How Does She Find Out If He’s Sleeping Around?


Name: a

Question: Ok

So I’ve been through enough long term relationships and break ups, and have been single now long enough to understand that sex with a man does NOT equal Relationship.

At this point, I’ll be completely honest, emotionally, I don’t care if the guy I’m sleeping with is sleeping with anyone else, because I’m getting what i need and couldn’t care less what he does when we are not together. we are very new in the relationship. only been seeing each other 3 weeks. however, his work takes him out of the country a week or two of the month… and that is where I am a little concerned…

Here is my question:  I am personally choosing not to sleep with anyone else while I’m beginning this sexual relationship with him because I just don’t like to do that – I enjoy one partner at a time – and don’t need to ask any commitment questions to do that – that’s just me.

Also, i prefer to play it at least slightly safe by being monogamous because STDs are a very real issue, and I’m a great fan of not using condoms.

Ok- so this guy and I have been together only a couple of weeks and he already took the liberty to remove the condom—– without a discussion….
– so here’s my concern- the fact that he took off the condom without talking about it absolutely does NOT mean he is NOT sleeping with anyone else, and in fact, may mean he does this with a lot of women…?

Please help me figure out how to get him to tell the truth about whether he is or is not sleeping with anyone else without protection. I am afraid that if I ask directly, in fear of me demanding to bring the condom back or just ditching him all together, he will not give me the truth.

I really don’t want STDs, BUT I don’t want to bog down a budding relationship with heavy questions… especially if i am not sure if he will give me the truth, fearing my reaction….

— Honestly, I had a sneaky idea about how to get the truth, and i would love feedback opinions:
I considered telling him that I was sleeping with other guys and ask him what he felt about it. Then, after hearing his response, asking him that same question.  I feel like i would get a much more honest answer–
If he doesn’t like hearing that I’m with other guys, then I, of course, will tell the truth (which is that I’m not actually doing that) and we go from there. However, it could backfire and then he just doesn’t trust me anymore… but then the ball is in my court and he is suddenly the one wanting me to be monogamous, which is exactly what I want – for now. no more than that- just MONOGAMY.

But if he IS sleeping with other women, he will feel more comfortable to admit it honestly and openly and then we can take it from there…

looking forward to your responses!
Age: 35


You just want monogamy  but nothing else?

You. Are. Adorable.

Let’s start with the obvious: drop the oh-so-casual attitude and stop pretending like you are okay with this casual relationship, because you’re not.  Your “I don’t want an STD” argument is totally bogus. If that were true, you would have stopped the sex immediately when he took off the condom.

Ok- so this guy and I have been together only a couple of weeks and he already took the liberty to remove the condom—– without a discussion….

Why are you acting like you had no agency in this situation? Your words and your actions are not in alignment here. If I’m casually sleeping with a man and his unsheathed penis goes near my vagina, I’m closing up shop and telling him to put on a condom first. That’s what people who don’t want STD’s do. You’ve been banging this guy for three weeks and going raw dog, but you don’t want STD’s. This does not compute.

Whether he’s sleeping with other people or not is irrelevant as far as STD’s go. He could still transmit a virus to you that he contracted from a previous partner. (Even while wearing a condom, btw.) So there’s another hole in this ridiculous and exhaustive argument of yours.

You want to concoct and execute some hair-brained scheme akin to something Lucy and Ethel might carry out? Go ahead. Ricky still won’t let you sing at the club. You want to know if he’s sleeping with anyone else because you want to know where you stand with him.  So just ask him where you stand. Tell him a lie and then admit that you told him a lie to trick him into telling you the truth and you will look insane. If he was considering dating you seriously, that little stunt will for sure push him away. Lady, guys are on to us and our tricks. They know why we ask questions about what they’re doing when they’re not with us. No amount of STD factoids and impassioned Merchant of Venice inspired monologues demanding truth and justice will convince a man you’re not trying to get him to commit. So stop.

I’ve said this before: The STD defense when asking about sexual history is the biggest pile of horseshit. Condoms or not, one partner or one hundred, the risk still exists. You like this guy – and that’s okay – but what’s not okay is going along with a situation that compromises your values. If you don’t want to be with someone who is sleeping around, then you have all the power you need in the situation to walk away. Ask for what you want. Either you’ll get it or you won’t, but at least you’ll know and won’t have to torture yourself wondering if he’s sticking it in anyone else.





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10 Responses to “How Does She Find Out If He’s Sleeping Around?”

  1. fuzzilla Says:

    Moxie knocked it outta the park.

    **Let’s start with the obvious: drop the oh-so-casual attitude and stop pretending like you are okay with this casual relationship, because you’re not.**

    Right? Why do so many women feel compelled to deny their real feelings? I know, I know, Cool Girls(TM) never display negative emotions, so they lie to keep up the illusion that they don’t have any emotions. I get how the OP doesn’t want to be accused of being overly emotional and scare him off, but you can honor your feelings in a calm and cool and honest manner. It might mean losing him, but are you really happy twisting yourself into a pretzel to keep someone around?

  2. Yvonne Says:

    So many contradictory statements here. If you really didn’t care what your partner does, you wouldn’t be writing in. If you want to know if this guy has an STD, ask him if he’s been tested for anything recently, or insist that he wear a condom. It’s your body and your emotions, why are you so risky with them, and then working so hard to deny that?

    The best way to get at the truth is to ask for it. Start by being honest with yourself and maybe you’ll be comfortable asking for the truth from others.

  3. Parenting Says:

    “I’m so cool with casual sex, Samantha Jones wishes she were me. All I want is monogamy after two weeks. But like super casual cool girl monogamy.”

  4. EANx Says:

    Christ, ask your partner how often they get tested, when they last got tested and what the results were.

  5. Bostonette Says:

    Oh girl bye…You’re 35? What a mess… everything Moxie said and more. Good luck with the STD you already have for sleeping around without a jimmy hat. I love the “Lucy and Ethel” reference…perfect for the moronic game you want to play instead of taking control over your own situation and asking the guy straight out.

  6. AnnieNonymous Says:

    I understand the origins of this nonsense…there can be a lot of pressure for progressive-minded women to be cool with casual sex and dating around even if they personally aren’t. Men benefit from this in-fighting among women/women’s ideologies, and women know that if they don’t play along, there will always be some “Cool Girl” who can fuck like a guy and draw the men her way.

    The solution? Get off the internet. Stop thinking of life in terms of tumblr discourse. Stop sleeping with men who won’t date you, if you really do just want a monogamous sexual relationship.

  7. Selena Says:

    I’m curious as to why this guy who’s only known you 2-3 weeks felt he could have sex with you without a condom. What would make him think YOU didn’t have an STI? What would make him think you were diligent about birth control? You are not a teenager and I presume your partner isn’t either. In your shoes, I might wonder if this dude did in fact know he had something, but didn’t care if he gave it to you, (or got you pregnant) because he had no plans to stick around to find out.

    You are 35, not 15. You need to feel confidence in yourself as a woman, and not play silly, convoluted games. Fake it till you make it if need be.

    Tell this guy, (and any that come after him) that you don’t feel comfortable having sex without a condom until a relationship is further along and you BOTH know you want monogamy. That’s not putting pressure on someone to commit to monogamy before they are ready.

    You say all you want is monogamy. How do you know if you will still like this guy 3 weeks from now even if he tells you he is not sleeping with anyone else? There is nothing wrong with wanting a monogamous sex life, but if you want a satisfying relationship that lasts longer than a few weeks… making “not currently sleeping with anyone else” is short sited criteria.

  8. Ali Says:

    Moxie nailed it. Girl, you’re way over thinking things. Why would you play a game to get an answer outta somebody? Just ask him.

  9. KK Says:

    Why on earth do you want to continue sleeping with a guy who would be so disrespectful of you, of ANYONE, ass to take a condom off without asking you if it’s ok?

  10. Nicki Says:

    Nothing about this says she is ok with this possibly being a non-monogamous relationship. If you want to know what’s going on then ask.

    That being said, I would never continue with a guy who tried to have sex with me without a condom before discussing it with me. Screw that kind of disrespect and irresponsibility.

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