Add Stealthing To List of Things Women Have To Worry About

condomstealth

Here’s an article that addresses something that came up recently on this site.

The Growing Movement of Men Who Secretly Remove Condoms During Sex

Alexandra Brodsky, a legal fellow at the National Women’s Law Center and author of the study, spoke with a number of people, mostly women, who have experienced nonconsensual condom removal. While every survivor’s experience is different, Brodsky pointed to two common themes that appeared in her conversations: “The first is that, unsurprisingly, survivors fear unwanted pregnancies and sexually transmitted infections,” she writes. “The second is that, apart from these specific outcomes, survivors experienced nonconsensual condom removal as a clear violation of their bodily autonomy and the trust they had mistakenly placed in their sexual partner.” One woman told Brodsky: “Obviously the part that really freaked me out . . . was that it was such a blatant violation of what we’d agreed to. I set a boundary. I was very explicit.” Another, recognizing how similarly violating “stealthing” felt to other forms of sexual assault, called the practice “rape-adjacent.”

I’m in total agreement that if a man removes a condom without the woman’s consent, that it it’s “rape-adjacent.” Once you cross a stated boundary, it’s a violation.

But here’s what confuses me: how does this happen? I have no doubt that it does. I am not accusing anyone of telling falsehoods. I just literally do not understand the logistics of this. Wouldn’t you hear the condom come off? Wouldn’t you notice an interruption of the act?

Has this ever happened to you?

Thoughts?

 

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10 Responses to “Add Stealthing To List of Things Women Have To Worry About”

  1. Hailey Says:

    I could see in changing positions that a man could quickly pull it off, or something of the like. What’s weird though is I can feel the difference between someone wearing a condom and someone who’s not. A condom feels different than skin. Wouldn’t these women notice the same thing? Maybe it’s just me?

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    • Bethany Says:

      I can’t feel a difference whatsoever.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 0

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    • mxf Says:

      fwiw, I can feel the difference between with and without condoms as well. And I feel like it’s super frowned upon to even acknowledge, but my preference (from a tactile perspective) is skin-to-skin. But life doesn’t care about my preferences, so maybe I just haven’t found brands that are ‘invisible’ enough feeling.

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  2. Dark Sarcasm Says:

    I’ve heard of the whole ‘poke holes in the condom with a needle beforehand’ thing, but taking off the conform mid/sex? Yes, If love to know how that happens

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  3. EANx Says:

    The statement is rather vague and through third parties. Where’s the link to the study?

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 1

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  4. Dawn Says:

    I had this happen once that I know of. We were having sex. Then went to doggy style anal. I realized after the fact he no longer had the condom on and was so pissed. He tried to say he thought I didn’t want it that b/c we were doing anal he should take it off?! Talk about assumptions!?! I had suspicions before this he might be bi or gay so I was freaking out that I just had unprotected anal with a potential gay dude. Made him go with me and get an HIV test. That was definitely the last time I slept with him. Didn’t trust him after that and didn’t even realize guys sneaking the condom out of the picture was a potential thing till then.
    I also had on 3 occasions a situation where while having sex the condom came off in me. That is the worst feeling ever. It’s like you tried to do the right thing and still ended up having unprotected sex. :(

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 11 Thumb down 1

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  5. Jesse Says:

    I suppose it’s down to timing. If the woman is “close”, she may attribute the change in feeling to heightened excitement, plus, As someone else said, a quick change in position. That’s all the “cover” needed to pull out, remove, and back in without her realizing what exactly is going on. If she is concentrating on coming, I could see where it could slip right by.

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  6. Bill Says:

    I had heard that some guys were “pushy” about not using a condom, but this! Wow!

    IMO, it is pretty “rapey” and if the consent was very specific about using a condom, then I would say it is some form of rape/sexual assault.

    From a slightly different perspective, given the ultra-thin (yet still strong) synthetics these days, why is this even a thing? It’s not the 80’s anymore folks! Spend a couple bucks on a condom.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 2

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    • D. Says:

      While I doubt the law has had occasion to address too many of these cases, I think there’s a pretty solid argument that, if you consent to sex under XYZ circumstances, if someone then changes those to ABC to which you do not consent, that’d be rape. Likewise, if you say “Stop” mid-act, and the other person keeps going, that’s rape.

      Basically, the guys who do this shit are scum. End of story.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 10 Thumb down 2

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  7. Selena Says:

    Ugh. I guess men who do this aren’t worried about getting STI’s and 18+ years of child support?

    How does it happen? Perhaps because he turns the woman onto her stomach and removes the condom quickly when she can’t see him do it? Alcohol consumption might make the switch less noticable? Sheesh.

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