Why Won’t He Say They’re Just Having Sex?

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Name: Brooke
:
Question: I’ve been seeing this guy, literally just seeing and sex for around 8 months now. We go to his house, we smoke weed; it’s legal here in Washington, then we have sex. This same routine nearly every day for 8 months yet he never brings up anything about our future dating wise or relationship wise, he acts lovey dovey to me and expects the same from me, but then none of his friends know about me.

Back in December I almost left him because of his behavior and he said he really likes me, misses me and doesn’t want this to end but he refuses to say that it’s just sex. As a matter of fact I’ve tried to leave him 3 times but I keep getting sucked in because he says all these things that makes me feel like our relationship is getting somewhere and it’s going to be good but, of course it’s not. He’s taken me on two dates maybe and he thinks that’s enough. He was offended when I said he doesn’t take me out enough. He also got out of a long term relationship when we started hooking up as well so I attributed his behavior towards me to that and that’s why I’ve been so patient and trying to understand but I just can’t.

Why does act affectionate and demand affection from me when he just wants sex? He says it’s not just sex but he won’t say what it is? We’re simultaneously something and nothing. He’s also gotten more and more into pleasing me during sex. Another thing he does that drives me crazy is he ignore me for almost the whole day but if I ignore him for an hour he thinks something is wrong and I’m going to leave him. Like wtf? He only ever wants to see me after 8pm never meet up on our days off but then he wants me to spend the night all the time?

This last one irks me, whenever he is with me and one of his friends calls or texts he straight up lies to them with me right next to him. His usual excuses when he is with me are,  just at home watching tv when we’re actually in the car, or he’s getting food when he just picked me up to go back to his house. Why lie? I feel like he’s ashamed of me.

So guys, what am I doing here? What can I do? What does this mean? Does he want to pursue a relationship or is it just sex. Also we had sex first before getting to really know each other. We know a lot, very personal things about each other now and we’ve had similar harsh situations growing up so maybe that bonded us? Am I wasting my time?
Age: 20

 

Okay. I’m going to kill the suspense for you:

It’s just sex, nothing more. He’s not interested in having a relationship with you. He’s not saying it’s just sex because he thinks you’ll bail. (Lol, no you won’t.)

Why lie? I feel like he’s ashamed of me.

I can understand why you’d feel that way, but more than likely he just doesn’t want anybody knowing his business. As I just said above – GURL – you two aren’t dating. He’s not going to incorporate his fuck buddy into his life and discuss her with his friends. That’s reserved for girlfriends.

I’m going to blow your mind and let you in on a secret: people can be intimate and cuddle and share personal histories and spend the night and still be casual. Sex without any intimacy is, well, kinda bad. It has its merits, but for the most part, really good sex comes from being comfortable with each other. Unless you’re a robot, it’s almost impossible not to develop a bond with someone that you are physically intimate with on a consistent basis. You’re isolating out these innocuous moments that you share with this man and wondering why, when you add them all together, they don’t equal a real relationship. That’s because there’s no intention on his part to have a relationship. If his goal is to keep having casual sex with you without committing, he’s going to deny, deny, deny that it’s just sex while at the same time behave in a way that he knows will keep him getting laid.

Also we had sex first before getting to really know each other.

That’s irrelevant. Plenty of people have had sex before knowing someone well (or at all) and gone on to have a serious relationship with the other person. The sex didn’t prevent this guy from taking you seriously. He never took you seriously to begin with. Which doesn’t mean you have no value or are not girlfriend material or whatever such nonsense we fill our heads with in these situations. He’s just not interested in having a relationship. Maybe with you, or maybe at all. Who knows? Who cares, as the dynamic isn’t going to change. He’s not going to wake up and realize he’s in love with you. That only happens in movies.

Am I wasting my time?

If what you seek is a committed relationship, then you are absolutely wasting your time. This guy is not going to change.

Thoughts?

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6 Responses to “Why Won’t He Say They’re Just Having Sex?”

  1. fuzzilla Says:

    I can’t be the only one who read this and scrolled down to check the LW’s age and was relieved she wasn’t much older (like, “Haven’t you been there/done that three times over? Oh, okay, not even old enough to legally drink. Phew!”).

    Yes to all the above. I can see why she’s confused if they see each other *almost every day for eight months.* Cut it off now if it’s not what you want. Maybe eventually you’ll get to a place where you’re okay with a fuck buddy situation. Not that it’s something to aspire to, but because you’ll know not to take it too seriously or invest too much in it. It can be fun in some circumstances, get you laid and take the edge off loneliness a bit.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 19 Thumb down 0

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  2. Philly Gal Says:

    Everything Moxie said, plus this: “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time” – Maya Angelou

    This dude has spent 8 months showing you that you are just a fuck buddy. Most people will not admit to something that they believe will stop them from getting what they want. He wants to have sex with you whenever he is in the mood, so he doesn’t tell you it’s just sex because HE KNOWS YOU DON’T WANT THAT. So he says just enough to keep you hanging onto scraps.

    Have sex with him if you enjoy it, but let go of any chance of a relationship woth this guy. Pro tip: you deserve more than scraps.

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    • fuzzilla Says:

      **Pro tip: you deserve more than scraps.**

      Yep, and the other side of that coin is – he doesn’t deserve her loyalty.

      If you’re gonna do the fuckbuddy thing, I suggest having several. One of ‘em flakes on you? Too bad for them, call someone else up. At the very least, be sure to keep your options open.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 8 Thumb down 2

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  3. Bill Says:

    Ditto on what Moxie, Fuzzilla and Philly girl said.

    Weed and sex, when HE wants it, is all he is offering… it’s also all he’s going to offer.

    So, when you get tired of the “bake and shake” routine, dump him, start dating and don’t look back. At 20, you might not realize that there are much more mutually rewarding relationships out there. They aren’t easy to find or keep, but if it’s what you want, go out and find it.

    You won’t change him into relationship material; romantic comedy movies do not reflect not real life.

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  4. Ben Iyyar Says:

    It sounds like the lady KNOWS in her gut that she in a dead end relationship, but she fears finding out she’s right and thus she’ll have to put some real effort into finding a loving committed partner. Or perhaps this superficial go nowhere sort of relationship is what she is comfortable with. In my opinion, she KNOWS!

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 8 Thumb down 1

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  5. KK Says:

    I would add that plenty of relationships start off as just a hookup. Others with sex on a first date. The thing is, those hookups quickly turn to relationships, usually. If both people feel a connection relationships happen. Does the LW even like this guy? Fuck what he wants. Why care? Find someone who wants what you wanf

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 8 Thumb down 1

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