

          I agree, who cares about a booty call queue. Girls who like NSA sex have their own BC queues. OTOH, it is near impossible to move up in any other queue. And why would you? If he’s not crazy enough about you, he’ll “downgrade” you the moment somebody “better” comes along.

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        • Brad Says:

          Thanks you ladies for appreciating my honesty.

          K, you pose an interesting question that I’ve never considered. Which queues can a woman more-easily jump positions if she is assertive and pursues the man?

          To be honest, I think this probably varies widely among men based on their current life situation. There was a period after my divorce when any woman in my queues could go out with me if she asked me on the right night.

          (I never queued or contacted women on dating sites that I wasn’t willing to go on a date with almost immediately. I only ask out women that seem enthusiastic about going out with me, otherwise I’m content alone at home).

          And it wasn’t about sex, after divorce I was genuinely interested in meeting new women for social and romantic purposes. If there were no fireworks, then so be it, hopefully I made a new friend. I was enjoying meeting new women of all shapes and sizes regardless of the outcome.

          Now, I’m over a year post-divorce and my queues are tightening-up. I’m forming real, semi-relationships that might now be worth sacrificing event a 1st tier FWB hookup for. So now it might be difficult to earn a date with me now, unless you’re a freak-ass Goddess that leaves me no choice. After all, I’m still single.

          My lesson is that, under most circumstances, a man on a dating site is just looking to maximize his options. Are you seeking a long-term relationship? If so, then ignore him as he’s likely just playing the field. Are you seeking a good time and willing to let things progress natrually? Then call him and move to the next level.

          For women pursuing men, it’s a win-win in almost every scenario. If the man was never interested, you haven’t lost anything. If he is into you in any way interested, you’ve probably landed a solid date.

          Having a woman pursue you is worth its weight in gold. For a man, it means you get to skip many of the mundate, pre-date courting steps required to figure out if this girl even likes you or not. That in itself is worth it to promote a woman a few positions or two, if not the front.

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      • HerGuyFriday Says:

        You must be new here. Any acknowledgement that men have choices in dating and that maybe women should consider their appeal relative to other women is severely disapproved of.

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  9. Mark Says:

    Nicole

    Have to agree with most of the commentary above me.

    Generally, it’s the guy who does the asking. One way or another. So it’s also generally understood that they will do the initiating. Not you.

    I’ll also guess that you knew that already.

    So if he were really interested he would have contacted you to set something up. Not the reverse.

    Options/priorities.

    Are you willing to hang out/see/date someone who appears to consider you an option while you seem to want to place him as a priority? I ask that because given your demographic most women aren’t going to call the guy. Quite the reverse. that suggests to me that he is one of those 10% guys. That is: women ignore 90% of the guys and focus on the 10%. If so, then don’t be surprised if a lot of other women are thinking the same thing.

    So if you accept that you may be an option, then go ahead. Full speed.

    If you feel otherwise, then look elsewhere.

    Best of luck on your choice.

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  10. Steve from the city next door Says:

    What stood out to me was that she called him “days later” which I would think would send the message to the guy that she wasn’t all that interested. I think if a lady gave a guy her number and he waited days to contact her she is probably going to not be all that interested either.

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