Question: So, I’ve been dating this guy for 6 months now and I still can’t tell if He is serious about our relationship or sees it going anywhere in the future. I didn’t worry about it until the other night when I was driving him home. He had a little too much to drink and somehow we got on the topic of our relationship. He was giving excuses like “Well we’re not serious. My ex and I were serious, but we aren’t serious.” Then he proceeded to say things like “You’re going to marry someone great and have a great life!” So I’m just confused. Is 6 months not serious? Or is this just a convenient relationship where I’m too invested and he doesn’t really care? It’s weird because I’ve met his family, coworkers and I’m even flying up with him to his family members wedding. I feel like he wouldn’t go through all of that trouble to travel with me like that if we weren’t remotely serious. I’m just so confused about the relationship at this point, I don’t know if I’m wasting my time and feelings or not.
He had a little too much to drink and somehow we got on the topic of our relationship. He was giving excuses like “Well we’re not serious. My ex and I were serious, but we aren’t serious.”
Well, let’s first address your claim that you “somehow” got on to the topic of your relationship. Conversations like that don’t just pop up. If they do, there is always an opportunity to steer the discussion another way. Especially if someone has had too much to drink. I don’ think I need to explain to you why having any kind of serious discussion while someone has been drinking is a bad idea. You’re trying to make it as though his comments came out of left field. You’re describing his responses as “excuses” but you’re not providing context. It sounds to me like you were prodding him a bit and trying to lead him into a conversation. And look what you got. Honesty. You know, that thing women say they want so badly?
He has told you how he views the relationship. Tipsy or not, he’s now told you where he stands. The whys and the back story are irrelevant. He’s not serious about you. He’s telegraphing that to you.
On a similar note, let’s address this story….
I met a new guy barely 3 weeks ago and he came on to me like a steam roller. The caveat is he’s a divorcee still in negotiations with his ex regarding their huge home. Yeah, he’s loaded and likes to show it. He sounds like a douche, I know, but the truth is he has a big heart and just seems like a guy who wants a partner after being single for a few years. I’ve set parameters with him and let him know his financial situation is NOT my business. I also let him know I like him as as a friend and I’m usually celibate until I fall deeply in love. So there’s no time limit but I can’t do the casual, FWB thing. I know me and that doesn’t turn me on one bit. He appears to like the fact I stand up for myself and don’t fit the typical single mom stereotype. He has backed off on wanting to spend time with my kids or letting me meet his. He knows I’m not going to be that fool rushing in just because he’s definitely considered a catch. I met him through mutual acquaintances and he’s known for being a stand-up guy. We get along, have fun doing stuff around town and I go home alone. I told him we could take a trip (he’s offered to go away on my birthday next week) after a couple of months. I’ve seen where he’s living and met a few of his friends. I do know men with personality disorders like to move FAST to confuse you, so I’m good with slowing it down. I refuse to get sucked in too fast, which makes it harder to walk away if something off happens…..And as far as taking a trip and having or not having sex, I don’t think I said I would absolutely NOT if you read what I wrote. I said I don’t have casual sex. So, obviously, if we’re taking a trip we are fairly serious. I’ll cross that bridge when I get there and if he’s not okay with it, we won’t go away together. Really, it’s simple. Stop making this harder than it is. I’m happy, he’s happy and I don’t care if other people take offense to my stance. It works for me and it’s why I’m NOT single. – Sunshine
Just because he agreed to travel with you at some point down the road doesn’t mean that he means it. He’s investing. He’s saying the right things to grease the wheels. This isn’t necessarily deceptive or dishonest. This is diplomacy. People – men and women – can agree to go to a wedding “next month” even if they aren’t really sure they’ll be in the picture in 4 weeks. We agree to or say such things because it keeps the peace. As an aside, a man who respects your boundaries doesn’t push the issue by inviting you away for a overnight/weekend trip. That’s the opposite of respecting your boundaries. Just FYI. Like you, in reference to the trip he agreed to take in a couple of months, he’s thinking that he’ll cross that bridge when and if he comes to it.
Now, back to the OP.
I feel like he wouldn’t go through all of that trouble to travel with me like that if we weren’t remotely serious.
This is the crucial error in analysis that many women make that ends up leading them down the rabbit hole. They equate the amount of money spent or effort/promises made with how interested a man is. Most men will do and spend whatever if they have the means to do so and they want to. A man could date a woman for a year, see her three times a week, meet her friends and still not want a serious commitment. He could even agree to exclusivity and still not see long term potential in a woman. He’ll even stop sleeping with other people. All he offers is a promise. If it works for him in that moment, he’ll go with it. Only when it begins to encroach upon his life, time, schedule or urges will he speak up. He may have uttered some words and agreed to focus only on you. But you will never know what is in his heart or his head. Don’t confuse a willingness to travel or his choice to spend his money as a true sacrifice.
I will say this again…it means nothing until it means everything.
There are men out there who will spends hundreds of dollars to fly to another state to meet a woman they met online. That doesn’t mean he’s genuinely interested. It means he has the money and time to do so. It doesn’t mean he’s not interested, either. My point is that it’s not good to assume a man’s level of investment by how much he invests or by promises he makes early in the game.