Never Give a Man More Credit Then He’s Earned

hookup

Name: Anabelle
:
Question: I recently met this amazing guy at a party. After talking to him all night until 5am and having a blast, we went back to his place and of course, hooked up. It was amazing! We stayed up all night talking too.. about our favorite books, favorite breweries and all our similar interests and world travels. He offered to show me around town since I’m new there. The next day about noon, he took me back to my car at the party house. He kissed me goodbye and just as I was about to jump out of his truck, he realized he didn’t have my number. I gave it to him, he smiled and kissed me again.

That was Sunday morning and now it’s Wednesday night. Why didn’t he call? Or will he? I get that it could just be a hookup.. but why get my number and ask if he could take me out sometime then? Did I miss something? Is it creepy to FB message him?
Age: 29

 

First, YES, it’s creepy to message him on Facebook. Listen, we all do it. We get someone’s full name and we rush to social media to find them so we can learn more about them. It’s fine (though counter-intuitive and destructive) to do it, but it’s not fine to let them know you did it. You have to give it some time before you pretend like you haven’t already scoped them out and determined who their ex-girlfriends are and scoped out their profiles.

Second, hold your horses. It’s only been three days.

I get that it could just be a hookup.. but why get my number and ask if he could take me out sometime then?

You have to understand something: most guys ask for a woman’s number after hooking up with them because they know women expect it. It’s basic hook-up etiquette: ask for their number so they don’t feel used. Never read anything into that gesture, because it means nothing. As I’ve said before, everything means nothing until it means everything.At this stage of the game, nothing he does has any real merit. We all go through the motions in certain situations. Until you have a baselines to use as a guide, you can’t assume that anything he does is genuine. Cynical? I prefer practical. That doesn’t mean you should assume he’s a player just looking to pump and dump you. It just means try not to read anything into his behavior. It also means never, ever give someone more credit than they’ve earned.

I don’t know if you missed anything because I wasn’t there. The only thing I can tell you is that you don’t know – one way or another – who this person is. Therefore, you shouldn’t waste more mental energy on him than the situation deserves. Don’t invest more of yourself than is warranted given the brevity of the encounter. If you never hear from him again, don’t try to figure out why, because you will never know. More importantly, don’t assume that he disappeared because of something you did. (That is, unless you know you did something creepy like Facebook message him.) People are fickle. One minute they’re into something, the next they’re not. You know nothing about who this guy really is, so don’t backtrack and recount every second of your night together. There are way too many unknown variables for you to ever come up with a reasonable explanation for why he didn’t call, if in fact he never calls.

Let 2017 be the year you say, “With to without him, I am okay.” Because you are.  He’s one guy. You met him, you’ll meet another one. Or maybe you won’t. That’s okay, too. Do not let your emotions and self-worth revolve around a man’s attention or approval.

Thoughts?

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15 Responses to “Never Give a Man More Credit Then He’s Earned”

  1. Bryan Says:

    It’s taken me several years of this online dating thing to get me to the point not worrying about WHY she doesn’t return a call/text/etc.

    “With to without her, I am okay.” Yes.

    There’s always another one.

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  2. Parenting Says:

    Every single person should read this – particularly single women! Make it your 2017 resolution. If I had known 15 years ago that there is zero value to be gained from analyzing a hug that lasts just a little too long, sweet parting words, and all the rest I would have saved myself so much wasted time and angst.

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  3. Laura Says:

    Amen! The thing is, you’ll never really know why someone did something. There can be a million reasons or there can be no reason at all. Ultimately, it’s doesn’t even actually matter, as chances are that whatever the reason is, it’s got nothing to do with you. At least not in the sense that you could have done something to change or prevent it. So, analyzing to no end why he’s not calling or how long it took him to respond the last time or if there were maybe some signs you oversaw the last time you spoke or met is absolutely useless. Just let it go.
    To be honest, it’s still something I’m learning how to do, but I’m getting better at it. And in the current dating landscape that’s really the only way you can make sure you’re not going to burn yourself out completely and get jaded to the point of no return.

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  4. marys Says:

    Totally agree – you met, you had an amazing evening. He may or may not show up again, but like Moxie said you have no control over his behavior. Just enjoy the fact that you had an amazing evening – and try to let the rest go. I know, easier said then done, but will increase your sanity!

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  5. bbdawg Says:

    Dating is one of those things where “showing up” is the ONLY thing that matters.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 1

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  6. Rocky Says:

    One thing I think should be acknowledged is that the advice in the comments contradicts viewpoints often expressed in other threads. Women who keep suffering this fate have their pickers broken, or women want men with options, which necessarily means that men who struggle to get second dates have something wrong with them (or are doing something wrong), and are not just victims of bad luck.

    Indeed, if this happens to the OP a few more times, she will likely be told that she should aim for less attractive guys.

    I honestly don’t know what the right way is to resolve this conundrum. “It doesn’t matter why”? Or “you’re probably doing something wrong, but good luck figuring it out because no one will ever tell you what.”

    I do know this though. Some people can have long conversations with anyone. It’s a talent. I don’t have it. If I’m sitting across from someone I’m not interested in, I get bored and work to lead the conversation/evening to a conclusion. I can certainly say I have never talked for hours to a date or potential date if I was not interested. Fact is, some people are not like that. They just aren’t. They ask a ton of questions, they tell stories, they go on and on. When you are on a date, focus on how YOU feel and what YOU want. Don’t try to read the “signs.” You will find out how they feel and what they want soon enough.

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    • Parenting Says:

      Its not necessarily the gift of gab. Havent you ever been on a date and thought there was potential in the moment only to wake up the next morning and decide you arent all that interested after all? Or had a great date with someone you could never date long term? Or been on a great date but then decided to get back together with an ex? There are so many reasons for “great dates” to go nowhere.

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    • Laura Says:

      Obviously, if it’s something that keeps happening and it’s becoming a pattern, it would be wise to reconsider your approach to dating. And while I do think that dating within one’s league is a solid advice per se, I’m not really sure how relevant it is anymore. The whole online dating business with its illusion of limitless choice has made a lot of people unable of gauging their own level of attractivness and accordingly, their expectations. Unless they’re literally supermodel hot, everyone can now be placed in the “Meh. Let’s see what else is there. Next!” column, and it doesn’t matter what the other person looks like.

      Also, even if they have to deal with rejection and flakiness, it still doesn’t mean those people are doing something wrong. They could be, of course, there are many things that people do that can put others off, but that really doesn’t necessarily have to be the case. The bottom line is that you cannot control how attracted others are to you. They could well be genuinely interested in you one moment, and then something happens and the interest is gone, like Parenting said. And it’s something you simply have no control and influence over. That’s why going over and over possible scenarios in your head of what could have possibly gone wrong is totally fruitless.

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      • ? Says:

        People will keep going “over and over in their heads the possible scenarios of what went wrong” for one and only one reason alone. They think or know that the one who got away was someone so desirable and really really hard to come by. Like a winning lottery ticket that you stupidly lost. Either you date within your league if this is even possible anymore, or you improve yourself to the point where lots of people are going to be attracted to you and potential loves are not hard to come by. You don’t care why someone vanished when you’re too busy romancing someone else just as desirable, or even more so.

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      • Eliza Says:

        It’s synonymous to telling a virtual stranger – that he has bad breath! lol. When you go on a first date – it will be with pretty much a stranger…there is no history, therefore, no vested interest in that person…if at the first moment upon attempting to kiss–you are offended by “halitosis”…then what? You actually tell them they need to address that?

        No…you call the night short, say you have an early AM meeting, and then basically not stay in tough, and refrain from having that uncomfortable chat about hygiene. Not sure that was a great analogy?

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  7. Eliza Says:

    I can only speak for myself…but perhaps others that read this will agree and those that are confused will relate to this as well. As we all probably have felt this way, and consequently vanished – after a decent date or even a grand time as a first date or even second. Upon meeting someone, all is new and shiny of course…and you go through the motions of getting to know them…as they are basically a stranger. Which is why I usually don’t find myself comfortable enough to get intimate with someone so soon…I need a little time to gauge if I want to get that close to them, but that’s me. Whoever has a problem with that, can walk…no worries here. Not chasing anyone. At all.
    But have been on some dates, and then went home, and mulled it over…and realized we are not a good fit…it could have nothing to do with “physical attraction”…but more about lifestyle, or that person’s work demands, or anything really that I found a bit off kilter…so with such little time/energy or emotions vested…it’s quite easy to change my mind…and not take it further, or get off ground. Not looking for perfection. But for instance, upon meeting someone recently–I learned – after a long conversation–that they live at home with mom…at the ripe old age of 53! And they also worked 6 days a week, and only off on Mondays! Hell, no…not interested in that scenario. He was too passive for my taste too…very unsure of everything he did, didn’t do…not for me. It takes time to get to know someone. Attraction on the surface only takes you so far…in my opinion. There is more to the package than meets the eye.

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  8. Eliza Says:

    Oh…to add to my long-winded speech…and this is the most important aspect…if after one chance meeting, or even long evening of intense discussion and enjoyable evening no less…if one decides to ultimate pass up on taking things further…there really is no point in letting that other person know why. Who are you to change their demeanor, habits, lifestyle, or everyday demands…you barely know them to point anything out to them. So we all keep our mouths shut, and go onto the next person. I am not going to demand anything, or question why a man at the age of 53 is living at home with momma. All I know is – that those circumstances certainly do not make him appealing. That’s my personal preference too.

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  9. Mark Says:

    Anabelle

    First: as a general rule, if I tried to fathom why a person does/doesn’t do something they say they would do I would go crazy. So I try not to bother. I focus on words that mirror actions. If the two don’t jibe, I hoe that they have a great reason. If not, toss aside.

    As this applies in your instance, IMO you gave too much too soon. Translation: you thought you had a great connection. He knew what buttons to push to make you feel that connection. You two hooked up that very night. Sorry to say, but high likely hood he saw this as little more than a notch on the bedpost.

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    • Eliza Says:

      Thank you Mark…you hit the nail right on the head! Never assume, you make an “ass” out of U & Me. Yes, I have watched too many episodes of The Odd Couple! lol…but it’s true. Don’t merely take words as gospel….sit back and observe actions. Do they coincide? And that’s take more than one sparkling night of ongoing conversation…as funny and engaged a person may “seem”.

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      • Mark Says:

        Felix and Oscar will never be the same (lol). Hopefully with some age/experience comes wisdom.

        For some strange reason some letter truncated. IE should be hope not hoe. Don’t know why, but it seems to happen on this site.

        In any case, I hope Anabelle (if you are reading) does not on the one hand ignore and repeat the pattern. Nor does she go to the other extreme and become uber jaded. There is a happy middle. Though where that is is anyone’s guess. Play it by ear.

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