Spoiler Alert: He Just Wants To Get Laid

Name: Bsexbed
Age: 38
State:
Question: I had a first date with a man from a dating site on Friday evening.  Just drinks at a bar in town.  We had exchanged a few fun emails before arranging the date, so there was lots of laughter and joking at the date, and I thought it was going well.

In the middle of a conversation, he said “I think I’m going home alone tonight and having a good sleep” and I nodded.  He said “Is that all you’re going to do?  Nod?”  So I said I wasn’t sure how to respond to his comment, and we both laughed, then asked him what the correct reply was.  He changed the subject.  There was no red flag at the time, as everything  was said in a lighthearted tone.

We discovered that my mother is from the same small town as his father, and he said “Oh my father would be pleased I ended up with a local girl!” which I took to be a lighthearted joke.  We are also both interested in photography, and talked about our projects and exhibitions we have been to recently.

He asked me to accompany him to a gallery on Monday, and I told him that I had plans to go to a dinner party that evening.  He asked me to cancel and go with him  instead, or to get my friend to reschedule her dinner party, and I said it wouldn’t be possible at such short notice, and asked if he was available later in the week, but he changed the subject.

We held hands when he walked me to my car and gave him a hug and a kiss on the cheek.  Before he left, he said it wasn’t too late for him to go back to my place, and I laughed, thinking he was joking, because it was 11:30 and we were both tired.

The next morning he texted to ask if I got home okay and I said yes, then I asked if he slept well, and got no answer.  Later on, I logged into the dating site, and he had copied and pasted an invitation to a special event at the gallery we talked about.  I said “Cool, I’m going!” then he replied and said he wasn’t going to go.

I’m feeling that I’m failing his tests.  I probably didn’t show him the level of physical affection he was expecting.   I’m confused because I always go dutch on dates, so there’s no pressure for the man to get a return on his “investment.”  What’s your take on the situation?

 

This guy wasn’t testing you. He just wasn’t interested beyond a casual hook up. Tests are normally used to determine if there is genuine interest. This guy didn’t care if you were interested or not. He was talking about future dates and making references to how his dad would be excited that he “ended up” with a local girl to give you the impression that he was really into you.

He wasn’t.  He was trying to get laid and he failed. Had you agreed to go to that gallery opening with him when he first asked, I guarantee you that he would have cancelled on you. He was trying to butter you up so you’d feel more comfortable going home with him. By the end of the date, he had exhausted all of his bush league tricks and just came out and asked you to take him home. When you said no it was game over for him. He was done trying. Don’t be fooled by the text the next day asking if you got home safely. That was just him investing in case he ever finds himself out of options.

It’s important to understand that a high percentage of the men that women meet online are just there to get laid. They’re not even looking to casually date someone. They’re looking for a straight-up one night stand. A one and done.  The tell tale sign of such a man? They try to force a false sense of intimacy of familiarity right away.

He asked me to cancel and go with him  instead, or to get my friend to reschedule her dinner party,

Okay. Let’s talk about the level of self-absorption and douchebaggery  someone must possess to ever believe this is an appropriate request. These are the types of things that men do that should immediately make you suspicious of their intentions. This guy that you’ve only met once is so enamored of you that he wants you to cancel your plans or get your friend to reschedule a dinner party just so you could accompany him to a gallery opening? He couldn’t have, I don’t know, asked you out for a different night? He was feigning interest so that you’d be more willing to sleep with him. He’s thinking that, if you believe that a second date was already on the calendar, that you’d let your guard down. Sorry, but how desperate to get laid does a guy have to be to go to such lengths? Is it that hard for him to get some? That alone would have turned me off.

Before he left, he said it wasn’t too late for him to go back to my place, and I laughed, thinking he was joking, because it was 11:30 and we were both tired.

Women should never blame a guy for trying to get her to take him home. That alone does not mean the guy is just looking for a no strings hook up. Don’t automatically assume the guy is a lost cause of he does this. Isolated, this is not a bad sign. Combined with the “we” talk and atypical level of interest before the date is even over, and it doesn’t bode well.

 

Oh, and there’s a new personal post over at my new site.

Thoughts?

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16 Responses to “Spoiler Alert: He Just Wants To Get Laid”

  1. fuzzilla Says:

    **This guy that you’ve only met once is so enamored of you that he wants you to cancel your plans or get your friend to reschedule a dinner party just so you could accompany him to a gallery opening? He couldn’t have, I don’t know, asked you out for a different night?**

    Exactly. The “ask your friend to reschedule her party” thing had me like, “NOPE. EJECT.”

    This dude reminds me of a guy I met slightly before my current BF. He was super affectionate and asking to come over to my place, but then a couple days go by and a, “Well, Tuesday’s not so good but how about Wednesday” (or whatever it was) and he’s all deer in the headlights, “I have no idea what you’re talking about and felt no connection whatsoever” (or something to that effect). If it had been a simple case of nice but no chemistry I wouldn’t have been so pissed or thought anything of it, really. Because most “nice but no chemistry” guys aren’t trying to manipulate you and their actions are consistent.

    The OP seems to have read him pretty well except she’s still blaming herself for “failing his tests” rather than just calling him “a douchebag” and being done with it. I get it, though – it’s so frustrating and confusing when everything seems great and then they pull an about-face like that.

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    • Parenting Says:

      What a duche bag! Both the OPs guy and the one you described. Is this some PUA thing? How much does a guy have to hate women to manipulate a complete stranger in this way?

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 7 Thumb down 3

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      • fuzzilla Says:

        Y’know, I think the OP *was* being tested, as was I. But, “Can I manipulate you into doing whatever I want and then disappear immediately after sex?” is a test you *want* to fail…

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  2. Brad Says:

    What balls on this guy to ask her to ask her friend to reschedule a party for his own benefit. That’s a deal-breaker if I’ve ever seen one. It shows a monumental lack of class and understanding of social norms.

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  3. BTownGirl Says:

    What’s kind of cracking me up is the “did you get home okay?” the NEXT MORNING. You just can’t get more empty gesture than that, because if you hadn’t gotten home okay, what good would a text 12 hours later do? God, this guy is such a tool.

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    • KK Says:

      I was thinking the EXACT SAME thing. Like, he texted the next morning?

      Anyway. I asked a guy out on okcupid and we were scheduled to meet that evening, and then that afternoon he asked me to meet up, I said I couldn’t, he told me to cancel my plans, I said no, and he told me it wasn’t going to work. I actually texted him to clarify what exacrlt “it’s not gonna work means.” He replied that he meant it would never work. And then he texted me again to say how he wasn’t gonna reply to my text at all but he felt it would be cruel otherwise. It was an awesome experience.

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      • fuzzilla Says:

        Yeah, getting all butthurt over totally reasonable scheduling requests is kinda the poker face of a dude who just wants to get laid. “My grandma’s birthday party that’s been planned for over a year is this Friday, but what about Saturday or Sunday?” “OMG, you’re just so high maintenance, this will never work.” Yeah, it’s totally *my* behavior that’s the problem, here… ::eye roll forever::

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      • BTownGirl Says:

        For real, that was a real WTF for me too!! Some people will never get it together to be Emergency Contact Material ;) As for that fool from okcupid, it sounds like he was trying to pull some kind of (deeply sad and pitiful) power-move to make himself look super desirable (he’s not). I’m guessing the idea was for you to be all “Noooo nooooooooo I’ll cancel my plans, just don’t diss me, you alpha stud!” Boy, byyyyyyyye!

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      • Parenting Says:

        Thats hilarious. “Im only making myself available for 2 hours this afternoon and then never again! You just missed your date with destiny! Hope your lunch appointment was worth it.”

        It does sound like these guys are trying to figure out if a woman is deaparate by making her jump through hoops. Acquiesce and they assume you are going to be easy prey.

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        • fuzzilla Says:

          It’s not just that they just wanna get laid, it’s that they just wanna get laid *immediately* and if you don’t deliver, you’re dead to them. It’s really hard to dress that shit up as remotely charming, so the ruse falls apart pretty quick.

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          • Laura Says:

            Yep, that’s what really gets me. I understand wanting to get laid. It doesn’t mean I’ll go along with it, but I get where they’re coming from. But not putting in ANY effort to get it is something I really have zero patience for. Oh, you think you’re such a God’s gift to women that they’re going to ditch absolutely everything they’re doing and have planned and run to see you whenever you feel like it? You’re not.
            Those types should really do everyone a favour and go hire a prostitute.

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            • fuzzilla Says:

              Yeah, it’s like, who’s to say the dude wouldn’t get laid if he just waited out grandma’s birthday party (or whatever). Jesus fucking Christ…

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  4. KK Says:

    This is so weird. I mean, clearly there was no test – this guy just wanted to hook up that night, nothing else. If she’d slept with him, changed her plans for him, the end result would have been the same.

    BUT, let’s suppose this was a test. You would REALLY want a relationship with a guy who’d demand you change your plans for him? I mean, fuck this guy. Seriously.

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  5. mxf Says:

    “Women should never blame a guy for trying to get her to take him home.”

    Sure, but a flat-out request at the end of the night is hardly fantasy stuff. I mean, read the room: if, man or woman, you have to ask someone directly as you’re handing them into a car or cab if you can please come over for some sex, the answer was probably already no. In which case, the asking might just ruin your odds of sex on date 2, or any date 2 at all.

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  6. mamajuju Says:

    This guy gave away his true intentions from the first date.

    “In the middle of a conversation, he said “I think I’m going home alone tonight and having a good sleep” and I nodded. He said “Is that all you’re going to do? Nod?” So I said I wasn’t sure how to respond to his comment, and we both laughed, then asked him what the correct reply was. He changed the subject. There was no red flag at the time, as everything was said in a lighthearted tone.”

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  7. Mark Says:

    “B”

    “I’m feeling that I’m failing his tests. I probably didn’t show him the level of physical affection he was expecting.”

    Yes you failed his tests.

    Here is another way to look at some of the highlights of your letter:

    1) “In the middle of a conversation, he said “I think I’m going home alone tonight and having a good sleep” and I nodded. He said “Is that all you’re going to do?”

    Translation – wanna get laid?

    2) “Oh my father would be pleased I ended up with a local girl!”

    Translation – wanna get laid?

    3) “He asked me to cancel and go with him instead, or to get my friend to reschedule her dinner party….”

    Translation – I think I’m pretty incredible. Blow off your friends party. Oh, btw, wanna get laid?

    4) “Before he left, he said it wasn’t too late for him to go back to my place….”

    Translation – still not too late to get laid.

    Congratulations. You received a perfect score. A zero. But in this case that’s a commendable thing.

    I suppose Johnny Love Sponge will have to look elsewhere for fun and games.

    Gotta wonder. What is it with the sudden rash of letters like this one forwarded to Moxie? Hope it isn’t a trend of some sort.

    Best of luck and hope things improve.

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