Why Do Many People Only Date Younger Men & Women?

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Name: Jay T

:
Question: When I look at women on-line that are in their 30’s they are for the most part willing to date their age and up to 10 years older.   Now compare that to women in their 40’s and early 50’s that want to date someone (typically) 10 years younger and (usually) only a couple of years older.  It seems that women are asking more (same age or younger) from their possible suitor’s as they get older and look less hot,  especially if its true that age trumps hotness.
Age: 50

What I love about this question is that you seem surprised that women do this despite the fact that men do it ALL. THE. TIME. What you’ve described is the status quo for most men. Like, how dare these dried up delusional idiots refuse to date older me, amirite?

Yes, most people as they get older become resistant to the concept of aging. You seem to think that it’s normal for men to do it but weirdly atypical off the charts insane for women to do it.

It seems that women are asking more (same age or younger) from their possible suitor’s as they get older and look less hot,  especially if its true that age trumps hotness.

Because, like, men stay super hot and totally functional as they age and still demand women stay looking like fitness models? This just in: are you for real?  We all age. And if we (meaning women) become “less hot” then it stands to reason that in the minds of many women, so do men. We’re just playing the game you boys invented.

I’ve said this before: people (men AND women) who refuse to date anybody close to their own age or a few years older are projecting. They’re insecure about getting older and want to stay “young” by dating people younger than them. I see it all the time. Men and women several years out of an age range register for an event, never get matches or don’t meet anyone, and blame everything and everybody but their own bias as to why. When I see a guy’s profile where he states that he dates women 10-15 years younger but only a couple years older, I give it a hard pass. It’s as if the mere idea of being contacted by a woman their own age is offensive to them.

Look, aging is a bitch. I’m pretty sure I had my first hot flash a few weeks ago. I’m less than two weeks away from turning forty-eight, which is just two years shy of fifty. I started doing lunges and squats with hand weights and my knees and legs are killing me. I may have even developed a wrinkle or two. Dealing with the physical changes is difficult enough, mainly because it reminds us that – hey – this ride is coming to a close. On top of confronting my own mortality, I don’t need to be constantly reminded that a lot of men view women my age as useless and undesirable every time I look at a dating profile.

And that’s the crux of it, I think. We cling to the alleged vibrancy of youth because we’re afraid of death. Maybe not afraid of the actual act of dying but rather the idea that we might not live to see our nieces and nephews marry or graduate college.  We might not be around when that first woman is elected president. That’s what gutted me most this past November. This was my chance to see a woman in the White House and I might not get that again. I mean, look how long it took to happen in the first place. I stood in that line and struck up a conversation with a woman in her seventies, who was over the moon that finally – finally! – this dream was going to be achieved. Imagine how she feels now.

I’m getting off topic. To get back on: dude, suck my dick. You want to see a change? Be the change. You feel slighted by this kind of dismissal? Welcome to our nightmare. Jump in. The water is warm.

 

Thoughts?

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84 Responses to “Why Do Many People Only Date Younger Men & Women?”

  1. Bostonette Says:

    This response is why I keep coming back here

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  2. Anonymous Says:

    Seriously? This dude should define “MANY women.” Granted, I am on match and I haven’t looked at other women’s profiles, so he might be right. But as for myself, I am 41 and I have come to terms with the idea that guys 45 and younger won’t give me the time of the day. At least on match. Sure, there are young creeps that contact me and I just shake my head. The age range I include in my profile is 41-56. What woman would reject a good candidate who is her age? But I certainly don’t have any hopes for that, so when I click on men’s profiles, I click on guys who are 45 and older.

    I can justify guys who are 45 and younger and might still want to have children. I can understand their desire for a younger woman in that case. But the others who have no interest in having children or any more children?! What’s their motivation? Yes, we know. And it’s sad, extremely sad. And even when I meet someone’s requirement because I am “only” 41, it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. The idea that someone their age is not good enough is so upsetting. They surely didn’t complain about her age when they were 16-25… And then you have to add all of those guys who lie about their age and whose target range is still a lot younger: 20-25 younger than they actually are. Expletive.

    But me, as a woman, I have to deal with reality, I like it or not. And I know I don’t have the power to change it, so play the game according to these crazy “rules.” I wish I could change them. But, just like Moxie says, this dude could.

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    • Steve Says:

      I just did a quick sample of 10 women from 40-47 (a good range for the guy who wrote in), and 6 were looking for older on average, 2 about equal, and 2 younger on average. I think this is representative of the general population; while some or many may search for younger men, most do not.

      I always think it is funny when women complain about men who are too young contacting them, I sure wish I had this problem.

      I myself am no exception to the rule, being late 40s now and targeting women in the full range of 30s and 40s, and get enough attention with the sweet spot around late 30s to mid 40s. I am in much better shape than most women my age, and I just don’t seem compatible with them, most with many more years of relationship experience than me and some with grown children. I also don’t think it is in our genes to desire a woman near menopausal age. Recently I was in contact with someone near my age, and with only a first name and brief background, was able to find her age in only about 2 minutes from googling which was 7 years older than stated. Another reason to search younger; anyone near 50 you can add an average of a few yrs to get their real ages.

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      • Steve Says:

        Just wondering why all the thumbs down. I was not meaning to be rude, just telling you the reasons why I think the way I do, and that sharing our thoughts enable us to understand the opposite gender better. I am just being completely honest in saying that as someone nearing 50, women nearing 50 and older aren’t even on my radar. I find about 5 to 10 years younger is the best fit for me, which isn’t that much younger. If I wasn’t getting any attention with that range then I would bump it up a bit. I totally understand that women would not want to date some older guy with a pot belly and they shouldn’t give in to that, whether they have money or not. And a huge number of 40’s and 50’s and beyond men that I that i see look like they are pregnant, so I can sympathize with women who think that their options have been limited with age.

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  3. BRM Says:

    Agreed …

    Man do have an outsized view of what their true value is and now women are jumping on board too. Lots of these folks will find themselves eating a meal if they’re lucky alone in their old age.

    At 52 I can tell you getting old is a great suffering as Buddha said. My mid-section is rounding out despite lots of exercise and eating well.

    I’m looking at women my age or up to ten years younger, (plus up to 5 years older) and I’ve been with older women – two who were 14 years older. I think eventually it’s about companionship and having a pal to get through life’s sufferings together.

    I care for an elderly father who is suffering greatly and dementia is setting in and an elderly mother – I can tell you from a front line position that if you live long enough you won’t be thinking about sex at all but simply suffering through the basics of living and then letting go of this life as you transition to another.

    I think we all need to be kinder to each other.

    Mox, congrats on making it as far as you have.

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  4. Robert Says:

    Hi,

    I am one of those men who has attended singles/speed dating events for a younger age range, try to date women younger, and do the same on my on line dating profile. I am the epitome of what this article describes and will explain myself. I don’t have any children and I’m 49 years old. Though it is unlikely that I will have children at this point, I still have a faint hope. If I date a woman over 40 I am basically giving up on ever having a family. To me this is very depressing. I do date women my age or just a couple of years younger and enjoy their company and get along fine with them. However, after a couple of months in these relationships my inner self is telling me to continue trying to meet a younger woman so that I can have a family. This is the reason. It does not make me a bad person or mean that I have contempt for older women. I hope this helps.

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    • Anonymous Says:

      Do you realize that women over 40 who also have a faint hope in having children would be looking for someone your age? I am aware of pregnancy risks in older women, but there are also risks for older men, as a matter of fact, your age.
      As a matter of fact, I do have a faint hope of being a mom myself, but my priority right now is to find the love of my life. If he happens to be open to have children, great, but if not, it is okay. You have the option to keep dreaming with something highly unrealistic or being more realistic. But that´s your choice. And I am telling you, those younger women you are trying to attract would not be very happy when they find out they´ve been duped, or they may think you look awfully old for whatever age you say you are.

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    • Nia Says:

      At 50 years old, you will be past retirement age when your child graduates high school, and that’s IF you meet Ms. Right and have a baby within a year. Men have a much shorter life span than women, and their health issues tend to begin earlier. Is it fair to ask a woman to take care of a child *and* you–many men have their first heart attack or stroke in their mid-50’s—only a few years away!

      Why did you wait so long to think about having a family? Has it occurred to you that while you were declining to have a family with the likely hundreds of available women who were very interested in having one in her early-mid thirties, they moved on to a man who said “yes” to a family and now they’re all set? I have read so many posts from men acting all panicked and angry that “women in their 30’s” aren’t datable because they have “baby rabies” and what to do what to do. Meaning there WERE thousands of women *dying* to have babies 10, 15, 20 years ago but for whatever reason, you didn’t go there.

      I would love to believe that you spent your 30’s and 40’s making money and buying a house, working on yourself and connecting with the community so that by age 49, you were ready to be an amazing dad. I really do. But instead I have a suspicion that you did what many men (and to be fair, some women) did: they spent their 30’s foofing around and “having fun”, and then woke up to the idea that, crap, being single and having no kids isn’t fun anymore. Well, guess it’s time to hook a 32 year old!

      Why was it okay for YOU to wait and not for a woman to wait until she was, say, 38?

      If you want a *family*, why not date a divorced woman with a younger kid? Or is it that you only want your own biological child? At age 49, you may have to accept that your options have narrowed.

      I genuinely hope you find what you want in life, but as many men are finding out, to their horror, there’s a biological clock for them too. It may be later, but unless you’re a celebrity, having baby #1 with a much younger woman is out of their reach after a certain age.

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      • Robert Says:

        I tried very hard to find Ms. Right in my younger days. Yes, when I was in my 20’s through early 30’s I did try to fool around a bit and have some fun. By age 35-36 I began focusing on finding the right woman and I did a fair amount of dating. I just did not find someone I could see spending the rest of my life with. So, your analysis is accurate to a limited extant. I don’t think you have a biased view of how some men are. The single men I know are not Casanova players who are juggling multiple women. It is not much fun dating an overweight single mother who “puts her children first.”

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        • ATWYSingle Says:

          So in 15 years you haven’t been able to find anybody that you consider good enough to settle down with and have a family?

          Your problems go far deeper than just not meeting the right girl.

          It is not much fun dating an overweight single mother who “puts her children first.”

          Likewise. It’s not much fun dating emotionally stunted man-children with inordinate expectations and a myriad of emotional issues. You’re using your desire for children as an excuse to rationalize why you can’t maintain a relationship. Go to therapy and stop inflicting your damage on women.

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        • bbdawg Says:

          I had missed out on this sentence

          “It is not much fun dating an overweight single mother who “puts her children first.”

          Now THAT is a keeper. I once went on a date with a man who was 48, never married, looking for a 29-y.o. and kept telling me that once women turned 40 he would “lose interest”. When you insult women you insult ALL women the only ones who will stay with you are the paid ones. So pay up to some Eastern European Ms. Trump type who expects a Chanel expense account or get real. You can’t afford it.

          i GUARANTEE that if you state that you want children and have made the preparations for it (paid off mortgage, trust funds, college fund) and you can afford to have the wife stay at home you WILL find someone. The problem is that you have not been thorough about this and you do NOT want children in the end. The “older man who wants a family” is such a common trope in online dating and I have NEVER come across one who was actually taking care of the practical side of things. TOP PROVIDERS get the HOT DISPOSABLE WIVES. This is why Melania Trump and Donald get along. If you are looking for a “traditional” relationship you have to meet the provider requirement.

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          • Anonymous Says:

            I guess Melania should be checking over her shoulder. She just said her son is her number 1 priority. And she´s 46 so she is not fun anymore…

            So Robert, you want to procreate and transmit your genes but your child will never be first for you? Ha, “father of the year”. Sure.

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        • Eliza Says:

          Robert…that last comment actually makes you sound quite insensitive and cold hearted, without a clue about what is involved in being a full-time parent. A mother’s child will always, and SHOULD always come first. When women date men that have young children, and they have demands, it is assumed we understand he is juggling his time due to that commitment…and most of the time, a father does not have full custody either.

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        • Nia Says:

          Having a family isn’t fun. It just isn’t. It’s hard, hard, draining, TOTALLY one sided work for about….3 years or more. If you think that every single woman who is single because of a divorce or a widow is naturally “overweight”….wow. Also, how on earth would you respect a woman with children who didn’t put them first? What are your expectations of this woman you’ll have kids with?
          That she’ll magically have a baby without gaining an ounce and then turn back to you, five seconds later, to coo over you while a nanny raises the child you claim you so desperately wanted?
          Nowhere in my response did I say that you should be dating women you don’t find attractive or that you should somehow limit yourself to “overweight single moms”. I just…it’s very, very disappointing to me how you’re coming off here. I still hope that you find a way to get your head on straight in the next few years and figure it out. A family is an incredible source of joy and wonder, it’s not a “milestone” or an “accessory” to show the world how accomplished you are.

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    • Speed Says:

      @Robert,

      Obviously, you’re getting an earful here for your candidness, which you probably expected. If you really want to start a family now, you can do it. The other commenters have posted—at length—all the risks, which you probably already knew.

      As fellow childless old bachelor, though, I can say there are many gratifying parenting alternatives to starting your own family. The easiest way is being a financial donor to youth causes (pitch warning: mine is Black Girls Code, which is IT education for African American girls). UNCF, Red Cross, others, you name it. Another, obviously, is being actively involved in the lives of your nieces and nephews. You can help troubled youth in programs like Big Brothers. Churches, mosques, temples often have similar programs. Remember that many kids in America and around the world lack the resources, info and adult role models they need to develop. There’s your chance to pitch in with “time, talent, or treasure,” as a priest once told me. Or maybe your friends’ kids need a ride to a concert or something. Believe me, your buddies will be very grateful for your help and the kids will be grateful for the ride and free foods/soda that usually comes with it.

      It’s not exactly like passing on your own genes, but on the other hand you get a lot of the satisfaction of “parenting” without the 24/7 responsibility. In some sense, you get the best of both worlds: the freedom of a bachelor but the good feeling of helping youth—and even learning a thing or two from them.

      I do believe the cliché that “Life Begins at 50,” and, if we remain in reasonably good health, there is a ton of stuff we can do—including having an active love life. However, one thing that we cannot do is relive our 30s. Be cool, bro, and good luck.

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      • mxf Says:

        This was sweet.

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      • Nia Says:

        This was sweet. After firing off my first spicy reply, I thought about it and wanted to add (in a bit more of a softer tone)
        The good news is that you *can* parent.
        Single moms with kids need a step-dad.
        Foster kids need help, and are often adoptable.
        Abandoned children need a parent. The adoption lists for older kids are so long, it’s heartbreaking.
        Perhaps there is a female friend who also wants a kid and will co parent with you, minus the romance.
        Nephews and nieces need an uncle.
        Children in high-need school districts need paraprofessionals and teachers.
        Children need child psychologists and other therapies.
        Children need a court appointed child advocate.
        Libraries need volunteers.
        Day cares need employees.
        It might not align with your dream, but women who want to be single moms or two-mom families need donors. If you just want to know that somewhere out there, a biological child exists, it’s an option!
        And of course, not to be too flip, but there’s thousands of “fur babies” out there who desperately need a good home.

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        • Anonymous Says:

          That is what I did. I got a furbaby eight years ago. I don´t feel confident to raise a kid on my own, so I have a furbaby.

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    • Bree Says:

      Men over 35 are not immune to the biological clock, as previously thought. Sperm of men over 35 (what’s left of it) have higher risk of producing autism and low IQ children, among other things.

      But men still continue using out-dated “biology” arguments to justify feeling entitled to younger women. The truth is, men’s fertility and risks of birth defected offspring are also affected by age.

      It’s already well known that women over 35 are at higher risk for down syndrome babies among other things.

      Even so, lots of people over 35 and even into their 40s are still having kids. Medical intervention helps a lot (fertility treatments, etc.) and a culture obsessed with babies and family makes it perfectly acceptable.

      You shouldn’t have any trouble finding a woman your own age who also feels entitled to breed at this late stage of fertility.

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      • BTownGirl Says:

        So people who want to try for a baby later in life are “entitled”? It’s really important to some people and I don’t see how you could possibly have a problem with it. Babies born with Down Syndrome are cherished and loved by their parents, even if you see them as somehow undesirable.

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        • Parenting Says:

          What btown said. What is so “entitled” about wanting to parent later in life?

          As for the risks, give me a break! The odds of a 40 year old woman having a downs baby is 1%. The odds of a 50 year old man having an autistic child is 66% higher than the odds for a 20 year old. Again that sounds like roughly 1%. So Robert shouldnt even try because it looks bad? Give me a break.

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          • BTownGirl Says:

            Seriously, many, many women over 35 have healthy pregnancies and to say, “it’s wrong to try, because you might get a special needs baby” is just…gross.

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            • ATWYSingle Says:

              I think Bree is referring to people in their forties still holding out for someone to have kids with. I happen to agree with her. That is entitled.

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              • BTownGirl Says:

                If they’re rejecting everyone in their age group, that’s entitled as hell for sure, but that’s a totally separate issue (for me at least, maybe we’re reading this differently) from the risk of birth defects.

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    • UWSGal Says:

      Aren’t you a prize. Let me get this straight: you are one of those guys who spent his life playing the field, never settling down because no woman was ever good enough for you, when you were in your 30ies and early 40ies. Now, as you’re pushing 50, you suddenly want to be a daddy? Which is to say, to have a younger woman who 15 years from now, as she still will be in her prime (may be not a fertility prime but earnings and physical for sure) – will be taking care of a senior citizien and a teenager? Where do I sign up??

      Keep going to those events. May be you add value by telling other, age appropriate men there, your sad story so that they finally get their act together and not end up like you. Geez.

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      • sandra Says:

        To be fair, 65 is hardly an age where someone needs care taking these days. Usually that does not happen until past 80, unless there is a grave illness. However, I agree no reasonably attractive or mentally stable young woman would find this piece of work appealing. It’s the entitlement that is so infuriating.
        So a pudgy single mom is no fun but an aging cry baby is? Right.

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        • UWSGal Says:

          Yup. These guys are looking for a babysitter for their kid and for a nurse for themselves who they can also screw (assuming their heart is healthy enough for viagra) and all of that for free! Woot Woot. What a great deal. For them. For a woman i think not.

          Obviously, a 49 yo has a few good years left, but he needs to think ahead, FINALLY grow up (it is this immature entitlement that put them in this place to begin with), and pair up with a decent, age appropriate woman. May be even the one with kids, if he wants to achieve some balance and peace and enjoy his life.

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          • Parenting Says:

            I can appreciate that anyone who is searching for Ms.Right for some 15-30 years but can never find anyone worthwhile has some serious issues that have nothing to do with dating or not meeting the right woman.

            That said, what is wrong with hanging onto the dream and wanting to have your own family even as the dream loses its likelihood for attainability? Why is this entitled? He didnt say he was owed a 25 year old.

            Roberts comment about single moms is why Robert is single. With that attitude, he’d better be very rich AND drop dead gorgeous.

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  5. bbdawg Says:

    Great response Moxie. I’ll also add that from what the question infers, the OP might be having a hard time finding younger women (10+) who want to date him and now has decided to look at women within a reasonable age range (the “less hot” ones) only to find that they are not interested in him either. Or that, gasp! they might have their own standards!

    Women understand the age thing very clearly, but men also have a curve that comes later. It’s the older 50+ men who either have never been married or are looking for lightweight commitment and offer no companionship.

    Men have the commitment card which is their source of power as they get older. If a man that age is somehow making it known that he is “not looking for anything serious” then there is no way women are getting anywhere near him. If no strings attached is all they have to offer, women will pass: they can easily get disposable younger dick.

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    • Bree Says:

      Exactly. If I’m going to be used for sex, it will be with a cute younger guy, not somebody my own age (early 40s) with wrinkles and middle-aged spread, let alone somebody a lot older. Psh! However, for a more serious relationship I’m only interested in someone my own age and will look past appearance for character and shared values. But like other women have noted here, I’m apparently too old to be taken seriously by men my own age.

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      • Eliza Says:

        Thanks Bree. And this is the truth! I am in my 40’s…and at times, meet younger men, and since I do not have children…they can’t gauge my age based on the obvious absurd questions – (which is obvious why they are so inquisitive)…they want to know how old. Once I am open about it–not about to play some immature guessing game. I’m 48–take it or leave…they decide to leave it. Yet, always hear that cliché…”age is just a number”. No it isn’t. Ageism is alive and well! But I agree..if I am going to have a ONS…may as well be with someone younger, without the spare tires and drooping arse!! lol…yes…we women are just as visual and discerning as you men are. We have eyes too. Otherwise, for a seriously, mature long term commitment–it would be absurd of me to expect to have that with some 30 year old. AND if men truly want a “family”–they can explore adoption options with ANY woman of any age.

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    • bbdawg Says:

      I remember getting some message from a man who was 13 years older on OkCupid and he was…a social worker. He had that “I want a family” argument. I told him 1. I didn’t buy it and 2. He didn’t have extra income expected of someone 13+ years older to bring a child into the world so his value as an “older man” was non-existent. 3. I would have to become a nurse when he got older so he didn’t have enough $ to cover for my extra burdens later on.

      The other advice I gave him was, did he have a savings account in place for the child? What was his health plan like? Can he afford to have the younger woman not work after she has kids? I mean women think of these things. These are the types of things men must have in order to attract younger women who want families. FINANCIAL SECURITY IS THE ONLY REASON WOMEN **MARRY** OLDER MEN. IF YOU CAN’T PROVIDE THAT MOVE ALONG.

      If you don’t have your ducks in a row that means only one thing: your dick is doing the talk. You don’t really mean what you say.

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      • BRM Says:

        These kinds of marriages probably fail often because they’re built on materialistic transactions.

        But this is no different then a young hot lady offering herself to the highest bidder instead of going for the good guy who she only realizes might have been best as she gets older and loses access to the top tear guys.

        I think in the modern dating scene things are a mess and as moxie has said but it bears repeating : everybody sucks (I would add *sometimes*).

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      • Eliza Says:

        bbdawg…Yep! It’s take more than sperm to be a father. You can biologically create a child, but to be a father is a life-long commitment, that requires resources. Case in point, my cousin at the time about 47 yrs old married a 29 yr old woman…he asked me what I thought. I asked him, are you ready for the whole 9 yards…the home, demands, and financial obligations, and have that energy? Because that’s what this woman is looking for…a solid home, and financial backing…as she wasn’t able to provide that all on her own. And he was…he’s about to turn 49–and they are just planning a family.
        I wish them luck…not as easy to do at 49/50 yrs old as it may be in your mid to late 30’s–energy-wise. And I agree–for those men that use that “I want a family” to justify their craving for a woman 1/2 their age? – GET YOUR DUCKS IN A ROW!!! lol…otherwise, your are just a bag with hot air.

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      • Zaire Says:

        Nothing but facts. I was seeing a guy (33) who had and older male friend (50) who wanted to marry and have children with a younger woman. By younger he was thinking 30-35. I asked what this man’s situation was. He’s divorced, lives in a small apartment, in decent shape but broke (according to my friend). This boyfriend was a straight shooter type so I was comfortable telling him this guy should forget it. The chances of him attracting a young childless woman to have his baby at 50 was pretty slim. I’m a younger (26) woman and even under better circumstances I wouldn’t date a guy that old. I can’t even say money would make up for it because past a certain amount it doesn’t make a difference.

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        • BTownGirl Says:

          At 26, I would have thought of 50 as ancient and this is coming from someone who has always been really attracted to older men. You must have been horrified haha!

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          • Zaire Says:

            No doubt. I’ve had upper 40s and older write me on OKC. They’re filtered out so I don’t even read the messages. I had a 58 year old look at my profile everyday for 2 months. I’m not exaggerating.

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            • BTownGirl Says:

              58?!?!?! *screams internally* He gets The Sumner Redstone Award For Doing The Most!! I can’t!

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              • James Says:

                You guys seriously crack me up. Im a long time lurker infrequent poster but reading this, Id thought Id chime in. Lets just put kids on the back burner for now and get down to the roots. I believe the authors response is very well said and enjoyed reading but, at the end of the day trying to quantify people into an age and income bracket is only going to lead to brain damage. How about trying to concentrate on whether or not there is chemistry and passion over resources and age in life? Ive dated both older and younger women in life and they both have a lot to offer. I read these articles and everything is about money, social economic status etc. I dont know where you people live but search your soul for a deeper meaning in life. It isn’t all about how much money you make, who you know, or how educated you are. Find the common interests, the things that make you happy, the things that make you feel alive and pursue that person that wants to share that with you. Open your eyes and run with it. We only live once, we all die, and the only question is how. Be the person you are looking for. In the end we all value experiences over possessions . The biggest problem I see in society today is lacking passion and energy. Be that change. Its that simple. Ive had everything and felt like Ive had nothing and feel like the most lonely person in the world. Theres no worse feeling, Im here to tell you. So I ask all of us that are all just made of “stardust with souls made of flames, to remember that we are just stars with peoples names.” Treat each other well.

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  6. Lawrence Says:

    Simple.

    Men are attracted to looks. Women are also attracted to looks, but also wealth, fame, power, etc. Men want the possibility of having kids.

    There’s a reason why you see much older, successful men with younger women. And not the other way around. Don’t think we’ll ever see men lining up outside of Oprah’s house hoping to get a date.

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    • Bree Says:

      Dude, the more women advance in independence, the less likely they are to sell themselves out to some older man in exchange for security. Yeah, these older-man-younger-women relationships are still somewhat prevalent, but not for long. This is why there’s a mail order bride market promoting women from poor countries. Their audience is men who are having a hard time dealing with their eroding control over women’s lives.

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      • Lawrence Says:

        That’s only one end of the spectrum. Not all women who are with older men for money. Hollywood couples are a perfect example. Many of these female celebs do not need money. It’s just the way it is and I don’t see it changing anytime soon.

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        • BTownGirl Says:

          The Olsen twins are actually examples of this – I mean, they are early-30’s billionaires and one is married to a much older super-rich guy and the other is dating a much older super-rich guy. My guess is that they want someone who’s on equal financial footing and I get that. A lot of men in my age bracket and area are successful, but some are saddled with student loan debt and the ludicrous cost of living in our area. For me, I’ll never care enough about age that I’d be willing to pay a much larger share of the major expenses.

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    • bbdawg Says:

      Lawrence, you are not getting the other end of the equation. SUCCESSFUL men get younger women. That means men with very high net worths. That means several million in the bank, at least. If you’re not getting younger women pregnant, that means you’re not worth much to the eyes of women who WANT to date older men and have babies with them.

      Look at all the pro athletes getting women pregnant. Lines of women wanting to become pregnant with their babies. THESE are the types of women who want to “date older”: the ones who marry/date Mick Jagger, Alec Baldwin, etc…because that guarantees a lifetime of steady income and private schools for your children.

      Mick Jagger’s 29 YO GF who just had a baby will get 150k a year for her entire life plus all educational expenses paid for the child plus some sort of trust fund. Now THAT makes sense:).

      Can you offer that? If not, then get back to the average joe line. Or GET RICH. It’s pretty simple. If you are average you are not going to get random younger women interested in you.

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    • BTownGirl Says:

      They’re not outside Oprah’s house because only a damn fool would disrespect Stedman like that.

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    • Eliza Says:

      NO! Some men are divorced, 50’s – have kids (grown teens and beyond)–and they just want their ego boosted to highest degree–with “arm candy”. Cool…want that…well it comes with a price. Enjoy.
      But don’t coming cying like some little girl, posting on a blog about how this or that biotch took you for some joy ride. Bravo if you supposedly scored with someone 10-20 years younger. Have your wallet open…because it will be used. You want superficial..you get superficial. Don’t expect sincerity. We are all visual. But the fact is (as Moxie stated)–we ALL age…sure-you see your face everyday in the mirror and don’t realize … but look back on some of your photos–dated back 10 yrs…make no mistake–we all age! Some worse than others.

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  7. BTownGirl Says:

    This letter cracked me up, because as a 35 year-old woman, I didn’t bother with men in my own age range when I was single…because I didn’t want to compete with the 26 year-olds. My boyfriend is 15 years older than I am and is divorced with children (ex-wife is the same age as he is) and it wouldn’t shock me if part of the appeal of me being younger is that his kids could potentially have a parental figure around for longer. I mean, why is it so inconceivable that women could do want the same thing or any other benefit of dating younger?! As for the LW, the problem here is the entitlement and the shitty attitude.

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    • KK Says:

      I mean, what you’re saying…it kind of proves this guy’s point, in a way. You didn’t say you weren’t interested in men your own age because they’re not mature enough or whatever else. You said that you didn’t want to compete with women 100 years younger. Your boyfriend is older than you and isn’t dating someone his own age. Most men date younger women, perhaps for the reason you state – to have a parent for a longer time. But it does mean that men over 30 tend to date younger women and women over 30 who want to date men their own age really can’t because the men their own age are dating younger women.

      Add to the fact that, well, I don’t know how old your boyfriend was when he was married, bt I’ve noticed a lot of guys date women the same age for years – regardless of how old the men themselves are. For example, I know 3 men who married their college gf’s or at the latest women they’d met when all were in their mid-twenties. All are now in their mid-forties. Aaand are now divorced and the men are dating 25-year-olds – so, the same age as when they were last dating. Another one of my friends is 35 and every gf he has had since I’ve known him when he was 26 or so – all have been 24-to 26 when they started dating.

      It really sucks when people in your own age range does not want to date you. On the other hand, I think the reason why women in their 40’s are not interested in men their own age is because the vast majority of men are interested in women at least 10 years younger. I think past the age of 25, actually, if you are a woman interested in men your own age, it is quite difficult and past the age of 30 it gets much more intense.

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      • bbdawg Says:

        Women may date older men but when it comes to actual marriage most would choose a more normal age range – unless the older man can provide for a family and the woman does not have to work after kids.

        When I was in my 20s I also dated a much older man because I had “daddy” issues. I also did NOT want to get married so I dated people who I knew I would never really marry. And that’s the catch. The guy I dated did not make enough to be a sole provider and he was also bitter after the divorce where his ex left him. He had a controlling personality and was insecure. I knew if I stayed with him I’d be very unhappy locked in a mold designed by someone else.

        Nowadays, about 12 years later, he is married to a woman who was 39 when they met (he must have been 44) and she had 2 kids with him, they are a great match. The ex wife had a child with someone else and became very successful in her field, much more than he ever was. Which makes sense in light of the divorce, he was not particularly supportive of her career in retrospect.

        Bottom line: financial stability is the only reason to marry an older person. In every respect apart from finances, a younger person is better off with someone close in age. Men who want to date and marry younger women need to have real money in the bank.

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        • BTownGirl Says:

          “Bottom line: financial stability is the only reason to marry an older person.”

          Nope. I can only speak for myself, but I’m completely financially secure and don’t need to marry anyone for stability. We’re together because we get each other and we love each other. Sometimes that’s just how it works out.

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        • sandra Says:

          Well, I think another option/angle for the Average Joe older man is to date a younger woman who cannot compete with her peers or get a date with men her age. I think this is quite common.

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          • BTownGirl Says:

            If that’s referring to me, that’s a no. A lot of people want to make their dating lives easy and, for me at least, I wanted someone on the same financial level. And I certainly didn’t choose an Average Joe, for what it’s worth.

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            • sandra Says:

              I meant in general, not your personally. I should have clarified.I should have directed that comment to the 49yo man who still wanted kids.

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      • BTownGirl Says:

        Pretty much the same scenario – he and his ex-wife met in college. I should note that it’s not because he thought she was getting old or something (oy vey, I’m sure those men are out there), but they fought about how much he was working and how much she had to sacrifice her own career to be there for the kids, aka “the usual shit”. I agree with you that feeling locked out of your own age range can suck, but I’d say only as much as you let it. For me, as soon as I hit my 32nd birthday, I thought “Meh, I’m guessing this is going to turn into trying to paddle upstream, so I’m going to adjust and make my life easier.” I can 10000% see why women over 40 decide to do the same.

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        • KK Says:

          ALl of the couples I know – it was pretty much the same scenario as your boyfriend. Or the stress of having young children and him working long hours to support them. I definitely don’t know anyone who left because one partner got old, but the men are all dating women the same age they were last time they had been dating – so, like, 25-30.

          I agree that it is best to adapt. I think the issue is more – if you are attracted to people your own age, and not people who are older, then what do you do?

          I hope that if women in their 50’s are dating younger that they are successful.

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          • BTownGirl Says:

            You hit the nail on the head with “what if you’re only attracted to people your own age?”, because I’ve always liked them older and I know I’m probably in the minority! I don’t really have any good answers here, but everyone’s pretty much in the same boat trying to pick and choose what to prioritize vs. what’s realistic in the current dating climate. What a pain in the ass sometimes, I agree.

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  8. AnnieNonymous Says:

    These days I’m veering younger because, in my region/social sphere, the guys who are my age and older often have kids with other women. They also sometimes have different expectations of the dating experience. There’s also the fact that I’m around the age (early 30s) when a lot of people start getting married, so I basically have to go for guys who are overtly older or younger if I want to find a pool of singles.

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  9. Eliza Says:

    And it’s interesting how people claim “attraction is what truly matters”, not age. Yet, more often than not, one of the first questions is based around “occupation” what a person does for a living…and then usually “so, how old are you”? And then the silly immature “guess how old” reply kicks in…with some people, not all folks.

    Yes, aging truly sucks….for all of us. You can’t turn back the hands of time. When a see a profile of a man that is say age 50…yet his preference is women aged 38-51…I pass them by. Even though I fall within that category–I can ready the writing on the wall. His needs his fragile ego stroked. Don’t bother. I would be swimming upstream in that situation.

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  10. horn Says:

    Sadly, it’s you with the ‘fear of death’ at 48 projecting it on to others. Men will always prefer hotter and younger women whether that be 10-20 years younger or more. And there are plenty of 20-something women that want to date a guy that’s already mature, successful, and knows what he likes and desires.

    As for aging, women typically like guys with some silver or salt and pepper hair. I can tell you more women have said how good-looking I am since I turned 40 than ever before.

    Life’s just not fair. But older men dating younger women has ever been the norm in virtually all cultures since recorded history.

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    • Parenting Says:

      But why is that the norm? Maybe because historically when men married they had to have enough money saved to provide for a wife and family and not because women lust after grey hair and a spare tire.

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      • Eliza Says:

        It’s no longer the norm (i.e., older men and younger women).
        Today–women are more educated and quite successful….so women don’t need “spare tires” to hold on to! lol. And I speak with plenty of women, young and older and most don’t care for grey hair…today, most men are also folically challenged…they are bald AND fat…not a good look. And as stated by another person on here–“men would rather be alone than date a woman they are not attracted to”…well, the same applies to women today. Unless the woman is desperate to cling onto ANY man, for financial security. So…life has changed, and become actually fair for those women who have become rather successful in the working world!! heehee And it’s quite liberated for women who do not want children…less pressure and bullshit to deal with. LOL!

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  11. So Says:

    Sign. What’s the point to blame a man rejecting a woman for ANY reason?

    If a woman wants a real relationship with a man, she should at least try to understand man.

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    • Nia Says:

      People aren’t really blaming a man, they’re just saying it’s a disappointing fact of life. The author is explaining that women are merely doing the same thing that men have been doing for all of recorded history, and welcome to “our” (meaning women’s) world.
      Women aren’t confused about the idea that men want the youngest possible legal age (and in some cases, maybe not even that!) woman they can reasonably pull. That’s not news and we all get that.
      But mature, rational people make choices in dating;you can’t always get your first, ultimate, dream, unicorn choice.
      Men who don’t or can’t accept that appear foolish as they, at age 50, set their age parameters to “18-35″ or, with tubby bellies, outdated clothing and puffy, bloated faces, insist women who contact them “take care of themselves” or be “fit”.
      Women understand men pretty well, pal. They just want better.

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      • So Says:

        Piointless trying to sell men something they don’t value. Pointless pointing out they’re wrong if you want to win their affection. Instead, how about simply try to win their affection?

        IMHO.

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      • Lawrence Says:

        Believe me, most men would rather be single than be with someone they’re not attracted to. So why not shoot for the stars? Men are more visual than women. And there’s plenty of older men in their 50’s with bellies who are dating younger, attractive women. On the contrary, I don’t see younger, good looking guys going after wrinkled and overweight women doing duckface selfies in the mirror who probably turned down and flaked on good men in their younger days. I see countless dating profiles of older, overweight single moms demanding an attractive and fit guy with money. It’s pretty comedic.

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        • sandra Says:

          Sorry, I almost NEVER see pot-bellied , slothy older men with attractive younger women. And I mean that. I never see it. And in the cases where it does exist, I assure you she hates the sex and is having “sexy time” with the pool guy, bartender, or someone young and hot. Yes, I know age disparate couples, but neither of the parties is much to write home about, though it is still rather transnational in nature based on what both have to offer.
          I repeat, women do NOT find wrinkled , out of shape men sexually attractive, however, SOME women will overlook this if he has something she needs. But do not delude yourself that she thinks you are cute. She doesn’t. She puts up will you.

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          • Eliza Says:

            Thanks Sandra–and Nia! For telling it like it is. But in a way it’s pointless for those men who are delusional, and think or rather are convinced, that just because they are a little well off–women 10+ yr youngers and thin and fit will find a man that resembles a big pot belly pig attractive…or those men who do the Trump combover attractive. NOT! They don’t realize, or rather unable to accept that women are actually quite visual too! We have eyes…and we do have taste and don’t like blubber that hangs over pants! lol. Perhaps the only cases of someone much younger and fit with a sloth of a man would be “mail ordered bride”…coming from extreme destitute! And once they get their green card?…they are GONE with he wind. haha

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            • Lawrence Says:

              Please. Age aside, how often do you see an ugly, nerdy, fat, or less attractive guy with a better looking or beautiful girl? I see it pretty often. In fact, I know many couples like this and it isn’t because he has money. But you almost never see a really good looking guy with an uglier girl. The answer is pretty simple. Women are not only attracted to looks, they are also attracted to personality, intelligence, charisma, wealth, ambition, kindness, and so forth. I have guy friends that have “hit the jackpot” so to speak, and they aren’t rich. So it isn’t fair to assume every young girl with an older/fat guy is a golddigger.

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              • sandra Says:

                Women are absolutely attracted to they are also attracted to personality, intelligence, charisma, wealth, ambition, kindness, and so forth. No question. But I still rarely see ugly and unsuccessful man with beautiful and younger woman. I may see with a woman better looking than HE is, and who really knows her age anyway. But the young and beautiful are interested in the wealthy. And Wealthy can be relative. To a young woman with nothing, zilch, zippo, nada – a man who can pay rent and buy food is wealthy.
                Hollywood and rock stars are not a good comparison for anyone.

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                • Eliza Says:

                  Thank you Sandra. Sure, to someone from Taiwan or any other third world country, coming from a situation where she may have to work 14+ hours a day in a labor-intensive job, and get nowhere in the socio-economic sphere…she will jump at dating a 50+ year old bald sloth…if he has any means…even if she is 20 yrs old or younger! I’ve seen. Close up–and guess what? They may be destitute–but not dumb…they get married, get their green card…learn the language enough–and then find themselves someone else! or someway else to move on. OR stay for the lifestyle and security alone. The writing on the wall is in huge font. It has been done to a family relative of mine! He was in his late 40’s, and find a “mail order bride” from China-she was 21!…she did her time…and then took off when her ducks were in a row. And he was dumbfounded!

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        • bbdawg Says:

          “So why not shoot for the stars?”

          That sentence says it all. You’re looking for fantasy. Women want the reality of a day-to-day partner. It’s mind-boggling that you can’t get the most obvious thing: if you’re a man not getting younger women consistently the problem is MONEY. There are younger women with older men IF THEY HAVE MONEY HELLO. Older men are a means to an end.

          Instead of whining you should be out there starting companies and accumulating cash and assets. If you haven’t done that that means you have failed as a man in a “traditional” provider role – which is what women traditionally look to men for. That means you are not qualified to objectify anyone. You have nothing to offer. All the guys with younger women have money, they can afford to let them be stay-at-home wives.

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          • Parenting Says:

            You raise a great point. I’m not sure why this is so hard for some guys to accept. If you are 50 and you want to date a 30-35 year old woman, you’d better be bringing something to the table that all the 30-40 year old men you are competing with arent. And “I look young than my age” isnt one of those things.

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  12. So Says:

    For those women who had difficulties finding love, I’ve said here loudly why. FYI.

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    • Nia Says:

      I haven’t really seen any concrete advice other than “try to understand men and win their affection and don’t sell them something they don’t want”.

      Women are aware that these super-basic ideas are “table stakes”. Very few women that I know or are aware of are out trying to convince 20 somethings to date them when they’re 45. No woman wants to force or coerce or trick a man into dating her. Are there women who are older and *gasp* have wrinkles and are carrying a few extra who are saying silly things like “be in shape!” and all that? Sure. Just like there’s guys out there doing the same thing. Delusion runs high on both sides of the camp.

      If a man wants youth, exactly how does a woman over the age of 35 or so “win” the affections of a man who wants a youthful woman? No amount of niceness, understanding, sweetness, or even hotness will “win” his affection.

      I saw an episode of Millionaire Matchmaker once where the guy was late 40’s and insisted that the woman be 35 or younger ONLY. The matchmaker tried to squeak a 37 year old by him with *literally a Sports Illustrated Body* who was funny, cool, had the same interests, and was doing cartwheels on the beach after spending the day surfing (fun, lighthearted, flexible, spontaneous, athletic, etc) and the guy was like “but… she’s 37. no go.”

      So…that woman was doing everything these men here on this site are screaming about: “take care of yourself”, be “fun”, be “spontaneous” etc etc. This was a model-hot woman we’re talking about, not a “cute” slightly overweight nerd. What could this woman have done to “win” the affections of this guy? Buy a time machine or get a very realistic portrait of herself at age 24 and make a pact with the devil to never age, I guess!

      I am not telling “men” they are “wrong”. That’s a misreading of what I’m saying. I am explaining how you, personally, are misunderstanding the tone and content of both the article and the contents.

      If it were “so easy” to “get” a guy, or gal, everyone would have one. Many people overlook the element of luck and pin the situation on the one party. Well, if only she would be NICE and stop telling men they were WRONG…

      That’s not true–especially for men that value youthful beauty above other possible benefits (which is their prerogative, I’m not saying otherwise). YOU personally, not “men” are wrong in this instance.

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  13. Fyodor Says:

    People’s numerous arbitrary attraction preferences are generally respected, except for men’s attraction to youth, which causes people to completely lose their sh*t.

    Not wanting dating a man who is short or fat or ugly is unassailable right that only an entitled fake “nice guy” would call women on, notwithstanding that these all stem from equally ridiculous social norms/biological impulses.

    But 40 year old men who’d prefer to date 25 year old women? Call out the Internet lynching squads. They’re irresponsible and selfish Peter Pan manboys and mens rights activists who are intentionally devaluing the rich experiences of women.

    Yeah, dating is hard and unfair for 35 year old women. It’s hard and unfair for a lot of people for reasons that have nothing to do with their personal merits.

    No one’s attraction preferences stem from any sort of rational place. Youth is no different.

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    • UWSGal Says:

      eh, sorry no. Not at all the same thing. Anybody who’s asking something of their potential partner that they themselves can’t match or offer are unreasonable entitled people in my book. That includes 5’2” women who only want to date guys over 6′, overweight people looking to date models, broke girls who wonder is a guy’s six figure income is high enough and of course 45 year olds who only want to date 25 year olds. See, equal opportunity hater here.

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    • bbdawg Says:

      There are two problems with your assumption. The most glaring one and I think that’s why we women respond so strongly to this, is that you being attracted a younger somehow means that she may see you as a compatible partner.

      Second of all is the creep factor. When I was in my teens and 20s I got approached by much older men who well, clearly did not see me as a *person* but a piece of meat. And that’s the problem. women are looking for partners, people who you may have something in common with, and many men are looking for a piece of meat. None of the men on this thread have said they want to MARRY anyone for real, they just want to *date*. Seriously people. Nothing To Offer Award to Y’all.

      Men are lucky that unlike us women you can WORK and make LOTS of money and become attractive through your ability to acquire possessions. And NOT be offended if people like you for what you own, and not who you are. Considering these factors, if you think youth is so important and knowing that there is a way to acquire younger female attention by becoming rich the fact that you don’t says that you have not actually prioritized this enough.

      Women can smell success from miles away and it’s not being an employee somewhere. The harsh truth is that women may work hard and become successful but men will not like them for that. So that fact that you have this advantage but you don’t use makes you look like creepy and deluded losers. Culture is on your side, you just don’t want to work hard enough to actually get with younger women and have babies with them like Mick Jagger and Alec Baldwin did.

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    • Speed Says:

      I can see your point: one person’s dating wish list, however seemingly fanciful, should be just as valid as another’s (male or female). I agree. I certainly give a strong 2 thumbs up to all hot young women.

      The only issues, as has been discussed here on this blog many times (and, to be fair toward both men and women) are (to recap this blog, basically):

      Wish list achievement:
      –Am I consistently achieving or at least approximating my wish list? If I say that I will only date Taylor Swift lookalikes and that is what I am consistently getting, then my wish list has no problems at all—and it doesn’t matter what the critics say. However, if I’m demanding Taylor Swift but getting few or no responses at all (online or off) then my wish list—however valid in my mind—has no use in the real world. I’ve to adjust it, most likely radically. Remember we also have to sort of prove our own value. Women have their own wish lists that we have to match. They’re not just standing patiently hoping to be chosen onto ours—and certainly not the youngest, hottest women.

      Sustainability
      –Even if I can achieve my wish list, is it sustainable? For example, a couple of my close friends are solid 9s/10s. Women almost literally beating down their doors. Why did they get married? After a few beers, they’ll tell you, to paraphrase: “I found, to my horror, as I aged, I wasn’t pulling the hotties I used to, or I had a super hard time doing it.” So they cashed in while they still had chips on the table. Although, to bbdawg’s point, they might have been able to sustain longer if they had been pulling 9 figures a year instead of only 6.

      Marriage
      –If I want to marry, will my need to have certain, perhaps “ideal” attraction level in a woman really matter? Or, once the baseline attraction is met, should I be prioritizing her character? Hot young women aren’t always the best wives and mothers, in my observation. Not easy to exchange club hopping, endless attention from all kinds of elite men, and a sort of “minor celebrity status” for an SUV, messy house (however big) and crying kid. Before you know it, she’s eyeing the hunky gardener and learning about how much of your assets she can get hold of in case of divorce.

      Now, I’m not preaching from the clouds. I’ve made all these mistakes and many more. I would just say to any dude to think carefully before operating in the dating world based purely on wish lists and other exclusive self-reference, without any regard to probably outcomes, sustainability, risks, time, change, and other factors. We certainly wouldn’t invest that way. Why would we date that way?

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    • Nia Says:

      Well……I would like to direct your attention to the postings of one Avery T., who for years spent all of his commenting power screaming about how unfair it was that “Alvin Ailey dancer body” women were passing him up, despite his 6-figure income and his UES apartment, because…he was short. And many men chimed in with a rant on how they can’t change their height but women can lose weight (the other big deal breaker that was getting complained about).

      People get riled up about all kinds of deal breakers on here:
      Weight
      Height
      Income
      Having a criminal conviction
      Being divorced
      Having kids

      The thing is, however much you’re perceiving that “society” has some kind of unified cow about May-December romances, they kind of don’t. When Harrison Ford (74) married Calista Flockhart (52) there was no outrage.
      See also:

      Jason Statham and Rose Huntington Whitely, age dif: 19 years
      Mary Kate Olsen and Olivier Sarkozy: 17 years
      George Clooney and Amal 17 years
      Jerry and Jessica Seinfeld: 17 years
      Donald Trump and Melania: 23 years
      Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones: 25 years
      Bruce Willis and Emma Heming: 24 years
      …and so on

      It’s a well accepted and established facet of life that a rich, successful, or famous man has his pick of the ladies, including much, much younger women. Women get up in arms when Joe Average, who doesn’t really bring that much to the table, insists (key word INSISTS) on dating younger women and throws around ugly, reductive language like “It’s not much fun dating overweight single mothers”. That’s the issue.

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  14. sandra Says:

    Wonder if anyone else has seen this documentary –
    http://www.lovemethedocumentary.com/
    It’s available on Netflix and Amazon

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  15. mamajuju Says:

    “and now for something completely different”…
    In my experience when older men give you the “I really want a wife and kids”, line. It is just that: a cheap line designed to get into a younger woman’s pants. They say that
    because they think that is what we are all so eager to hear. It doesn’t matter if the guy is 42, 49 or 50.

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  16. AV Says:

    Well, youth is beauty and youth is sexy. I’m not as young as I used to be; I’d rather be younger, but….that’s life. Everybody always wants somebody younger because….again…..youth is beauty and youth is sexy. I like 19yo redheads under 110 pounds, but lets be real….in my mid-thirties I’m probably a little too old for that, despite years of weightlifting and the fortunate endowments of nature. I would absolutely take the redhead college babe over a 30yo for obvious reasons, but it probably won’t happen.

    “We might not be around when that first woman is elected president. That’s what gutted me most this past November. This was my chance to see a woman in the White House and I might not get that again.”

    So what? Electing leaders based on their genitals or other traits unrelated to their actual executive skills doesn’t seem very smart.

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  17. AC Says:

    “I’ve said this before: people (men AND women) who refuse to date anybody close to their own age or a few years older are projecting.”

    I’ll do you one better. They’re being unrealistic bordering on delusional. To each his or her own but refusing to date someone your age (a few years older/younger) is mind boggling. If anything, the odds of making a connection increase when you’re in the same age bracket. For example, you grew up on the same music, TV shows, movies, etc. Right there, you have more to talk about.

    Then again, I’m single so what do I know.

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