He’s Not Being Honest, He’s Being an A**hole

playerguy

Name: Jessica
:
Question: So, I have been casually hanging out with a guy for the past six months, just as friends. There was a mutual attraction between us and we would occasionally make out or engage in foreplay, but also go for dinner, drinks and the movies. I knew that sex had to happen eventually but I was nervous to take it to that level because I was scared of getting attached and then getting the “i’m not looking for a relationship” speech. Anyways, one rainy Tuesday night, I caved and invited him over. We did the deed, and it was fun. Against my better judgement, I asked if he was seeing other people. He tells me that he is single, he isn’t seeing other people but he isn’t looking for a relationship. He also goes ahead to say that he has A LOT of women lined up begging to be in a relationship with him, and that although he’s let them know he’s not looking for commitment, he can leave my apartment tonight and post a picture of who he choses to be with on his social media the next day if he so chooses. Boy that stung, but I did ask the question knowing that I may get the answer I didn’t want.

I am currently trying to shake him off and not have a second encounter because I don’t want to lead myself on more than I already have. I do like him, and I am currently not getting any other male attention since I shut down all my dating profiles to focus on growing my business. So I have also been very lonely. He has texted me a few times after but I know I want someone who will only have eyes for me, and he straight up doesn’t. My question is, what steps can I take to avoid falling falling for men like this? Your feedback would be appreciated!
Age: 28

 

He tells me that he is single, he isn’t seeing other people but he isn’t looking for a relationship.

Translation: Yes, I’m dating other people or am at the very least open to the idea. If this guy has the roster of women begging to date him he claims to have, you can be sure he’s sleeping with a few of them. He’s not going to tell you that he’s dating other people as it might compromise his ability to sleep with you again.

He also goes ahead to say that he has A LOT of women lined up begging to be in a relationship with him, and that although he’s let them know he’s not looking for commitment, he can leave my apartment tonight and post a picture of who he chooses to be with on his social media the next day if he
so chooses. Boy that stung, but I did ask the question knowing that I may get the answer I didn’t want.

The response you were looking for was either yes or no. It didn’t require an additional monologue about how in demand he is.  That’s not honest or refreshing; it’s straight-up cruel.

My question is, what steps can I take to avoid falling falling for men like this?

The first thing you can do is recognize when a man is being intentionally hurtful. We’ve discussed this before: people who choose radical honesty over diplomacy are typically tone-deaf assholes.  This guy cares about himself and what’s convenient for him. He doesn’t care a bit about your feelings. Remind yourself of that every time you feel yourself wanting to check-in with him.

People – men and women – have become so used to sub-par treatment, thanks to the overwhelming lack of accountability involved with dating now. When he was “honest” with you , you took that as a sign that he somehow thought highly of you or believed you could take his bluntness. here’s the thing to remember: anybody who opts for brutal honesty rather than diplomatic kindness is a shitty, awful person.

You did not bring that on yourself. You asked a normal question – a question many people in your situation would ask. He chose to be arrogant and rude. Take that as a warning sign. Should you continue to hook-up with this guy, expect his “honesty” to eventually morph into verbal abuse. Hopefully, that’s enough to help you wean yourself off this douchebag.

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21 Responses to “He’s Not Being Honest, He’s Being an A**hole”

  1. Philly_Gal Says:

    In my opinion, you only did yourself wrong by sleeping with a guy you knew wasn’t interested in a relationship when you are looking for one. Also, you know you “like” him and you don’t sound like a casual-sex-without-feelings gal (I’m not one myself). So sleeping with him was not the best idea for your heart.

    But to Moxie’s point, we have learned to take crumbs instead of being treated well. You shouldn’t like a guy who is this full of himself and this emotionally ignorant as to say something like that to someone. To me, he clearly doesn’t care how you feel about him or he never would have said that. You deserve better.

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  2. Yvonne Says:

    “I knew that sex had to happen eventually but I was nervous to take it to that level because I was scared of getting attached and then getting the “i’m not looking for a relationship” speech. ”

    The fact that you hung out for six months having physical contact that did not lead to sex tells me that you had a sense that something fishy was up with this guy. You suspected that if he was really interested in you and available, he wouldn’t have waited so long to sleep with you. He kept things very casual and so you suspected that he was seeing other women or some other version of not really available.

    As far as asking if he was seeing others, this would have been a reasonable question to ask prior to sleeping with him, especially if you knew how his answer might affect you emotionally. Sometimes, women think that sleeping with a guy is going to make him want to be in a relationship, but he should already be interested in a relationship before you have sex. Good sex won’t make him want a relationship if he doesn’t want one.

    Next time, trust your gut. If something seems off to you, there’s probably a reason. To me, this man comes across as insufferably arrogant and conceited. Maybe this would be a good time to reactivate those dating profiles.

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  3. Gina Says:

    I know the feeling and have asked the same questions … knowing the answers. I agree with first response, he’s being an asshole. Truths hurt, but there are those who go out of their way to be nasty. I shook one off recently. If I were you, I’d do my BEST to shake him off. I, too, have learned not to take any response as kindness. Listen to what is said and how. Trust your gut. If something doesn’t feel right, follow your gut …

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 0

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  4. Speed Says:

    I don’t actually characterize the guy in this story as a jerk. He appears to have some sort of very sizable fan club, which means he must be Calvin Klein model hot. Men and women that hot are used to speaking and acting in a totally unfiltered way. There is rarely any pushback, because we all love hot people and will usually cater to them. So, in their minds, they’re speaking and acting quite properly. The rare person who pushes back just “doesn’t get it” or is “too sensitive” or is a “hater” or whatever.

    The same goes for any person with a special gift or advantage: beauty, wealth, high intelligence, athletic or musical ability, etc. If you have any combination of these gifts (ex: attractiveness and wealth), you’re likely to live in the stratosphere and are accustomed to getting what you want when you want. There is no need to waste time learning “diplomacy” or other social skills, because you don’t need them.

    In my own experience, I can say my worst 2 girlfriends were also clearly the hottest. They were not “bad,” but they were just accustomed to high levels of attention and getting their way. I would never rule out another hot woman (what guy would? Besides, they’re hardly beating down my door!) but, as I’d be more circumspect than before. Or at the least I’d be braced for the fiery crash ending. I guess the same would hold for a woman who was a Fields Medal finalist in math or owned a venture cap firm.

    It’s not a matter of being “intimidated” by great beauty, money, or brains. It’s just that in my experience, women (or men) who are living in that stratosphere don’t have high social skills necessary for pairing. Outside of their area of expertise or advantage, they tend to be…”off-putting” is the most generous way to say it.

    [Again, not that I’d crash through a window to escape a Fields Medalist/Miss Universe who who was coming by with set of freshly-baked cookies.]

    There are of course many important exceptions, but, as far as I’ve experienced, this the rule: get with an elite person and be prepared to be treated like crap, more or less.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 11 Thumb down 6

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    • Jessica Says:

      Trust me, he is not calvin Klien model hot. He’s just mean. He also mostly did the chasing.

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      • fuzzilla Says:

        Oops, didn’t see your comment when I left mine. Anyway, yeah, there was no need for that long story about how SO many women are drooling after him…

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

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    • fuzzilla Says:

      That’s certainly a strong possibility. (LOL at Fields medalist/Miss Universe with the freshly baked cookies).

      With one exception, the worst guys I’ve dated were the hottest, too, for the reasons you mentioned (the exception wasn’t ugly, he was just really off the charts awful). Eh, maybe it was more like flirted and fooled around with than “dated,” tbh.

      I actually feel like it’s a good dating lesson to have a couple horrible experiences dating super hot people, to kinda put looks in perspective. No, looks don’t suddenly cease to matter, but you understand firsthand that they’re not the end-all/be-all in what makes for a good partner or what you want in your life.

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    • Zaire Says:

      All of what you said is true but doesn’t absolve the guy in the post or anybody else in his position of being a jerk. They are jerks because for explainable and valid reasons but jerks nonetheless.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 0

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  5. UWSGal Says:

    “My question is, what steps can I take to avoid falling falling for men like this?”

    How is the answer to this question not obvious to the OP? ASK THEM WHERE THEY STAND BEFORE YOU SLEEP WITH THEM. Not after. Duh. Moxie’s answer is spot-on here…

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 6 Thumb down 5

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    • ATWYSingle Says:

      Even if she had asked him where they stood before they had sex, let’s be honest: No matter how he responded, she probably would have slept with him anyway. I know plenty of strong-minded, secure women who sleep with men knowing the guy probably isn’t looking for anything serious.

      Not to mention, given that this guy sounds like a complete douchebag, he probably would have lied. I agree with PhillyGal. The OP suspected this guy wasn’t looking for anything serious and she betrayed herself by sleeping with him. That’s the extent of her responsibility. She’s not upset that he didn’t want to be her boyfriend. She’s upset because he treated her so shabbily.

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      • Jessica Says:

        Exactly. I wasn’t interested in having him as a boyfriend. He actually led me on to believe that we were good friends and even mentioned that he would still value my friendship even if we didn’t have sex bla bla bla. So responding the way he did confused me because I wasn’t sure if and why he would want to be hurtful, or if he was just trying to boost his ego. If you have a line up of women that want to date you, that’s good for you. But reaffirming that to me in such a cruel manner was crossing the line. The current update: he’s tried connecting with me again but I have severed ties. No need to keep unfriendly people around.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 0

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        • UWSGal Says:

          Of course you wanted him be your boyfriend. Why else would you ask him if he was seeing other people?? Puhlease. Either way it’s ok. It’s ok to fuck someone for the sake of sex and it’s ok to want a commited boyfriend. Where we women get in trouble is conflating the two. If I was just fucking someone NSA style, I wouldn’t be asking such questions. And I wouldn’t care if they said they were swimming in pussy. It if I was interested in someone for months and wanted him as a boyfriend, I wouldn’t fuck him NSA.

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          • Jessica Says:

            Asking that question doesn’t mean I want them to be my boyfriend. I could have also asked that for other reasons especially in regards to STD’s, regardless of the use of protection. I know someone who contracted an STD through oral sex. You stated an opinion, not the truth.

            Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 5

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            • UWSGal Says:

              well if the STDs are what you’re concerned about, all the MORE reason to ask BEFORE sex. And, a more proper question would have been “when were you last tested”, not whether or not he’s seeing other people. I really don’t care tho. If you like your denial, you can keep it. Obviously. It’s just super confusing what it is you mean then when you say “avoid falling for guys like this”. Guys like what? Like the ones that will fuck you and won’t commit after the fact? Or the ones who say things you think are mean? And if you “fell” for him, why do you insist you don’t want him as your boyfriend? And if you really don’t, why care about what he said? You need to really sort out all that mess in your head…

              Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 8 Thumb down 2

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              • Jack Says:

                I know, right? asking who else you’re sleeping with due to concerns about STD’s is for before the deed, not after it.

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        • BTownGirl Says:

          Good for you, Jessica. No decent human being talks like this and he was likely doing it to make you feel insecure and off-balance, so you’d feel like you have to “work” to get his affection. Gross. He’ll have to readjust his line the next time, because there’s at least one woman who’s all set with him ;)

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  6. Betty Says:

    I’m not sure sleeping with him was the issue. She’s been vibing on this guy for months.
    There’s a certain element of slut shaming in “duh girl, don’t sleep with a shitty man” which discounts the fact that lots of guys act like Prince Charming to bed a lady. Men are the most honest after you sleep with them, in my opinion. Also this comment makes it seem like she failed because she slept with him. Sex, or the lack of it, is not a currency that you can use to guarantee commitment.

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  7. Selena Says:

    From the letter:

    “So, I have been casually hanging out with a guy for the past six months, just as friends. There was a mutual attraction between us and we would occasionally make out or engage in foreplay, but also go for dinner, drinks and the movies.”

    I confess I don’t get this. It sounds like dating to me, yet you use the phrase “just as friends”. And then you go on to say “I knew that sex had to happen eventually but I was nervous to take it to that level because I was scared of getting attached and then getting the “i’m not looking for a relationship” speech.”

    How often did you see this fellow during the 6 months you were friends? Piecing together what you wrote, I get the impression you knew this fellow didn’t want a bf/gf relationship with you, but you were okay with that for 6 months. Did you want more? Did you think if you played it cool as a friend who occasionally made out with him, he would come around and want to be your boyfriend? The only person you need to be honest with is yourself.

    Pretty easy to call this guy an a**hole given what he said about other women wanting a relationship with him. More so, immature given that he could have simply said the generic “I’m not looking for anything serious right now.” (WITH YOU is implied) Which you probably already knew for the last 6 mos.

    Your question Jessica: ” My question is, what steps can I take to avoid falling falling for men like this? ”

    If you want a *real* lover, a *real* relationship, don’t play make-out buddies with someone who isn’t interested. Pay attention to words and actions – do they match up? Usually this takes less than 6 weeks, not 6 months.

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  8. Beta Male Says:

    I’m starting to get a feeling that it’s possible that the guy responded to the LW the way he did not because he was an asshole but because he wanted her off his back and letting her down easy didn’t work so the only way he could do it was to be an ass.

    That might not be the case but I’m starting to think that’s a possibility.

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  9. Astrid Says:

    This guy sounds like an amateur and a creep. Nobody asked him about his fake fan club – and trust and believe – it is fake.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

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    • Jack Says:

      Not necessarily fake. I’m not “Calvin Klein model hot” yet there are plenty of women I know who would probably be in a relationship with me. In that regard, guys do have an advantage in NYC, as long as you have a good job and social life.

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