Is He Doomed To Be Single Forever?

February 8th, 2017

Flirting, Happy & Healthy, NEW!

shyguy2

 

Name: Jason
:
Question: I am an attractive guy, the tall, dark and handsome type but I dont have social skills. Growing up with a friend who dominated all conversation with the greatest of ease, which made me more self conscious about my lack of ability to talk to people. I know people want to have sex with me because I have been offered sex from all types of men and women and even a female cousin but all were rejected. [Editor’s note: what’s that now?]

Despite my lack of social skills I did manage to stumble blindly into four, very short, relationships which none lasted longer then 4 weeks, all the relationships were ended by me. Now I am worse off when I talk to people in public and I just have a sick feeling in my stomach that I will end up alone, not because I cant attract a girl but because I am incapable of having a long term relationship.
Age: 32

 

There’s a guy who attends our events. He’s a regular customer. There must be upward of fifty registrations from him in our database over the last two years alone. I met him well over a decade ago at a speeddating event I was running. Some people might look at this guy and think, “Jeeze, what’s his problem?” When I see that he’s signed up for another event I think, “God Bless him. He’s not giving up.”

The first bit of advice I would give you is not to give up. You have to keep at it. Here’s something pretty neat that I realized only recently:  the dating scene is such that every day holds a nee possibility for matching up with someone.  Look, I’m down on dating, too. But it occurred to me a few weeks ago that I can go from having no matches on Tinder or OKC to getting four or five a day or two later.

You’ve decided that you’re too much of  a freak to ever find anyone. I think that way, too. But you know what? I guarantee you that there’s someone else out there who feels the exact same way. A lack of relationship experience is far more common than you think, especially nowadays, thanks to technology. It’s not easy anymore, for anyone.

Forget about finding a partner. You need to sharpen your social skills.  That’s your priority. Go to Meetup.com and join some groups, then attend some of their get-togethers. Don’t obsess about making a romantic connection. Just go looking to meet new people. The other must for you is to find a good therapist and talk through why you have so much trouble connecting with people. There could be more going on than you realize. You very well might suffer from social anxiety or  a panic disorder. Don’t just let it go, thinking you’re just some weirdo. Find a professional who can help you connect the dots and untangle the wires.

One of my bigger fears of late is whether or not I’m capable of maintaining a long-term relationship. Am I too damaged? Too broken? Is it too late? But then my cat got sick. What I wanted to do was sit and hope he’d just get better. The last thing I wanted to do was take him to a doctor and have the doctor tell me something was wrong. But I did. I faced the fear gurgling in my stomach and took him to the vet. And, as I suspected, something was wrong.  The doctor found  a nodule in his neck. My cat was diagnosed with hyperthyroid and put on medication. I have a feeling he’s going to need surgery.

I am utterly terrified but I will do whatever it takes to keep him with me for as long as possible. That’s love: putting your needs and fears aside for the better of someone else.  I know what needs to be done and I do it because his comfort matters more than mine.

So, I am capable of loving someone. I bet you are, too. Acknowledge that, because it’s important.  Maybe there’s a disorder at work. You’re not alone there. Anxiety, depression, panic…these are all very common. A doctor might suggest meds to help you be more calm in social situations. There are all kinds of answers for you out there, you just have to go find them.

The one thing you can’t do is walk around thinking there’s something wrong with you. Trust me. I’ve done that for the better part of my adult life. And you know what? There is something “wrong” with me – I have attachment issues –  but they’re something I can improve upon. I might not ever be able to fix the problem, but I can face it head on and find a workaround. But I will never overcome the challenges I face for being a dismissive avoidant type if I feed into the belief that I am broken beyond repair.  You can not let that kind of thinking inform the rest of your life, because it will if you let it.

Thoughts?

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15 Responses to “Is He Doomed To Be Single Forever?”

  1. Tao-dude Says:

    I really identify with this post. I’m 52 and single (not because I want to be). 32 is a young person with a lot of time to me. I’ve had a lot of relationships (some weeks, some many years), but never met that special person.

    I just keep improving myself (stay in good shape, got my masters, meditation and so on).

    Dating does suck. I’ve thought I found someone many times and always put my heart into all relationships i try to start but many times in short order behavior emerges or incompatibilities and its back to the start. The world is troubled and its hard to get along with people.

    App Best dating has its ups and downs . While you can get a new match anytime people are very picky and as you say Moxie overestimate what the they can attract then unmatch quickly and also As you’ve said everybody sucks on some level. People probably dump people quicker too.

    Ultimately whether we have someone or not we come into this world alone and leave alone. Even the The best relationship will end so the solution is we must love ourselves .

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 15 Thumb down 1

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  2. D. Says:

    Best advice I can offer to the OP:

    Adopt an approach to dating where you are dating for the purpose of nothing more than going on a date. Go date for the enjoyment of dating itself, or to work on having more fun while dating. Forget about the end result of finding someone. Just focus on the date.

    You can’t approach dating from the perspective of trying to find a partner or a girlfriend or whatever. That way lies madness. Odds are when you go on a date, you’re not going to meet the great love of your life, or even your next semi-long-term partner. Most of the time, this will just be a person you went out with once, maybe a couple of times, and then it’ll fizzle or blow up for any number of reasons. That’s just the nature of dating, and it happens to everyone except people who literally go from relationship to relationship — which has its own problems, by the way.

    So, instead, look at dating as an opportunity to just have a nice night out. And figure that even if the evening is total crap, at least you’ll probably get a good story out of it. I found that when I had that attitude, I was actually at my most successful because (a) I was a lot more relaxed in how I carried myself (and therefore more attractive to other people because I wasn’t giving off a clingy/too intense/lacking-confidence vibe), and (b) I was enjoying myself a lot more because every date felt at least marginally successful — even the bad ones. It was all, at least, entertaining.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 16 Thumb down 1

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    • KK Says:

      I agree completely about forgetting dating for the purpose of finding a relationship. That is draining.
      However, dating as fun? I think it is more realistic to view it as an opportunity to meet someone new. Worst case? They are boring. When you view dating like that it majes dating bearable.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 2

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      • fuzzilla Says:

        Well, at least *trying* to have fun is a good goal to have. Like, “Hey, I’m gonna get dressed up, I’m gonna check out a new bar/restaurant, and there at least exists the possibility of finding happiness or fun, as opposed to just siting on the couch.”

        But not being too attached to the outcome of the date is I think the main takeaway.

        Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 10 Thumb down 3

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        • mxf Says:

          I agree with you, although I think sitting on the couch is also pretty fun.

          The only moment I have to say I consistently dislike on a date is arriving at the venue, either being the first one there and having to watch all the people wandering around, or being the second one there and having to do the wandering around to find your date.

          The rest is usually at least fun-adjacent.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 1

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  3. Parenting Says:

    You had a friend who dominated conversations as a child so now you cant talk to people at the age of 32? I highly doubt that you were so irreparably damaged by a gregarious friend that your life is now ruined. You just have social issues. Maybe you have some aspergers. Who knows?! Step one is to accept that you have a problem and not blame others for it. Step 2 is to actively address the problem. I think social meetups are good but maybe some therapy would help too.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 15 Thumb down 4

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  4. Dan Says:

    I was thinking Asperger’s Syndrome, too. There are online tests he can take to rule that out if it’s not an issue, or give him a clue if it is. There are support groups specifically for that, but, if that’s not the problem, I think group therapy is a good place to go. It’s much cheaper than one-on-one therapy and specifically designed to help people with problems relating to other people. He can find a certified group therapist at agpa.org.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 9 Thumb down 0

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  5. Nia Says:

    Here’s a “important key” (TM DJ Khaled):

    Women aren’t a monolith. If you have any friends, you can talk to women. If you can talk to store clerks, family, coworkers, or male friends, you can talk to women.

    Women are just humans! They don’t have this complex, un-knowable set of topics they like to discuss. Some like deep conversation, some are okay with small talk.

    If you’d like to get to know women better, consume media created by women. TV shows. Books. Movies. Comics. Podcasts. If you need suggestions, I got ‘em.

    Books:
    The Second Sex
    The Women’s Room
    Feminine Mystique
    Sexual Persona
    …and the books of Margaret Atwood, to begin with. Or join Goodreads and see what women readers are reading that piques your taste.

    Movies:
    Always Shine
    Kate plays Christine
    20th Century Woman
    Concussion (2014)
    The Fits
    Lemonade

    Comics:
    LadyKiller
    FunHome

    TV shows:
    Insecure
    Girls
    Jessica Jones
    UnReal
    Crazy Ex Girlfriend
    Catastrophe

    …and so many more! Simple Google or Bing search should turn up hundreds in each category

    If the thought of doing so turns your stomach or seems “weird”….how is it not weird for women to consume media made by/for/about men and not the opposite?

    Conceive of and treat women like fully realized, individual people. That will go a LONG way towards making women want to date you, not just have sex with you while saying “shhhh…no need to talk” :P

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 4 Thumb down 7

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    • fuzzilla Says:

      I’m not really picking up that he has issues with women in particular, more problems with social anxiety and emotional intimacy.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 0

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      • Nia Says:

        Fair point. I guess I read into it that it was more “how do I talk to women” than “I can’t talk to anyone”.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 1

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        • sarah Says:

          Meh. I don’t know that you’re reaching here, Nia. I got a similar vibe. OP says he’s awkward in general, but says only that the problem is he’s too awkward for women.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

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          • fuzzilla Says:

            Of course we’re only seeing a small window into his world, but there are many, many male LWs/commenters just seething with anger and bitterness toward women, and I didn’t pick that up at all here. I suppose maybe there’s a “women are these strange, unknowable creatures” thing goin’ on.

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  6. Speed Says:

    “The only way to find out whether you can do something is to do it.” –Tony Robbins

    SoI agree with other commenters that socialization (Meetups, etc.) will be very helpful. I also recommend speed dating over online dating at this stage. Online dating is a furnace. But speed dating allows you to dialogue with a variety of women, getting comfortable socializing with them, learning from your mistakes, and so on. Fundamentally, it allows you to pack a huge amount of “dates” into a small timeframe. Afterwards, many of those speed dating events have receptions afterward, where you can try to follow-up on any promising contacts. It also hardens you against the inevitable rejections (assuming you’re not Chris Hemsworth and his wallet).

    I think it’s great you want to radically improve (me too). But it’s also important to remember that we’re all messed up in some ways. Don’t compare yourself against perfection. Even the handsomest, most successful, wealthiest man is messed up in some ways. He’s just not showing it (well, until you find him OD’d in the bathroom). And even the most common man has a superpower or two (you can see it when the minimum wage retail clerk brings a smile to his young son).

    You’re taking the first steps to do what you have to do. I’m sure you can complete the journey. Good luck, bro.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 0

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  7. Mark Says:

    Jason;

    I think there are two major points that dove tail in your letter.

    The first: ” I don’t have social skills.” coupled with the verification of “…I did manage to stumble blindly into four, very short, relationships which none lasted longer then 4 weeks, all the relationships were ended by me.”

    Given your age(32)and the exceedingly brief length of your past relationships strongly suggests to me that there is something going on. Some people have a finely tuned sense of social and emotional intelligence. Many people learn and adjust as the gain experience. For whatever reason you appear to have difficulty in this regard. etting professional help at this stage of the game might help identify and subsequently dealy this those shortcomings.

    While going to organied social settings such as Meetup can make a difference. But if you are improving on your social skill set, then you would likely repeat the same unproductive patterns and results again and again.

    Two: On a positive note, you apparently are attractive or otherwise desirable because of the people who have overtly said they want to have sex with you. This is far better than being average or below average and having difficulty engaging in the ordinary social banter that others take for granted.

    If you can work on the first point, then the second can only aide matters once you get the ball rolling.

    Best of luck and hope things improve.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

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  8. Dan Says:

    There can be any number of explanations. Everything is speculation. Only the letter writer will know the details and it is up to him to find out.

    One additional possible explanation is that the OP is asexual or aromantic. There are many different terms for it. They all mean something slightly different. A few years ago, I read a story about a woman that had no interest in romance and sex. She didn’t even need a partner. There was nothing wrong with her. She was developing a website and reaching out to let people know about this small category of people, and that it is okay to be like that. I looked for the story again, but I can’t find it.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 2

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