Signs He’s An Abusive Asshole

16-abusive-relationship-signs-of-a-devious-lover

 

Name: Confused

Question: So…I have been on a few dates with a man…he is 37, and I am 33.

On our first date we met up for breakfast, but ended up hanging out together for the next 24 hours! He wanted to know everything about me in this time…my past relationships, family, what I want in the future, etc…details regarding things that people generally would not discuss on a first date. He also asked about my children’s father, and wanted to know details on this, too. Because I am a pretty honest and up front person, it was not entirely offensive to me, and we had some really fabulous discussions…I let him know quite a bit about myself and my past. Although he seemed a bit eager, I am also someone intense so did not get too alarmed.

Second date, we met for dinner and then ended up hanging out until 5pm the next day! He brought me coffee in bed, and we chatted for hours upon hours…actually, we stayed in bed until well after 2pm and he even cancelled a work meeting (I did not ask him to do that, just noticed he did so mentioning it). That evening, I had also met a few of his friends before we left dinner, and he put his hand on my arm while we were chatting with them…he will often reach out to hold or caress my arm/hand in public. Again, when we spent this time privately together, he wanted all of my details and past and secrets…really intense conversation. He shared some of his past heartbreak, and even cried a little to me while I held his hand. There is an intimate emotional connection.

We have slept together, and over the next weekend he also went for a walk with me and my daughter to the park, and invited us back to his house so that she could play with his dog and instruments (he is a music teacher). He wrote me a few minutes after we left to tell me how amazing she is, and how he believes that I am a fabulous mother.

Also, though, I need to say that he told me the first time we spent time together that he sometimes uses beautiful women to feel good about himself.  He has also lamented about a relationship that ended suddenly for him a few months ago…and told me how lonely he has been. We also realized we have a friend in common when we were on our first date, and he stated that he was going on a date with her next week!! (Though they never did go on a date, nor has he seen anyone else).

I, myself, am a teacher…but am also a single parent and have a lot of past history. I find his behavior very confusing and impulsive, and told him that I do not want to be someone’s stepping stone. I also told him that I believe he may have a little too much going on emotionally and asked him for some space and to not contact me for a bit. This felt awful to me, but perhaps necessary for my emotional safety.

I’m getting mixed feelings in my gut…he is coming on very strongly, but also making statements that indicate to me he really just needs a friend. Problem is, he is someone that I could really, really like if I allowed myself…but I’m scared that he may simply be flighty, immature and unsure of what he wants. Also, that I may simply make him feel good about himself because I am a single parent, etc. and he is a professor (he seems to have a bit of an ego/savior complex)…maybe like he is “slumming it” with me? (This could be my insecurity, though.)

I’m a very logical person, and can cut off ties pretty easily if I need to…but can’t tell if I am being irrational cutting him out (because of my past abuse), or if my gut (which says to cut him out quick…like right now before he can hurt me) is right and he is emotionally unhealthy.

I suppose I am wondering if cutting off contact is an appropriate response to this? And why the hell does he behave so emotionally erratic…bringing up children and marriage, etc. in the first few dates, but also telling me about women who hurt him recently?? Is he crazy, or am I, or are we both?
Age: 33

 
We have slept together, and over the next weekend he also went for a walk with me and my daughter to the park

This is where I checked out. You had a number of reservations about this man and yet you still introduced him to your daughter. You must know on some level how reckless and inappropriate this was, yes?

You are an easy mark – you’re a single parent coming out of an abusive relationship. Gurl. Fucking GURL.  Get thee to therapy and don’t even think about dating anyone until you can look back on this situation and say, “Wow, I was really naive.”

Also, though, I need to say that he told me the first time we spent time together that he sometimes uses beautiful women to feel good about himself.

He shared some of his past heartbreak, and even cried a little to me while I held his hand. There is an intimate emotional connection.

He has also lamented about a relationship that ended suddenly for him a few months ago…and told me how lonely he has been. We also realized we have a friend in common when we were on our first date, and he stated that he was going on a date with her next week!! (Though they never did go on a date, nor has he seen anyone else).

This guy is working you. He’s lonely and sad BUT he uses beautiful women to feel good about himself and , oh hey, by the way? He’s going out with one of your friends next week. Oh wait. Surprise! No he’s not! He likes you too much to go through with the date, you see. Push pull. Back forth. Teeter totter. His machinations are dizzying with how they go from one extreme to the other.

Fucking run from this man. He’s abusive. He’s manipulating your emotions and getting you where he wants you. That line about dating your friend? That was likely a lie.  In fact, I’d guess most of what he told you is entirely fabricated. That’s what con artists do: they manufacture a back story to prey on people’s sympathy to make them easier to fool. Poor baby, he’s been burned. He’s so scared to love. He knows it’s wrong to use women but he just. can’t. help. himself. Save him, won’t you?

Fuck that noise. Throw this jizzbag back and head for shore.

I’m a very logical person

No, you’re not. A logical person would have immediately taken three steps back and wondered why this guy was so open and available from the jump. Those marathon dates are for one of three kinds of people: the desperate ones with no lives to speak of, the people addicted to the rush of blossoming romance,  and the ones working a con. He’s the latter.

maybe like he is “slumming it” with me? (This could be my insecurity, though.)

Bingo. See what he did? He got you to question your worth, further exacerbating your already existing insecurity. He knows exactly what he’s doing. I guarantee you he pulls this crap with every woman he meets waiting to see who takes the bait. Spoiler alert: women with a health sense of self-worth never bite.

And why the hell does he behave so emotionally erratic…bringing up children and marriage, etc. in the first few dates

He does this to keep you off balance. The more you analyze and question him (and by extension, yourself) the weaker you become.

Your gut is right. Listen to it. Cut him out of your life and go talk to a professional. That is not an insult or criticism. We all have stuff that makes us vulnerable to predators like this. You have a daughter to think about. You don’t want to keep following this path and bringing unstable unhealthy men into her life or yours.

Thoughts?

@ATWYSingle

@BuffsBrainiacs
@WOTTweets

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4 Responses to “Signs He’s An Abusive Asshole”

  1. Speed Says:

    “He’s working you.”

    –Moxie.

    Right. This guy is not merely a player, immature dude or confused man. His elaborate stories, manufactured crises and moments of drama suggest that he is disturbed, a con man, or abuser. The situation is especially dangerous because you have a daughter. Please stay away.

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  2. V Says:

    Having been involved with someone like this, I would add to this wise advice that you shouldn’t be surprised if, after you back out, he turns on the charm really strong and makes himself appear to be a great person.

    Don’t let this undercut your initial impression. This is part of the game of influence… and they are very good at switching tactics when their current methods are rejected. It’s tailor-made to manipulate you.

    He is targeting you. You are a target. Know this. Get out and stay out.

    The fallout from being involved with someone like this can be really damaging.

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  3. Bostonette Says:

    Google “Borderline Personality Disordered Males”

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  4. mamajuju Says:

    Always listen to your gut, Run Away, Now.
    You have a daughter to protect. This creep may actually be targeting you to get to your
    child.
    Given your past experience, take a break from dating and find other activities to help you
    feel good about yourself. When you are fresh out of an abusive situation you may not
    realize that a con artist or abuser will be able to see you coming from a mile away.
    Best of luck, and take good care of yourself.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

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