Is He Still Hung Up On His Ex-Wife?

Name: Charlotte
:
Question: Can I get an unbiased opinion?
I met B. 8 years ago through a dating site. We dated after emailing for a year. He said he was just making sure I was safe. Anyway, he continually spoke of his ex, Whom he said cheated on him. Eight months into our relationship he starts “” leaving his phone in his car” and not talking much on the phone with me. Turns out his ex-wife came back into town and they got back together. I should mention that they’ve been apart for 20 years, that he was married once after her, but that marriage didn’t last because he had unfinished business with his first wife, so he got back together with her again.

Fast forward a couple years, and B is contacting me again. We get back together, and this time it’s pretty nice. Things take a little turn, and I sense something is happening, as he’s talking about her a lot. We split for a couple weeks. A few mean things are said to each other via email, we apologize (or rather I apologize to him) and we eventually get back together. Then one night in a rage, he screams at me calling me a slut (because I was reading an email flyer from a riding group I used to belong to, and my ex boyfriend belongs to the group still), he says I broke up with him to sleep with someone else, (which is totally unfounded) and respond by saying just because I was reading that group flyer doesn’t mean a thing…I say at least I don’t carry pictures of my ex in my cell phone. I know this because he showed them to me and told me every time she comes to town (which seems to be whenever he is dating someone) she sends him a picture of herself. He then tells me that that is
his ex-wife, and he can have and say and do anything he wants with her. It’s none of my business.

At that point, I’m completely heartbroken but I can’t drive home so I go to bed, awake and crying all night. I can’t believe what he just said to me. He slept on the sofa that night, came in in the morning when he was leaving for work, and said goodbye and left. I got up, gathered my things, and drove home which was 45 miles. I don’t even know how I got Home, it was a blur. At that point, I was done. It was clear that he didn’t care.

now for the third time, he has contacted me this past July. I did go meet with him, we started as friends, because I wanted to see if he was trustworthy. He seemed a bit different, but not for long. Things were going great, he said he was over his wife, and then the next thing you know he’s talking about what an awesome person she is, wanting me to do some of the things like she used to do, and even hinted that I was peeling the potatoes wrong at Thanksgiving because that’s not how she did it. I should also add that during this third time around, he mentioned to me that the second time we had been together, he had gotten back with her and it probably was his fault because he had been calling her. I asked him why he never mentioned that to me, and his response was he didn’t feel that he needed to tell me everything. He then proceeded to tell me that she was wanting to come back to him. I asked him why she kept doing that, and he said he had told her his door would always be open to her. I told him I thought that was crazy and he was inviting trouble.I should note that his ex was coming to town shortly before Christmas. At least that’s what he told me. I should also mention that
they get back together for about a month, and it always ends poorly according to him.

Long story short, I left the day after Thanksgiving, only returning wants to pick up my things, and never went in to his house, nor did he come out.

It is my opinion now, that he is not over his ex wife,. Am I wrong in believing that he will never change? He pines over country love songs, and accuses me of being insecure. I feel like all the pieces are fitting together, and that I was just a bed warmer until she decides to come back to him for good.

He still tries to text me, I think to test the waters to make sure I’m still an option.What are your honest thoughts?
Age: 54

 

Then one night in a rage, he screams at me calling me a slut (because I was reading an email flyer from a riding group I used to belong to, and my ex boyfriend belongs to the group still), he says I broke up with him to sleep with someone else,

Let’s stop here. So, this guy can keep orbiting around his ex-wife and continue engaging her, but you’re a slut for looking at a flyer? Can I get a judge’s ruling on this one?

Fuck. Him.

There is WAY TOO MUCH DRAMA in this scenario for it to be healthy or productive. You didn’t peel the potatoes the way his ex-wife did?

Whether he’s over his ex-wife or not (Hint: he’s not) is irrelevant. This guy is a douchebag who abuses you emotionally and psychologically.

Am I wrong in believing that he will never change?

Mope! Not at all. He’s been doing the same thing for years. He’s not changing. More importantly, neither are you. You should have grown weary with this guy’s antics YEARS AGO. The problem isn’t that this guy keeps using you as an air bag every time his ex-wife abandons him. The problem is that you continue to let this guy back in your life.

I feel like all the pieces are fitting together, and that I was just a bed warmer until she decides to come back to him for good.

Pretty much.

You want my honest thoughts? You’re too fucking old to still be trying to figure this guy out. How many more years are you going to waste with the guy?

Thoughts?

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6 Responses to “Is He Still Hung Up On His Ex-Wife?”

  1. UWSGal Says:

    This was so painful to read. I can’t believe the age of those involved is over 50. And here I thought this type of emotional unawareness is resolved by mid-thirties. Sigh.. This guy in the story is clearly broken beyond repair and super toxic and the only woman he should be speaking to is his therapist. But so is the letter writer. He’s not over his wife? No shit, what was your first clue?

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 22 Thumb down 1

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  2. Joy Says:

    Maybe there is no ex-wife. Maybe this guy is using an excuse to see other women. Maybe he just has a mental problem.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 9 Thumb down 0

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  3. Nia Says:

    I just….he needed a YEAR to make sure you were “safe”? Safe from WHAT? What do you find out in a year of emailing that you can’t determine in 2-3 phone calls and a dinner or two?
    GTFO with that. That would be my first red flag.

    Look, what has this guy got going on that he’s worth all this? He’s super handsome? He’s ultra-hung? He’s very wealthy and spreads it around? I mean….girl! There’s other men out there.

    Maybe this drama and history makes you feel deep, intense emotions the way coffee with “Tim” or whomever nice boring realtor from Bumble doesn’t. I get it. Believe me. Stable, calm, well adjusted people often come off as dull or stilted on first dates or even second dates. They don’t have dramatic sob stories that make you feel strong feelings of pity and a desire to “fix” them. They have well established emotional boundaries that prevent them from screaming at you and calling you a slut but they also don’t pour their heart out to you and make you feel special and chosen right off the bat.

    Ask yourself if this is serving you. Is the back and forth *over years* helping you get what you most want in life? Are you closer to the goals you have for yourself?

    My ex used to “pine” over sappy love songs and it drove me bananas for reasons I couldn’t put my finger on, but this has somewhat helped me: Someone in a happy, healthy relationship doesn’t PINE. They don’t play Courtyard Hounds on blast with misty eyes and sigh over tinkley piano music from singer songwriters. They don’t need the emotional ballast and opiate of music to make them feel things. Immature drama kings and queens use music to enhance their roller coaster mental states. People past age 22 don’t make a show of “feeling” music at a cellular level on the regular. Do they rock out to a Springsteen concert or get a lump in their throat over a U2 song or whatever? Sure. But they don’t showily, stagily, make a scene sighing over sad love songs.

    YOU CAN DO BETTER. PLEASE DO.

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    • fuzzilla Says:

      Great comment, and I’ll also add my standard comment – just being alone IS DOING BETTER than being yanked around by some exhausting drama queen.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 8 Thumb down 0

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  4. Sarah Says:

    “Stable, calm, well adjusted people often come off as dull or stilted on first dates or even second dates. They don’t have dramatic sob stories that make you feel strong feelings of pity and a desire to “fix” them. They have well established emotional boundaries that prevent them from screaming at you and calling you a slut but they also don’t pour their heart out to you and make you feel special and chosen right off the bat.”

    THIS.

    THISTHISTHISTHISTHIS.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

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