Signs He’s Not Very Good With Women

 

Name: Diana
:
Question: I’m 34 and VERY single.  I’ve had such disappointing, painful experiences with men that I have given up looking altogether. I won’t go on dating sites, I don’t go to bars, I don’t ask men out, etc.

One afternoon, my mom and I went to get our phones upgraded. (We share a plan, it was easier to do together.)  A very good looking young guy helped us. Due to technology drama, I ended up staying alone in the store with the guy as my phone backed up, and we got to talking about hobbies, movies, etc. He teased me about my phone wallpaper, which happened to be of a good looking rock star. Very casual. I didn’t think anything of it.

The next day, my mom had to go back in to trade in her old phone. The same guy was there and she thanked him for his help. He took over from the other clerk, and said since he wouldn’t see us again, he wanted to tell her how beautiful I was, and how amazed he had been to find he had so much in common with me.  THEY got to talking, and he asked if she thought I’d mind if he texted me. She said no, and encouraged him.

Now, I was unaware of this until he texted me and said hello. We texted back and forth, he told me how pretty I was and how much he’d enjoyed talking to me. He asked me out, and I said I’d go.

He texted repeatedly over the next couple of days, asking how I was, asking fairly personal questions. He basically re-asked me out before the agreed-on date, and I once again said yes.

Friday rolls around, he texts saying he hasn’t gotten the expected paycheck. I too hadn’t been paid. We tried to find something to do for free, but two broke individuals without any gas, on a night where a major snowstorm was planned … it limited our options. We gave up. He seemed sulky and angry, and I said “Well, if you find something to do, I’ll be here, otherwise we’ll try another night.”  He said he didn’t have a lot of time off, and left it at that.

He stopped texting after that.  I texted him towards the end of the weekend and said “Don’t feel bad, tickets are impossible to come by for the movie anyway” and he said “I see.”  And that’s been it.

What happened? I didn’t go looking for this guy, he engaged me, and then dropped me.  I feel like this was all some elaborate joke — pick up the girl who has the pin-up wallpaper — and it was just an ego boost. I had felt very flattered that he would think I was pretty since I was wearing no make-up and probably 8 sweaters, but I think now he just saw me as an ugly chick to game. Some of my male friends have suggested he was just so embarrassed about being broke that he can’t face me again, but this doesn’t feel possible.   At any rate, it’s another notch on my why-I-never-date belt — I somehow end up humiliated and dateless every single time.
Age: 34

 

No, I don’t think this was an elaborate joke. I think this guy felt like you were rejecting him.

Some of my male friends have suggested he was just so embarrassed about being broke that he can’t face me again, but this doesn’t feel possible.   

It’s both totally possible and totally likely. I agree with your guy friends. I think he was embarrassed that he didn’t have any money and thought you were blowing him off because of that. I see this happen here all the time: the male commenters give women a view from the other side and tell them what goes through their heads in certain situatiuons and the female commenters go, “Nah. I reject that because, reasons.” Like, you’re getting inside intel! Why are you constantly disregarding it? Stop doing that!

While I do feel bad for this guy that he possibly felt embarrassed or shamed, my sympathy only goes so far. There’s no need to act like a petulant child about it and take it out on you. You made an effort to follow up and he was a douche. Fuck him. You did nothing wrong. His fragile ego isn’t your problem. He needs to take ownership of that. Imagine actually being ina  relationship with someone like that. It would be like raising a child.

We texted back and forth, he told me how pretty I was and how much he’d enjoyed talking to me. He asked me out, and I said I’d go. He texted repeatedly over the next couple of days, asking how I was, asking fairly personal questions.

Red Flag #1: The effusive compliments and personal questions. This guy is awkward and inexperienced. Guys who think complimenting a woman’s looks is the way to get her attention are men who don’t have a lot of experience with women.

He basically re-asked me out before the agreed-on date, and I once again said yes.

Red Flag #2: He re-asked you out. You know why he did that? Because he’s used to being blown off. That explains his cry baby reaction.

Friday rolls around, he texts saying he hasn’t gotten the expected paycheck.

Red Flag #3: You never – EVER – talk about your finances with someone you don’t know. Talk about awkward. He knew you and he had plans. He should have made sure he would have the money to go out. That’s just proper adulting.

I’ve had such disappointing, painful experiences with men that I have given up looking altogether. I won’t go on dating sites, I don’t go to bars, I don’t ask men out, etc.

“I think that’s a super philosophy. That way you can go through your entire life without every having to really know anybody.” – Good Will Hunting

“You’ll never have that kind of relationship in a world where you’re afraid to take the first step because all you see is every negative thing 10 miles down the road.” – Good Will Hunting.

I get it. I really do. The pain of loneliness and fear of rejection can make you want to close up shop for good. But you can’t, if only because you will miss out on making some truly beautiful and worth while connections in this world.  After everything that happened with my family over the past four plus tears, I’ve become completely shut down. It’s a struggle for me to embark on any kind of new relationship because, as the quote above states, all I see are the negatives. I am 48 years old. (Almost. Dec 31st, mother fuckers. I expect birthday wishes.) I am only now learning how to take those initial steps. Ask my private post readers. All I do is forecast grey skies every, single time I meet someone new.  It’s a coping mechanism. Preparing myself for rejection protects me from the rejection. What some people might brush off with little effort cuts me deeply. No matter how aware of it I become and no matter how much preparation I do, I’m still devastated by something as simple as a cancellation. It’s a horrible way to live. The reason I am that way is because I never got in the habit of taking chances on people and building up a tolerance to the rejection. If you stay closed off you will stunt yourself. Don’t do it.

This guy doesn’t have his shit together and gets rejected because of it. Keep it movin’.

 

 

Thoughts?

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8 Responses to “Signs He’s Not Very Good With Women”

  1. JMan Says:

    Regarding comments on looks and appearance, it’s fine to do here and there, but if you’re constantly doing it then it comes off as superficial and weird. It goes both ways though. I had a date with a weird girl who told me I’m cute 10 times on a date and then asked personal questions about my sex life and then basically volunteered her whole sex life. Like 95% of the conversation on the date was about it. This was on the first date, mind you. It made me feel so uncomfortable.

    I quit complimenting women on their looks, regardless of how cute they are if I’m on a date because for the most part it’s unnecessary. I’m sure they figured that if you’re on a date with them, you have some physical attraction to them just like how they have some physical attraction to me. Appearance matters but it isn’t everything.

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  2. PGH Gal Says:

    Yes to all Moxie said here. I’m also concerned that the LW is 34 and broke, in her own words. I feel like you should have the money for a movie or a drink or coffee with someone new…regardless of whether it is payday or not. That applies to both her and the guy asking her out. If you can’t afford to go dutch, financial responsibility may need to be a priority here.

    She obviously has a lot of work to do on herself and her confidence, but this particular outcome isn’t her fault. He over reacted. Be glad you discovered this before going out with him.

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  3. BTownGirl Says:

    These situations remind me a lot of something I learned when I did treatment for an anxiety disorder. A lot of times, what people are actually afraid of is FEELING badly, out of control, off-kilter, not actually BEING in any real danger. Feeling shitty/rejected sucks, but how does anyone get over it without putting themselves out there and then learning that, if what they’re fearing so much does happen, they’re actually just fine? Annoyingly enough, there’s no way that I know of to learn coping skills without actually being in a situation that makes you feel uncomfortable or you can’t control the outcome of!

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    • JMan Says:

      Rejection isn’t actually the issue. Being led on is a way bigger issue. Rejection is just a reminder that you tried but it wouldn’t have worked either way so move onto the next one. Being led on is a whole different story. It gives you false hope and you feel like an idiot when you find out the person really isn’t into you.

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      • BTownGirl Says:

        Right, but no one knows if they’re being led on unless they actually go on the date, see where it goes, etc. Whatever it is that people worry is going to happen, the way to deal with it is not “sit in the house and don’t even try.”

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    • KK Says:

      Eh. Sometimes when something like that happens you are absolutely not fine. But you have to keep at it because the pain does lessen but the sad catch 22 is rhat we need to go through more painful experienes for the pain to diminish. And. Yeah. You can definitely cut yourself off from people and….no pain. But it means no connection and if you get hurt again it will hurt even more because no practice

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  4. mxf Says:

    “I somehow end up humiliated and dateless every single time.”

    What?? Look, I know this letter is a bit of a cry for help, but maybe it’s time to re-evaluate your position on the “disappointing, painful experiences with men” you keep having?

    The only response to not heading out in a snow storm to meet up with someone who seemed cute but then immediately revealed that they were a whiny weirdo is… relief. Relief it didn’t take even a full date, just a few texts, to get enough info to move on. Throw in a little pat on the back that you’re cute enough to pull random store clerks here and there, even if they are socially inept.

    In a lot of ways, this was a positive experience – your time is valuable, and you lost very little of it in the process of not-meeting with this guy. The only way it’s going to stay ‘painful’ is if you let every other person’s shortfalls be a yard stick for your worth.

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    • fuzzilla Says:

      True, but disappointments really hit you hard when your efforts are few and far between. Which is precisely why you should make yourself get out and explore as many options as possible when you’re dating – you’re more likely to be exposed to decent people and can more easily shrug off the idiots and disappointments.

      I get that sometimes you get burnt out and need a break, but if you’re not even trying, the problem is you.

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