Stop Accepting Bad Behavior From Men

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Name: liz silvia
:
Question: After a long break from online dating, I decided to test the waters again. I matched with someone on Tinder who stated at the outset that he was interested in casual but ongoing dating. Repeated hookups, in other words. Which I’m ok with. We texted for a few days, and I asked him when he’d like to meet, he said sometime after the upcoming week. I asked him the following Sunday if he wanted to make a date for Wednesday night. Said he was coming down with a cold. Now, wouldn’t most say, let me see how I feel on Wednesday? He’s been polite, smart, interesting, insightful about women and dating, responsive, and acts as if he wants to meet, discusses our ‘future’ date, but he still hasn’t asked me out, so what gives? He’s attractive, bright, works in finance etc.. type of guy who probably has a healthy rolodex. So my guess is that he wasn’t sick- instead better options arose. Which is fine, I mean, he didn’t cancel a scheduled date, this is casual, that’s going to happen, and he’s certainly not going to tell me that. My question is- how much longer do I continue texting him before i tell him that I’m looking for more than penpal without seeming pushy? And how do I do it in a way that’s polite, but straightforward? I don’t want to seem pushy; I’ve already asked him out twice, so I’m leaving the ball in his court. But how long do i let it bounce around before I say something? Or should I just start replying to him with short answers.. not engaging in lengthy conversations with him? And generally, I just don’t think extensive pre date texting is a great idea. It can set up false expectations, and you should be making your first impression in person, not via text, and it takes some of the fun out of getting to know someone. Is he just keeping me “on hold” until he’s exhausted his rolodex? Why can’t this be simple..one shouldn’t have to write into a dating site to get advice on how to schedule a date!! But unless you’re telepathic.. this is what it’s like now.
Age: 44

 

Jesus Christ. How many excuses are you going to make for this guy?

Here’s the bottom line: he’s jerking you around because you keep responding to him. And you keep responding to him because, attractive, bright, works in finance. He’s a catch, or so you think, so you keep sticking it out waiting for your turn at bat. The “I’m just looking for something casual and consistent” is usually a lie. He’s looking for something casual, alright. Consistent? Eh. Maybe not so much. He’s dangling the possibility of a relationship knowing he likely won’t commit to anyone. Thankfully for him, all many women need is the appearance of potential to invest themselves in a guy who shows no signs of offering a return on their investment.

Here’s what you’re not getting: even if he did finally find a window of time to meet with you, he’s still offering you nothing. Oh, you get to blow him on a regular basis? Stand aside, ladies. This one’s a keeper! No, he hasn’t been polite. He’s actually been quite rude. You just don’t see it that way because,  attractive, bright, works in finance.

My question is- how much longer do I continue texting him before i tell him that I’m looking for more than penpal without seeming pushy? And how do I do it in a way that’s polite, but straightforward?

First of all, fuck polite. He’s not being polite. He couldn’t care less about your time or your feelings. He’s popping in and out and taking all of fifteen seconds to type out a reply to you. He’s exerting little effort.  Stop communicating with him completely. If he decides to shoot you a text to test the waters and continue to keep you on the hook, reply back and say, “We’ve been texting for awhile now. If you’re not able to make concrete plans to take things offline, I think it’s best we stop communicating.” If he does finally decide to get off the pot, make the plans, tell him you’ll confirm day of, and say you’ll see him soon. Close that conversation in a way that makes it clear that you’re have no plans to get sucked back in to his little game.

If you do end up setting a date and time to meet, really analyze his behavior and ask yourself if this is someone you want to invest your time and emotions in. You haven’t even met this guy and you’re already second guessing yourself

Thoughts?

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22 Responses to “Stop Accepting Bad Behavior From Men”

  1. Robyn Says:

    re: “We’ve been texting for awhile now. If you’re able to make concrete plans to take things offline, I think it’s best we stop communicating.”

    I think you mean “We’ve been texting for awhile now. If you’re NOT able to make concrete plans to take things offline, I think it’s best we stop communicating.”

    And if thus far all that has been happening is communication via text – not even a 2 minute in-person conversation over the phone – I would tell the LW not to even bother sending the guy the above message. Because clearly he’s just not that into her – because if he was, he’d have made a plan for a date that works for both of them.

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  2. Betty Says:

    Great response, Moxie. This guy couldn’t care less. Why are you humoring him?

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  3. Beta Male Says:

    Fade.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 0

  4. fuzzilla Says:

    Stop settling for crumbs of attention then complaining you’re hungry. I was surprised by the LW’s age. I’m guessing either inexperienced or this dude is way out of her league fantasy material or something.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 25 Thumb down 3

    • Eliza Says:

      Thanks Fuzz…who cares if he is “attractive, successful and works in finance”…the bottom line is: “How does he treat you?” A shiny exterior and impressive resume only go so far. If I am hungry–I will not settle for stale crumbs, thank you! lol…love that. Inexperienced in your 40’s? Perhaps, some may be re-entering the dating scene, after a divorce/separation…but nonetheless, at that age, we should be able to read human behavior, actions and inactions and more or less deduce intentions. Yes?

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 9 Thumb down 0

  5. lizsilvia Says:

    Good advice…update- he did finally ask me out and we’re scheduled to meet Thursday. He has been VERY clear that he’s looking for something “casual but ongoing”; emphasis on casual, so he hasn’t been stringing me along with relationship bait. He’s a casual sex option- that’s it. I’m going to meet him but have zero expectations. I work in finance as well- these guys are not a catch if you expect anything more than casual sex.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 5 Thumb down 16

    • fuzzilla Says:

      That’s cool. I just hope you treat him as a casual option and that you’re still meeting other guys (that not all your focus is on him).

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      • lizsilvia Says:

        Yes on other dates; I’m in the “just started online dating again binge dating” stage.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 0

    • UWSGal Says:

      I sure hope this guy is hot as hell for you to be chasing him like this. At least it appears you’re going into it knowing the balance of power is in his favor. Why anybody would do it is beyond me, but to each his own. Oh and this:

      “I work in finance as well- these guys are not a catch if you expect anything more than casual sex.”

      The absolute majority of the guys in finance are married after the age of 35. Like, close to all of them really. May be some are divorced, but to have a guy who’s not married with 2 kids in westchester or great neck or whatever at 40 would be truly rare. So, men and profession are not the problem here.

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      • lizsilvia Says:

        Not true on 35+ at all, and a huge percentage of the married men have mistresses and/or cheat. I’ve been working in this industry for 20 years, and I’ve seen it firsthand, and I have many male finance friends who will attest to this.

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      • lizsilvia Says:

        Should have mentioned this in my initial post, but he initiates all contact, if that counts for anything. This hasn’t been a chasing situation.

        Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 1 Thumb down 11

      • KK Says:

        The absolute majority of guys in finance 35+ are married? On what planet? Sorry, I don’t know any guys in their 30s who live in CT or NJ. No, they are fucking as many women as possible, regardless their marital or relationship status.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 4

        • UWSGal Says:

          Then you live in a parallel universe and you should probably stay there since it would be so much easier for you to find a date there!

          I work in finance and have 200+ client meetings per month, I have overall over 1000+ clients in NY/CT area alone, overwhelmingly male – in addition to my grad school alums (again overwhelmingly male) and co-workers (you guessed it, male). I can almost count single eligible men over the age of 35 on the fingers of one hand. And since these guys are in fact who I’d like to date myself or set up with my girlfriends, I actually do pay a lot of attention to everybody’s status. In every single meeting I am routinely the only person not wearing a wedding band. The small-talk involves discussions of schools their kids go to and houses they just bid on. These guys simply don’t stay on the market for long, women snap them up! Most get married the first time around between 30-35. Very, very few men actually make a conscious decision to stay bachelors..

          Further – you don’t know people over 30 who live in NJ/CT? What planet are you on?? Have you even been to NJ/CT? This comment is so detached from the reality it’s not even funny.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 1

    • Yvonne Says:

      Actually, he’s stringing you along with the casual (but consistent) line. Will he show up on Thursday? Even if you get into some sort of “casual” relationship, be prepared for more of the same. If it’s bothering you so much now, do you think it will bother you less once you have sex with him?

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    • ATWYSingle Says:

      I really hate jumping in on this because I think whenever a woman admits to accepting or seeking casual sex, other women feel compelled to either criticize or concern troll her. It’s stealth slut-shaming and I’ve really grown to loathe it.

      I will just say this: if he were “just” a casual sex option for you, it’s unlikely that you would expend the amount of effort and thought you have expended on him. He’s beating you over the head with the fact that he will never, ever, EVER date you for a reason. It’s rude, cruel, and just a tiny bit arrogant.

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      • lizsilvia Says:

        I’ve successfully done casual before, but have also become attached at times, which of course ended painfully .. it depends on the person. So maybe I shouldn’t take the risk and attempt casual at all? And yes, I could be kidding myself in this case on my comfort level with casual sex, because I haven’t dated in a while and could use the attention.

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        • Eliza Says:

          Lizs…if you haven’t dated in a while and “could use the attention”…perhaps this guy is not the best option for starters…to get your feet wet, that is. At least he is making it quite clear “do NOT expect much from me”…and his actions coincide with his words. So, you were warned.
          But you know yourself. So do as you feel or think you can handle. Secondly, you give people the benefit of the doubt…continue online dating, you may change your tune, mightly quick too! lol

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 0

      • UWSGal Says:

        I think there’s nothing wrong per se with seeking casual. However, in this case it just sounds strange. If the OP is looking for casual sex, what does it matter what the guy does for a living or how bright he is or the size of his rolodex? The only size that should matter for casual is that of his… you know, package. The rest is “potential boyfriend” sizing up. And furthermore, there are so many guys out there available for casual, why chase this one guy? Makes no sense.

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        • lizsilvia Says:

          It doesn’t matter to ME, I was pointing out that he has a lot of options for these reasons. Again, not chasing him- he has been initiating contact.

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      • Parenting Says:

        This! I’ve never yet seen a woman get this anxious about an online rando’s flaky behavior when looking for a fling. Its not like theres a shortage of attractive men interested in casual sex. The time to blow this guy off came and went right after he blew off your initial date invitation and didnt counter with a different time and date.

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  6. JayD Says:

    “He’s attractive, bright, works in finance etc.. type of guy who probably has a healthy rolodex.” Whoa, how does the OP know? Maybe he is really not attractive or bright, unemployed, couch-surfing and broke as fuck. He may just be fishing for attention. The Internet is such a wonderful playground for the attention whores.

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    • Lizsilvia Says:

      Agreed on bullshit profiles and attention whores- but I’ve seen several photos (could be fake but I give people the benefit of the doubt), and it’s not hard to tell if someone is bright- that can be gleaned through conversation. He has in depth finance knowledge- he knows what he’s talking about. . Not something you can fake.

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