Why Won’t She Have Sex With Him Again?

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Hi Moxie,

Wondering what you and your readers will have to say about this. I’ve had 3 dates with a woman. On the 2nd date we had sex. A couple of weeks later (she was out of town for a week) she said she wanted to go back to not having sex. She’s a great girl and the last time we saw each other (our 3rd date) we didn’t have sex. I went over to her place to watch a movie. The conversation about sex came up and she said something like, “I don’t want this to just be about sex.” I said, “I completely understand, but want you to know it’s not.” Time went by and we almost started messing around and she said, “I don’t want this to lead to sex tonight” and it completely killed the mood. When the conversation came up I reminded her that I’ve tried to do things outside of my apartment and hers, but schedule conflicts seem to prevent that from happening thus far.

I was trying to be very cool about the situation and said something about hanging out the next day. She then said, “Well, I won’t know until later tomorrow.” As we continued talking I said, “You have to understand where I’m coming from. You canceled plans last night, and here I am trying to make plans with you (outside of our apartments) and you’re asking me to keep my schedule open for that day… with no clue if you are going to be free or not.”

The situation was rather frustrating. She’s not a shady girl at all, but I don’t think she understood how things were coming off. Also, I asked her to a movie last night, and she’s the one that suggested I come to her place.

We talked for a bit longer, but I eventually ended up leaving shortly after. I tried to explain that boundaries like that are very limiting and seem problematic from a chemistry standpoint.

In my mind I thought she would have been game since we hadn’t seen each other in a week or so… but it most certainly didn’t feel that way. – Greg, 34, Boston

She’s not a shady girl at all,

That’s your first mistake.

She is shady. Shady meaning either she’s unaware of why she’s doing what she’s doing (which will lead to a looooot of disagreements) or she’s well aware of what she’s doing and being manipulative. You’re seeing what you want to see and over looking big, giant red flags. You’re torn. You want to give her the benefit of the doubt. But something inside you won’t let you fully commit to that intention. LISTEN TO THAT VOICE!! If you tell her you’re not just in it for sex, and she trusts you, then why not just have sex? If she can take you at your word, then why the hesitancy? Here’s why: she either doesn’t believe you (and good luck convincing her) or..she just likes watching you squirm.

Sorry, but nobody over the age of 25 should invite someone over to their apartment unless they plan on having sex. Period. She’s doing the whole “omigod , I’m not that kind of girl who screws guys on the second date.” Honey, we’re all that type of girl at some time or another. I’d say 80% of men, when their date has sex with them on the first or second date, are so relieved at the lack of game playing that they can’t be bothered to wonder with how many other men you’ve done this. If the man likes you, the sex isn’t going to change that. Where these types of men get concerned, as DMN once mentioned recently, is if the woman acts too detached or too casual about sex or talks about sex in a way that devalues or objectifies her lovers.( This is why so many dating bloggers find themselves on the receiving end of The Fade more times than they can count, BTW. If you write about your dates/lovers as plot devices or props instead of people, you can expect guys to not call you back.)

She’s testing you to see if you’re genuinely interested in her. She’s making you jump through hoops so you can prove to her that you really like her and not just interested in having sex with her.

It won’t stop here. It will be an endless series of tests. People who behave this way always end up being way too much work.

This woman is not emotionally healthy. People whose behavior is inconsistent like this – that’s a warning that something is off. These sorts of people – men and women – can do a lot of damage if you don’t take control of the situation right away.

If you want to continue seeing her, you have to make it clear to her that you feel this taking two steps back thing isn’t a productive move. Not because you want to have sex but because you feel it’s manipulative. You have to stand your ground here. She honestly might not even be aware that she’s doing it. If you point it out to her and say that your intentions are honest, hopefully she’ll feel more comfortable. But if that roller coaster starts again and you feel like she’s picking fights (bad sign!!!) then you have to grab your balls and leave. You will not change her. She might never change. You’re not about to play Henry Higgins.

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19 Responses to “Why Won’t She Have Sex With Him Again?”

  1. KK Says:

    This read to me like she wasn’t that interested but stil wanted to see him. These are the actions of someone not interested but who doesnt want to end things.

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  2. KK Says:

    Also. I am not sure it is such a bad idea to invite someone over if you don’t want sex. Buuuuut it makes no sense to do that when the other person made plans for outside of the home.

    I would also say that plenty of people never have sex on the 2nd date. But when you do, you ARE thst type of person. Because you are doing it.

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  3. Roger Says:

    This guy​ is being played but he’s not aware of it yet. Greg, I went through a similar situation years back where a girl was playing the field and she wouldn’t make time for ud and things ended terribly.

    Questions that need further clarification:

    Do you really like this girl? Is she even relationship worthy for you? Sure strikes me as she’s emotionally high maintenance.

    This is really just your third date. Why get so attached to a detached manipulative girl?

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  4. Mandy Says:

    I don’t have an issue with her having sex on the 2nd date, and then deciding that was too quick for her, and that she’d like to get to know you better before doing it again. Everyone makes mistakes, and if you think the sex was a mistake, it’s fine to admit it. That’s not the problem.

    The problem is that she’s NOT making an effort at all to get to know you, and move the relationship forward (emotionally or physically). The’s jerking you around. I think it was incredibly manipulative to invite you over to her apartment to watch a movie on that 3rd date. “Come over and watch a movie” is basically saying “come over and have sex”. For most people, that’s what it has meant since high school. If she didn’t want to have sex, she shouldn’t have invited you over. Especially since it’s already awkward that she wants to take the step back from sex!

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  5. Kim Says:

    My first thought was she didn’t enjoy the sex and is keeping him around until someone better comes along.

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    • Selena Says:

      Yes. The letter struck me that the woman wanted male attention more than she wanted that particular man.

      I’ve had 2 friends like that. They always had to be dating ‘someone’ even if they weren’t really into the guy. Seemed like some kind of internal validation thing.

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  6. Boxleitner Says:

    I love this analysis from Moxie. Thank you! It’s clear and unbiased. I appreciate this very much.

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  7. NiceGuy Says:

    Moxie, you’re being way too judgmental on this one IMO. Some people choose not to have sex right away in a relationship, and there is nothing wrong with that. For some it’s based on a religious belief, others that is what they feel is best for them, etc. For God’s sake, you’ve only had a handful of dates and the guy is all upset because he has to keep it in his pants. Grow up, and stop being so entitled as to think that sex is ALWAYS part of the deal in the first 10 dates with every woman you meet. It’s not. And guys DO respect women more who aren’t all over them on the first or second date grabbing their stuff and what not…

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    • BTownGirl Says:

      Seriously ladies, stop grabbing dicks on the first/second dates. I mean, that’s totally a thing that women do all the time and, if you’d just learn how to behave in a respectable manner, you’d be respected! I mean, the man will still sleep with you, but that’s your fault. #ShitNiceGuysSay

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      • NiceGuy Says:

        You missed my main message, that the guy is panicing because he’s not getting any after 3 dates! She told him she didn’t want sex! That’s her right to do, w/o being condemned. My comment on “grabbing” was not the main point, but that’s all you focused on. Anyway, thanks for reading, and I expected to get flamed by at least one person anyway.

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        • BTownGirl Says:

          Well, because it was an odd thing to say. In any event, I assure you I do understand the concept of not being obligated to have sex. I find it very interesting that you mention that women should be free to opt out of sex at any time (agree, of course), but that they shouldn’t have sex on the first/second dates, because then men won’t respect them. Do you see the disconnect there? It’s like “You should be free to have sex whenever you feel comfortable…but not before xyz date, because then we’ll think you’re not respectable.”

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          • BTownGirl Says:

            Huh? Ah, so this is protecting her feelings now, because if you turn her down, she’ll be devastated and mortified. Bless your heart and your ego. I thought these women were shady?! Quick question – when you know full well that you’re not calling again because they’ve failed your test by wanting to have sex too early, do you tell them that? No, of course not, because then they wouldn’t have sex with you. And all this is going on because you’re supposedly worried about their motives. Okay then.

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    • Mandy Says:

      The guy’s not complaining he’s not getting laid after a couple dates. He’s complaining that the woman who already slept with him then said she didn’t want to sleep with him without getting to know him better, then invited him over at night to her apartment but didn’t want to sleep with him (mixed messages), and has made no effort to get to know him better (actions don’t match with words).

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      • BTownGirl Says:

        Bingo! It’s the inconsistency that’s making him wonder if he’s wasting his time. This type of push-pull after a whopping three dates should make anyone wonder if a relationship with this person would be constant drama.

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        • Jesse Says:

          Is it possible that she feels she jumped the gun (sex-wise) and she doesn’t want to form an emotional relationship on the basis of sex? Maybe she wants to see if there is more to this man than seven minutes of electricity? And that the only way to do so is to pull a mulligan, start over from scratch, and find out if she likes him for his other charms?

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  8. NiceGuy Says:

    I’ll also add, that after reading the other posts I agree that she is jerking him around a bit. I think he should be concerned about that and judge her accordingly. I think we have a horny and somewhat needy guy and an undecided, possibly manipulative woman here, probably not the best combo…

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  9. AnnieNonymous Says:

    There are a few decent reasons why she might not want to keep having sex right now – maybe she doesn’t want to repeat past mistakes or she just feels like she might not have been ready. Whatever. I’m not going to judge that part because she doesn’t owe anyone sex and she’s allowed to choose when and to whom she offers consent, even if her reasons seem stupid. Just because they had sex once doesn’t mean she has to keep putting out.

    Greg needs to decide whether he’s cool with waiting until she feels ready to start having regular sex. He shouldn’t try to convince her to have sex when she seems like she doesn’t want to (ew). He should believe her when she says she’s not ready and make his decision based on that. Does he like her enough to wait around? Or does he want to try to find someone else? Those are the only options.

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  10. AnnieNonymous Says:

    Or…is it possible something happened while she was out of town? Did she mention running into some old friends? Did she meet someone completely new? She might be trying to decide between Greg and some other guy.

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  11. Laura Says:

    Inviting him over to her place was most likely a test to see if he was going to make a move after she made it clear she didn’t want to have sex. Not cool. She’s clearly playing mind games and jerking him around and I wouldn’t really waste my time trying to figure out why she’s doing it.
    But if he wants to give her the benefit of the doubt, I definitely agree with Moxie that he needs to stand his ground and let her know how he feels about the whole situation, otherwise it will just be more drama coming up.

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