How Does She Cut Him Loose?

January 31st, 2017

Break Ups, NEW!, Rebound


Name: StartingOver2017
Question: So, last year my marriage collapsed. My son to be exhusband and I had been together since I was 16. He had been seeing with someone and spending his nights with her for the last year and a half. His cover was he had been working. Our kids even met her. Well now he says he wants to come back, but he’s not ready…

He is a horrible ass. But he’s the father of my children. He lives with her, but I’m trying to make it clear my door won’t be open for very long. Sometimes I tell him I’ll never take him back, but since I started dating its like I miss him more. Ugh!!!

I don’t want to miss him. He deserves so much worse. I would have loved that stupid man til my dying day.

Now I’m dating a guy who has Red flags all over of crazy shade. I think he’s doing drugs or dealing drugs. But I’m not sure. When I first met him he was amazing. We’ve got a lot of similar interests. He’s not the first guy I’ve dated since my marriage went south, but I don’t even know how to break up with him. He’s been telling me that in 6 months he wants to move in…that is not happening at all.

We’ve only been seeing each other for a month. He’s great in bed, but I’ve seriously got to let him go. Here already said the L word and I said it back. That was before I had realized he was shady, now I just want out. How do I break it off???

Oh, and crazy committal new bf had told me if I break up with him he doesn’t think he’ll ever meet anyone else. Ugh…he lays on the pressure and the flattery real thick. I just don’t have any experience with this, but I have to cut him loose….
Age: 26


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21 Responses to “How Does She Cut Him Loose?”

  1. Bethany Says:

    This woman needs to just be single for a while! No need to jump into anything new and especially not with some guy that’s laying it on way too thick.

  2. fuzzilla Says:

    **I think he’s doing drugs or dealing drugs. But I’m not sure.**

    Okay, I assume you wouldn’t say this for no reason, but *why* do you think this (but are not sure)? This reminds me of another recent letter where someone described her ex- as bad news but didn’t give any concrete examples of specific behavior illustrating *why* he was bad news.

    I ask because if you’ve ever been treated badly or have any kind of baggage, you tend to train yourself to look for the negative that may not actually be there (signs that they don’t really love you, are hung up on someone else, etc.). You want to trust the new person, but you don’t wanna be fooled again. You wanna be ahead of the game and already packing your bags if you see the train heading to You’re A Foolsville, and you want this so bad that sometimes you jump the gun and act on those impulses without good reason. Since the OP has kids, maybe she extra-super feels this way out of concern for their safety (which is a good thing).

    I dunno, maybe I’m just a nosy asshole and/or maybe stories with holes in them make for frustrating and unsatisfying narratives.

    BUT let’s say he is shady. I think the OP is keeping him around to safeguard herself against her feelings for her ex- and “compete” with the ex-, since the ex- has a new girlfriend. As for what to do, she should dump the new guy if she has suspicions and knows she doesn’t feel the same way.

    If her question is not if but how to dump the new guy…say “I’m not in a good place to date” (which is actually true).

    I dated someone who wanted to move in with me really quick, and I cut that off pretty fast (not just for that reason). Someone who moves super fast has motives beyond thinking you’re so awesome and/or they just have kind of immature ideas of how relationships work. There are couples who moved through the “couple milestones” quickly and are very happy, but in those cases no one tends to feel pressured, it’s more like, “It seemed so crazy, but I just knew it was right.”

    • KK Says:

      Where are the holes hete? You are right that it is possible she is looking fir oroblens where there are none. Ut is also possible that after her narriage ended so badly she isnt deluding herself about idiot guys. He wants to move in in 6 months when they have been togwther for 1 month and she has 2 kids? How is that anything but shady?

      • fuzzilla Says:

        The holes are that she doesn’t provide a strong case that he’s doing/dealing drugs. That’s where I think she might be looking for problems where there aren’t any. I’m not saying there aren’t any problems, just maybe not that specific one. Why would she make it up? Because she’s trained herself to look for problems. Because she doesn’t think just not wanting to be with him is a good enough reason to dump him so she has to latch onto something else.

        But it could be true, and there are for sure real problems and good reasons to dump him, either way.

        • fuzzilla Says:

          I could be projecting my own experiences a bit, but I still stand by what I said.

          If someone has wronged me and I complain about it, I do expect to be cross examined about the veracity of my statements (which isn’t cool, but that’s been my experience). I am generally more than happy to write you a detailed, bullet pointed essay about that kind of thing…but I suppose the better the job I do of portraying someone as an asshat, the less people will think of me if I *don’t* dump the guy, so I might keep it close to the chest if I’m kind of embarrassed or ambivalent (as the OP may be).

  3. UWSGal Says:

    The style and grammar (and the content) of this letter suggest somewhat challenged background of the letter writer. The best thing she can do is to stay single for a while and focus on being a good mother to her kids so that they do better in life. This includes not bringing shady boyfriends into their lives.

  4. Yvonne Says:

    If you got together with your ex-husband at 16 and you are only 26, than you’ve never been on your own, and you already have at least 2 kids. You say you don’t want to miss your husband, yet you are dating a guy you think is dealing/using drugs, etc. You also say that your husband wants to come back, even though he’s still living with his girlfriend.

    You are not ready to date. Spend some time on your own and figure out who you are and what you want. Your young kids are already experiencing their parents’ break up and they’ve met the new woman in their father’s life. That’s a lot of upheaval in their young lives.

    Btw, many addicts have personality disorders that set the stage for addiction. And often people with personality disorders want to rush into relationships (it’s called “love bombing”). If it doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t.

    • fuzzilla Says:

      Yeah, she definitely seems very afraid to be alone. Like, why isn’t just the fact that she wants to dump this guy a good enough reason to do it?

    • KK Says:

      Many addicts do not have personality disorders. Very few do. The issue is that many people with addiction also have other mental health issues. A lot of people self nedicate. And also, people with personality disorders do not rush into relationships – only 2 of the personality disirders. And love bombing is not a thing. That is pop psychology and sonetines raging insecure assholea do it too.

      • Nia Says:

        I think in this case, Fuzilla is using “love bombing” loosely. She means “this person is calling me a lot, saying he loves me, calling me a cute pet name, and otherwise acting out of proportion to the actual relationship in a positive way, for a purpose: to get the “me” to lower my guard and let him into my life, where he can gain control and let the real him (the scary, druggie, red flaggy guy) out”. She doesn’t mean this guy is some cult mastermind.
        When damaged, borderline people meet someone new and shiny, they often become the ‘perfect’ BF or GF: loving, always available, very giving sexually, complimentary, a perfect mirror for your ideas and desires. You love reading? So do they! You love Italian food? Mama mia, bring it on! And so on.
        I have been IN those relationships, where the guy is too good to be true.
        It’s not made up. It may be an exaggeration to call it love bombing, but someone damaged treating you like a princess to hide their flaws, hoping you’ll get hooked hard and fast and be reluctant to give them up once the real them gets out? It’s real. Exhibit A: The OP “How do I break up with him?!?!”

        • Yvonne Says:

          Actually, I’m the one who mentioned “love bombing”. It was a term that came up repeatedly when I began to read about personality disorders, and it was used by psychologists, psychiatrists, and lay people alike. I also experienced it first-hand with someone I dated who I suspected was a narcissist, which led me to doing the research.

          From a website on alcoholism: “Depending on the people studied, there is a 50% to 75% chance that a drug or alcohol addict will also suffer from one or more personality disorders.” And from the National Institute on Drug Abuse: “Recent epidemiologic studies have shown that between 30 percent and 60 percent of drug abusers have concurrent mental health diagnoses including personality disorders, major depression, schizophrenia, and bipolar disorder.” Of course, a personality disorder is a mental illness, and people with those issues often self-medicate.

          • Yvonne Says:

            Also, even when the actual term “love bombing” was not used, that type of behavior was almost always mentioned.

  5. KK Says:

    You should definitely try being single for awhile. As for HOW to break it off, go to a neitral place and tell him.that whike you think he is a great guy you do not think you are a good match for the long run. If you are worried, ask a friend to wait outside for you. Make sure it is in a public space. Aaand actually if it has been a month you could probably do it by phone

    • UWSGal Says:

      I think in this case “how” is not about the logistics. It’s about “omg how could i dump him if he already said he loves me”. The OP needs to realize that just because somebody said they loved her, she doesn’t owe them shit. And it may not even be true, but even if it was – so what. She should still dump him.

  6. Parenting Says:

    Really? “Hi druggy guy, its not you its me. My ex and I are getting back together for the kids. Im sorry, bye.” I’d do it over the phone since you are emotionally culnerable and he is manipulative. Then of course, DO NOT get back together with the ex.” If your family lives near by, spend more time with them and your friends.

    The fact that you are deciding between a druggy and a lying cheating ex should tell you that there are red flags all over the place with YOU! Spend some time getting your head together and stop jumping into relationships.

  7. wishing u well Says:

    1. Finish divorcing the husband who no longer respects or loves you in a healthy, mutually beneficial way.
    2. Go to therapy to help with processing this major life shift. Find a good one and commit to seeing this through.
    3. Stop dating for now. Too many moving pieces and you need to finish putting yourself together in a new way.

    • wishing u well Says:

      4. Make a point to celebrate yourself continually in some way. Be it large or small: start treating yourself well, doing nice things for you, and putting yourself higher on the priority list in a big way.

      These life changes are never easy, but I wish you well. You can do this! Starting afresh is the road unknown but definitely worth the journey.

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