Comment: Hi. I am back in the dating pool for the first time after finding out I have HSV-2. Putting myself out there on dating sites feels like false advertising. I’m going to meet up with a really interesting guy for the first time next week who has no idea I have herpes. Obviously this isn’t something you put in your dating profile. I would welcome thoughts about this.
I feel like I’ve answered this question numerous times, so I’m going to direct you here to read what I’ve said on the topic of when to tell someone and how.
As for the whole “false advertising” issue, EVERYBODY who has an online dating profile partakes in the act of false advertising. I can assure you that the large majority of online daters have something that they don’t tell you about in their dating profile. Like:
- They’re unemployed
- They have bad credit
- They cheated on their ex
- They’re an alcoholic
- They’re horrible in bed
- They haven’t had a relationship in several years, if at all
Yes, I know. None of these are as bad as the dreaded STD. None of these are things that people might use as a reason to break up with someone or blow them off. Right.
Nobody is morally obligated to reveal the fact that they cheated on their husband or wife. Funny, right? If this issue is morality, then you’d think infidelity trumps sexuality. That’s an adorable mixed message. Alcoholics get to be anonymous. But not someone with herpes.
Here’s what I think. I think people don’t want to know the truth. They want to be told a sanitized version of the truth.
Here’s the really funny thing. How many people would dump their partner if they learned he had cheated on their ex? I bet there’s a ton of people out there who would rationalize that one.
People could manufacture a back story for their past and most of you wouldn’t be the wiser. It’s not the idea that someone might “taint” you or infect you that bothers most people. It’s the idea that their partner with an STD is admitting to a “flaw.” That deprives the person they tell from believing that they got somebody untouched or “better” than other people’s partners.
Everybody, especially someone who has struggled to find a relationship, wants to believe that that person they found is “better” or at least “as good” as everybody else’s.
That desperate girl who couldn’t get past two dates with a guy doesn’t want to know that that dude that she finally got to stick around has actually scared off every other woman with his clinginess or neediness. She wants to believe that she’s the only one with whom he’s fallen for so hard and so fast. Guess what? She’s not. She just didn’t have any better options. Same goes for that guy who needs to believe that he planted that flag on his woman’s vagina and no man has gone there before him. Certainly not on the first date.
We certainly don’t want to acknowledge the real truth. That being that all those times our friends told us we could do better, we actually couldn’t.
If you’re going to have a deal breaker, make it something that is actually going to prevent you from getting hurt in the long run. Like smoking. That could actually kill you. Stop making stupid things up to use as an excuse to dismiss someone. Things like:
I usually don’t date men who don’t dance. It shows that they are not creative, take themselves too seriously and don’t know how to let go. And above all, it gives me an idea of how sensual they are since it is about moving your body and enticing the other person. Plus, if he can lead, it’s a great way for me to surrender to his arms without it being awkward. Men who don’t dance don’t interest me; they sound very boring and sexy at all. – Cricri
And this ridiculous piece of nonsense:
The only thing the OP did wrong was to schedule both dates on weekend. Saturday night for a 1st internet date??? What a waste! Those things should happen on Tuesday-Wednesday. Thursday, Friday and Saturday should be reserved for guys you’ve already gone out with. Scheduling a 1st day on Sat looks kind of desperate actually – shows you don’t have better otions or life. – Downtown Angel
The people who have the most ludicrous of deal breakers are usually the ones most flawed. They’re competing in some imaginary race, running around the track lap after lap and getting absolutely no where.