No, Women Don’t Have To Soften Their Personalities To Find a Man

Name: ACComment: Thank you for reposting and enhancing your column on why women should be discerning about who they listen to when seeking dating advice.  I was struck by your comment on what it means when a man tells you that other men find you intimidating. It’s something I heard back in college and it’s a tough pill to swallow. After lots of reflection and information gathering, I believe my unappealing trait at the heart of that comment is a case of insecrurity-based showing off. I know that I need to change that; it’s something I am always trying to work on and be aware of in both my professional and personal life. That said, I worry that I still haven’t found the line between sharing enough of myself to be intruiging/exciting and talking about the stuff I’m proud of so much that I seem like a braggart/jerk. The insecurity is at its worst when I’m on a first date with someone I’ve met online (OkCupid), which is exactly when I need to be at my least show-offy. My core tools for managing it now are trying to keep stories brief, ending them with related questions that don’t throw down a gauntlet,* and carefully watching body language. I think it’s working– I’m getting asked for follow-up dates– but I know I can do better. Do you have any other ideas for how I can work on getting his attention as someone with lasting appeal without being showy/brassy?
Thank you!!!

*I used to say things like “So where have you traveled?” or “You haven’t…?” Ick. At least I’ve learned that lesson.
Age: 26
City: Philadelphia
State: PA


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