The Best Comment About Being Single EVER

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I’m going out on a limb here and saying that this is – quite possible – THE BEST COMMENT this site has ever received.

I’m 34 and have been single for five years (and I’m a woman, if it makes any difference). Even in my twenties, I always found it difficult to get into a relationship. In my twenties, men just wanted to sleep around, consequence-free. Now in my thirties, I find myself unable to find single men in their thirties as well! It’s just never been easy, so getting older hasn’t changed that. That part I have to laugh at.

I tried looking at myself critically. I did online research. I asked honest friends I trusted. They all said the same thing: “You just haven’t met him yet. It’s not you.” Let me tell you, I eventually became convinced I had problems that I didn’t really have. I read articles and talked myself into having trust issues, when in fact I have many friends and I really do trust them. I ascribed a lot of psychoses to myself to try to explain my being perpetually single.

In the end, I came to the realization that it WASN’T me after all; it was the environments I was in. I worked in bars for years, and they’re generally not a good place to meet people (unless you like hopeless addicts). Now I’m in college, and everyone is significantly younger than I am, and I have no interest in the young boys.

I also had very little sense of self. All this time alone has forced me to develop that sense.

As for standards, I decided they were raised to high, but not in the way one might expect. For instance, I didn’t want to hook up with anyone; I wanted to wait until I was in a serious relationship. But that’s just not on the horizon now, so I see nothing wrong with occasionally having fun with someone. It’s like telling yourself, “lighten up!”

I also ran the gamut of ideas for meeting people: online dating, speed dating, all that nonsense. All those methods cause is burnout, bitterness and depression. I learned to stay away from those methods, and any method involving dating en masse, because we humans are not meant to have so many brief contacts with so many suitors nonstop. It cheapens the act of getting to know someone, and reduces it to a product that has to be evaluated. That’s not romantic at all.

I believe the total number of “perpetually single people” is going to continue to rise with successive generations. It just seems to be where society is heading.

I tried to figure out how the “perpetually coupled-off” people become the way they are, what they are doing to maintain that coveted label, etc. etc. I honestly can’t find a reason outside of environmental ones. You simply have to be in places where there is a sizeable pool of eligible people to date.

So, really, as much as society likes to point the finger at single people as causing their own problems, the reality is that there is no one-size-fits-all answer, as with any other human condition. I recommend therapy and perhaps changing your attitude towards relationships. Don’t prioritize having a romantic relationship; treat the idea cavalierly. Until then, sleep around if you like and don’t take it too seriously, until a person who is serious about you comes along.

I’ve said this before: the less I focus on dating, the happier I am.  When I log on to Bumble or OKCupid, I get this immediate pull on my heart

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24 Responses to “The Best Comment About Being Single EVER”

  1. EANx Says:

    You have to put yourself somewhere conducive to the dating environment you,want to be in. For one night stands, that would be bars. For relationships, maybe meetup groups or whatever interest groups are in your area. Online dating has always been a bit difficult but I’ve met some good women that way, including my GF of 2.5 years.

    It’s easy to get jaded when online dating and for a while I had a former online date I would meet up with and we’d help each other out. It’s not easy but neither is any other type of mate-matching.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 1

  2. Nia Says:

    I feel like I could have written this myself.
    I spent years tying myself in knots. Working out, changing my style of dress, my hair, trying different looks.
    Going to Meetups, bars, parties, school events, online dating, etc.
    I talked to many friends and my mom can testify that she heard it all: the tears, the anger, the excited “new guy” run-down that never went anywhere.
    I heard all the cliches from my friends: he’ll arrive when you’re not looking, it’s not you, you’re so cool, you’re too rigid, etc etc.
    The thing is, I was dating. I had all kinds of dates, from one night stands to fun coffee dates, FWB, casual dating, serious boyfriends, and I got engaged twice (once in my very early 20’s to a high school BF who unfortunately was killed in a military action).
    I think many of us who were or are mostly single focus on the lack or the losses rather than the love or the affection we have been given, and that lack seems to become its own center of gravity, pulling us down deeper and sucking us into hopelessness.
    The advice that works for one person (“get on OKC!”–hey, a girlfriend of mine went on three very successful dates with a guy she met on OKC, had the “talk” and she got herself a boyfriend, in like… a month of trying) won’t necessarily work for everyone.
    My advice is this:
    Hold out for comfort mixed with a large drop of attraction.
    Someone you feel like your real, but best self with.
    Someone you want to kiss their pretty/handsome face every time you see them, even if none of your friends or the outside world seems to see their cuteness.
    Someone you can talk to about almost anything, and they make you feel better.

    Don’t hold out for toe curling sex, gut punch attraction, or tingles of “I just knew”. They may be there. But that’s not the be-all-end-all and oftentimes it just means chemistry, not compatibility.

    Hold out for true love.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 21 Thumb down 2

  3. Noquay Says:

    While there are some things I don’t agree with, probably because I’m a lot older and from a different culture, there’s a lot in this post that I do. From personal experience, one very much has to have a pool of compatible, age appropriate, folk to choose from or else you indeed will stay alone no matter how together you are and how much you have to offer.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 1

  4. fuzzilla Says:

    I saw that comment and remember also thinking it was the best one I’ve read.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

  5. Troll Says:

    (Formerly “Parenting”)

    This was a great write-up and I completely agree that environment makes both forming and sustaining a serious relationship very difficult. However, I don’t think the issue is lack of singles because hey, nyc has a ton of them and its easily the worst place to be single. It’s about being in a place where singles are targeting an LTR.

    Assuming the survey results in this New York magazine are accurate, if two thirds of single new yorkers aren’t even interested in forming an LTR (and of course no one tells you this up front), no wonder this poor woman and so many others feels so defeated.

    http://nymag.com/nymetro/nightlife/singles/features/2394/

    In my humble opinion, the best thing you can do to improve the quality of your romantic life is leave urban east coast cities.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 5 Thumb down 5

  6. Zaire Says:

    I believe this lady is right. I’ve ruminated on why it’s so hard to find a mate and while I’ll be the first to admit my own problems and shortcomings it does seem society is moving away from life-long commitments. People (especially the kinds I know and would like to date) aren’t settling into life in their late twenties. For many the party is just getting started. They’ve finished grad school or gotten that entry level experience and are now ready to move to a more exciting location to get a taste of what the world has to offer. I respect that and which to do that too but I know that isn’t necessarily conducive to forming a very serious relationship leading to marriage and kids. I’ve told myself I will live my life as a see fit but if I meet the right guy I will absolutely amend my trajectory so we can make it work. So long as he is on the same page (unlike my ex) and is serous about making it work, I’m game.

    Also I know people who are jump from one LTR to another. On the outside it looks like their is some “it factor” but that’s hardly the truth. Yeah they have a hot spouse but they fight CONSTANTLY, they are divergent in how to handle finances, cheating, jealously issues etc. Trust me, as someone who finds herself getting phone calls late at night detailing the fights, divorce threats, and drama that LTR isn’t always what it seems. I’d gladly have peace of mind over that even if it means my bed stays a little colder for longer

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 9 Thumb down 1

  7. UWSGal Says:

    The society is not moving anywhere away from committed relationship, that is a lie some people like to tell themselves. People are getting married later, for sure, and sometimes they don’t legally get married but they get hitched, alright guys? I work with tremendous amount of people, I have about 700 clients in the U.S. in addition to co-workers and former co-workers, and I would say that close to 90% of them are men, and 90% of them are married – shot, tall, young, old, west coast, east coast, midwest, you name it. Eligible men (i.e. gainfully employed with good values and not completely unfortunately looking) get snapped up in late 20-ies, get married and stay that way. After the age of 35 you can only catch them between wives as a great deal is getting divorced at the 7 years mark.

    Personally I have never been out of a committed relationship for longer than 3-4 months. And I have been married 2x and engaged 3x. It really is not that difficult.

    I do have girlfriends who are perpetually single now in their mid-30ies. I feel that I could tell them exactly what they’re doing wrong and coach them towards getting a b/f, but I am also sure that they would not want to hear the harsh truth. It really is simple. Lose weight and fix your hair. Dial the intensity down a notch. Don’t go for the hot guys who are out of your league, go for that slightly geeky guy who’s good husband material. Don’t sleep with them without negotiating a commitment. Most women, I think, prefer to hear the usual B/S that “when it’time he will appear” and “you will meet someone when you’re not looking” etc. No, and no. If being in a relationship is the actual goal, it can be achieved with a simple strategy in about 6 months.. If meeting a unicorn who gives you butterflies in your stomach is the goal, I wish you luck. Not that there’s anything wrong with either goal. Shitty relationships are not really worth having.. Just saying, you can get one and it’s not rocket science.

    P.S. and NYC is a great place to be single, IMO

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 12 Thumb down 29

    • Troll Says:

      The projections from the Pew Research Center deviate from your personal experience. I thought it was just regional, but looks like there’s a national downward trend for marriage. Not only will millennials marry later but 25% are projected to never marry at all (up from about 8% from prior generations). There’s lots of interesting research out there on the subject (if you are as boring and nerdy as I am).

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 10 Thumb down 0

      • UWSGal Says:

        Legal marriage may be on a decline but cohabitation is on a massive rise. Look it up. Many people simply live together unmarried longer or dont get legally married at all. I know couples who have kids and been together for 10+ years and never legally married. The reason for that is outdated and horrible marriage laws, if you ask me, and the “marriage penalty” on taxes.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 3

    • KK Says:

      Are you joking? A lot of guyys i jnow got married in their late 20s and have stayed that way. And guess what? I am friends with their wives abd they are not hapoy. Being gainfully employed and having good values just means that. It has nothing to do with whether you will be a true partner to soneone.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 1

    • KK Says:

      Also. Married twice and engaged 3 times? What? So you are clearly good at getting married.but since you are clearly suck at being married what makes you think you know how to pick a guy?

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 17 Thumb down 3

      • UWSGal Says:

        It depends on how you view marriage and relationship. If you only think that it is successful if it lasts till death, than yeah i suck at marriage. If you define it as two people sharing their lives while it is good and parting their ways when it runs it course, then I say I am pretty good at it. The wives of your male friends who are married and miserable – they are the ones who are not good at marriage. Like I said, a bad marriage/relationship is way worse than being single.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 3

        • KK Says:

          I never said my friends were good at marriage. i was responding to your comment about your male colleagues getting married in their late 20s and staying that way. Yes, they are staying married, but the wives, at least in the marriages I know, are not all that happy.

          II think you missed my point. Of course it is better to get out of a bad marriage than stay in. But you were talking about advising your friends about getting men. If you marrying men you are divorcing, then clearly you are not great at picking those men. There are people in long-term relationships and marriages that actually work really well. i take advice from them – they clearly are doing something right.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 2

      • ATWYSingle Says:

        Please tell me I’m not the only person who thinks she’s a troll who made up a persona for this site. Nobody could say the things she says with such aplomb without being completely out of touch with reality or fake.

        Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 14 Thumb down 1

        • KK Says:

          I don’t think she’s a troll. I think it’s more being in a bubble and thinking that everyone thinks that same way.

          Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 9 Thumb down 1

        • BTownGirl Says:

          I do too. Like, I don’t for a minute believe she met Janis Spindel – I think she just wanted to throw some not-too-thinly veiled comments about Jewish women out there. If you re-read that whole comment and what she’s getting at it’s creepy as fuck.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 1

          • KK Says:

            i was so fucking furious at that comment. i thought it MIGHT be vaguely acceptable if she is a Jew, and if she is, then she is very ignorant of her culture, and very bigoted.

            Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 1

          • KK Says:

            I just wanted to add – to me it read like some fucking pseudo-hipster, post-racism antisemitic shit. Like, “they’re rich and they’re white so it can’t be offensive.” I also thought that best-case scenario she was hyping up the matchmaking service.

            Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 2

            • BTownGirl Says:

              Exactly. I know she claimed to be a minority once when justifying why she voted for Trump, but, yeah, I think it’s all fake. That whole comment she wrote just made me nauseous. The “Me, I felt very out of place there. I actually was the blond, modelesque-looking…” Because, ya know, Jews can’t be tall, blonde, good-looking, etc. Sounds familiar, am I right? So fucking creepy.

              In any event, whether she’s real or not, she’s a moron and here’s Israeli supermodel Bar Refaeli demonstrating exactly how bothered we should be by such an ignorant asspile:

              http://img.pandawhale.com/41390-Bar-Refaeli-gif–Imgur-nQtI.gif

              Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 3

              • Ruth Says:

                While that whole comment is laced with finely veiled Anti Semitic bullshit, I honestly think the blonde modeleque comment was just her trying to brag about how beautiful and above other women she is and not just jewish women. It’s not the only comment I’ve seen her make about her looks.

                Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

                • Beta Male Says:

                  I also get a sense that she is someone who don’t know how to be single, judging from her tendency to jump from long-term relationship to long-term relationship.

                  Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 0

                • BTownGirl Says:

                  That could certainly be the case, but that kind of comment speaks so much to a certain kind of ideology *cough cough* that I figured I’d point it out for educational purposes, you know? Either way, I completely agree with Moxie that she’s probably a fake and it’s just too weird for words!

                  Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 1

  8. Pina Says:

    I totally relate with the author and in a similar vein why I like the book “It’s not you: 27 reasons…” it debunks all the myths of perpetual singledom, “you’re too picky/not picky enough “, “you’re too needy/too independent “, “you need to love yourself/ you’re intimidating ” etc.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 8 Thumb down 0

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