Question: I’m 34 and VERY single. I’ve had such disappointing, painful experiences with men that I have given up looking altogether. I won’t go on dating sites, I don’t go to bars, I don’t ask men out, etc.
One afternoon, my mom and I went to get our phones upgraded. (We share a plan, it was easier to do together.) A very good looking young guy helped us. Due to technology drama, I ended up staying alone in the store with the guy as my phone backed up, and we got to talking about hobbies, movies, etc. He teased me about my phone wallpaper, which happened to be of a good looking rock star. Very casual. I didn’t think anything of it.
The next day, my mom had to go back in to trade in her old phone. The same guy was there and she thanked him for his help. He took over from the other clerk, and said since he wouldn’t see us again, he wanted to tell her how beautiful I was, and how amazed he had been to find he had so much in common with me. THEY got to talking, and he asked if she thought I’d mind if he texted me. She said no, and encouraged him.
Now, I was unaware of this until he texted me and said hello. We texted back and forth, he told me how pretty I was and how much he’d enjoyed talking to me. He asked me out, and I said I’d go.
He texted repeatedly over the next couple of days, asking how I was, asking fairly personal questions. He basically re-asked me out before the agreed-on date, and I once again said yes.
Friday rolls around, he texts saying he hasn’t gotten the expected paycheck. I too hadn’t been paid. We tried to find something to do for free, but two broke individuals without any gas, on a night where a major snowstorm was planned … it limited our options. We gave up. He seemed sulky and angry, and I said “Well, if you find something to do, I’ll be here, otherwise we’ll try another night.” He said he didn’t have a lot of time off, and left it at that.
He stopped texting after that. I texted him towards the end of the weekend and said “Don’t feel bad, tickets are impossible to come by for the movie anyway” and he said “I see.” And that’s been it.
What happened? I didn’t go looking for this guy, he engaged me, and then dropped me. I feel like this was all some elaborate joke — pick up the girl who has the pin-up wallpaper — and it was just an ego boost. I had felt very flattered that he would think I was pretty since I was wearing no make-up and probably 8 sweaters, but I think now he just saw me as an ugly chick to game. Some of my male friends have suggested he was just so embarrassed about being broke that he can’t face me again, but this doesn’t feel possible. At any rate, it’s another notch on my why-I-never-date belt — I somehow end up humiliated and dateless every single time.
No, I don’t think this was an elaborate joke. I think this guy felt like you were rejecting him.
Some of my male friends have suggested he was just so embarrassed about being broke that he can’t face me again, but this doesn’t feel possible.
It’s both totally possible and totally likely. I agree with your guy friends. I think he was embarrassed that he didn’t have any money and thought you were blowing him off because of that. I see this happen here all the time: the male commenters give women a view from the other side and tell them what goes through their heads in certain situatiuons and the female commenters go, “Nah. I reject that because, reasons.” Like, you’re getting inside intel! Why are you constantly disregarding it? Stop doing that!
While I do feel bad for this guy that he possibly felt embarrassed or shamed, my sympathy only goes so far. There’s no need to act like a petulant child about it and take it out on you. You made an effort to follow up and he was a douche. Fuck him. You did nothing wrong. His fragile ego isn’t your problem. He needs to take ownership of that. Imagine actually being ina relationship with someone like that. It would be like raising a child.
We texted back and forth, he told me how pretty I was and how much he’d enjoyed talking to me. He asked me out, and I said I’d go. He texted repeatedly over the next couple of days, asking how I was, asking fairly personal questions.
Red Flag #1: The effusive compliments and personal questions. This guy is awkward and inexperienced. Guys who think complimenting a woman’s looks is the way to get her attention are men who don’t have a lot of experience with women.
He basically re-asked me out before the agreed-on date, and I once again said yes.
Red Flag #2: He re-asked you out. You know why he did that? Because he’s used to being blown off. That explains his cry baby reaction.
Friday rolls around, he texts saying he hasn’t gotten the expected paycheck.
Red Flag #3: You never – EVER – talk about your finances with someone you don’t know. Talk about awkward. He knew you and he had plans. He should have made sure he would have the money to go out. That’s just proper adulting.
I’ve had such disappointing, painful experiences with men that I have given up looking altogether. I won’t go on dating sites, I don’t go to bars, I don’t ask men out, etc.
“I think that’s a super philosophy. That way you can go through your entire life without every having to really know anybody.” – Good Will Hunting
“You’ll never have that kind of relationship in a world where you’re afraid to take the first step because all you see is every negative thing 10 miles down the road.” – Good Will Hunting.
I get it. I really do. The pain of loneliness and fear of rejection can make you want to close up shop for good. But you can’t, if only because you will miss out on making some truly beautiful and worth while connections in this world. After everything that happened with my family over the past four plus tears, I’ve become completely shut down. It’s a struggle for me to embark on any kind of new relationship because, as the quote above states, all I see are the negatives. I am 48 years old. (Almost. Dec 31st, mother fuckers. I expect birthday wishes.) I am only now learning how to take those initial steps. Ask my private post readers. All I do is forecast grey skies every, single time I meet someone new. It’s a coping mechanism. Preparing myself for rejection protects me from the rejection. What some people might brush off with little effort cuts me deeply. No matter how aware of it I become and no matter how much preparation I do, I’m still devastated by something as simple as a cancellation. It’s a horrible way to live. The reason I am that way is because I never got in the habit of taking chances on people and building up a tolerance to the rejection. If you stay closed off you will stunt yourself. Don’t do it.
This guy doesn’t have his shit together and gets rejected because of it. Keep it movin’.