If He Doesn’t Offer To Pay He’s a Loser

Name: Reality check

Question: I work with television and I went on a date last night with a guy who is a struggling actor. We worked together on a shoot followed by conversations over texts. He asked me out and I met him for a date. We had a nice chilled out time over drinks. We had long conversations related to work, our families, likes, dislikes etc. At the end of the date bill came and he didn’t even try to pay for it. I ended up paying for both of us as i wanted to avoid awkwardness. I don’t mind splitting the bill but he didn’t even offer to pay anything. He seemed to be a nice guy but this not paying at all have been such a turn off. Previously I have had experiences of spending money on my boyfriends without them paying. What should I do, should I meet him again or call it off. Please help I am confused.
Age: 27

There isn’t a guy reading this that feels sorry for you, but that’s neither here nor there.

The first red flag that this guy was broke as fuck was the fact that he was  an actor. I zip right past those SAG/AFTRA guys on Bumble. LOL SAG AND AFTRA. They probably played a waiter with one line on an episode of Girls. Anyway, NO you should not call this loser again. What’s wrong with you that you’re even considering that?

He asked you out, which means he pays. It also means you make a sincere offer to contribute, not just do that fake purse reach garbage.  What he did was uncouth and rude. HOWEVER…now you know how guys feel. Sucks to have some entitled asshole sit across from you and not budge when that billfold gets placed on the table, doesn’t it?

The real issue here is that you’re confused about what to do. Seriously, have we just become accustomed to making excuses for weak men? Nope. Fuck no. If he can’t pay his way tell him to stay home.


Oh, and there’s a new personal post over at my new site.




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18 Responses to “If He Doesn’t Offer To Pay He’s a Loser”

  1. JayD Says:

    This guy might be broke as fuck, which is not a virtue but sometimes people do struggle financially. But for a man who has no shame being a freeloader, especially on a first date with a woman whom he asked out. Don’t even touch this loser with a 10-foot pole.

  2. Nia Says:

    Wow…I agree but I have to say it seems a little extreme to be like DTMFA after one date where he didn’t pay.
    I guess it’s on your priorities. If you’re just looking for something fun and light, maybe next time, text him at the end of the night and see if he wants to grab a nightcap at your/his place.

    I will say I don’t agree with outdated gender standards, but *most* men still follow them or at least expect to go Dutch!!

    Bottom line: it’s never a good idea to go out with someone after you feel they’ve made a Class A Dating Felony Move.

  3. Jessum Says:

    I disagree with the “now you know how guys feel” bit. This happens often in certain circles where the men are the freeloaders. I’ve seen it time and again with arty guys or guys in arty circles. The dude expects the woman to pay or is just an out and out mooch.

  4. Mark Says:

    There is a famous quote my a long gone actor/comedian:

    The most important thing is sincerity. If you can fake that you’ve got it made.
    –George Burns

    General Rule: the party who asks the other out pays. Unless there is an agreement otherwise. That’s why you see so many initial meet and greets for little more than a quick drink or the like.

    Based on your letter this is a guy that you should avoid contact with.


    Not only did he ask you out, but then for all purposes stiffed you. Count yourself lucky that this was early on rather than later.

    Why the quote at the top? Not because you felt a connection. Rather, he led you to believe that you had a connection.

    There is a sweet spot between wearing your heart on your sleeve and being a totally jaded individual. At least when it comes to the dating world. Seems that you might want to find it since you have noted that you seem to have proclivity of spending money on guys you date only to have them not paying.

    Best of luck and hope things improve.

  5. Bostonette Says:


  6. Yvonne Says:

    I think this also goes beyond money. Most men want a woman to think they are doing well in life, they want to make their sure their date has a good time and they want to impress her a bit (or alot). Not offering to at least pay his own share is a red flag and a potential sign that she’ll be footing the bill often, especially if she’s dating a struggling actor.

    I agree with Jessum about this happening sometimes with struggling artists. I definitely have seen these guys hook up with women who had the ability to support them. You rarely see these starving artists hitting on women who are also struggling. Avoid the man who is looking for a meal ticket.

    • chillybeans Says:

      I’d like to add musicians to the broke/cheap AF group, to be avoided as potential free loaders:)
      Ive also noticed of the artistic temperment groups, they act as if what they do is so much better than whatever you do (you know, a boring job with a steady pay check). I’m so over the theatre and music people and all their pretensions.

    • DrivingMeNutes Says:

      I was excited when I read your thesis that it wasn’t just about money only to be disappointed by your conclusion that it is just about money, ie that she will be footing the bill.

      Perhaps the point you were going to make is that his failure to make an effort to impress her is a sign of a flawed character or maybe even lack of interest? Oh nevermind cuz he broke.

      • Yvonne Says:

        If he’s asking her out again, it’s not a sign of lack of interest. Usually, even if there is a lack of interest, a man will at least pay for himself. I think he can have a flawed character and also be looking for a meal ticket.

  7. AnnieNonymous Says:

    Someone who isn’t able to pay for his own beers is someone who’s not ready to date.

    • AAORK Says:

      Looks like your comment is well-received here in the ‘Undateables’ echo chamber (since you don’t apply the requirement equally to women). So where’s the “equality”? BTW, that’s a rhetorical question :) This type of one-sided argument doesn’t play well in the real world but hey, this place is all about escaping that anyways. LOL

      • fuzzilla Says:

        You’re right, someone who can’t pay for 2-3 beers is totally winning at life. And she didn’t mention gender at all, you did. And if it matters, many commenters here are in relationships.

  8. Speed Says:

    Commenters here before have said that they won’t date (X), whether it’s actors, cops, doctors, criminals, whatever. Having worked in media a long time, my bias is against entertainers (defined broadly, to include everything from writers to actors to musicians, fashion designers, etc.).

    The problem is not just being “broke.” Waiters and Walmart workers are often broke or survive on very low incomes. But I don’t think the average Walmart clerk is going to stiff you on a date, because he knows the value of money. For actors, stiffing people is a way of life.

    Moreover, entertainers often have an almost comical level of narcissism, arrogance and entitlement. One line in a soap commercial, and you think you’re Laurence Olivier. There’s also a lot of sordidness and chaos: drugs, scams, personality disorders, soft prostitution–gay and straight, by the way– (“He/she had to date that director just to get a spot”), and so on. That has been my experience, anyway, at the C-level end of the market. Regardless of what Meryl Streep says about her “valiant little band of persecuted creators,” or whatever, I can’t imagine Hollywood itself is much different–just with much more money.

    I also don’t think this is any great secret, though. The OP must have known this at some level. If you are into “creative people,” you have to know what’s on that train. For this actor, his “payment” was his handsome presence in front of the OP (and, again, in my experience, there are far more male “divas” than women) and charisma. He’s no doubt irritated that you weren’t undressed by the end of the date.

    If you don’t want to deal with an actor’s attitude, don’t date actors. Same goes for cops, doctors, i-bankers, or whatever your bias is.

  9. Jessum Says:

    I agree. It’s not just about being ‘broke,’ and it is a character flaw. Men from artistic communities tend to be around women from artistic communities who tend to have feminist views. A lot of these men were also raised by feminist mothers. At the end of it all, dudes like this have been trained to manipulate feminist doctrine. Why? because in this society, little boys are treated like little kings whether or not they grew up with feminism.

    • fuzzilla Says:

      **dudes like this have been trained to manipulate feminist doctrine.**

      Yes! Thank you so much for getting it and not saying, “It’s feminism’s fault that men don’t know how to be men” or some such nonsense.

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