Is He Invested In You Or Just Investing?

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Name: Stephanie
Age: 22
State: Florida
Question: So, I’ve been dating this guy for 6 months now and I still can’t tell if He is serious about our relationship or sees it going anywhere in the future. I didn’t worry about it until the other night when I was driving him home. He had a little too much to drink and somehow we got on the topic of our relationship. He was giving excuses like “Well we’re not serious. My ex and I were serious, but we aren’t serious.” Then he proceeded to say things like “You’re going to marry someone great and have a great life!” So I’m just confused. Is 6 months not serious? Or is this just a convenient relationship where I’m too invested and he doesn’t really care? It’s weird because I’ve met his family, coworkers and I’m even flying up with him to his family members wedding. I feel like he wouldn’t go through all of that trouble to travel with me like that if we weren’t remotely serious. I’m just so confused about the relationship at this point, I don’t know if I’m wasting my time and feelings or not.

 

 

He had a little too much to drink and somehow we got on the topic of our relationship. He was giving excuses like “Well we’re not serious. My ex and I were serious, but we aren’t serious.”

Well, let’s first address your claim that you “somehow” got on to the topic of your relationship. Conversations like that don’t just pop up. If they do, there is always an opportunity to steer the discussion another way. Especially if someone has had too much to drink. I don’ think I need to explain to you why having any kind of serious discussion while someone has been drinking is a bad idea. You’re trying to make it as though his comments came out of left field. You’re describing his responses as “excuses” but you’re not providing context. It sounds to me like you were prodding him a bit and trying to lead him into a conversation. And look what you got. Honesty. You know, that thing women say they want so badly?

He has told you how he views the relationship. Tipsy or not, he’s now told you where he stands. The whys and the back story are irrelevant. He’s not serious about you. He’s telegraphing that to you.

On a similar note, let’s address this story….

I met a new guy barely 3 weeks ago and he came on to me like a steam roller. The caveat is he’s a divorcee still in negotiations with his ex regarding their huge home. Yeah, he’s loaded and likes to show it. He sounds like a douche, I know, but the truth is he has a big heart and just seems like a guy who wants a partner after being single for a few years. I’ve set parameters with him and let him know his financial situation is NOT my business. I also let him know I like him as as a friend and I’m usually celibate until I fall deeply in love. So there’s no time limit but I can’t do the casual, FWB thing. I know me and that doesn’t turn me on one bit. He appears to like the fact I stand up for myself and don’t fit the typical single mom stereotype. He has backed off on wanting to spend time with my kids or letting me meet his. He knows I’m not going to be that fool rushing in just because he’s definitely considered a catch. I met him through mutual acquaintances and he’s known for being a stand-up guy. We get along, have fun doing stuff around town and I go home alone. I told him we could take a trip (he’s offered to go away on my birthday next week) after a couple of months. I’ve seen where he’s living and met a few of his friends. I do know men with personality disorders like to move FAST to confuse you, so I’m good with slowing it down. I refuse to get sucked in too fast, which makes it harder to walk away if something off happens…..And as far as taking a trip and having or not having sex, I don’t think I said I would absolutely NOT if you read what I wrote. I said I don’t have casual sex. So, obviously, if we’re taking a trip we are fairly serious. I’ll cross that bridge when I get there and if he’s not okay with it, we won’t go away together. Really, it’s simple. Stop making this harder than it is. I’m happy, he’s happy and I don’t care if other people take offense to my stance. It works for me and it’s why I’m NOT single. – Sunshine

Just because he agreed to travel with you at some point down the road doesn’t mean that he means it. He’s investing. He’s saying the right things to grease the wheels. This isn’t necessarily deceptive or dishonest. This is diplomacy. People – men and women – can agree to go to a wedding “next month” even if they aren’t really sure they’ll be in the picture in 4 weeks. We agree to or say such things because it keeps the peace. As an aside, a man who respects your boundaries doesn’t push the issue by inviting you away for a overnight/weekend trip. That’s the opposite of respecting your boundaries. Just FYI. Like you, in reference to the trip he agreed to take in a couple of months, he’s thinking that he’ll cross that bridge when and if he comes to it.

Now, back to the OP.

I feel like he wouldn’t go through all of that trouble to travel with me like that if we weren’t remotely serious.

This is the crucial error in analysis that many women make that ends up leading them down the rabbit hole. They equate the amount of money spent or effort/promises made with how interested a man is. Most men will do and spend whatever if they have the means to do so and they want to. A man could date a woman for a year, see her three times a week, meet her friends and still not want a serious commitment. He could even agree to exclusivity and still not see long term potential in a woman. He’ll even stop sleeping with other people. All he offers is a promise. If it works for him in that moment, he’ll go with it. Only when it begins to encroach upon his life, time, schedule or urges will he speak up. He may have uttered some words and agreed to focus only on you. But you will never know what is in his heart or his head. Don’t confuse a willingness to travel or his choice to spend his money as a true sacrifice.

I will say this again…it means nothing until it means everything.

There are men out there who will spends hundreds of dollars to fly to another state to meet a woman they met online. That doesn’t mean he’s genuinely interested. It means he has the money and time to do so.  It doesn’t mean he’s not interested, either. My point is that it’s not good to assume a man’s level of investment by how much he invests or by promises he makes early in the game.

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17 Responses to “Is He Invested In You Or Just Investing?”

  1. UWSGal Says:

    Well as they say a drunk mind speaks a sober heart. She has her answer. The guy is not serious about her. Unless she has mental capacity to enjoy this ride while it lasts (assuming he’s paying for her trips and dinners and stuff..) she should probably dump him to save herself some near-term heartache.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 12 Thumb down 0

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  2. Nia Says:

    Women want *transparency* which is not quite the same as honesty.

    Honesty is more of a moral issue, in my mind. Like, an honest man doesn’t steal, cheat, or lie. That’s a baseline. That’s what many people feel is a dealbreaker—consistent dishonesty.

    But what I, and tens of thousands of women want, is *more* than “honesty”, the baseline “good person” honesty. We want someone to think through their wishes and hopes and desires and weigh the pros and cons and say something like “I’m not sure what I want, but I’m loving spending time with you and I want to see where it goes. Is that okay?” rather than some mumbo jumbo about “you’re going to meet a great guy and get married” (from which we must *still* extrapolate! “Oh, he’s not serious. Okay.”)

    Women want a man to be upfront. Be complete. Be clear. Be direct. Be careful and thorough in their statements. To take ownership of their emotions and desires. To say things *as they’re occurring or very close to it*. To keep their GF or significant other *in the loop* about daily lives, activities, and thoughts.

    Women, myself included, want to feel that they know almost all there is to know about their guy. That they wouldn’t be caught flat footed and blank-eyed when someone asks “Didn’t you know Greg was into guns? He visits the shooting range at least once a month!”

    They don’t need an unfiltered stream of every little thought, which is what many men seem to think is “honesty”, but they don’t want to be blindsided by a statement like “it’s not serious” 6 friggin’ months into something!

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 11 Thumb down 9

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    • Yvonne Says:

      In my experience, saying something like “I’m not sure what I want, but I’m loving spending time with you and I want to see where it goes” IS “mumbo jumbo”, the kind of thing a man says when he wants to keep a woman hanging on while he buys himself some time. “You’re going to meet a great guy and get married” IS direct and to the point. It might not be pleasant to hear, but it’s upfront, and you’ve been warned.

      Sometimes a man won’t bring up the subject of commitment unless a woman brings it up first, especially if he isn’t totally feeling it. He doesn’t want to rock the boat.

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      • Nia Says:

        That’s true, I guess it depends on how you look at it. I guess my issue is more with guys who don’t say anything or who have to be prodded to say something, and then they say indirect things like “you’re going to meet someone else” (um, we’re breaking up then?!?)

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 3

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        • Parenting Says:

          You’re not breaking up. You are just being informed that you are nothing more than a friend/placeholder and he does not want to be responsible for your unmet expectations and hurt feelings when at some point down the road he says, “hey babe, I’m moving to Seattle for my dream job. Its been fun.”

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      • Beta Male Says:

        If saying “I’m not sure what I want, but I’m loving spending time with you and I want to see where it goes” actually worked then more people would actually say it. It probably is how most people in relationships really feel until they don’t.

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        • fuzzilla Says:

          **“I’m not sure what I want, but I’m loving spending time with you and I want to see where it goes”**

          I could see that being a genuine, no b.s. answer if the relationship were very new, but six months in? “I’m not sure what I want” could mean, “I know I never want much with you, though” or it could mean, “The last relationship blew up in my face, so let’s take it slow” or whatever.

          Point being, that’s an answer that has a very short shelf life of plausibility.

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          • Bill Says:

            When you’re 22, just about everything has a very short shelf life.

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            • fuzzilla Says:

              I could see it being a plausible answer if someone is still getting to know you and/or still feeling out being in a relationship. Not much wiggle room for it to not be just an empty line, though.

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    • Eliza Says:

      If someone told me “you are going to meet a great guy someday”…I would not bother flying anywhere to meet his friends or family…whether it was on his dime or not. Nope…my times is valuable…and so are my emotions.
      That’s enough transparency for me! lol

      Buy bye. I will focus my energy on that “great guy”.

      What a dumbass thing to say….to his defense, he was drunk. So be it.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 9 Thumb down 0

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  3. Yvonne Says:

    He has told you point-blank that you are not serious. Anyone who tells you, after 6 months, that you are going to marry someone else knows that he has no plans to marry you. I might have thought that because of your young age, your boyfriend may not have plans to marry ANYONE for the foreseeable future. However, he also made a point of telling you that he was in a serious relationship with his ex, so he’s capable of that.

    Right now, he enjoys your company and you have fun together. You’re young, and you could certainly give it a few more months if you want to. But because this guy has been so direct, I would be hesitant to do that.

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    • Selena Says:

      Very much agree with Yvonne.

      From the Letter:
      “He was giving excuses like “Well we’re not serious. My ex and I were serious, but we aren’t serious.”

      You WANT to believe that was an excuse. Understand he was telling you he doesn’t feel serious about you and because he WAS serious about someone else, he knows the difference.

      This is the huge red flag, alarm bells, all of it. You would be wise to pay attention and guard your heart accordingly.

      Does the concept REBOUND apply here?

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 9 Thumb down 1

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  4. Parenting Says:

    So true! Hell some men will date you exclusively and even live with you for years while having zero intention of ever marrying you or committing to any semblence of permanence.

    “You’re going to marry someone great”? Umh, no. Uh uh. That would have been the last time he saw my butt.

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    • KK Says:

      Please. Some people will MARRY YOU with no ibtention of truly committing. Some people will marry and then meet someone more right for them. Marriage means nothing, it is the ibtention behind the action that counts. And we cant know that ubtil we see subsequent actions.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 1

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  5. Nia Says:

    Side note: I hate when men go into Oprah mode when that’s really a three card monty to hide the breakup card. “You’re soooo amazing! You’re going to find a GREAT guy! You’re going to make him so happy!” Well, fine. But that’s not what I want: what I wanted was to be serious with YOU, buddy. Don’t pee on my leg and tell me it’s raining!

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 13 Thumb down 5

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  6. DrivingMeNutes Says:

    Next up for discussion. He said “hi, how are you?” Does that mean he really cares about me? He texted “TTYL” but I didn’t talk to him later. Should I be concerned?

    Reading and listening “between the lines” is a basic adult skill. People should not need this much handholding. No one cares how you’d prefer to be dumped, least of all the person dumping you.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 2

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