The Sneaky Way Men Get Casual Sex

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Name: Alexis
Age: 43
State: CA
Question: I recently had a blind date that went well with a lot of good conversation, laughs and both of us stating a desire to see each other again. And yes, he told me he was very attracted to me physically and we kissed and were a bit affectionate at the end of the date.  The next day I get an email from this guy saying he does not think we are a good match for a long-term relationship but could we be friends.  Though I felt wrongly-judged by this I decided that I would like to get to know him as a friend.  So we had another date and I asked him more about how he knew I was not a good match for him for the long-term after having been on only one date.  He replied that he knew within an hour of being with me and that his instinct told him that.  This was fine with me because I did not have strong feelings for him either way.

So my question is “Do most people know in such a short time if your date is long-term relationship potential?”  All that I know after 15 minutes or after one date is if I want to have another date and if I am attracted to the person physically or otherwise. Is this true for most daters?  How much can you possibly know without knowing the person that well and is  that automatic instinct something we should be listening to or not?  Looking forward to hearing  people’s opinions.  Thanks.

ps: I am NOT wanting opinions on the actual date or the guy’s intentions because it does not matter.  Thanks.

 

Howsabout you let me decide what I choose to write about? See, answering these letters isn’t just about the person who submitted the question. It’s about addressing broader issues so that there will be a take away for everybody.

Though I felt wrongly-judged by this I decided that I would like to get to know him as a friend.  So we had another date

No, you didn’t have another date. Because you’re not dating, remember? You’re just friends. The biggest mistake people make in these situations is to lie to themselves about how they really feel. Let’s stop with this whole “I caught feelings” bullshit. You didn’t catch feelings. You always had them, you were just ignoring them.

I asked him more about how he knew I was not a good match for him for the long-term after having been on only one date.  He replied that he knew within an hour of being with me and that his instinct told him that.

Oh. Then why did he express interest in seeing you again and act all affectionate if his inner Oracle is so damn accurate and delivers such speedy results? Inconsistency.

I believe that he doesn’t see you as being long-term relationship material. And I agree that people know pretty quickly- even after an hour –  when there’s little chance of long term compatibility. I don’t believe the opposite, however. I don’t believe that people can know or even suspect that someone is long term relationship material after one date.  I don’t think they could know that even after one year. Making that determination takes time, maturity, and experience.

People need to have a mature understanding of relationships and compatibility. Thinking that you and your partner are compatible because you share similar senses of humor or love of activities is immature. In order to figure out what you really want and what is important, you have to learn what you don’t want. That’s where the experience comes in. Someone who is in their first adult relationship doesn’t have anything to which they can compare their current relationship.

Now I see why you didn’t want me to comment on his intentions. You want to believe that this guy is genuinely interested in being your friend. That he  really likes you..just not that way. I’m sorry, but I’m going to call bullshit on your claim that it doesn’t bother you that he told you you weren’t long term relationship material. If it didn’t bother you, you wouldn’t have asked him to further explain himself.

I’m also going to call bullshit on this guy’s supposed interest in being friends. Yes, I know. Some of you will rush to share your stories about how the time you said you agreed to be friends with someone you went out with was different. Of course it was. Men usually keep women around for two reasons – social proof and sex. Rarely, though it does happen, do men actively befriend women because they enjoy their company or their perspectives on life. That is unless there’s a pre-established relationship. Like, say, with an ex. Not with a woman with whom he had one date.

This guy doesn’t want to be your friend. This guy wants to casually date you and have sex with you without any commitment. That was his plan all along. He lured you in with the promise of a relationship, got you where he wanted you, then dropped the anvil. And there you are holding on to his coat tails, all excited that he saw something in you that he probably doesn’t see in other women.

Boooooooooooooooooooooo!

Thoughts?

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16 Responses to “The Sneaky Way Men Get Casual Sex”

  1. Jesse Says:

    My two cents — don’t agree totally with the assessment. During 1st (blind) date, the guy said some things that made the woman know he was interested in her physically — maybe something like “you’re hot!” So far, not so nefarious. He then emails to say she’s not “long term material”. So, upfront, honest guy. Now he’s off the hook for what follows. He says goodbye, but she goes along with his “lets be friends” invite. For many, the “lets be friends” holds the same weight as “let’s have lunch” – it’s a polite gesture, in this case, politely saying no hard feelings.

    Because She decided to take him up on the offer, he’s clean to see where this may go. Last time I checked, some woman enjoy casual sex too and so he is keeping his options open. He doesn’t know her nor her intentions. Yes, if sex doesn’t happen quickly he may disappear, but I wouldn’t be so quick to accuse this guy as being a cad. He’s made his intentions known and waiting to see what the woman wants out of this. No way was it his plan all along to trick this woman into having a casual sex relationship.

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    • fuzzilla Says:

      If he wanted casual sex he could’ve said, “I’m not looking for anything serious” rather than, “YOU are not long term potential.” That’s that whole negging bullshit (compliment wrapped in a criticism to make the other person doubt themselves and see you as above them, somehow). Though you could be right that “let’s be friends” was meant as a polite letdown and she was the one who sought out and set up the second meeting.

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  2. John Says:

    If all a guy wants is casual sex, then he will play along as if he wants a relationship. Admitting he only wants casual sex will rarely work. Since the majority of women aren’t upfront about wanting only casual sex, the default assumption is that she wants a relationship. And most likely wont have sex unless there is at least a chance of a relationship.

    And so if a guy just wants sex, all he has to do is play along like he wants a relationship too (even though he doesn’t). And then he will get his sex and can dump her when she gets too serious or “wants to do more than just hang out at his place”. Then its on to the next woman.

    This is by far the easiest and sneakiest way for a guy to get regular sex without committing to anyone.

    Since the guy in this letter did not take this approach, my theory is that he didn’t want sex from her in the first place.

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  3. Selena Says:

    From the letter:
    “So my question is “Do most people know in such a short time if your date is long-term relationship potential?” All that I know after 15 minutes or after one date is if I want to have another date and if I am attracted to the person physically or otherwise.”

    All I have ever known after one date is if I am attracted enough to go on a second date. I’m female.

    If a guy emailed me after one date stating he didn’t see us as a long term match, but we could be friends… I’d take it as he wasn’t attracted to me/didn’t feel a connection, but was trying to be decent, polite about it.

    Disappointing, but not something I would take as a “challenge” to make him change his mind.

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  4. Ivan Says:

    I agree with this assessment. The man is playing games, and he is only doing that to get attention and interest from her.

    The truth hurts and is difficult to see, and I appreciate this website for it’s truth.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 8 Thumb down 7

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  5. Nia Says:

    In my experience, people know if you are *not* long term -able. This could be for a couple reasons:

    You clicked, but it wasn’t that deep comfort and ease that comes from being a great match. It was more like “just enough to keep it going”.
    You showed or mentioned a dealbreaker
    Something about you was off putting enough to rule you out as a wife/GF but not as an occasional match (this could be anything!)
    He’s one of those guys who’s looking for a unicorn, and you ain’t it. Don’t sweat those guys.

    Now, knowing if someone IS long term? Like Moxie said, that takes much longer. I agree about having the same tastes and interests as being a shallow indicator of compatibility.

    What makes you compatible:
    Shared values; large overlap in values
    Shared dreams and goals
    Shared or very similar lifestyle choices
    Ability to weather the storms, be it separation, illness, bad mood, unemployment, etc. You’ll only know that through time
    Similar or complimentary personality types (you both are outgoing, or one is shy and the other makes up for it)
    Same general rate of growth and change. If one of you is all about starting a Fortune 5 company and retiring at 40 and the other one is about taking it easy, ya got sailboats goin’ by, you won’t work out.

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  6. Zaire Says:

    You are right. Nothing else really needs to be said. Even if he isn’t trying to get sex he’s stringing her along for some other reason, likely attention. I’ve seen this happen to some of my friends. They go on a date or two with a guy, decide to be friends, next thing you know they’re having sex but it’s not going anywhere. Or the alternative, she figures they are ‘pretty much dating’ and he’s giving mixed signals i.e. compliments her looks/personality, gets physical but not necessarily sexual (cuddling, hugging etc). When she tries to get romantic by initiating a kiss or hand holding he declines but continues to hangout with her while giving mixed signals. Stupid. Just forget him.

    I will agree with John that some men completely lead women to believe they want a relationship, get sex, then ghost. That MO is more conniving, the one Moxie and I are talking about allows for more plausible deniability. This tactic is more common among guys who consider themselves “nice” or “good guys”. Women take the behavior as being confused or conflicted about getting serious instead of what it really is. He’s just not pressed about being in a relationship but likes the attention/sex. These guys aren’t confused about their feelings. They just know being straight will lead to the woman leaving or cause drama. The limbo keeps her on her best behavior, she won’t push for anything more for fear of driving the man away. I don’t even think this behavior is conscious most of the time, it’s just my interpretation of what I’ve seen.

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    • Selena Says:

      ” I’ve seen this happen to some of my friends. They go on a date or two with a guy, decide to be friends, next thing you know they’re having sex but it’s not going anywhere.”

      Why are these women deciding to be friends with a guy they only met once or twice? If someone told me they didn’t want to date me because they didn’t see long term potential I would take it as a rejection. I’d figure they tacked on the “we could be friends” bit as an attempt to soften the blow. I wouldn’t expect that person to contact me again and it wouldn’t occur to me to contact them to go out as friends, we don’t really know each other after only one or two dates, and especially since he has already rejected me as a potential love interest straight off.

      So I wonder if women who accept offers of being friends with a guy they are attracted to might be the ones with an ulterior motive. As in thinking if the guy spends more time with her he will see how great she is and change his mind about her. If the friendship becomes sexual she may believe she’s making progress even if his feelings haven’t changed.

      The casual sex situation that goes nowhere might be the result of unintentional sneakiness by either party.

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      • fuzzilla Says:

        I think Zaire is exactly right. The women’s behavior Zaire describes doesn’t sound logical, no, but it happens all the time. Although going in for a kiss and getting the cheek from someone you’re sleeping with seems pretty harsh and kind of the opposite of “going along to get along.”

        As to why women do it, they just really like the guy and chances are he told her some plausibly deniable b.s. about being “confused” and “not ready for a relationship” and she let herself believe it, and believe it was something she could wear down over time rather than the “no relationship *with you*, ever” that it really is.

        Best to stay away from guys like that, although I do get wanting sex and scratching the itch during lonely times – but be honest with yourself about what is actually going on. If you tell yourself you’re “just having fun” with a guy like this, make sure you always keep looking, either for The One or just someone else to have fun with. Do *not* emotionally invest in a man like that. If you don’t think you can do that, then walk away ‘cuz it’s more trouble than it’s worth. If he has no loyalty for you, then why does he deserve yours? (I mean, royal “you,” not Selena).

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        • Betty Says:

          Maybe it’s just me, but I’ve never been good at riding out casual. I find after having sex a few times and feeling that oxytocin rush, I like the person way more than I should. Nature has screwed our ability to have meaningless sex. If I feel myself getting attached in a going nowhere situation, I end it. Self preservation first.

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        • Zaire Says:

          “As to why women do it, they just really like the guy and chances are he told her some plausibly deniable b.s. about being “confused” and “not ready for a relationship” and she let herself believe it, and believe it was something she could wear down over time rather than the “no relationship *with you*, ever” that it really is.”

          Yep. Most of these situations amount to “nobody can use you without your consent”. Sometimes these ladies allow themselves to believe the improbably (usually impossible) so they can continue on. It’s a sign of the times of you ask me. Many in my generation (millennials) are operating in this way. A lot of “situationships” in a constant state of limbo were neither party is staking a claim for fear or being left behind. I’m even seeing some of these scenarios play out in LTRs.

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      • Zaire Says:

        I agree with you. No need to stay in contact with someone you’ve only been out with one or twice as friends. They don’t want to hear that though.

        There are ulterior motives. Sometime they still like the guy and are hoping to change his mind. This happens most recently with a friend of mine. The guy straight told her he wasn’t attracted but still spent time together and cuddles etc. I told her to leave it alone br she eventually admitted she wanted to ‘snag’ him to satisfy her ego. Yeah, I know, it’s crazy.

        These situations can definitely go both ways in terms of ulterior motives.

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    • Jesse Says:

      I’m confused by what you mean by limbo. The guy straight out told the woman where he stands. The only limbo is what ever day dreams the woman is entertaining. There’s nothing sneaky going on here. If the woman still wants to see him after he has told her it’s not a long term connection, that’s her right, that’s her decision. But to lame the guy for being underhanded? That’s lame. Does the woman have no responsibility in this?

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      • Zaire Says:

        Did you not read the entire exchange? I that very comment where I mentioned limbo I said said neither party wanted to clarify the status of the relationship. That statement implicates both parties.

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        • Jesse Says:

          Not sure what you implicating her has anything to do with his behaivior. Again, he told her where he stood — she’s no long term prospect. What more do you want him to say so you don’t regard him as sneaky? Do you really need him to say out loud that he’s up for something less than a long term relationship? Is is starting to sound like those children in college that want the man to verbally ask permission before he leans in for a kiss. If that’s the world you’re hoping for, I hope I die before it comes to pass.

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  7. AV Says:

    “This guy wants to casually date you and have sex with you without any commitment. That was his plan all along.”

    Was there more to this letter than what was published?

    I’m a man, and yeah we really like sex and are up for casual sex if its convenient, but if this is all there is then its hard to be convinced.

    “Do most people know in such a short time if your date is long-term relationship potential?”

    Some do and some don’t.

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