Are First Date Blow-Jobs a Thing?

bjb

Name: Monica
:
Question: Why do men I meet on the first date expect a blow job?

Long story short, met a few guys on ok cupid and pof.

All 3 dumped me because they weren’t looking for a relationship (which is fine)

But what gets me mad is the entire date they were asking sexual questions and pressuring me to give them oral sex.

I don’t know if it’s normal, but they seemed VERY used to it. To the point one broke off the next date with me bc I didn’t (suck it) hard enough.

And btw I’m not ugly. My e-mail box is full. Just wondering if I should brace myself for what’s to come.
Age: 26

 

While these men are classless, you obviously need to improve your vetting skills. This isn’t normal. Sure, we all encounter that guy online who is unabashedly looking for sex and makes no apologies for it. However, it’s rare that they morph into these crude Cro-magnon types. Normally, there are signs from the start.  These types want to make it clear they aren’t trying to be your next boyfriend.  They’re testing you to see how you react. I’ve been in conversations where everything is going swell and then the guy makes a sexual comment and I deflect.  If a guy can’t have a normal conversation without using innuendo, I’m out. It’s fucking cliche at this point. Oh, really? You think I enjoy being in control?

 

It’s possible that maybe one of these guys you’re meeting is totally normal in his messages and surprise attacks you with blow job demands, but it’s unlikely. These guys are showing you who they are and you’re ignoring the signs. That doesn’t make you wrong or bad; we all do it. As such, you can’t be all doe-eyed about this. You know on some level what you’re getting into.  As soon as they start making sexual comments during dinner, if you’re not comfortable with it, get up and leave. You are under no obligation to endure that kind of treatment. And let me be crystal clear: a man who would talk sexual to you like that on a first date does not in any way respect you. He’s making no bones about the fact that you’re nothing but  a receptacle for him. And if any – ANY – man criticizes your technique get the fuck up and LEAVE. Do not, under any circumstances, allow that. Do not let a man pressure or coerce you into having sex. That includes giving these toads head. Earn that, mother fuckers. Listen to me carefully: any man who would use the promise of a second date as a way to get head is PATHETIC. Do you know what that means? It means that dude can’t get anybody blow him by just, like, being himself.

Every woman should go into a date prepared to walk out if the situation calls for it. I have ZERO tolerance for rudeness on dates. Zero. I will throw twenty dollars in a man’s face and tell him, loudly, to fuck right off if he disrespects me. I’ve done it.  It’s glorious. I highly recommend it.

See, men like this will choose women they think will feel too obligated to too grateful to reject them. Sorry to be brutal, but either you give off desperate vibes or you’re picking men out of your league. Most likely both. I did a little research of your email and IP. I know you. We’ve spoken. I’ve seen your profile. I told you then that you needed better photos and that you came off like a bit of shut-in. I wasn’t saying that for my health, ya feel me?

This is what you need to do:

First, get the hell off Plenty of Fish. I have said this dozens and dozens of times: Plenty of Fish is a cesspool. The people who use that site are the dregs of humanity. It’s every battered, broken down horse too deficient to find anybody healthy who has just said, “Eh, fuck it” and given up.

Next, make sure your pictures demonstrate that you aren’t some lonely shut-in. Selfies are okay, but keep it to one or two and balance them out with two or three candid shots of you out doing something. I look at women’s OKC profiles all the time and i can tell the isolated lonely ones a mile away. Their pics are all old and they’re taken in their apartments. They have maybe one pic of them out and about but it’s obvious by the grainy quality that it’s an ancient photo. Just look like you made an effort. Nobody wants to see you in sweats or a t-shirt, you know?

Make sure your profile text doesn’t include any disclaimers of not looking for a hook-up or anything along those lines. That includes statements like, “You’re honest” or “You’re looking for a serious monogamous relationship.” Do not say anything that even hints at the possibility that you’ve been pumped and done before. There should be nothing in your profile that implies you have trust issues. Those kind of things are what make women the perfect mark for guys like this. The man will say and do whatever he has to to lull the woman into a false sense of security.

If you’re not comfortable with things escalating quickly, then you need to remove yourself from the situation asap. These guys will either take the conversation to a sexual place while you’re messaging OR they’ll do it when you meet. You know when you’re walking in to sketchy situation. Don’t brush off those feelings. And do not – DO FUCKING NOT – give head or sleep with someone if you aren’t 100% comfortable with it. Just say good night at the end of the night and walk away.

Beyond that, you’ve read this blog for long enough. You know what you need to do, so do it.

 

 

Thoughts?

AndThatsWhyYoureSingle.com

BuffsandBrainiacs.com

 

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
Share
, , , ,

19 Responses to “Are First Date Blow-Jobs a Thing?”

  1. Nia Says:

    I…I’m speechless at this! I’ve been on dozens of first dates from online dating, and only a handful have gotten sexual–and that’s because sparks were flying from both of us, not because they were being a crude a$$hole and insisting on sexual acts from me or the dumparoo!

    Look, I don’t know the whole story here, but is it possible that you’re texting or messaging and these guys are saying very provocative stuff or being sexual and you’re like…going along with it, unsure how to shut it down, or thinking it’s “flirty”–and then the guy shows up expecting 8 1/2 weeks only to get 50 first dates? *I am NOT saying it’s your fault*!! I’m just wondering how on earth *more than one guy* gets the idea and then the balls to be so openly sexual on a first date.

    Here’s the signs a guy will be a complete turd on a date:

    His profile is barely filled out or not filled out at all

    His pictures are really, really good or he’s really hot, and you feel this nagging feeling of “why couldn’t this guy get a date easily in person?”

    He has a ton of grammar errors and misspellings either deliberately or out of carelessness–this usually indicates someone who was in a rush to put up a profile and doesn’t care how he comes off OR someone who is…shall we say immature. If he’s using “frickin'” and “LOL!” or “UR” or any other “chat speak”–you’re getting a man-child.

    His pictures show him with other women, only in bars, with “hostesses” (like the “Red Bull” girls), with groups of young, fratty guys, and there’s NO pictures of just him

    He posts selfies in *any* state of undress that’s not sports related (like, is he on a surfboard? Otherwise, he should not be shirtless).

    He has “casual” or “short term relatiionship” or anything else that’s similar ONLY marked on his profile

    He makes sexual remarks—like, bragging about his prowess, offering you nude or suggestive pictures, asking you what you like, asking what you’re “looking for”, talking about exes, (ie “my last girl wasn’t into sex and sexual compatibility is really important to me!”)

    He presents himself in a hyper-masculine, hyper-aggressive way (posing with guns, posing with dead animals, giving the finger to the camera, on a 4-wheeler or on some other “boy’s toy”) *and you see other signs he’s “off*. This by itself is not always a deal breaker, although honestly—it usually is.

    Lastly, go with your gut. You’re in control. If a guy is acting a fool, you can leave. There’s so many men out there–you’re 26! There’s no need to settle for knuckle dragging idiots who dangle a second date as a reward for giving them head “the right way” (!!!). I’m with Moxie here–these guys don’t even deserve a second look!

    Maybe it’s time to power down the online dating for now. I’d get off online dating and go do Meetup, join Nextdoor for your community, if church is your bag, start making time for it, and perhaps even join some online *forums* for your hobbies—and make friends. Start getting a feeling for what genuine happiness and real conversation with cool people feels like. Start hearing stories about women who met their guys and how they felt, how the guy acted, and how they were treated—and note this for when you’re ready to get back out there.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 22 Thumb down 4

    Reply

  2. BRM Says:

    If men have to earn sex in a relationship, I’m just wondering what women have to ‘earn’ from men. I’ve dated women who expected to be treated like a queen and have me pay for everything right off the bat.

    I think there’s a lot of misunderstandings between the sexes leading to so many dating challenges.

    If women truly want equity then everything should technically be split down the middle. Or at least ladies maybe need to earn the treatment some think they’re entitled too just because they’re women.

    Just saying…

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 13 Thumb down 30

    Reply

    • Anonymous Says:

      Are you saying you expect a BJ in exchange for dinner or coffee?

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 20 Thumb down 0

      Reply

      • Yvonne Says:

        What gets me is that it sounds like the Monica actually has gone along with this! That’s weird. No, you are not obligated to do anything sexual with a man on a first date, or any date, for that matter. Work on your self-esteem, your standards, and knowing what you want first. Even if you’re not looking for a serious relationship, you should only be dating guys who are respectful and treat you well.

        Have sex when YOU want to, not because you have some screwed-up belief that you are obligated to do so.

        Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 17 Thumb down 0

        Reply

        • Laura Says:

          That’s exactly what I was thinking. There had to be signs, it’s absolutely impossible that a bunch of seemingly decent guys would be making such aggressive sexual advances right out of blue. I believe their online conversations had strong sexual undertones and she just turned a blind eye to it or accepted it thinking it’s the norm. No, it’s not.
          Also, there’s this question of why she keeps meeting such douchebags. I guess she’s sending out a vibe of desperation, and those types are extremely good at picking it up.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 8 Thumb down 0

          Reply

      • BRM Says:

        Not at all. Just both sides of the equation need to consider what they bring to table and sometimes I think women feel love is enough while the man should have a job, be gallant , etc.

        Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 6 Thumb down 14

        Reply

        • UWSGal Says:

          Are you freaking for real? I am yet to meet a man who’d consider what a woman actually brings “to the table” in terms of job, education, character, values etc. before trying to have sex with her. Men fuck first think later. Women are way more diligent in that respect as they usually think about all of those things first. So puhhlease save this b/s about what a woman “brings to the table” – she may be a top banker making a million bucks and running marathons before breakfast, but unless she brings C-cups “to the table” you won’t be interested in that one bit. So save it, dude.

          Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 11 Thumb down 3

          Reply

          • fuzzilla Says:

            I mean, I guess, “Think about what you bring to the table as a partner rather than just what the other person can do for you” is a fair enough point in general. But BRM is acting like the OP is super entitled simply for not wanting be treated like a cum dumpster. Um, NO. Fucking learn to read a room, dude.

            It’s kinda like that dude who inserts “but women hate short men” into every single discussion, no matter the topic. Like, “My dog died.” “Well, if you’d chosen a TALLER BOYFRIEND, it would’ve corresponded to choosing a heartier breed of dog…” or whatever the hell his point is supposed to be.

            Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 1

            Reply

    • Nia Says:

      Arg, they don’t “earn” it! What people who say that mean is “they earn my trust, respect, time, and intimacy, both physical and emotional.” And honestly, men would do well do have the same outlook. People “earn” that trust by putting in time and effort. Effort can look like spending money but it can also look like calling when you say you will, asking questions and caring about the answers, taking the time to plan cool, interesting dates, respecting boundaries, and in general proving yourself to be a trustworthy person.
      Women are (in general) in a much higher risk pool when it comes to sex. Because of their bodies, they can contract and suffer from STD’s more easily and more intensely (for example, losing their fertility to PID), and they have the constant fear of pregnancy hanging over their head. Also, to be frank, and somewhat unpleasant, sex can be painful and scary with the wrong man.
      Women are being smart to “vet” men before being with them. They are not making men jump through hoops. They are protecting their bodies physically.
      I can’t say this for every woman, but many, many women also have a strong emotional reaction to sex, and have decided that because of this, they need to take time and carefully feel out partners. Is this a good guy? That only comes with time.
      Your average person is not an English professor or linguist and is misusing the word “earn” to mean “gain” or something similar. You “gain” intimacy and trust over time.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 22 Thumb down 4

      Reply

      • fuzzilla Says:

        Not to mention, BRM’s comment had absolutely nothing to do with the OP or her situation. Really, you need to “earn” the right to not be treated like garbage? That’s like saying pedestrians need to “earn” the right to not be mowed down by my car. I mean, sure, they should look both ways before crossing and not throw themselves in front of cars or whatever, but if I’m a negligent driver, that’s on me, it has nothing to do with what they “earned” or what they “deserve.” GTFO with that nonsense.

        Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 17 Thumb down 2

        Reply

    • Eliza Says:

      to reply to BRM’s absurd statement…people in general deserve to be treated with respect! We all (men and women alike) should expect to be treated with dignity…and for some, “trust” is earned – in time and with certain actions. A woman doesn’t come of entitled merely because she expects to be treated properly. Regardless of who picked up the lousy bill for dinner or a $2.00 cup of coffee, propositioning a woman for sex is just nasty…expecting it is worse.
      Now, that is entitlement. With that mindset, it’s no wonder dating is a cesspool…with Neanderthals of that limited IQ!

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 11 Thumb down 3

      Reply

    • Sarah Says:

      BRM, bless your heart. This “earn it” thing really isn’t difficult to understand. All it means is that maybe if a man doesn’t act like an absolute shitheel, then perhaps a woman will actually WANT to put her mouth on his penis, rather than merely feeling obligated. Stop pretending you don’t get it.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 0

      Reply

  3. Noquay Says:

    POF and OKC are both dating cesspools. Free sites generally are. Still, what the OP has experienced is weird. Even being dumped routinely by guys that just want sex is weird. Something else going on here. Pics too provocative, missing out on cues these dudes are trash? I dunno.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 11 Thumb down 0

    Reply

    • Eliza Says:

      I agree with Noquay–even with low brow sites like POF…this shouldn’t happen often. Or even at all…although I don’t know about POF, or any of those free sites…perhaps the OP is communicating with trailer park type men?! lol…and perhaps she is just giving off certain vibes…and making allowances and giving them the red light to act like this? I have been on OKC, and don’t even open lines of communication to allow this to occur.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 2

      Reply

      • sandra Says:

        Does not have to be “trailer park” types for this to happen. Seemingly normal men of all ages do this, but you have to shut it down and walk away as soon as looks like it is going in that direction.

        Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 11 Thumb down 0

        Reply

        • Eliza Says:

          True, Sandra…oftentimes, people treat you the way you allow them to treat you. Not everyone extends courtesy or has that demeanor by nature. Some will try to get away with what they can….so it’s up to you to put a stop to it, or just walk away at initial signs.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 0

          Reply

  4. AnnieNonymous Says:

    This is actually pretty normal for people in their 20s who are using apps and sites to meet people. Guys in that age group who want real relationships aren’t going online to find them.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 3 Thumb down 9

    Reply

  5. Zaire Says:

    I’m Monica’s age (just turned 27 actually, yay). And I agree this isn’t normal. There are men that try it but they usually tell on themselves. They will mention some version of “Netflix and chill” or open with sexual innuendo or take it there soon after.

    I had a guy write “what’s up bubble butt” and that was my clue he wasn’t looking for what I was. I don’t have ass pics on my profile (but I do have a full frontal in a tight LBD).

    Someone up top had a great list of things to look for but I’ll put my list too:

    1. Guys with the shirtless pics taken in bed are very suspect.
    2. Sexual openers or convos they try very hard to turn towards sex
    3. In town for a few weeks (although I’ve gone out with guys visiting who were attractive, classy, smart, and respectable)
    4. Very attractive and no effort profile (I put these together because if the guy was average with a bad profile no one would think twice of swiping left, self included)
    5. New to the area (yellow flag, not necessarily sex oriented but they are less likely to be interested in LTR)
    6. Sexually suggestive profile
    7. Extended texting/messaging (building fake rapport)
    8. Adding you on social media soon after meeting (fake rapport)

    Over the summer I had a (hot) guy extend a Bumble match and I messaged him. The convo was good and at the end he asked “should we get a drink or just watch GoT” to me that was his slick way of suggesting I just come over. I didn’t bail and we got a drink, had a great convo, even got a light dinner and made out. He seemed interested but that message didn’t really sit well. What do you know, he cancels the second date because of “work” (lawyer). Faded out for 3 weeks and came back saying “I’m caught up with work, wanna watch GoT”. Yeah whatever, ignore. He also added me on FB right after our first date.

    The point is guys will give themselves away, you just have to look for those little signs. Even if the guy corrects himself it’s most likely because he wants you to let your guard down to get what he wants. You don’t have to be defensive or standoffish just vigilante.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 13 Thumb down 3

    Reply

  6. Brad Says:

    Your BJ pressure can be adjusted, douchebaggery is usually irreversible.

    You’re attracting this type of guy for some reason. BJ demands are wrong 100% of the time, especially on a first date.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

    Reply

Leave a Reply

© 2013-2017 And That's Why You're Single All Rights Reserved